Signs your long-term relationship is petering out

[Tesla]

If your partner of 8 years lives many miles away and when he comes to visit stays a week or so, but ignores you most of the time, does not wish to go out anywhere with you and now claims he can't sleep in the same bed with you because he's become allergic to the perfume you're wearing -when you don't wear any - and also responds to the question, "Are we still a couple or not?" with either, "I refuse to answer that/ I don't want you to know", also does not phone you, takes days to respond to text messages and then only brief/succinct, emails only in response and then never,ever, ever signs off with any sentiments such as miss you, love you, etc. Never sends birthday, Valentine, Christmas cards or presents, claims to be too busy to stay at Christmas, and can't afford to drive down to see you because he's skint, or when he does visit, it might be very irregular such as for a week, then nothing for 6 months, then another few days, then nothing for a couple of months, and you never know when he'll next visit nor will he commit to any kind of regular visits,...

does it means he's just not that into you anymore, his love long since faded, and you're just hanging on out of stupidity? Should you just bear the heartbreak and dump him and find a new man who actually wants to be with you, love you and cherish you?
especially if there's young kdis involved?

I've tried every measure going to keep communication alive in this long-distance relationship and pine for him when he's not here but can hardly bear the anxiety anymore of never knowing when he'll next visit. I'm utterly in love and always have been, so how can I get him to communicate with me and reassure me he still loves and wants me, depite the distance.

I've asked for an occassional "Hang in there, I know you miss me, I'll see you soon" but he refuses to give me even that tiny morsel of reassurance

I'm slowly becoming heartbroken, I feel like the most important relationship in my life is slipping into history.

Why on earth does he need to say that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you? Actions speak louder than words, you don't need words in this situation to see that it is, and has long been over.

Move on. Don't spend another 8 years of your life being grateful to this man for the odd hug and keyring every 6 months. Bloody hell I feel nothing but sadness after reading this.

Shewill: I feel a little sad too but my sympathies are more for the bloke (well actually they are mostly for the DC in this situation). If this isn't some kind of odd windup then the OP is not, actually, a very nice person. She is not entitled to a relationship with this man, and while he may well be a bit dodgy, it must be pretty hellish to have to deal, longterm, with someone who will not accept that you don't love them and don't consider yourself in any way their partner - and yet, because of DC, being unable to simply disappear from this person's life. ANd being a child in this kind of situation must be unbearable.

Ok Tesla, I'm sorry you are being subjected to some out of order posts (SGB? you can't just fling stuff like that at the OP, it is based on nothing and really offensive)

I am going to say that as someone who probably has Aspergers, I think you might well have it too.

This might be a good basis on which to take the advice of us lot, here, as you clearly have something preventing you understanding how bad this situation is. That's not your fault - it's part of the deal with AS.

However - I don't think you need someone in your life who uses this amateur diagnosis in order to laugh at and dismiss everything you say.

Your boyfriend is very, very odd in his behaviour and he is very bad for you - and he doesn't love you, I'm so sorry. Someone who loved you would want to be around you, and he spends almost all the time avoiding you and the kids.

Think about it - you love him, right? nd you want to be with him much more than this. But he evidently doesn't feel like that or he would be trying to be with you more.

You have some kind of relationship but it is way, way out of normal range for an actual romantic relationship, in fact he sounds like a friend if anything and a very poor one at that.

You don't have to get him out of your life or lay down any rules. What you have to do is stop expecting him to be nicer to you. because he won't. You're not in control of that.
You ARE in control of how you respond to him, how much you see other people, and which ones, and how much you attempt to protect your kids from what might well be a damaging experience involving this man and what he is doing to you.

Are you with me so far? He isn't able to love you like you love him. He can't do it, or won't do it, and you are leading a really lonely life.

Hope this makes sense. x

OP is evidently of very high intelligence but has problems when it comes to recognising others' motives.

