Did you leave your husband for another man and if so did you regret it or was it the right decision.

[howsad]

I was getting along fine in my marriage of ten years, or so I thought. Then bank out of the blue I met someone who turned my world upside down. I fell head over heels in love (or so I think, could it be lust) and he loves me, which I do believe.

One minute I can see myself being with om living happily and believing that love will conquer all but then other times I think how can I do this to my dh. Leave him and split our family. We have young children how will this affect them. Am I so so selfish that I am even considering splitting my family. If I stay with my husband will the feelings for om die eventually. At the minute I cant have sex or touch my husband its so unfair me hurting him like this.

I never thought this would happen to me but I belive I love the om and he loves me.

I am waiting for an appt with relate and hope to see things clearer then but would like to hear of anyone who has been in this situation.

I am in absolute turmoil over this.

Hi Howsas,

I'm sorry you're going through this, I can relate in some ways. There's a reason you allowed yourself to get emotionally attached to om, something wasn't right in your marriage, you just hadn't pinpointed yet what it was.

Based on your description of your dh's recent abusive behavior, I'd bet a lot of $$$ that he was already emotionally/psychologically abusive. You may not have recognized it as such, but it would fit the standard pattern. You need to get you and your children out of that house before there's a further escalation of violence. That's priority #1. I am in that exact process right now, I'm not waiting for another escalation with my dh. I have an apt lined up for July 1 and my son and I are moving into it. The movers will be moving stuff out of the family home while dh is being served his divorce papers.

I have an om, but my husband and I have been separated living under the same roof for the past year and a half. He doesn't accept that it's over, despite having been told in words and by very obvious actions on my part. I met om after the separation but if dh found out, he'd totally view it as an "affair" despite his and my romantic/sexual relationship having been over for a very long time. I'd wind up in the ER or morg if he found out, he has an ungodly temper and gets off on physically intimidating people to get his way.

I'm not leaving my dh for my om, I emotionally left my dh in 1996 after he beat the crap out of our son because "I wasn't paying enough attention to dh". Nice, what a jerk. Om is everything my dh is not: emotionally in touch, highly intelligent, sensitive, sees the real world around him not the one he chooses to see, and he is genuinely kind and gentle (unlike dh who pretends to be kind in public but is a tyrant and bully at home). I have zero guilt about om, none, nada, zip!

Sorry this is so long, but your post struck a chord with me and I felt the need to respond. Contact your local women's shelter, they can help to advise you, even if you don't need to shelter with them. I got a huge amount of help from the group in my town, the women were extremely supportive, patient, and informative.

Best of luck and please seek some support.

I got with OH 10 years ago and its been on and off for me, never been quite right to get married but we stuck together and have 2 great kids who are the light of my life. I worked PT and 2 years ago met someone there who blew me away literally, someone I really connected with and felt comfortabe with so quickly. It was a real out of the blue friendship I never realised would happen. OH found out about it, and it all blew up in our faces. I realised how much I had hurt OH and felt so guilty for him and our kids I made a decision to stay in our relationship. We had a few sessions wih Relate both together and on our own (which I recommend, you'll have stuff to get off your chest on your own). OVer the past 2 years its been tough for u - me as I carry so much guilt, him for him to forgive me. I just couldnt now imagne spending my life without him.

In order for me to stay with OH I had to give up my job and was never to contact him again. This has meant a huge career change for me to the detriment which I regret.

I do still think about OM and he will always have a place in my heart but it was such the wrong time for us to meet. If it were to work, I'd need to leave OH and be on my own and then figure out a new relationship and how this woul affect me and kids.

