DH says I've turned him into a chauvinist.

[HowDoIMakeHimUnderstand]

Have namechanged...

DH and I have been together 2 years, married for 1 and we have an 8 month old DD.

When we met, he was a laid-back, tolerant liberal man. Very much a live and let live sort of person...especially when it came to gender roles and women.

However, since we married and had DD, he has really started to alter his perception on relationships, marriage, men/women and just about everything.

We have a traditional set-up. I am a SAHM, he goes out to work. He works full time and has his own business, so he works really really long hours. As a result, I do all the housework, cooking and the majority of child-care.

Recently, he has begun to make comments in regards to a 'woman's place being in the home', he doesn't like the 'feminisation of the work-place' and says that when he was younger he was led to believe that there was no such thing as a happy housewife so he gave up thinking he would ever meet one. Until I came along apparently...

I am a v. laid back sort of person. I don't mind picking up dirty socks and towels off the floor, I couldn't give a fig what he wears, how he does his hair and I don't give a crap about clothes/jewelry/shopping etc. I hate confrontation, so if something trivial is bothering me, I just let it slide. Because of our personalities, DH is very much the dominant one in our relationship.

This is just who I am naturally, it is not planned nor is it a conscious choice.

However, it seems that my laid-back, do all the housework and generally let him get on with his business/go out to pub/fix up his cars, attitude is bringing about a really unpleasant side in him.

He now spouts forth that all women should stay home full time to raise their children and that no man really wants to do housework and change nappies...and any man that does so is just pandering to 'his woman' because he has been mis-led by the feminist movement and the media into thinking that he has to act 'like a pussy' in order to keep a woman...

I've tried pointing out how wrong this attitude is...I've argued with him. All to no avail. He just smiles at me and says 'Well, I'm just glad you're not a career-woman type. I go out to work, you stay home...this is how it should be'. He even said our marital set-up has made him a chauvinist.

What should I do? We are fundamentally very happy with our marriage, he treats me really well, is always there for me if I need him and is a completely devoted father. But I'm v. worried about the impact this new 'thinking' could have on our DD as she gets older...

Have I made a rod for my own back here? Should I stop behaving like this? What can I do?

Advice really needed here...thanks if you got this far!

Yes, i'm sure a lot of men out there do share his thoughts. Doesn't make those thoughts less shit though. I'm genuinely sorry that you have to live with this babe and i'd think about what anyfucker said - especially as a SAHM.

"but they've been browbeaten into accepting a more 50/50 approach to housework, finances and child-care."
There's so many things wrong with this that i don't know where to start.
Basically, he and (by his projection) other men are unhappy that the women don't generally tolerate being left with the crappiest housework jobs to support a husband for no money while he has no responsibilities with maximum benefits. Attractive.

Well, both of my BIL's have SAHW and have very mixed feelings about it - one is continuously on the brink of financial ruin but his wife doesn't want to work so he works murderously long hours to keep them afloat - the other is pretty convinced that not going back to work contributed to his wife's depression and isolation after their kids went to school and her self-confidence is very low. Both talk about how stressful it is to have the responsibility of the financial health of the family entirely on their shoulders.

So I think most blokes prefer having a partner they can share responsibility with, rather than a lovely pet.

WombFrootShoot If it's a madonna/whore thing then my behaviour must be contributing to this a great deal...

My question...what I meant was is there anyone reading who is in that sort of traditional set-up where the man is kind of head of the family/main breadwinner/decision maker?

Or am I a total freak, as I'm starting to suspect?

nope you arent wrong exactly, pretty much all men enjoy a domesticated life, its just they (traditionally and statistically) do far less than the lions share of making any of that domesticity work. like picking up their own socks for eg.........

please dont feel like an idiot! god, you are far from that. questioning your life and your place in it is an INTELLIGENT thing to do.

It seems to me that he only regards himself and other men as real worthwhile humans. He thinks women should be subservient, and has managed to keep this mostly to himself for the past two years. How he did this lord alone nows, and you portray him as sounding quite "evangelical" (how appropriate) about the roles you two are living out, and it sounds as if he can hardly stop talking about it.

Have you asked him about what his beliefs mean for his daughter? Does he want her education neglected, or opportunities denied her because she was born female?