This combo to me suggests something on the Autistic scale, and I don't think attacking her (not you litr) helps one little bit.

It is frustrating I know but level with OP and bear with her, she is trying to understand something from a slightly alien standpoint.

I recognise myself in her writing and it's not fake.

Tes, please come back when you can. There are many of us willing to talk you through this and take you seriously.

Weather you agree with any of the posts doesn't really matter, the real question is what are you going to do? No-one has come up with a good enough reason for his actions.

He is not willing/able to bevthe partner/father you/dcs need do what are you going to do about it?

RockinSockBunnies
He contributes what he can, he has debts to pay off he says. I've no reason to doubt that, he's very extravagant. He does what he can for me when he's here, he does a few DIY jobs.

I'm not reporting him for any kind of fraud that's his prerogative.

I'm receiving the maxiumum from the CSA from his declared circumstances.

I keep reading "this can't be true!" Well, I'm sorry that your world ends at your front garden, but problems come in all shapes and sizes, not all wrapped up in a pretty Standardised box with a tag attached saying "this is a Normal Problem, Nothing Outgrageous,Everyone can have this Problem, and even Mumsnetters can solve it, so it must be Really Normal!"

You must realise that this sort of thing goes on in relationships, just because you dont personally have experience of this problem doesnt mean it doesnt exist.

I've just read this thread backwards - I see where you're coming from, Fliight! Good amateur diagnosis there

Tesla, I agree with Fliight that you have misread the signals this man is giving you. The things that you've posted, which make you sad, are sure-fire signs he's lost interest in you. I'm very sad for you; you've been giving your love, for a long time, to a non-existent relationship. At least you know now.

You do deserve better. Your kids do, too! You will find a more suitable love, I'm sure. But for now the greatest thing is to put all your loving back where it belongs, in yourself and your children.

I'm sorry for your heartache. Things can be MUCH better than this for you. Start loving yourself, and see

Tesla, sorry you are getting a bit of a rough ride here. You asked in your OP about what his behaviour means. You've had a very clear response about what all those posting think it means, and in trying to help you clarify this in your mind I asked you a couple of questions earlier which have been a bit lost in the subsequent posts ....

1. what do you think about the situation now that you have had a resounding, in fact unanimous, response of "he doesn't love you and he doesn't want a relationship with you."?

1. you say you love him for better or worse - but where's the "better" in this set up exactly?

Perhaps focus on what you think you should do now that you have canvassed views from a wide range of people, in differing types of relationships, from differing backgrounds and with different experiences, to find that they speak pretty much with one voice.

And think about what would constitute the "better" part of a relationship. Did you ever have a better time with this man, or has it always been this way?

You ask if you should endure the heartbreak and move on.... it sounds as though you know really that you should, you just can't bear to take the final step into the certainty of heartbeak rather than clinging on to the last small vestiges of hope.

'he doesnt think he can leave you without you harming yourself or his children. '
Tripe.

Oh for gods sake get a grip you stupid women and quit with this self-harm issue, what is it about this website that people either advise you to dump your man or put the axe away, eugene. This business about suicide and other rubbish is really bleddy annoying me! I came on here to get some viewpoints on my situation and instead Ive got a lot of nonsense about how Im about to commit suicide and harm my kids, based on what exactly? EXACTLY. Conjecture and fiction on your part.

tesla.

The relationship he is offering you is that of "Occasional Fuckbuddy"

People who want a relationship make some effort towards one. He is not making any effort towards being in a relationship with you.

If he wanted to see you and couldn't leave his house, he would come and pick you up in the ca, and take you back to his house.

You are being lied to, and not even very convincingly. He's been lucky that you have been very gullible.

Reality check time.

He is not your partner. Partners make more effort than that. he is the children's biological father and that is the only function he is performing right now.

So, an appropriate way to treat a biological father would be to offer him the chance to collect his children every other Friday evening and return them on the Sunday that follows it. Collect your CSA money. You have no other obligation to him.

