Signs your long-term relationship is petering out

[Tesla]

If your partner of 8 years lives many miles away and when he comes to visit stays a week or so, but ignores you most of the time, does not wish to go out anywhere with you and now claims he can't sleep in the same bed with you because he's become allergic to the perfume you're wearing -when you don't wear any - and also responds to the question, "Are we still a couple or not?" with either, "I refuse to answer that/ I don't want you to know", also does not phone you, takes days to respond to text messages and then only brief/succinct, emails only in response and then never,ever, ever signs off with any sentiments such as miss you, love you, etc. Never sends birthday, Valentine, Christmas cards or presents, claims to be too busy to stay at Christmas, and can't afford to drive down to see you because he's skint, or when he does visit, it might be very irregular such as for a week, then nothing for 6 months, then another few days, then nothing for a couple of months, and you never know when he'll next visit nor will he commit to any kind of regular visits,...

does it means he's just not that into you anymore, his love long since faded, and you're just hanging on out of stupidity? Should you just bear the heartbreak and dump him and find a new man who actually wants to be with you, love you and cherish you?
especially if there's young kdis involved?

I've tried every measure going to keep communication alive in this long-distance relationship and pine for him when he's not here but can hardly bear the anxiety anymore of never knowing when he'll next visit. I'm utterly in love and always have been, so how can I get him to communicate with me and reassure me he still loves and wants me, depite the distance.

I've asked for an occassional "Hang in there, I know you miss me, I'll see you soon" but he refuses to give me even that tiny morsel of reassurance

I'm slowly becoming heartbroken, I feel like the most important relationship in my life is slipping into history.

THis reminds me so much of the other madwoman who came on wailing about her XP's 'infidelity', got doesn't of furious-on-her-behalf posts in reply and it turned out that the bloke had obviously been trying to dump her kindly for months but she had roosted in his house like a cuckoo and wouldn't leave no matter what.
Tesla, I doubt this man has ever loved you. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he has been trying to get rid of you for most of the past 8 years and you are choosing not to hear him.
He may well be a bit of a crook and he's certainly underpaying maintenance, but I'm getting the impression that's he's less mentally ill abusive villain than bloke who is trying to operate a coping strategy with MadKlingonWoman that enables him to see his kids now and again.
Tesla, you need some counselling for yourself to help you accept the real world. You are delusional.

i wouldn't bother, really op.

Get some fight woman, and leave him to his life. Your poor kids, how canthey be happy, surely it's not right to bring them up in full view of a situation that's just weird.

They will thik this is what a mummy and daddy do/are/live like?

it's one of the strangest threads i have read on here, and just makes me wonder what planet you are living on tbh.

GoingPostal thankyou, I realise I cant see this for myself, that's why I need these unbiased opinions. My family all say the same thing , that he doesnt seem to love me, alhtough he does love his children because when he IS here with them he does play with them.

Really have to go now, end of cbeebies nowhave to find something entertaining to do with the children. Thank you all so far

SGB- I said as much when I saw Desolate's thread had been bumped last night. Uncanny.

'he's a bloke who is trying to operate a coping strategy with MadKlingonWoman that enables him to see his kids now and again.
Tesla, you need some counselling for yourself to help you accept the real world. You are delusional. '

Great, thanks. So it's my fault for not recognising when someone wants to dump me. All he has to do is SAY IT. Why would he bother with all the subterfuge then? I'm not clinging on thankyou, we dont even live together, we hardly talk text or email, everything's allthe ball in his court far as this relationship goes, so how can I be clinging on?

i play with my friends dc's when i am at their house...??

If 70 odd messages haven't given her a clear picture of what she needs to do, then nothing will.

The constant requests to keep the advice coming are unbelievable!

Sadly, I agree with SGB, he's probably been trying to leave you for years.

well lets say, right now today op, that having posted this, you are in charge, and the ball can now be in your court eh?

come on. do it. live your life properly.x

Oh Tesla, playing with his children when he sees them isn't the defining factor of him loving them. A loving father would be there for them more often if not permanently, he would treat their mother with respect, he would model a good relationship, he would help them with their homework, take them to school, be there at bathtime, bedtime, clean up their sick, wipe their bum, kiss their bumps and bruises. he would provide for them. He would give them his landline phone number so they could ring him. He would ring them.

And if his geographical situation were truly immovable, he would scrimp and save every penny to visit whenever he could. He wouldn't be going off to local festivals if he could be visiting. Even when you lived nearby he begrudged the petrol money to visit.

This isn't love.

Im grateful for all your views and I keep asking for more in the sense that others might have different views sorky, that's all.