What is really scary is his slagging off of women as a group, then the belatedly making you an exception. I mean, if someone said "cor, every time I see a woman wearing red it just makes me so angry. Bitches, I just want to punch them" then added "but not you of course, you'd never wear red. You're not like them." You'd take it as a pretty clear message as to what kind of hatred would be in store for you in you did put something red on, wouldn't you? I think he is trying to scare you, expressing his anger towards "uppity" women as a way to keep you down. (Am queen of crap analogies BTW, hope that makes some kind of sense)

dittany I understand what you're saying...I can't find the words to reply because I'm feeling quite ashamed of myself, for my DD's sake.

I would be devastated if a man ever spoke about her in such terms...

But I can say categorically, he has never pushed me, got in my way or been aggressive in any way shape or form. He is really a gentle sort of person...friendly, kind and thoughtful, although he doesn't sound it here.

tanga "a lovely pet"...that's what I am I think

"lord alone knows, as you portray him"

Also, you didn't "make" him anything. What his comments show was that he was hiding his true colours to hook you in. Or as he would put it, "acting like a pussy". Imagine his delight in finding a partner who due to her own, er, different upbringing would allow him to express his vile misogynist views in every aspect of his daily life.

he is friendly, kind and thoughtful as long as he gets his own way ?

controlling

We met at work ironically! As I put in my OP, when we met, his views were so very different. But his treatment of me has remained consistent.

I think you've heard from about 25 or so women today, none of whom know one another and have therefore not been conferring and so no, this is not normal behaviour. And actually, although some men will jokingly pine for the days when their forefathers did hard manual labour and fuck all at home and with the children, actually all decent modern men would hate that sort of lifestyle.

Your H's views are horrible, OP. I agree with Dittany's analogy of it being like a black woman living with a male white supremacist. You can delude yourself forever that he isn't referring to you when he disparages women in this way, but the only reason he doesn't is that for the moment, you are compliant.

There are some issues in life for which the "agree to disagree" concept just cannot apply. I could not live with someone with beliefs like these. I would hate a man who espoused this nonsense. Just as I could not love someone who is racist, I could not love someone with your H's views.

The damage to your DD will be incalculable too, especially because her Father's views will be so out of step with the other male role models she is likely to meet in life; male teachers, friends' dads, a potential FIL. She will soon realise that there is something very odd about her Father and her parents' marriage. She will never understand why you put up with this sort of man - she might well grow to despise you for your lack of backbone.

I have never read a post when I've wanted to punch a man on the nose more.

AF he is controlling in alot of ways. He doesn't like to be told what to do, he likes to have complete control of the finances (but he never witholds money) and he does have some basic expectations of what a wife should do.

What are his basic expectations of what a wife should do?

What if you have a baby boy? He will be brought up to hate and despise women just like daddy does.

Also, would you mind answering my questions about his views and how they relate to your DD?

When that's pretty much what I feared people would say

basic expectations ?????

is that his term ?

does he have a manual for you to follow...give you lists of tasks he expects you to complete ?

I fucking hate this man

Kind? He is some kind of something...but a decent, tolerant man, he ain't

Are you allowed to see friends and family? Or does he try to keep you all to himself?

CrackFox

He expects me to get a certain list of jobs done each day:

1. make his lunch for work
2. Cook an evening meal
3. Do any laundry that needs doing
4. Wash dishes

All other household jobs are to be done as and when, but these are his priorities.

elephantsandmiasmas he has assured me that DD will be free to make her own choices and he will support her and love her, no matter what. Whether she is straight or gay, goes to uni or not, works as a lawyer or a housewife and regardless of who or even if she marries...he has sworn this to me.

He said so long as she does what she thinks is right and is happy, then he will be.

CrackFox He does very much encourage me to see family and friends, he offers to take DD frequently to give me time off and he encourages me to get out and make new friends.

dittany* My parents marriage was similar. My Dad was head of the house. My Mum submitted to his authority (pardon the expression).

Assuming he means chauvinism by the real definition, he views you and your DD as inferior to him as a result of your gender

WHY would you want to be around that?

I am (sort of ) a SAHM (part time study / carer compicates that) but we are equals within our marriage; we value each otehrs roles as theya re now and as they ahve been in the apst (both working, me at work and him home, indeed both home following a redundancy once when I was 38 weeks pg)

I would notnstay with soemone who saw me as inferior to him, let alone a child of mmine as inferior