Dh doesn't fancy me anymore and I am so angry with him it's making me grouchy and shouty - vicious cycle thing going on. Help.

[gleegeekgleek]

Dh doesn't find me that attractive anymore. We haven't had sex for about two years .

I am really angry with him for not fancying me. I am 36, in decent nick (have hair done, exercise although could lose a few pounds but not many, make up, etc so please no suggestions on that front as I already do that) The problem is I am not super skinny, toned and tanned. I am probably reasonably pretty and not overweight (a 10-12).

He has said this about the tanned and toned thing in a roundabout way and that 36 year olds can't compete with younger women and he admits his standards and expectations might have been messed up by media imagery. He thinks this is just the way of the world.

I am feeling really bitter about all this and disappointed, angry sometimes and resentful. It is making me grouchy with him and sometimes with ds.

I do like him generally. The above makes him sound misogynistic which he isn't - and he does loads with ds and his fair share at home.

He just doesn't seem to fancy me anymore. No OW I think. He has a low sex drive and always has had and it seems the hurdle for him is higher than I, a mere normal woman rather than model don't meet it anymore.

Help!

Funny isn't it. My Dad asked me on my wedding day if I was sure and I could call it off if I wanted. Thought nothing of it at the time.

Of course when my H had an affair and it all went wrong, mum reminded me and said, you know your dad never ever asked any of your 4 brothers that question on their wedding day...

You don't have to lie in your bed though. Your Granny was obviously very astute. Nobody would blame you for calling time on a relationship which makes you feel so bad. If you think being single would make you feel worse, you are so wrong. I'm single and nobody ever gets the chance to make me feel that bad!

I thought I had to lie in the bed I'd made for a long time though.

Your granny was very wise. But don't feel that all is doomed- most men are not like this: his attitude is seriously screwed up and atypical.

Er, even most 20 years olds are not toned, tanned and super skinny.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't fancy me.

He's a tw*t how dare he make you feel so bad.

The relief of getting out of a sexless relationship was intense for me. no more rejection. I wasn't being shagged because there was nobody to shag me.

My new (well, not so new now) boyfriend seems to quite like shagging me. I can't be that utterly repulsive - and I have 2 or 3 dress sizes on you.

It was the ex's problem, not mine.

teaandcake - maybe your parents should have said something before your wedding day if they felt like that.

I think Fab they were worried if they said too much to me I'd either elope and marry and never speak to them again or something else...

To be honest I'm not sure I'd have listened, I was completely in love with him, would've done anything for him. Think my parents knew that

Ahhhh well, we live and learn

Good luck OP on chat with H, come back and update us all tomorrow or later x

what a cold fish your H sounds

his thought processes are seriously fucked-up, IMO

my DH is highly sexed...with me and for me (I am not too far behind him on that score...)

we have been married for 17 years

sex in our 40's is better than when we were in our 20's

he shows me and tells me how much he fancies me...so I feel secure

your H should be doing that for you...not taking your appearance apart like some critic of the perfect female form

even Gok Fucking Wan makes women feel good about themeselves

have your "chat" by all means...but please do make sure you make him understand if he doesn't buck his ideas up, you will be on the ookout for someone who will make you feel like the sexy woman you undoubtedly are !

lookout

ditto colditz - my exh sounds just like yours I am afraid.

This sort of thing completely erodes your self esteem. Which I had to put alot of work into building up again after we split.

Since we split I have had fantastic sex with men (not too many just one or two ) who have actively complimented me on my rather well padded body (have a couple of dress sizes on you) and I know they have found me desirable (given they kept coming back).

I wasted a large part of my 30s with this shit (was with him for 15 loong years) and I regret that and feel very angry towards him for that.

He also didn't like pg women and said that the dcs put him off having sex.

The thing was that the witholding of sex and affection ate into all areas of our relationship.

Out of interest sincitylover, not that it is relevant to op's dilemma, has your x found lasting happiness with a carly zucker type?

