Does anyone else have a very jealous and possesive partner?

[Iriah]

I'm not planning on leaving him.

He is 30 and we've been together a while. I love him to bits and believe he loves me too, my problem is his irrational jealousy and paranoia. I know his ex cheated on him and this has a lot to do with it.

He cannot stand for my friends to be round, he doesn't like me using facebook, he worries about texts on my phone and doesn't like me having male friends/talking to men.

He is passionate, loving, affectionate, funny and hard working. He is also hot headed, impatient and very moody - the moods are mainly to do with the jealousy for example, I have a male friend who I have known since before I met dp although I have only seen him once since we got together. We keep in touch via text but he has asked me to go for a drink with him this week just as a chance to catch up. I asked DP whether it was ok and he said I could do as I pleased but I know that if I go I will have to put up with questions and constant texts whilst I am out. I am going anyway, I don't see why I shouldn't. DP would be welcome to come, but he wont.

I haven't had a night out since we got together, my friends don't visit anymore. He accuses me of being sat at home on FB or chat sites all day, and also of doing nothing all day but if I go out I am answerable to where I have been, who i've talked to etc.

He, on the other hand has plenty of femal friends, which is not an issue for me. He is even going away for a week with one of them and sharing a room with her. I trust him and although I will miss him I hope he has a good time. This was booked before we moved in together, otherwise I might not have been so understanding.

It bothers me that he can spend time with his female friends but I can't spend time with my make friends. I don't argue about it with him as he just storms off or sulks and it gets me nowhere, in the past i've just accepted it and got on with things but i've decided that I don't want to live the rest of my life lonely and constantly having to prove myself trust worthy.

The only time he acknowledges what he is like is when he has had a drink, he tells me then that he is sorry he can't trust me and that he is trying to change.

We have lived together for 6 months. I want to have a bit of freedom, I don't want to have my internet history checked or my texts monitered, I want to be able to go where I want and see whom I want too. But right now he is all I have. I don't really have friends anymore, I stopped going to the pub quizes and dance classes that I enjoyed. I don't watch CSI or Corrie anymore because we watch the nature and documentary channels as he enjoys it.

I want to reassert some control in my relationship, I made the mistake of giving him everything he wanted at the beginning of the relationship because I thought he was scared of loving and possibly losing someone, because I wanted to show him he could trust me. But i've made a rod for my own back and now I don't know how to get back to where I was. His mum told me that he was just like his dad and that it had taken her years to find herself in their relationship, she warned me to stand up for myself now before it was too late. She said although she loved her son she pitied the woman that ends up marrying him.

This has all come to the surface today because my friend has been round and accidently eaten his lunch stuff. He knows I wouldn't touch his stuff, so will know someones been round, even though my friend is female he will want to know everything that was said etc, that on top of me wanting to meet my make friend for a drink will lead to a very sulky evening.

And I've just realised i'm scared to post this incase by some freak chance he sees it. I've name changed but their is enough detail for me to be identified. He knows I read MN occasionally and doesn't approve. I'm not scared about him hurting me BTW, just of the arguement and break up of our relationship it would enivitably cause.

So if anyone has lived with a partner that is jealous and paraniod and managed to establish some trust I would be grateful to know how it was done please.

I put up with this sort of crap for more than a decade before i realised what was going on, so dont feel bad. Think i mustve walked around in a coma.

I identify with your comments re porn star, again, its not about sex, but another way to demoralize you and control you , absoluteley horrible.

I second what everyone else says, get him out, but get support to do so. Call womans aid, your parents, freinds and family , and do it today .Have someone present when you tell him to go.

And fwiw i think hes shagging the woman hes sharing that room with.

I hope you can leave, OP. I earnestly hope you can. But I have a very, very sad feeling that you won't, based on having seen this story so many times before.

Good luck to you. There is some extremely good advice on here.

I'm confused - you have children? Are they adult children? Do they live with you?

I'm presuming not given that they barely figure in your story.

But if you have small children living in your home and you let a man you barely knew move himself in and start dictating food and TV choices you have been extremely irresponsible and foolish. You say they come first and yet you have chosen to have a relationship with a man who is open about the fact that he doesn't like children and manages to be "polite" to them.

Please, please tell me this isn't happening to them in their own home

Yes, I have children. I puposely haven't mentioned then much, I have two wonderful little boys. He is ok around the children, he doesn't kick off when they are there but its like I can read his mind sometimes, I know he is storing it up to sulk about later. He barely sees them as they are at their dads weekends, and at school during the week. He isn't nasty to them, he makes an effort with them and I don't think they are unhappy. Its not that sort of thing, I can't explain it, sometimes he doesnt tell me I can't do something, I just know I can't.

With regards to my phone, I was over the moon that he had bought it for me and didn't think twice about giving him my own phone so he could copy the numbers for me onto a sim card reader and transfer them to my new phone, although this hasn't happened yet - and I now realise its not going to happen either.