When you start to do this, he might react angrily, but that's because he is a dishonest and unpleasant man, not because you are wrong to finish with him.

Fliight I was thinking exactly the same thing. When OP didn't understand why people were leaving the thread I thought that perhaps there might be some truth in her children's father's assertion that she has Asbergers.

Not that that would make him any less of a cruel bastard for ignoring his children for months on end.

OK Ive had enough, thankyou for your views but the stuff about accusing me of harming myself or my children freaks me out, I dont want to hear stuff like that from complete strangers, I STRONGLY resent the suggesstion Im this kind of person and the same with the AUTISM which is different to ASPERGERS (rolls eyes emote ... except there isnt one)

Crikey, I just wanted some views on whether this man loved me, not people trying to say it's all my fault for being affectionate to my own boyfriend of 8 years and that it must be because Im suicidal

colditz yes you've summed it up. Thankyou to everyone else too, except those who've accused me of trying to harm my children and the one who said I've been subjecting my boyfriend to domestic violence based solely on what I've written here!!

I tend to dismiss his theories, especially this latest aspergers one, as he also b elieve the house is built on Radon, the twin towers were bombed by it's own government and that aliens walk among us, so you can understand my dismissiveness nature and willingness to always see the best in people/naievety- whether you want to label that as Aspergers or not, is your choice I suppose, but personally I dont subscribe to being able to get away with behaviours just because you've been labelled as This, That or the Other.

Im allowed to be affectionate to him, I'm his girfriend, he sometimes responds, he's the one sending out mixed messages, not me!

Tesla, calm down a little bit.

People have been reacting strangely because it is difficult for people to believe what you have been tolerating from this man, and I think some of the posters thought you were joking. SolidGoldBrass often does get a little peculiar about the rights of people in relationships, but I'm very sure that no offense is meant to you by any of the posters.

I do hope you manage to arrange this situation better. What do you think you are going to do next?

Tesla I don't really get where people are coming from with the self-harm thing either, but what's disturbing about this thread is that this bloke so obviously doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and makes very little effort with his kids, yet you seem to be in denial about the facts of your situation i.e HE'S NOT INTERESTED.

I think people are just a bit concerned that the penny hasn't dropped yet for you. You came on here asking for advice and you have been given a lot of good advice, but you don't seem to want to take it on board. You seem to want someone to tell you you're right to keep hanging on and putup with being treated like shit, but no one's going to say that because we all care enough about you to be honest and to really hope that you put an end to this odd and unhealthy relationship as soon as possible.

I don't really do labeling of adults. Everyone has a different personality.

His behavior sounds paranoid and defensive, and really I think you will be happier alone, not waiting for him to decide to respond to you.

The onus is now on you to decide what to do with your time.

Sorry but this is navy woman again, Desolate? Posters invested lots of time last time too.

'you don't seem to want to take it on board. You seem to want someone to tell you you're right to keep hanging on '

You cant actually make that judgement, because nowhere in my replies does it say anything of the sort along the lines 'Im not tkaing this on board'

It's also conjecture that I want somneone to tell me to hang on.

I cant answer right now what Im going to do, because this discussion over a few hours is not conclusive enough for me to make a decision, what it hs done however is help to see the bigger picture from an outside point of view, which is originally what I was hoping for and my intentnion in creating this thread.

BTW, I'm very calm, justifiably annoyed however about the self-harm and harming childrne thing!

Ok, Good luck tesla.

Tesla, in your OP you said that you want your partner to tell you to hang on ...

"I've asked for an occassional "Hang in there, I know you miss me, I'll see you soon" but he refuses to give me even that tiny morsel of reassurance"

I hope this thread has let you see more clearly what you are getting, or rather not getting, from this relationship.

I've asked you a couple of times about the "better" times in your relationship but you don't reply to that. Are there any good bits either now or in fairly recent times you can point to?