Im not delusional, if I was I'd be thinking everything was peachy and there were no problems at all, Im just very naive with people. I like to solve problems and cant give up on this problem until it's solved. I love this man for better or worse but this thread was to hear other people's opinions on whether they think he still loves me or wants a relationship with me based on our peculiar cirucmstances.

ok - what do you think now that you have had a resounding, in fact unanimous response of "he doesn't love you and he doesn't want a relationship with you."?

Oh dear Tesla. Really think you are not happy in this situation. It's obvious that if you took this man out of your life you would be far happier. This man is not going to tell you he doesn't love you or anything else to cut ties because he seems to not understand exactly what a relationship entails.

How can your children grow up to be normal rounded human beings with parents who hardly see each other even though they are meant to be a couple.

If you go on like this you're going to wake up in 10 years thinking 'what the hell have I done with my life'.

You have a chance to be a lot happier than you are now. Don't let him continue doing this to you or your children. It simply is not fair

'you have a past record of either threatening to either assault him, harm yourself, shop him to the authorities or never let him see the kids again.'

Solidgoldbrass Why have you written that? It's not true at all. I'm going to report that post.
Are oyu some sort of troll?

and you say you love him for better or worse - but where's the "better" in this set up exactly?

You don't have a relationship with this man. You have some history with him, but that doesn't mean you have a future. He won't tell you where his house is nor give you a landline phone number. He could be living anywhere with anyone. He is self-employed and could work anywhere yet lives in an apparent area of high crime miles away from you and the children in a run-down house. This does not add up!

Somewhere along the line he is not telling the truth, maybe he doesn't want to hurt you or maybe he's just stringing you along because he doesn't care. But either way you deserve better and this is not a relationship.

FGS There is no relationship to speak of.

This man clearly doesn't even like you let alone love you.

Get your self respect together.

No dear but you might be.

Why wait for him to say he's dumping you? Just dump him and move on with your life. Seeing your children once in 6 months is not him loving them.

You asked for advice - everyone has said the same thing. LEAVE HIM.

Oh my dear Lord. I cannot believe this is for real. Surely no-one in their right mind could find themselves in this situation?

He is the father of your children, yet he only turns up a couple of times a year and plays with them for a few hours. He contributes nothing towards them. He does nothing for you. And yet you seem to think this is a situation that should be perpetuated????

If I were you I'd cut all ties with him, report him for benefit fraud and ask for maintenance from CSA. And perhaps get some respect for yourself and if you can't manage that for your sake, at least think of your children.

There is also a worrying aspect that the reason that he doesnt want to see the children more, is because of you. You thinking that the relationship is carrying on? You trying to convince him that he loves you? Trying to instigate affection when he has told you that he doesn't want to, yet you still keep trying to touch him.

If i was in a situation where a man kept trying to touch me when I said i wasn't comfortable with it, I would simply cut him down and not see him. In fact I know the advice would be "get him away from you and see as little of him as possible"

Could it be that your behaviour is the reason he doesn't come to visit?

Being a grown up here and saying "OK, we haven't worked out but lets sort out a decent access arrangement for you to see the children" should be something you can consider for your childrens sake.

I know you keep asking for more replies, I think its because you want someone to tell you he does love you and that all will be ok, Im sorry but I just dont think this is going to happen, sorry.

Be strong love from 1foot.

im not surprised he doesn't spend any time with you, you sound bonkers.
well done for bringing those children into a well rounded and healthy relationship.

Tesla, just dump him. Tell him you're not happy and ditch him. If he wants to be with you he will change things to make it happen.

The OP is scaring me to be honest.

I think she needs help, and quick.

The first post is screaming to me that he does not want a relationship, does not consider himself to be in a relationship and is purely keeping up the odd bit of contact purely for the children.

He DEFINATELY has another life he is living, and will no doubt include another woman and or children.

In the OP position I would be doing the following....

1. Email or text to say "I know you dont love me or want to be in a relationship with me, and I accept that"

2. Contacting the benefit fraud hotline with regards to claiming benefits but earning "thousands" online

3. Contacting the Child support Agency to get the correct amount of maintenance.

4. Making a clean break, moving on with my life and attempting to find a man that loves me and cherishes me and has a future with me.

Wake up to the real world OP, you need to get this sorted. How long exactly has this behaviour been going on? It appears to me he never wanted a relationship in the first place, yet your constant barage of affection on him makes him realise that he doesnt think he can leave you without you harming yourself or his children.

Just my opinion of course.

do you (or your children) have any contact with his family? his parents?