I think I might be able to offer a little bit of insight into what's going on with your DH here, as I'm being as much, if not more of a nob at the minute myself. I've actually said something along the same lines as his claim about being influenced by media imagery, but that's honestly a bit of a cop-out. It's his problem, not yours, so don't hold yourself even a little bit responsible. There's a chance he doesn't actually realise how he's making you feel, as it took me a while. I doubt it's anything like Aspergers, he's probably just a bit of a thickie when it comes to emotional stuff. I've put my DW through hell and I may have left it too late to repair, but if he wants to stay with you then he needs to sort himself out. I had a similar experience in counselling that he did, with the crap one that put him off. The first one I saw pretty much told me to either get a divorce or move into some crazy commune, in our first and only session. The next one I saw was brilliant, so he shouldn't give up on it just yet.
If he genuinely loves you, then there's no reason he shouldn't fancy you too.

Crapdad thanks for your reply - really good to get a male perspective. About to have a chat with dh....

Good luck x

yeah... good luck gleek you sound lovely.. xx

What I read into your posts is that you have been normalising what is actually, extreme cruelty.

Good, kind men don't say things like this and long marriages (nearly 26 years for me) don't all end up like this at all.

Lovely men tell you you're beautiful all the time, even when you're looking and feeling your worst.

But what it comes down to is this. It may be his (warped) view of life, but it doesn't have to be yours. I think you're going to be one of those women who will (hopefully) leave this prick and spend a little time feeling very angry at the wasted years with someone who corrupted your view about what is "normal" and "acceptable". But then, I think you'll meet lots of other people who are so unlike him, that you'll bless the day you ever posted on Mumsnet.

Cruel men are never worth staying with.

my dp makes me feel beautiful even when i look RANK
most times we go out no matter where he tells me not to worry as I know I am the most gorgeous woman there ( !!)

Today I wore a slendertone belt bra and pants round the garden all day and he told me I was 'teasing him'

DP is not over sexed - just normal and we have a lovely life. I feel lucky but NOT unusual amongst my friends

DP and I are 42 with 6 kids.....

Your husband has problems or some sort of egocentric personality disorder imo. Does he have an 'answer' for every relationship scenario - that all justify his own warped stance.

That comment re 'probably getting aroused enough' is truly truly awful and enough to make me run out and shag the first bloke who offered tbh

Something needs to give...I have no idea what but you cannot waste your life with a bloke who shatters any self respect you have on a seemingly daily basis

Please heed the advice on here

We have been together 21 years btw

Of course normal couples still fancy one another after this timescale...of course

Whenwillifeelnormal - can you come over here please?

GGG your H sounds like my ex-h .
He would make comments about my appearence , told me i was fat at 8 and a half stone , would tell me to wear loads of make-up ect -said i wasnt pretty without it.Hated it when i was pregnant...said i was ugly.Didnt like sex much either.
Turns out he is gay. Closeted little shit married me to hide it from his homo-phobic family. ...Fast forward 10 years , im now with a handsome , sexy as hell ,big and strong hunk of a man....who cant keep his hands of me . .And being told your beautiful by such a stud-muffin does wonders for the old self confidence .

Have you considered and discussed with him the possibility of you having a sexual relationship with someone else while still staying married to him?

drloves...yay, girl !

glee, just to say I'm in a sort of similar position and started a similar thread. I'm the last person to be dishing out advice as I am feeling my way through my own situation at the moment but I empathise, it feels crap to be in this situation. Wishing you well x

Hope your chat with dh is going ok.

It isn't normal to say such awful things to your partner. My DH tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me every single day. I'm really not beautiful, and I'm definately not tanned or slender but he says I look great because he wants me to feel good about myself.

The things he has said to you are cruel and a bit manipulative. Does he say that he loves you? Because he isn't acting in a very loving way.

How miserable for you. I hope you can manage not to take this too personally and rise above it, because I don't think it's about you.

He's not normal and I agree with Eric, this isn't about whether you're attractive "enough", it's about him having some kind of emotional problem which he is denying and projecting onto you. Even if he got himself a tanned & toned 19-year-old, she would also get older, her body would change etc. - that's what happens when you are in a relationship.

And btw most men that I have heard from on this topic do not say they want tanned/toned/skinny, or even super-youthful women anyway. They mostly like women a bit more filled out than in media images and don't care about things like tans and six-packs - most men barely notice them. My DP (along with most men I've been with) goes mad for my generously-proportioned bum which is not toned, tanned, skinny etc etc at all. Plus we fancy each other for other reasons like personality.

Your DH needs to start understanding where all this is coming from if you're going to repair things. Don't take no for an answer re counselling.