Dh doesn't fancy me anymore and I am so angry with him it's making me grouchy and shouty - vicious cycle thing going on. Help.

[gleegeekgleek]

Dh doesn't find me that attractive anymore. We haven't had sex for about two years .

I am really angry with him for not fancying me. I am 36, in decent nick (have hair done, exercise although could lose a few pounds but not many, make up, etc so please no suggestions on that front as I already do that) The problem is I am not super skinny, toned and tanned. I am probably reasonably pretty and not overweight (a 10-12).

He has said this about the tanned and toned thing in a roundabout way and that 36 year olds can't compete with younger women and he admits his standards and expectations might have been messed up by media imagery. He thinks this is just the way of the world.

I am feeling really bitter about all this and disappointed, angry sometimes and resentful. It is making me grouchy with him and sometimes with ds.

I do like him generally. The above makes him sound misogynistic which he isn't - and he does loads with ds and his fair share at home.

He just doesn't seem to fancy me anymore. No OW I think. He has a low sex drive and always has had and it seems the hurdle for him is higher than I, a mere normal woman rather than model don't meet it anymore.

Help!

I imagine he is super hot?

He sounds like a total prick. Sorry, there is nothing else I can say about him. There really isn't any excuse to make you wife feel so shit about herself.

Sounds to me like he has problems with his sex drive and it's easier to lay the blame at your door!

Personally, I would not stay with DH if he didn't fancy me, we're man and wife, not brother and sister!

Hahaha exactly.
He is good looking but has a tiny bit of a belly so is no gymed up adonis.

I did tell him that 25 year olds would only be after his cash (and he is not a multi-millionaire or anything).

It does sound a bit worse the way I've written it than it is. Well maybe.

But seriously it does make me feel like sh*t and the more I get annoyed with him the worse our relationship is getting.

My first line was at Jamiki's comment.

I don't even want to sleep with him now as I feel I'm not really up to it in his eyes. I don't want to feel he's judging me for being pasty (said the other day) and too flabby.

So do normal dh's really fancy their thirtysomething/ fortysomething wives then? He reckons that this is really common....

I probably wouldn't mind if I were 66 or 76 but I'm not. I just hoped he'd fancy me for who I am even if I can't compete with a supermodel.

How long have you been together?

What led to him telling you he doesn't fancy you anymore?

Do you think he wants to separate/divorce, or does he think you'll stay together as 'pals'?

I agree with LisaD. It sounds as though this is his way of laying his problems at your door. Much easier to blame his wife for his sex drive than to consider that actually it might be something to do with him.

I would bet a small fortune (if I had one!) that even if you turned into a tanned and toned goddess he still wouldn't be interested in sex.

Doing the housework and spending time with his child doesn't give him the right to make his wife feel like crap.

Earlybird - definitely doesn't want to divorce - he would just be reasonably happy not having sex. It wouldn't be his ideal but he reckons after 15 years (the time we've been together) this happens to most people, especially if they weren't totally rampant to start with.

I don't like it the way it is. It is making me bitter and sad.

Seems he's being cruel if he has told you all the reasons he doesn't fancy you, and then continues with comments (you're pasty, etc).

Think I'd be ringing Relate or some other marital counselling organisation.

Oh dear it all seems pretty doomed, if he does not fancy you now what is it going to be like in another 10 years time? will he be leaving you for a younger model cause u have a few lines and your tummy is not like an ironing board anymore?

Seriously, i think you need to have a good chat and lay down some rules, if he does not fancy you i am sure there be plenty of men out there who will!!!

Ok, this is probably out of line... could he be gay...?

If not, then i would suggest he is not happy in general.

If you love someone you see past pasty skin and stretch marks...

He is pretty happy I think.
Oh this is such a mess.

This whole thing has been going on a while and I've broached the gay thing. He says he isn't. I think he just has a low libido and it takes a lot (perfection by the bloody sounds of it) to get him going.

