Does anyone else have a very jealous and possesive partner?

[Iriah]

I'm not planning on leaving him.

He is 30 and we've been together a while. I love him to bits and believe he loves me too, my problem is his irrational jealousy and paranoia. I know his ex cheated on him and this has a lot to do with it.

He cannot stand for my friends to be round, he doesn't like me using facebook, he worries about texts on my phone and doesn't like me having male friends/talking to men.

He is passionate, loving, affectionate, funny and hard working. He is also hot headed, impatient and very moody - the moods are mainly to do with the jealousy for example, I have a male friend who I have known since before I met dp although I have only seen him once since we got together. We keep in touch via text but he has asked me to go for a drink with him this week just as a chance to catch up. I asked DP whether it was ok and he said I could do as I pleased but I know that if I go I will have to put up with questions and constant texts whilst I am out. I am going anyway, I don't see why I shouldn't. DP would be welcome to come, but he wont.

I haven't had a night out since we got together, my friends don't visit anymore. He accuses me of being sat at home on FB or chat sites all day, and also of doing nothing all day but if I go out I am answerable to where I have been, who i've talked to etc.

He, on the other hand has plenty of femal friends, which is not an issue for me. He is even going away for a week with one of them and sharing a room with her. I trust him and although I will miss him I hope he has a good time. This was booked before we moved in together, otherwise I might not have been so understanding.

It bothers me that he can spend time with his female friends but I can't spend time with my make friends. I don't argue about it with him as he just storms off or sulks and it gets me nowhere, in the past i've just accepted it and got on with things but i've decided that I don't want to live the rest of my life lonely and constantly having to prove myself trust worthy.

The only time he acknowledges what he is like is when he has had a drink, he tells me then that he is sorry he can't trust me and that he is trying to change.

We have lived together for 6 months. I want to have a bit of freedom, I don't want to have my internet history checked or my texts monitered, I want to be able to go where I want and see whom I want too. But right now he is all I have. I don't really have friends anymore, I stopped going to the pub quizes and dance classes that I enjoyed. I don't watch CSI or Corrie anymore because we watch the nature and documentary channels as he enjoys it.

I want to reassert some control in my relationship, I made the mistake of giving him everything he wanted at the beginning of the relationship because I thought he was scared of loving and possibly losing someone, because I wanted to show him he could trust me. But i've made a rod for my own back and now I don't know how to get back to where I was. His mum told me that he was just like his dad and that it had taken her years to find herself in their relationship, she warned me to stand up for myself now before it was too late. She said although she loved her son she pitied the woman that ends up marrying him.

This has all come to the surface today because my friend has been round and accidently eaten his lunch stuff. He knows I wouldn't touch his stuff, so will know someones been round, even though my friend is female he will want to know everything that was said etc, that on top of me wanting to meet my make friend for a drink will lead to a very sulky evening.

And I've just realised i'm scared to post this incase by some freak chance he sees it. I've name changed but their is enough detail for me to be identified. He knows I read MN occasionally and doesn't approve. I'm not scared about him hurting me BTW, just of the arguement and break up of our relationship it would enivitably cause.

So if anyone has lived with a partner that is jealous and paraniod and managed to establish some trust I would be grateful to know how it was done please.

I don't know what to say to you when you start your post with 'I'm not planning on leaving him'. He is controlling, eroding your self esteem, isolating you from your friends....I don't see the attraction.

I don't know where to begin. Run run run for the hills.

I to would run as fast as my little legs could carry me. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear.

< my friend has been round and accidently eaten his lunch stuff. He knows I wouldn't touch his stuff, so will know someones been round >

This is not living with a loving partner, it's imprisonment.

I had one. It progressed to him hitting me. I left.

I realise hiw awful my post sounds but on the flip side he tells me all the time that i'm beautiful, that he loves me. He always wants me with him, whether he is out with family or friends. He holds me close all night when we're sleeping, I just cant seem to find a middle balance.

Iriah have you been in abusive relationship before? Can you not see he is abusing you?

I think you're hanging yourself by your own petard here when your first sentence is "I'm not planning on leaving him".

What are you getting out of this relationship exactly?. I would like an answer to that question if nothing else.

You really think your love can rescue this man and his controlling ways learnt in childhood from his father?. Short answer to that question is NO. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship, it just does not work.

If a friend was describing this relationship to you what would your response be?.

It doesn't matter that he's telling you, he's not showing you this, he's showing you that he's controlling and he's posessive. You are not a posession or something that he can control, you are your own person. A partner should compliment you, not run your life.

emotional abuse. please get help. please. theres nothing you can do, abusers love the control, not the person.

He won't suddenly get better. He'll almost certainly get worse. You'll never, ever get him to start trusting you, no matter how hard you can try, even after years and years. Are you really happy to live like this for the rest of your life? This is abuse, honestly.

for goodness sake. re read your post op and think what you'd say to a friend / your mum / a daughter who told you all this. it is no way to live. why do you put up with all this crap?

