Dh doesn't fancy me anymore and I am so angry with him it's making me grouchy and shouty - vicious cycle thing going on. Help.

[gleegeekgleek]

Dh doesn't find me that attractive anymore. We haven't had sex for about two years .

I am really angry with him for not fancying me. I am 36, in decent nick (have hair done, exercise although could lose a few pounds but not many, make up, etc so please no suggestions on that front as I already do that) The problem is I am not super skinny, toned and tanned. I am probably reasonably pretty and not overweight (a 10-12).

He has said this about the tanned and toned thing in a roundabout way and that 36 year olds can't compete with younger women and he admits his standards and expectations might have been messed up by media imagery. He thinks this is just the way of the world.

I am feeling really bitter about all this and disappointed, angry sometimes and resentful. It is making me grouchy with him and sometimes with ds.

I do like him generally. The above makes him sound misogynistic which he isn't - and he does loads with ds and his fair share at home.

He just doesn't seem to fancy me anymore. No OW I think. He has a low sex drive and always has had and it seems the hurdle for him is higher than I, a mere normal woman rather than model don't meet it anymore.

Help!

Tell him to fuck off, then find a decent man who loves you for who you are and will sex wit you.

He's a dick-head with a screwed up vision of perfection, whatever the hell that is.

I was 17, skinny and toned , as was DH,when we started, we are now 44, no longer skinny or toned and guess what, he still fanices me rotten, 28 years later, I've got a gazzilion stretch marks and saggy boobs and it doesn't put him off one little bit.

Get yourself a real man, not a pathetic excuse for one.

My only other thought/possible reason is does he have some sort condition such as aspergers - he's very analytical but doesn't get that you need emotional support and in marriage that usually comes through having sex as well as what you say/do?

DH told me right after I got pg with DS2 that he didn't fancy me anymore but that I was "sort of ok" when I made the effort and put makeup and sexy underwear on. DH no longer lives with us.

Get yourself a toyboy

How are you doing turtle?

Very glad now that you've gone your seperate ways?

Hope you are well x

(sorry for hi-jack)

Wow.. I am really sorry but my advice to you is to tell him to take his porn-jaded todger out of your house, wish him the best of luck finding pornoperfection in a girlfriend.

Meanwhile, rebuild a new life. In time you may or may not find somebody new, but it will be somebody who finds you attractive, a real woman, and not some porno star. 36 is sstill young! you sound attractive and well-groomed and he's making you feel like Waynetta Slob.

and I bet he's no brad pitt himself.

There can be a difference between sex and making love. Sounds like he only wants the former and doesn't understand about the latter.

Very personal, but perhaps relevant - has he had problems with 'performance' in the past? If so, perhaps he is blaming you rather than trying to understand the emotional and physical reasons why that might happen.

Plus,,,,,,, in two years he hasn't wanted to 'make love'. Normally I hate that cheesy expression but my God, sex is just about getting his rocks off with some Jordan type??

Yes normal DH's do fancy their wives, at whatever age. My Dad still fancies my Mum and she is 62, my Grandpa still fancied my Grandma when she was 74! Then he died, otherwise he would still fancy her I expect.

To be fair, Jordan would be his worst nightmare and he isn't into porn at all. It's too obvious apparently.

Ali you've made me smile with that post.

gleegeek have you suggested that if he's not up for sex with you then you should assume he'll be happy for you to get it elsewhere?

What planet is he on where a size 10/12 is not slim? Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

He sounds cold and controlling to me. DH and I have been together for 30 years - we are both a little bit heavier than we were, (well - 2 stone actually) but we love each other, and yes, he does still fancy me!!! (this amazes me, but I am not complaining).

I would be so hurt and humiliated in your situation - I don't think I could stay in a relationship like that.

yes! I'm 10/12 and only five foot one and I would hardly consider myself so 'big' that I could no longer be attractive to somebody who claimed to love me. And I am years older than you and you're probably taller than me too.

NOT that that's the point!

You'd feel a lot better about yourself if you were single.

not surprised you're grouchy and shouty

and what everyone else said

He's really lucky to be immortal and not going to go through the aging process himself, isn't he?

And I thought only insecure teens believed the images in magazines?

Think he needs to join the real world...

And grow a (real, not airbrushed) pair...

Your DH makes me
From the sounds of it you sound very attractive. How dare he use silly reasons at the expense of your self-esteem?

I have a bit of a belly, so much stretchmarks and loose skin even doctors have commented on when they examine me, boobs not so perky anymore, acne, bad hair days, cellulite, pasty can't-be-arsed-to-make-an-effort days, and DP is all over me like a rash.lol. Would never DREAM of saying anything to make me feel bad about myself, if he fancies other women, I don't know about it because he wouldn't tell me about it/compare me. If I talk about going on a diet he says something like "Do what you want but I think you are perfect whatever size you are"

I don't have much advice really except from maybe that he's unhappy in himself/OW.

Just wanted to let you know he's NOT normal. Most men are in heaven when any kind of (reasonably ok, not ogre-type) woman gets naked and indicates a desire to have sex with him, the ones who aren't are, in my experience, just pigs.

glee

Do you want sex with him? If he wasn't been so cruel, that is?

In my opinion, you should be angry at him.

Don't let him ruin your confidence anymore.

he's an asshole IMO

I'm 40 weeks pregnant and stetch marked to hell from previous pregnancies and weigh about 4 stone more than when we met (only 2 stone of which can be blamed on this pregnancy). If I went down to DH who is lighting up the BBQ right now and said I wanted sex his feet wouldn't touch the ground. He still thinks I'm gorgeous and sexy. I would rather stick pins in my eyes at the moment TBH but I know he'll be desperate to get back in the saddle (as it were) after this baby arrives. Sex is an act of love, absolutely and you deserve so much more than this crap.

he doesn't sound like a man who's expectations have been messed up by media imagery, he sounds like a self-entitled prick who is trying to smooth the way to you allowing him to keep a 'toned and tanned' 19 year old mistress.

My H stopped feeling like it and wanting it from me. Turned out he a) had a porn addiction and b) then had an affair. Surprised me at the time, as I couldn't understand how the affair happened as he never felt like it with me. We're not together anymore

You need to work this out. Some good advice on here. I do think he does need some good marriage counseling with you.

And FWIW from your original post, you sound like one hot momma! Size 10-12! Still keep fit, honey you're a babe!

And he quite frankly sounds like an a** hole.

Sorry

Fab - yes I did want sex with him. Until the point of me chasing him just became humiliating as I was turned down.

I definitely would see beyond his hairy bum and slight tummy and skinny legs but obviously and sadly it doesn't work both ways.

Now with all this advice to leave etc., the small problem is ds. I feel guilty even contemplating it as it might not be good for him. Not that having a grouchy bitter mum is great at the moment.

I am going to try and have another discussion with him about it all tonight as maybe I am exaggerating what he's said in my mind or something?? Although I don't feel I have. Maybe I have stripped the comments of their context though?

Your DH is a nob, and if he thinks what he feels is normal in a marriage he is wrong.

DH and I aare both 38 and have been together 17 yrs and I know he still fancies me and would have sex every day if I would too!

Your DH sounds like a nob, and YOU are selling yourself short, you deserve far better.