In response to me saying he didn't fancy me he said the other day he reckons he could get aroused enough in the right circumstances to have sex with me. Oh great. After saying the other stuff it's a bit late now. I don't want him to shag me because he feels duty bound or he could just about muster up enough arousal to do it.

I guess I don't act at all sexy and am very matter of fact in life so maybe it is a bit my fault.

He has also made comments in the past about newness being key in sexual relationships.

To be fair the pasty comment was in the context of me having to be careful in the sun and he has only made the comments in context of a discussion about the issue- he doesn't generally put me down.

Not that he gives me any compliments really either. No physical affection between us at all anymore.

My dh says he's a prat and a git.

I am 2 stone heavier and 14 years older than when I met DH and we still have sex. we would like more but are knackered with thousands of kids. He, however, would never say a word about how I look as he loves me not my skin colour/tautness of belly/ etc etc.

Are you sure there isn't an OW?

I think I need to get us to counselling so he can hear how actually this isn't normal even if he thinks it is then.

Problem is I think he'll either argue the toss with the counsellor.

If I can't get us to counselling (he had an offputting experience when we went to see one once and she was cr*p so is cynical), then what do I do?

The more you post about him, the more horrible he sounds.

The problem isn't that you are not toned and tanned and super skinny. The problem is that you are married to an idiot.

I thik people run to counselling too much at times.

He doesn't want sex because you are not a slim toned babe. Well, hello neither is he so maybe you should think about whether you want to stay with such a prick.

''in response to me saying he didn't fancy me he said the other day he reckons he could get aroused enough in the right circumstances to have sex with me. ''

gleekgeekgleek. I am sorry, I don't do this really, But WTF kind of thing is that to say?

For all his 'good points' what a stupid, thoughtless, insensitive, inconsiderate soulless thing to say.

It sounds like you want to make the relationship work, and fair play to you. But he has got to work and work and work to undo the damage he has done. I am finding it so hard not to resort to calling him names, I am so on your behalf.

If he has a problem, I am sorry but he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask himself where he is coming from because IMO he is WELL out of credit.

Have you told him how hard it would be to resist a half decent bloke who did fancy you?

This is a huge elephant in your relationship and he is NOT normal.

He sounds really awful, sorry. Whether it's normal or not, it seems that you're unhappy not having sex for 2 years. He needs to listen to that.

There's something quite disturbing about someone using the excuse that someone isn't their idea of perfection as a reason not to have a physical relationship and that you aren't quite good enough. Sends shivers down my spine, actually.

A partner is supposed to make you feel better about yourself, rather than worse.

You deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved the way you are.

He really isn't intentionally being nasty (why am I defending him!??!) he just has a strange view of things sometimes - very analytical.
So he says these things without wanting to intentionally be hurtful.
It would be easier if he were spiteful as I just would not stand for it and would be out the door.

I'd love to know what his version of my post would be like if he were a Mnetter.
He probably thinks I have unrealistic expectations of a marriage after so many years and am turning him off me by being grumpy and angry with him.

OK so what do I say to him?

I am 39 and been married for 10 years. DH and I have sex more than ever and he tells me I am the sexiest woman in the world! (which Im not but it is nice of him to say!!)

OK, so sex is not on the agenda for you and he has made you feel like crap.

You dont want to split with him atm.

However, I would

NOT wash his clothes

NOT cook his dinner

NOT spend time with him on his own watching TV or whatever

Be a flatmate if you can bear it. Survive in the same house as him.

Personally I would have to leave him as I could not bear having been so humiliated by his comments.

what a knob!

Two words- I'll leave you to decide the first, but the second is 'off'.

Loving someone is about more than sex though. He should stroke you, touch you, make you orgasm because it is an act of love.

You however cannot make yourself younger and more model-like.

He does not know how to love someone - that's what counselling will help him with.

And on a sexual note - try some role play and get him to lay off the porn or the wanking. Then when he does get frissons of excitement he can channel them into your relationship.