I've namechanged here btw

My experience was that my relationship with my Ex was already over when I met OM. Ex and I were still living under the same roof, and with hindsight it's clear he believed we were still together - however I had told him some months before that it was finished between us.

the relationship with OM (who was married) didnt work out, but i'm still glad I left. If he hadn't come along, Ex and I would probably still be living under the same roof in some weird non-relationship. As it is, I'm on my own and much happier. I spent a long time not wanting to be with my Ex, but needing something to give me the kick up the backside I needed. My Ex is a violent man, not towards me for a long time (after I told him I would see him in prison if it ever happened again) but has threatened/been violent to OM and another man he thought I was seeing.

OP, from your original post I was going to suggest that maybe your marriage wasnt beyond hope - given you didnt say you were actively unhappy with your DH before all this. However, the fact that he has reacted violently concerns me. Of course he is in complete turmoil, but does that excuse violence? As a complete one off maybe, depending on the circumstances. But not to the extent of smashing up several computers imo. Do you think you can ever save the relationship with your DH now? Would you want to given the violence? Would you be concerned about him being violent again in future - living in fear of violent outbursts is not good, I've been there.

and being alone is not the worst thing. Far from it. Being in the wrong relationship is much worse.

I understand that his violence is totally unacceptable and there has been outbursts of this in the past but seemed to be under control over the last few years. The guilt I feel for hurting him and my children is terrible.

H is a good father and provider but was never very loving. I have not felt connected to him for a long time. I actually believed that if he were to find out about OM it would not have affected him that much - how wrong was I.

Smashing computers etc. is bad enough, but, Howsad, you also said, '[He's been] Shouting in my face, he's kicked me and twisted my arms and grabbed my face roughly'.

If a friend of yours told you that her partner/husband was behaving like this, would you think that acceptable?

Please think about this.

Then please discuss this behaviour with either a RL friend, or Women's Aid.

Please have a long, hard think about removing yourself and your DC from the vicinity of your violent husband.

As I said before, the OM is a separate issue. Think about him only after having made yourself and DC safe.

You have been honnest and open on here and very brave. When do you start the counselling? do you think it is wise to make a decision before you have counselling or after? Do you have any time scales in mind, ie end of summer term, end of summer holidays etc, to have made a decision regarding the marriage?

I think what has been said has been very good advice so far. The two most important bits for me were that you were both abusing each other emotionally, you with the lies and gaslighting and your oh with the behaviour you have outlined, do you think this is a good environment for your children? Do you think you may feel less guilty if you just left your oh and were single and concentrated on helping your children for a year or two, as that is the estimate on how long it takes to recover from family breakdown, and concentrate on them and yourself for that period and after that time, then start to look at new relationships? they really are two a penny when you are single, you can find love at any age, there would be less guilt there for you if you did things in a way that was helpfull for your children.

the more that you say, the more i recommend you spend time on your own....it isn't as awful as you think and, by the sounds of things, a hell of a lot better for you and dcs at the moment.

if om is worth his salt - he will wait

Your husband is wrong - the point you made about it being "your fault" - this is totally the wrong way round. Yes it is wrong to have an affair and he is right to be angry and hurt by this, but it's NOT right for him to be violent towards you because of it. Whatever you have done you don't deserve that.

I also think you could do with some space from the OM, or at least to take a step back. If he is a decent man he will understand and take a step back and wait. If he doesn't want to do this, then move on - he is not the only man who will ever make you feel this way. Have some respect for yourself and wait for someone better.

Update after the weekend. I told my dh on Saturday that I really cared for OM and was not happy in marriage and wanted to move out. He hit me and was very angry. He calmed down and I told him more as I do believe as much as the truth hurts a lie is worse.

He goes from being angry and very abusive to using the children as a tool to emotionally blackmail me.

I really want to find another home but am very worried as to how H will cope with the split.

Actually, you need to stop worrying about how your husband will cope and stop worrying about your own emotional needs and start putting your physical safety and your children's needs first.

Getting away from violence should be your only priority at the moment. Quite apart from the safety concerns to yourself, letting your DCs grow up in a home where there is violence is indefensible.

There are too many instances of men taking the law into their own hands when they feel jealousy over their partner's other male friends. Irrespective of the nature of the relationship between you and the other man, what your partner is doing is illegal.

