DH says I've turned him into a chauvinist.

[HowDoIMakeHimUnderstand]

Have namechanged...

DH and I have been together 2 years, married for 1 and we have an 8 month old DD.

When we met, he was a laid-back, tolerant liberal man. Very much a live and let live sort of person...especially when it came to gender roles and women.

However, since we married and had DD, he has really started to alter his perception on relationships, marriage, men/women and just about everything.

We have a traditional set-up. I am a SAHM, he goes out to work. He works full time and has his own business, so he works really really long hours. As a result, I do all the housework, cooking and the majority of child-care.

Recently, he has begun to make comments in regards to a 'woman's place being in the home', he doesn't like the 'feminisation of the work-place' and says that when he was younger he was led to believe that there was no such thing as a happy housewife so he gave up thinking he would ever meet one. Until I came along apparently...

I am a v. laid back sort of person. I don't mind picking up dirty socks and towels off the floor, I couldn't give a fig what he wears, how he does his hair and I don't give a crap about clothes/jewelry/shopping etc. I hate confrontation, so if something trivial is bothering me, I just let it slide. Because of our personalities, DH is very much the dominant one in our relationship.

This is just who I am naturally, it is not planned nor is it a conscious choice.

However, it seems that my laid-back, do all the housework and generally let him get on with his business/go out to pub/fix up his cars, attitude is bringing about a really unpleasant side in him.

He now spouts forth that all women should stay home full time to raise their children and that no man really wants to do housework and change nappies...and any man that does so is just pandering to 'his woman' because he has been mis-led by the feminist movement and the media into thinking that he has to act 'like a pussy' in order to keep a woman...

I've tried pointing out how wrong this attitude is...I've argued with him. All to no avail. He just smiles at me and says 'Well, I'm just glad you're not a career-woman type. I go out to work, you stay home...this is how it should be'. He even said our marital set-up has made him a chauvinist.

What should I do? We are fundamentally very happy with our marriage, he treats me really well, is always there for me if I need him and is a completely devoted father. But I'm v. worried about the impact this new 'thinking' could have on our DD as she gets older...

Have I made a rod for my own back here? Should I stop behaving like this? What can I do?

Advice really needed here...thanks if you got this far!

Good grief. Any man who came out with such a load of unpleasant misogynist shit like that would possibly move me to violence, let alone a desire to stay married to him.

Unless you can send him somewhere to be "re-programmed", I just can't imagine a man like this changing at all. He must be a spectacularly unpleasant male colleague as well.

I cannot see how he has suddenly become like this either, but yes you have certainly been enabling this behaviour. If you want to stay with him, you can therefore only change yourself and stop mothering him and tolerating this sort of blatant sexism.

Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic, but I just cannot imagine wanting to spend any time with someone like this, let alone have sex with them and raise a family. And yes, your daughter needs two very different role models in her life.

I am a SAHM and DH works very long hours. He does, however, pitch in on his days off.

If he started to spout such drivel I would be mentioning divorce.

Thanks for your reply When...I appreciate your honesty. I expected similar...

As he works in engineering, his office is only populated by men, which probably doesn't help...

My worry is that by altering my behaviour and confronting him, forcing an argument and making him face his sexism, I will be ruining what is actually a very happy life for us. If he had not begun to make such comments, I would have carried on feeling very happy with our marriage.

As I wrote, I don't act the way I do out of duty or obligation. I am quite happy to be a housewife and do all that stuff...

Just wish he would shut his trap about this...

OMG you have just described my marriage with ex h. Lovely, relaxed, gentle man until I had our first child and then he turned into a misogynistic monster. In fact he turned into his father. The timescale is similar also. Our child was born in our second year together.

Just so you know, it won't stop there. He might only be saying it now but I fear for your future when you are no longer tied to your child as she becomes more independent and you want to get a job and a life etc.

My ex believed that any job I should get as a mother should be a "little job" that would contribute but it didn't matter in the least if it was fulfilling for me as I "have a family now". Your dh won't just be saying this in the future he will become more and more controlling to keep you in the place he is assigning for you right now.

DH is a chef and has only worked with 3 female chefs in his entire 25yr career (he says they were all brilliant BTW) so working in an all male environment is no excuse.

Just tell him to shut his trap and develop some empathy.

Ugh. If DH said any of these things you would not see me for dust.

Hate to say it but I rather suspect he's been like this all along and just hid it for the last two years. You need to nip it in the bud now (if that is possible) or in a year or two he will think he is God and you are his domestic slave.

I do think you need to stand up for equality in your own marriage a bit more. When he's not at work, he should be doing his fair share of the housework/childcare, not down the pub or fixing up cars. I appreciate it will be hard and cause rows in the short term but honestly it is worth it in the long term if you don't want him to go further down this path.

I also think it would help if you could introduce him to some men who are genuinely happy to (indeed want to) spend time looking after their kids/cooking/etc. (No point introducing him to career women, he'll just dismiss them).

And do keep challenging his views... even if it gets repetitive.

Thanks for comments all...

I'll admit I was hoping to hear that this is a common problem and that I could just bury my head in the sand...but it's best I have honest opinions.

minipie - re the domestic slave stuff. He is unusually supportive of me. My cooking is 'perfect', he tells me every day that I am beautiful and he can't believe how lucky he is to be married to me. He encourages me to see my friends/family and offers to take DD so I can have some me-time, or go out...

If I've had a rough day and the house is a mess, he gives me a big hug, tells me not to worry and offers to get fish and chips so I don't have to cook...

He really is a wonderful husband and father.

But he seems to think all marriages should be like ours and all women should be housewives...

