Signs your long-term relationship is petering out

[Tesla]

If your partner of 8 years lives many miles away and when he comes to visit stays a week or so, but ignores you most of the time, does not wish to go out anywhere with you and now claims he can't sleep in the same bed with you because he's become allergic to the perfume you're wearing -when you don't wear any - and also responds to the question, "Are we still a couple or not?" with either, "I refuse to answer that/ I don't want you to know", also does not phone you, takes days to respond to text messages and then only brief/succinct, emails only in response and then never,ever, ever signs off with any sentiments such as miss you, love you, etc. Never sends birthday, Valentine, Christmas cards or presents, claims to be too busy to stay at Christmas, and can't afford to drive down to see you because he's skint, or when he does visit, it might be very irregular such as for a week, then nothing for 6 months, then another few days, then nothing for a couple of months, and you never know when he'll next visit nor will he commit to any kind of regular visits,...

does it means he's just not that into you anymore, his love long since faded, and you're just hanging on out of stupidity? Should you just bear the heartbreak and dump him and find a new man who actually wants to be with you, love you and cherish you?
especially if there's young kdis involved?

I've tried every measure going to keep communication alive in this long-distance relationship and pine for him when he's not here but can hardly bear the anxiety anymore of never knowing when he'll next visit. I'm utterly in love and always have been, so how can I get him to communicate with me and reassure me he still loves and wants me, depite the distance.

I've asked for an occassional "Hang in there, I know you miss me, I'll see you soon" but he refuses to give me even that tiny morsel of reassurance

I'm slowly becoming heartbroken, I feel like the most important relationship in my life is slipping into history.

PortiaNovmerriment ... isn't that what these boards are for, to get other people's ideas on what I should do? If I already knew, I wouldnt be here!

Tes, I think the issue is you are still hopeful, and you have to stop that because he is past changing at least for the foreseeable. You can wait and wait and WAIT for this guy, or you can bypass the pain and move on.

Look elsewhere; stop investing emotional energy on someone who is not responding, and stop bashing your head against this brick wall.

Look to other people; realise he isn't going to do what you want or need, and focus on other areas of your life.

That way is the only way out of your situation. Other people. He is not the answer.

You are doing well if you have already come to this conclusion by yourself, and your opening post seems to indicate you have, almost anyway.

This is good - it's the first step.

Fliight I see where you're coming from and it could be looked at that way, or also more simplistically in that he can't be with his family because he has to look after his belongings and protect them from theft or vandalism, he can't financially help supprt us as he's unemployed, although he does make thousands selling online he says that he's also in debt thousands, so what he sells just pays off that debt with none left over for us or anything else.

He's not very conventional in the white van man goes down the pub loves football, beer and blondes kind of way, so he cant ever be that sort of traditional family man.

Yes he often gets depressed though he wont admit that, he'll just say I've got him down!

He wont go to counselling, he would just sit and laugh at the counsellor either during the appointment or afterwards, to me. Otherwise he'd spend the entire appointment telling the counsellor he thinks I've got aspergers (his latest obsession, after the Radon gas that my house is apparently built on)and that no-one should take any notice of what I say! He's abit dippy, into his conspiracy theories and quite a hypochondriac (although again, like all hypochondriacs, he vehemently denies that!)

There's a lot of problems, distance not being the least. But I still ove him as much as the day I first met him, even when your man is being odd/ an arse/ unfathomable, you still remember the good tiems and how much you lvoe them and because of that want to make it work. I couldnt possibly give up on him if I thought he still lvoed me, but I dont know that fundamental thing because he wont tell me. Dilemma I know.
(glad there's a Confused emote here!)

No man puts his 'belongings' before seeing his children.

Wake up, he doesn't love you or his children!!

Do you think letting him read this Thread would do any good? It might be useful for him to read other people's opinions on our situation, at least then he cant say the opinions are biased because they're from my friends or family. Or that might annoy him then we dont get to see him again for a year!

I'm out.

and he is employed because he does have an income, he just chooses to defraud the nation by not paying tax on it!!

Report him to the CSA (or whatever it's called now)

He's abusive and YOU are letting him treat you this way.

YOU are letting him treat your children in this way.

ffs

Sorky, do you think he uses it as an excuse then, about protecting his stuff from theft and vandals, in order not to visit us, not because he doesnt love his children because he does, but because he doesnt want to see me, but cant figure out a way of seeing his children without me in the picture? Im sorry, I am really, really, really dumb when it comes to people, I am quite naive sometimes and have no intuition about people or situations.

If so, it would be so easy to just tell me outright wouldnt, No I dont love you anymore but I want to keep seeing my children, how do we do this?

I just dont get it..

He sounds totally unhinged. From what you say I am failing to understand how this man is in at all attractive to you.

Going by what you've said about the situation it sounds like he doesn't care about you or your children, possibly has mental health problems, and maybe even another family somewhere. How do you know what state his houses are in? Have you ever been there or are you just going on what he tells you.

Honestly, please listen to what everyone is telling you here. It's terrible to keep reading how in denial you are about this situation. It's unhealthy and cruel and you and your DCs deserve so so much better than he is offering you.