It is not an appropriate response however angry/hurt/betrayed he feels. He has a number of perfectly legitimate options but none of them should involve physical violence. These things tend to escalate. There are some very sad stories of (usually) men acting violently towards their partners and children (sometimes with horrific consequences) and "justifying" their behaviour because she had some kind of emotional/physical relationship with a third party.

However hurtful, your behaviour is not against the law. We are not living in a barbarian country when the punishment for adultery (only for women of course, men get off scott free) is death by stoning.

There is this scary attitude "if she won't have me then I will make sure she can't have anyone else". I would get help in this situation to ensure your and your children's safety

He now says he wont pay the mortgage if I go and will let the house get repossessed, he wont leave and let me have the house.

oh howsad, that's awful!

i have no experience of DV but am sure someone will be along soon with further good advice.

is there really no way to get him to leave? did you contact the police after he hit you? of course you know this can't go on - never mind his feelings, you need to protect yourself and dc. ring the police each time you are in fear of your/dcs safety.

you are not responsible for your h feelings/actions - he is a adult.

start taking steps to leave - copy documents, sort out bank account etc.

seriously, get yourself down to your local police station, get him arrested and bailed away from your address then get a non molestation order, you can even get an occupation order to keep him out of the house.
There you go, you have your breathing space to sort out a longer term solution to where you will live.

I left my ex in the house, I work and get tax credits and some housing benefit for the place I rent. He can buy me out or whatever later, i don't care, I'm away from him.

Don't worry about his reaction, you'll be safe with your police/court protection
and if he can't handle it there's nothing he can do to you about it. It's his own fault
for using violence.

My ex is on tablets and getting anger management counselling now, shame he didn't get it when I asked him to.

And I'll say again about leaving an abusive relationship, the fear of leaving is much worse than the actually doing it. Once you're out everything falls into place.

Most of people in RL who know about whats going on are saying it's understandable that he has reacted like this as he has been hurt so much. That its a natural reaction for some men to do this.

He has always been a great father before this happened. I have pulled the rug from under him.

Right, I have been thinking about this all night and my response is probably going to get me flamed / ostracised on mumsnet or whatever, but I can't wander on past without saying something.

Why the bloomin hell are so many people on this thread going on about Women's Aid etc? I'm sorry, but the treatment of the OP's H on this thread appals me! The OP has admitted she has been emotionally abusing her H for ages, creeping about with another man behind his back and gaslighting him over the affair when he knows damn well something is up but just can't find enough evidence to accuse her outright.

She says herself they were generally okay before the OM turned up but then everything fell to bits BECAUSE OF HER OTHER RELATIONSHIP. So suddenly his wife is cold and distant and hiding things after years of what must have been a loving marriage or it wouldn't really have gone on so long (and please remember that just like a man in this situation, the OP is probably rewriting history to suit her case - why didn't she leave earlier if things were so dead?) and he is expected to do what, exactly? Sit and take it? Quite how should he manifest his pain in a manner acceptable to everyone here? She admits he has tried to talk to her but she denies everything like a coward while she picks and chooses between them. And should he just say 'your mum and I aren't getting on at the moment' to the kids, when it is probably obvious the atmosphere in the house is hell?

I'm sorry, but I fail to see why this post is much different to the reaction of a woman who has been sent half-mad by her H having an affair under her nose and denying it / hiding the evidence over a long period, rather than having the decency to make a decision and end the agony? Yes, the violence is wrong, as is involving the children, but why does this much differ from the woman who drinks too much and shouts her suspicions at her H and thumps his chest, or slumps on the sofa crying the minute the school run is over - everyone has a breaking point during psychological torture and I suspect this is his, unfortunately.