What everyone else said. This will get worse, these men don't get better in my experience. You should be running for the hills.

Bloody hell, get out now. This will only get worse. Please - just do it. This is so far from normal behaviour that I can't get my head around it. Just leave. He doesn't love you - you don't treat someone you love like this. He's confused love with control, and you've confused love with I don't know what.

This all sounds like the beginnings of domestic abuse - just because nothing has got physical doesn't mean it isn't abuse.

He is emotionally controlling you, the fact that you have had to sacrifice so much for him and are scared to post this indicates that.

Also the double standards, he can have female friends but you can't have male ones?

I would advise you to have a look at the womens aid website and see if you can identify with anything on there. I'd be surprised if you couldn't.

If you're not planning on leaving him I don't know what you expect - you can't change someone who is acting like this. He is most likely aware of how he is acting and is choosing to be this way. Sorry.

Please read this page. Extract:-

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?

but not to the extent of your DP,your DP seem's a bit controlling but who am i to judge.

Maybe try talking to him about how you feel.

I went out with someone like this.

"He, on the other hand has plenty of femal friends, which is not an issue for me. He is even going away for a week with one of them and sharing a room with her. I trust him and although I will miss him I hope he has a good time."

He will have a good time. If he's anything like the (very similar sounding) bloke I went out with he'll have a fab time all over her and come back and hassle you about what you've been up to.

Save yourself a few years of aggro and get out now.

"I realise hiw awful my post sounds but on the flip side he tells me all the time that i'm beautiful, that he loves me. He always wants me with him, whether he is out with family or friends. He holds me close all night when we're sleeping, I just cant seem to find a middle balance"

You won't find a middle balance because its his way or no way at all. He does not love you, he just sees you as his possession to use as he wishes.

He has done a jolly fine job of controlling you hasn't he and you walked straight into his trap. He likely now want to make you think you cannot possibly function or would not be able to function without him around you. This is not love he is showing you here, this is abuse and controlling behaviour is abusive.

re this comment:-

"He always wants me with him, whether he is out with family or friends". This again is not love, this is controlling. Do you not see how controlling all his behaviour towards you is?.

If you want a life of your own you will have to extricate yourself completely away from him and this will not be easy as controlling men do not like to let go of their victim easily.

You need to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Controlling men too are angry ones - you need to be very careful or he will destroy any self worth and esteem you have. You are likely now a shadow of your former self and your friends are likely to be very concerned for your well being.

Just out of interest, Iriah, who taught you that you should put up with having your every move controlled as long as he says he loves you?

The reason I started this thread was because I had done some googling and terms such as 'emotional abuse' kept cropping up. And honestly I couldn't beleive it, because I always thought I was the type to walk away, that would recognise the signs etc. I feel quite stupid right now.

In answer to what I get out of the relationship - I feel safe, wanted, loved. I feel part of a family, part of his social circle.

Sometimes i feel thick and stupid, I make stupid little mistakes more and more often as i'm concentrating on not making them, and not saying stupid things, if that makes sense.

I started the thread by saying I wasn't going to leave him because I only planned on asking for advice re his jealously on me meeting my friend, I didn't expect to spill everything else.

As daft as this will sound, I really am not the 'type' (although I know there isn't a type) to put up with this. I've only ever tried to make him happy and settled, to make him feel valued and wanted. I give him attention and cuddles, all I wanted in return was his trust.

I realise this sounds stupid, but its just crept up on me.

Iriah, this isn't a trust issue. You will never make him trust you. Its about control. He is quite happy to have you totally under his influence, so it doesn't benefit him to change that. The jealousy is a means to an end. It keeps you trying to please him, reassure him and keep on his good side. Please revise your opening statement.

And start running.

he's allowed to do what he wants, even to share a room when going away with a female friend ( i reckon he is playing away, why else share a room?)

but you aren't allowd to see an old male friend for a drink?

why would you not leave him?

i could not live with that extent of control and hypocrisy

I married someone like this. He used to leave me romantic little notes telling me he loved me. But his (totally unfounded) jealousy go out of control; I couldn't go & see best friend if her bf was likely to be there (WTF?) etc.

One night he came in late from work with a mate - I was watching TV. He walked across & switched the channel. This sort of behaviour escalated until he was hitting me - "because he loved me so much". I couldn't visit my parenst with a black eye.

Eventually I asked one of his mates (who understood) to help me leave. I didn't have the courage to do it alone.

Two years later I met current DH - a decent, wonderful man.

Get out of there - sorry, but this is not healthy. You art kidding yourself. Get a mate to help you, and go.

It's OK Iriah, it's important that you see what he's doing though. It doesn't matter how much you care for him or what you do, it will never be enough for him.

You need to contact Womens Aid and get some support.