Sorry have I upset someone why are you leaaving ?
I dont understand. I genuinely do need as much advise as anyone can give, it's not my fault if yo love someone so much you cant see the wood for the trees, is it?

madonnawhore I wouldnt know Im in denial until people tell me, thats why Im here, but I seem to be upsetting people and they're storming off. I AM listening to whats being advised. Im not a brick wall. It's an incredibly difficult dilemma, I like to solve problems but I just cant seem to crack this one for love or money and I never give up on things, so Im pretty stressed by this.

Tesla, Im so sorry for you too.

You must stop making excuses for this man.

Tell me why he cant run his thousands of pounds worth of ebay empire from local to you.

This issue of guarding his possessions seem to be a way of avoiding you, but not avoiding his friends ( festivals?)

Tell me why he is "unemployed" , yet coining in thousands, yet you and your precious babies get a fiver a week. ( it sounds like he's fraudulently claiming benefits as well is this right?)

How can he afford to renovate a second house, yet he cant afford to support your children?

Why do you want to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to kiss you? Dont you think you might deserve a little more than that?

He can afford to go to festivals but buys you and your kids a keyring?

I agree, it does sound like he has quite profound mental health needs, yet on the other hand he manages to have a functioning life, 2 houses, a thousand pounds turnover business, friends to go to festivals with,cant be bothered to take a train journey to see his children, even for Xmas- yet blames you for that. Decent dads wouldn't miss every Christmas with their children.

I truly feel so sad for you xxxx Please, just set yourself free from all this waiting.

Good luck from 1foot.

They may be thinking this is a made up situation.

It does seem incredible that you let this 'man' treat you like this.

However, if you are real Tesla, this situation is not normal, good for you and the children and must not go on.

You are wasting your life on this turd.

Hope you are ok. Be strong, tell him whatever you had, it's over. x

has he told you why he won't let you have his landline tel number? Fgs you are the mother of his children. This sounds very suspect to me, he is hiding something.

I am not thinking made up, as much as I am thinking I can't help if the OP is determined to make excuses. This is beyond what I can give advice on, because you don't seem even slightly rational, I'm afraid.

Have to go again, online time is sporadic with kiddies especially stir-crazy ones indoor on this rainy day!

Not those sort of festivals, just little local music events in the park sort of thing and they're probably free.

He can't afford to renovate either house, they're both just sitting there going to rack and ruin.

Never mind the mental health thing, couldnt it just be really simple, in taht he doesnt love me anymore but for some reason refuses to let me know that, perhaps he's worried he might not see his children again if he dumps me?

Tesla, if you are real, everyone here is right, you no longer have a relationship with that man. It's over, and is time for you to move on.

Family or no family he doesn't show ANY commitment to either you or your children. You wouldn't even know if he dropped dead at some point. You are not part of his life anymore.

yes, sorry to be blunt but.
Stop making excuses for him.
He might well have another family in a similar set up to you, have you considered that? Or antoher woman who has her own place/family ...

I can't believe you have lasted so long in such a disjointed relationship. he really isn't bothered with you or his children is h e. if he were you'd be living together. His excuses are laughable, but then again i guess by the time oyu've heard the next excuse/expanation, then the next and so on, you just end up believing them.

if you stopped contact with him altogether, i wonder if he'd even notice. What a terribly sad situation.

BTW many ex's who can't afford to pay a penny for their children can afford things that would have been considered absolute luxuries while the relationship was on.

The fact he is telling you he has no money doesn't mean that that is true, but in any case, taking care of his possesions??? he doesn't care about his children at all or is a very stingy person you really don't need near to you or your children.

It's not made up, I wish it was. Can you stop insinutating this as it makes me look stupid and affects what other people might want to contribute to the discussion if they dont think it's genuine

I think he said I dont need his landline number because it's chepaer for me to ring him on his mobile as we share the same network. If I still ask for it, he'll just say something lihe he hasnt got a handset or he'll never reach the phone in time better to ring on his mobile.

What do you think about me linking this thread to him?

I think that he will either say that we are right, or will not bother to answer back.

If he cant afford to renovate the houses, why doesn't he just sell one?

Sorry this just defies logic for me too, I feel so so sorry for you that you have believed this for so long.

Be strong, you need to love from 1foot x

Tesla. I would say, based on your posts, that he does not love you. I'm sorry.

Re the children - he didn't want to have them with you, he doesn't see them for sometimes up to 6 months. He gives you £5 a week to help support them. So he doesn't seem very worried about them either.

There is not seeing the wood for the trees and there is being in deep denial. You are in denial.

You need to step back, look at all you have written and decide if this man is someone worth your thought, time and energy.

A lot of strangers on the internet, who have no axe to grind, no side to take, and only your words to go on are telling you what you don't seem able to see for yourself.

I don't think you should show him this thread.

I am sorry to be blunt, but those excuses about the landline are just crap. He would let you have it if he wasn't hiding something or he really cared.

To be honest if he cared about you he would be with you - he is unemployed so he doesn't need to stay where he is, he could spend as much time as possible with you and look for a job near you too. He is making excuses not to be with you.

This man also doesn't seem to show much care to his dc's either - he should want to spend time with them.

He is being cruel to you and I feel for you but really you need to get rid of him and find someone who is worth investing these feelings in.