Sorry OP, but I am not going to be gentle. You are using his REACTION to your bad behaviour to justify giving yourself permission to break up your family. And we have no right to judge him (much) when we have no idea how long she has been doing this to him and only have her selective POV. He is faced with probably losing his kids as well as his wife through no fault of his own, poor sod. I am sure he is in agony. There are many women experiencing dv because they are coupled with a genuine nasty bastard. In this case. I suspect it is more to do with the laws of physics - 'for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction'.

PS Just to add, in case you didn't get it - OP you have to make a decision NOW. You are being unfair to everyone. I suggest you take a week away and speed read Shirley Glass to see if any of that rings true, as well as examining your feelings for both men (and I mean your true feelings - what would you have done about your H and marriage if the OM had never turned up, for instance? Were you unhappy before or just after the OM arrived - be honest. HAs the OM ever shown any traits that aren't so good - you'll excuse them now but when the bloom of the first 6 months wears off these may annoy you beyond belief, how are your kids going to fit into your relationship with him - does he even like children? Many serious things to ponder.)

is it possible that you are just going through a rut?coz then that changes things coz you haven't said anything about not loving your DH.You've been together a while so it's normal to lack that excitement and i think this OM has given you what you are craving,is it not possible to try and recapture that with DH?. Thing is though,i think you have to make order in your house first for you to really move on.It's all too easy to think that the grass is greener when in fact it really isin't and also you have your DC to think about so it's not just about you anymore,this is not high school(you are not foot loose and fancy free),just don't forget there are consequences for everything.

howsad I find it hard to believe that most people in RL are saying that violence is acceptable. Anger, yes.

Your H must be going through, as Abedelia says, torture. He has every right to feel angry about being lied to and deceived, quite separately from being betrayed. He doesn't however have the right to inflict violence, however violently angry he might feel.

So either you are neglecting to tell these RL people about the violence you have depicted here, or it isn't happening in the way you say it is.

Who are these RL people? Presumably people who know your children well and have their best interests at heart? For the life of me I cannot imagine circumstances where I would passively stand by and watch my nieces, nephews or grand-children witness the horrible scenes that are being played out in your house by adults who are meant to be caring for them. I certainly wouldn't be urging the couple causing the mayhem to stay together and continue in this abuse of the children and eachother.

It has been happening, the violence, he has taken this very badly and its how he shows his anger. RL people most (not all) are saying that he would not have reacted if I had not deceived them which is true. Although he has been violent in the past mostly when alcohol has been involved. He has settled down a lot in recent years and there has been much less violence.

I have called the police recently and that calmed him down immediately.

I know I have behaved appallingly first by starting this relationship with the OM and then lying to H about it.

I honestly feel terrible about this. The om and I tried to end it but we honestly believe that this is the real thing and that we love each other. He believes in time we will prove to the outside world that we were meant to be and that its going to be a very tough couple of years ahead of us, but he swears he will stand by me 100%.

Yes, I did.

I was married to DH1 and we had a very unhappy marriage. He had OCD and living together was very hard as a consequence. He was made redundant after a few weeks of marriage which he founfd very hard to come to terms with, esp as I had a great job that I loved. He hated that I was not at home with him, used to ring me 6 times a day when I was super busy at work, wanted me to spend every minute with him. Money was a huge issue and we argued about every penny we spent. I was miserable and lonely and often drove round local towns after work, avoiding going home. Once home, we would row and I would end up walking out and again, driving round aimlessly. I would cry alot, over the slightest thing because I felt so powerless and hopeless about the future. He did not want babies. I did.

One day, a man I had known professionally and who I knew was keen on me appeared in my life (sent me a text message about a football match, bizarrely). We got back in touch and ......well, we had an affair. It was the most exhilarating and exciting and wonderful and amazing experience. i have never felt anyhting like it. There was the element of "an affair" but there was more than that....I discovered we were soul mates.

And we are.

The chap is now DH2 and we have two gorgeous DC and we are very, very happy together. We have a brilliant marriage and a wonderful family life. Ok, we have the normal problems (DH does much less with the DC than I would like, he works long hours....the usual)

But overall, it has been the most important thing in the world, meeting my DH and starting a family with him.

