Dh doesn't fancy me anymore and I am so angry with him it's making me grouchy and shouty - vicious cycle thing going on. Help.

[gleegeekgleek]

Dh doesn't find me that attractive anymore. We haven't had sex for about two years .

I am really angry with him for not fancying me. I am 36, in decent nick (have hair done, exercise although could lose a few pounds but not many, make up, etc so please no suggestions on that front as I already do that) The problem is I am not super skinny, toned and tanned. I am probably reasonably pretty and not overweight (a 10-12).

He has said this about the tanned and toned thing in a roundabout way and that 36 year olds can't compete with younger women and he admits his standards and expectations might have been messed up by media imagery. He thinks this is just the way of the world.

I am feeling really bitter about all this and disappointed, angry sometimes and resentful. It is making me grouchy with him and sometimes with ds.

I do like him generally. The above makes him sound misogynistic which he isn't - and he does loads with ds and his fair share at home.

He just doesn't seem to fancy me anymore. No OW I think. He has a low sex drive and always has had and it seems the hurdle for him is higher than I, a mere normal woman rather than model don't meet it anymore.

Help!

Don't leave yet

See if you can work it out of course. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly and it's important to not give up too easily. But if he won't listen and think about counseling with you. It is certainly a slippery slope downwards from here

OK another question...my dh would probably say that all the dh's who fancy their wives no matter what are the sort who'd shag anything and have high sex drives. Is that true?

Sorry if that's a stupid question.

Stop making excuses for how you feel.

Your H is a prick and is making you feel crap.

I used to feel rubbish when DH didn't always want sex with me. We went through hell and now we are okay but we talk all the time.

Sorry Gleek but your DH is spouting more crap than a broken soil pipe.

I really do think he thinks he is normal from that statement

He's not and somehow he needs to see that.

he is a knobjockey.

do you really want your ds growing up to think this is how an adult relationship should be - and that he would go on to treat his wife/partner in the same way?

Does he drink a lot or use any drugs?

And what everyone else has said.

the things your DH is saying is horrible.

So with normal 15 year married couples the man doesn't fancy the woman any more or want sex with her

And if he does want sex with her it's because the fact he is a total alley-cat shagger means that he's so desperate to get his rocks off he can overlook how repulsed he is by his wife

/

sorry but yurgh that's horrible and a really warped view of relationships

He really is not normal thinking that.

I think it's entirely possible that he can't get it up and is trying to blame you so that he doesn't have to address the problem.

He does sound like a complete twat by the way.

He is making it appear that there is something wrong with men who want sex with their wives.

Can you not see that?

He is talking a load of rubbish, sorry he is either gay, has deep rooted sexual fears, is impotent, or shagging someone else.

It has nothing to do with you not being model thin. He could be fucking a supermodel and would probably stop fancying her too. Sounds like he has some psychosexual problem that he's in denial about so laying the blame with you. What a shitbag. I have seen a good friend go through the shit of rejection by a P who had major sex issues (could only fancy strangers, basically) and it nearly crushed her. He never sought help - just moved on to another woman, who he undoubtedly did the same thing to.

Good luck getting him to acknowledge that though - men can be fuckwits proud when their sexual potency is questioned. Rest assured it isn't you though - really, really. People with normal sexual desires tend to fancy their partners even if they gain a few lbs or a few grey hairs.

Yes, because the comment about newness in a sexual relationship being important is telling. he would with his pot belly get tired of sophie dahl

Imsonot -definitely not on drugs or drinking heavily. He is very sensible and respectable, calm etc.

In fact he gets wound up by me as I occasionally raise my voice (oh the shame of it - call social services) with ds and he never does. It's bloody annoying to be honest.

That sounded completely contradictory when I said he gets wound up by me yet is super calm. What I mean is he doesn't like it if I raise my voice with ds.

Okay am going to have a big chat tonight me thinks once ds is in bed. Thank you to all of you who have reassured me that there are plenty of men out there who do fancy their wives even if they are not Kate moss and that dh is being a little unreasonable.

Keep your advice coming though in the mean time please as it is really helping.

darling that's so sad. Not normal at all. He thinks men who fancy their partners after a long time are oversexed and would take it anywhere they could get it? How fucking tragic. My DH loves to make me feel good, it's not about getting his end away (not always, anyway!) he'll spend ages making me feel good because he loves me, and loving someone sexually is part of a relationship. I don't mean you have to fancy them every minute of every day, but sex is a way to show love, and sexuality is an important part of people, an it doesn't go away or die with age. He's seriously messed up

I just asked DH if he still fancied me and he said "I think so". I still fancy him (he has a nice bum).