Just saw your last post:

"My worry is that by altering my behaviour and confronting him, forcing an argument and making him face his sexism, I will be ruining what is actually a very happy life for us. If he had not begun to make such comments, I would have carried on feeling very happy with our marriage."

Just read that again. It is not YOU who would be making your marriage unhappy. HE is doing so by his comments.

And even if you are happy with his behaviour now, just not his comments, I think the time would come when you would not be happy with his behviour either...

So is he going to tell your DD that she should be a housewife, when she starts making education/career choices?

I'm not sure he really believes the crap he's spouting, I think he may just be saying how 'happy' he is with your family set-up. And how surprised he is that he likes it.

He does seem to see it very black and white though - your family set-up suits you but can't be extrapolated to suit all others. I think that's what I'd be pointing out to him as that kind of rigid thinking isn't very attractive.

I would point out that the world is full of other relationships that work differently and that you're happy now but people change over time and you may want something different in a few years (or you may not) but he should be prepared for your relationship to change as they all do.

That's what I worry minipie...that he will expect DD to follow a set path in life, just because she's a girl.

I've asked him about this, he says he will support her no matter what, but I can't see how he can call other women 'harpees and bitches and butch lesbians' (I'm really sorry for repeating these words...they are disgusting in this context) for having a careers, being independent and making money but when it comes to DD he will be just fine if she decided to become a lawyer/business owner etc.

He says he knows so many unhappily married men that are made so by 'money grabbing, career feminist types'.

And if only women would go home, stay at home and be 'happy housewives' most divorces would not happen.

Sigh...that sounds just awful. I feel bad just typing it.

I agree with miniepie.
You should sit down with again and say that these comments have made you really unhappy and uneasy within your marriage and you need to discuss it further because it is worrying you about your future together.
That should pull him up.
You are an equal and he should listen to what you have to say.

I am a childminder and therefore always at home and I do 90% of the household chores during the week. My DH works long hours with a 2hour commute each day. However, when he is at home we are a team and he mucks in with all the childcare/housework/goes shopping etc.

If you "allow" your DH to continue this attitude towards women then you are not doing you or your DD any favours at all.

A marriage is a partnership, I have no problem with being the one who picks up the dirty socks etc BUT the minute my DH treated me like a second class citizen he would get his arse kicked into shape!

His mistake is to think that because something works for you and him it should be a universal rule.

My advice would be to demonstrate how ridiculous his ideas are.

Hmmmm... any daft thing should do really. Cook him something he hates and explain that he should like it because so-and-so's husband likes it, so it therefore fits that it should suit all men. Something like that? Any stupid generalisations will do.

His ideas are offensive for the simple reason that feminism is about choice. What he's saying to you is that even though you exercised your right to choose to be a SAHM, you should be denied that fundamental choice.

His logic is that you like it, so all women could like it (if only we'd get our silly heads out of the clouds for a moment).

But it's YOUR choice he wants to take away. YOURS, not his.

It's so vile. I couldn't stay married to someone who didn't think I should be able to choose my own path.

Just because your path suits him, doesn't mean it isn't your path and your choice

I feel as though I'm somehow colluding with him in all this...I feel like some sort of traitor for being a 'happy housewife'.

On the one hand, I'm chuffed he is so happy to be my husband, but the woman-bashing has got to stop.

I tried to test it the other day. I told him I was thinking about doing a law conversion course and becoming a solicitor (I'm not...I love being a SAHM). He said he would support me, he joked about me earning more money than him. I said would he be happy to be at home maybe, look after DD alot more? He said he would...because he knew that even if I did start a career I 'wouldn't turn into one of those women'...i.e a money obsessed, man-hating woman...

It's all so odd.

Is it possible to be abused by someone who treats you so nicely and so well?

I am utterly confused...and more than a bit concerned.

thank you for your book recommendation dittany.

I will check it out...though what DH would say if he knew I was reading it in relation to him I don't know.

I think he'd be crushed...

Wow, it gets worse. It sounds as though this man actually hates women. Because it suits him sexually and domestically though, he seems to have got himself into a mindset that you are not really a woman at all. There's not a chance in hell that he wasn't always like this OP, he's just managed to hide it, although God knows how. When you look back on your relationship, there must have been signs of this?

And I also want to take issue with all of you who say you don't mind picking up dirty washing - this suggests that the said washing has been left on floors or anywhere other than the laundry basket or the machine. Why don't you mind that? It's a pretty low expectation that a partner will make a job easier for whoever is doing it, but some of you don't even seem to have that.

"Is it possible to be abused by someone who treats you so nicely and so well?"

Goodness me, yes! But the point is that at the moment, you are fitting in with his warped idea of womanhood, so he has no need to be nasty to you personally, he just reserves that for other women who are not subservient...

As soon as you start making different choices though, you watch. He will turn very nasty indeed. He is being utterly disingenuous with his talk about how he would feel if your roles reversed. He knows you don't want this, but is in fact threatening you that if you do - and turn into a normal feminist woman, there will be repercussions. It is a good thing to be a feminist you know, it is not an epithet!

it all sounds awful when it's in black and white doesn't it?

And I really do feel as though this is all my fault. I am such a submissive type of person. He is the decision maker in the house, but only because it's rare that I have strong enough feelings about something that it just has to be done 'my way'.

Sexually, it's the same. I like sex, I like having sex with him, so I often will (happily) have sex with him even if I'm not necessarily in the mood, or even if I feel a little unwell. He doesn't pressure me to do it, and makes it clear he does not expect it but I will do it happily for him, because I love him.

But all these things seem to have warped his sense of perspective...

I feel angry with myself rather than him...as I said, I'm really confused by all this.