I had loads of negative feedback as I was leaving DH1 from family, not so much friends. It was very upsetting and overwhelming and there were moments when I wavered about whether I was doing the right thing, but I always knew it was worth the risk.

PS My exDH is now a friend, we divorced amicably although he never knew and still does not know that I met my current DH during our marriage.

WhenwillI - that's why I posted what I did. I suspect we are dealing with someone using what is actually a - well, perhaps not normal, but then again we don't know the depth of the provocation - response to the EA she is inflicting as reason to get validation to leave. Perhaps people in RL aren't telling her what she wants to hear so she hopes we will?

X post... OP, so he will stand by you. But where are your children in all this? Have you discussed this and other boring practicalities? I don't excuse the violence as I said, but I don't want you to make a decision based on the heady feeling of new romance. They don't say love is blind without good reason

He totally accepts I have children and wants to be introduced to them in time in an appropriate way. He sees his life with me as taking second priority to the children.

I came across to this, perhaps I was looking for related issue that I have now too.

My story was I married my husband twice.First, he cheated on me when my son was only three weeks old right after he got back in Iraq.monthss later i could tell we were going down hill.he then told me that he doesnt know what he want anymore.He dumped me for another woman then the woman dumped him. When he realized I was moving on dating another guy, he suddenly came in the picture and try to win me back. He manipulated me which was I didn't know then till now from using our son. Yes I went back to him because of my son. 2nd marriage around d I caught him flirting on fb/online and they're not woman who live across the state/country in fact they're senior high school going to his office. He was an army recruiter that time. I run away for a day but then went back with him again. I told him that what he's been doing was dragging me back in our past which I was trying to move forward.

I tried to focus on myself, get my education and got a job but it seems like our issue still hunt me every time I see him flirts. I couldn't leave him either because he was a good provider and a good father but not a good husband. Yet I compare him with my dad who was worst. I almost suck the situation on where I just have to accepted his behavior for the sake of my son. Tho i started building resentment towards my husband from everything, I tried to fit on his needs and bent backwards for him cause I know he's leaving us again for deployment. Until LATER ON I MEET THE OM IN THE CLUB. When I can sense that he like me I told him right away about my status and when we get to know each other through text. I tried so hard to stay friends, just plane friends in the fact that I don't want to brake my family. But I can't deny I started to have feelings for this guy just by texting so I went and meet up to watch movie with him and I feel very uncomfortable. Nothing happen nor touching my hands but I felt really wrong. We have related problem about cheating that's why he divorce his ex of 12 years in marriage. I on the other side was being practical and honestly at first I thought he is just the same man who also lie. That's how my mindset that men are all the same. Lier and cheaters so why leave my husband? Since he meet me he was trying to reach out sending poems everyday. And was telling me that not all are like that. He also told how he feel about me and he just want me to know so he won't regret it. I'd been with my husband for 4 years on our second marriage and I feel appreciate by him. When my husband told me about his buddies that theyre wives caught them cheated three times they forgave them. I don't know what the message about but I can sense his about to do something 3000 miles away. I went to his fb and Skype and prove enough he was screwing his private on top of that I waited to confront him cause our anniversary is coming up and he totally forgot about it. This was the third time in our 2nd marriage he did it. Al though since I can only prove through texting he said that is only flirt and nothing happen. On that time I said to myself that I'll just go ahead and go outside the box like him but I am more emotionally involved. So I went in and date the OM. He treated me like a princess.
But my problem is my husband still wanting me back and manipulate me and using my son which my deepest weaknesses. I let him use it to me before but I couldn't do it now cause I'm strongly in love with the OM. I also have trust issue that it affect my relationship with the OM but he was still holding on to me. I never been treated like this OM treated me this way.

But I'm also scared that my son will hate me cause he love his dad and be didn't know the whole truth.