However, IMO relationships change, the lust that you have at the beginning of a relationship wears off and actually the person becomes more like a best friend than a full on red-hot lover. Maybe he doesn't appreciate that this is actually the way it is meant to be.

I could be wrong - maybe some people do still feel heaps of lust for their DH / partner.

Have just checked with DH and after 10 years (3 dds, piling on weight, getting old) he still fancies me!

Ali, NO, NO, NO!!! Your 2nd parargraph makes me sad and mad.

The lust doesn't have to wear off at all - it only dies if you let it.
Relationship dymanics change over the course of a long marriage of course, child rearing takes precedence etc. but good sex should be the glue that bonds you together.

Sex should get better the longer you are together, it's not necessarily about ripping each others clothes off, it's about the depth of passion and love between you.

My parents have been married for over 40 years and my mum recently confessed to me blushing (probably to help me feel better about my H having issues and leaving me and that he wasn't normal) that often at bedtime mum may ask for a cuddle and dad will say "just a cuddle?" with a smile and wink.

Over 40 years marriage and my dad still tells her, she is as beautiful as the day he married her.

Your H is horrid.

Mal is right about the sex getting better the longer you're with someone...

I used to live with someone like your DH. He ended up completely eroding my self esteem and made me believe that I was fat and unnattractive. I was a size 12. I then met someone who thought I was fabulous and it was "so long sucker" to the chap I was living with. If your DH continues to treat you like this you will be ripe for an emotional affair if not the real thing. I'm not saying you'd actually do that, by the way, but it certainly starts to set the scene. Perhaps he needs to consider that too?

We had a number of years without sex for a number of reasons, mainly health issues. Then it occurred to us that we had 'got out of the habit'. So, we decided to make a new habit, one which very definitely includes lots of sex. We have been together for nearly 35 years and married for almost 30 of those. I am significantly heavier than when we met but DH still fancies me as do I him. Really, it does sound as though he is trying to make you feel bad about his shortcomings. I can believe it is possible not to have sex for a long time (been there, done/not done that), when there are good reasons. But I can't understand it in the circumstances you describe. I don't know what his real reason is, but I do know that whilst I could accept little/no sex for some reasons, I could not accept it if it was because he didn't fancy me anymore, especially if he tried to make it my fault. So, if it were me, I would be having a very serious chat about this, because IMO, if he withdraws sex from the menu, he has to be prepared for you to get it elsewhere, and take the chance that you could meet someone and form a real relationship, not just sex. Whatever, I could not go on living with a man who made me feel this bad about myself. It is not good for your DC either, to see their parents in a relationship where there is no affection.
for you.

Teaandcake

That's lovely.Nearly made me cry, must be getting soft in my old age.

OP - That is heartbreaking. Dont you want to feel loved? I couldn't be with a man that said that to me for you.

I would never usually advocate that someone should have an affair but in your position I would be tempted to hold things together as amicably as possible for the sake of your DS but to also be on the look out for someone else who will make you feel good about yourself. In my view your DH has broken the terms of your marriage contract. Would be really be surprised if you were swept off your feet by someone who fancies you, after the things he's said? He has big issues of his own about women and if he's not prepared to seriously address them it's going to be pretty horrible for you to know there's nothing you can do to get him interested in you. I really feel for you.

Tea - your parents sound lovely together.

DH has never told me I'm beautiful.
My friends say more nice things to me than he ever does. But maybe lots of men are like that.

It's the way he is and the way he has always been with that so I did make my bed in that way when I married him (although I was young and didn't think it mattered - interestingly my granny warned me about this at the time we got together as she noticed he was unaffectionate with me!)

But the lack of sex thing I didn't by into.

I'm 20 years and stone heavier than when I met my dh.

I can't fight him off ......

Not that I would want to.

Love is about so much more than a tight tummy or wobbly thighs.

Have you ever listened to the Beautiful South song "Prettiest Eyes"? All about growing old together, with the amazing lines

"Take a loo at those crow's feet
Sitting on the prettiest eyes,
Sixty 25th of Decembers,
59 Fourth of Julys ...."

Here

Prepare to shed a wee tear!