Its also occurred to me that his job finishes at the end of the month and then he will be here during the day, that means no freedom at all.

Whilst i've been out (he had over slept) i've talked alot to my friend about my relationship with DP. The thing that surprised me most was that he just said "I know, everyone knows" I feel like an idiot. He said that he didn't want to interfer but would always be there, that I could spend the weekend with him and his family if I needed to be away from the house and not on my own after he has left. He said he has noticed a change in me that I haven't even noticed myself. He pointed out that whilst we were eating I was constantly looking over my shoulder and answering texts. Texts along the lines of "You had better not be all over him" and "Where are you now" and I was worrying because i'd said we were somewhere other than we were and I thought maybe he would drive past to check.

My 'plan' is to wait until the boys are at their dads this weekend, they leave at 5pm Friday evening, he gets back at 7pm Friday. I will sort his stuff during the day and have it ready. I don't know how to tell him though, I want to do it as easily as possible, I don't want an arguement about it, or to get into talking about it, I don't want to give him the opportunity to talk me down, because I know he will be able too. I bought a sim card today for £1 so I will be able to change my number straight away after he has gone. My friend said he can come round at half 7 friday to check he has gone and that i'm ok but I don't know whether thats a good idea, on the other hand I might need him there. I don't know what to do for the best at the moment.

I don't know whether to call his sister in law and ask her to pick his stuff up tomorrow afternoon so I wont have to see him, I can just tell him on the phone that way. But, I don't know if I can trust her, it could backfire on me even though she knows what hes like and he has always told me to ignore her and that she is s trouble maker, which makes me think she could help me. We've always got along well.

He has a key to the door, I can't afford to get the locks changed but he doesn't have a key to the chubb lock on it so I can lock that from the inside and out until I have chance to get it changed, if he wont give me the key back. Hes taken my keys from me before, so its a possibility.

I can't believe I only posted for some words of wisdom about how to get him to trust me and now i'm running away from him. I'm scared and unsure, I know in my head i'm doing the right thing for my boys, but if it wasn't for them I don't know what I would do. I love them so much that it over shadows any feelings for anyone else, I want them to have a stepdad that feels lucky to be in their lives, that treats them like his own, teaches them stuff and makes them laugh, that I can be a family with, if that exsists.

Iriah, have only skimmed the thread but is this man ex forces as I have only ever heard women referred to in that way when I was in the army?

From what I have read this man sounds dangerous and I believe that this will escalate when you try to finish the relationship. I personally would contact the police and flag up your concerns, you can do this without making an official complaint.

Will go back and read the thread properly now.

He isn't ex forces but his brother is in the forces. Mot sure what he does or anything like that but have seen the photos and hes always away doing something or other. DP does like all the Chris Ryan stuff and collects air rifles and cross bow things and army related stuff. None of which are at my house as I wouldn't have them round the children, I don't approve of it and he knows this.

I have the number for the local police station and have noted the number for womens aid from this thread but am ashamed to call I know that sounds pathetic but I am really ashamed of myself. Until yesterday afternoon I was happy, or at least I thought I was. I think I could be happy if things stayed at the level they are now if I hadn't realised what was going on, because it felt normal to me, almost like i'd forgotten how things should be. (yes I realise how idiotic that sounds) But I can see from the amount of people on here that have been in the same situation how it will end up, and how quickly it takes over your life.

I feel oddly numb, i'm not sat her thinking "oh but I love him" I don't feel much on anything, like i'm on auto, detached.

Call Women's Aid now....don't think about it...just pick up ythe phone and dial the number.

When I made the fisrt call I probably didn't speak for a good five minutes...I just cried.

They know...they will be able to tell you!

The weapons....OMG! Another sign of a very dangerous man. DO NOT THINK TWICE....GET SAFE...NOW!

Right, excellent, a plan

You mention a male friend who was around today. I strongly advise that if you can, you have him round (or in fact ANYONE) when you kick him out. When I left XP (I moved all my stuff out when he was at work) he turned up while I was packing everything up, it was awful. I don't know what he would have done had my mum not been there. As it was he ran upstairs saying "I don't believe this" and then I followed him up to see what he would do, he cried a bit, and then got a bit aggressive (Saying "You've ruined my life" etc) but he didn't ever make a move to hurt me or anything. I did feel sufficiently on edge that I didn't go up to him when he cried in case he lashed out and hit me or anything. And I stood near the stairs so I could escape easily but not in a position that he could push me down them. It's awful to have been thinking like this

Also what I realise since I left is he may never have been violent to me, but things like playfighting, he would go too far and actually hurt me. Your comment about the lube rang true for me. Do you realise every time he has sex with you when you are not fully aroused, to the point you have to use lube, that he is raping you? I used to have panic attacks during sex, after 2 years of this. And then of course he said there was something wrong with me, my sex drive was unnaturally low, why didn't I like it with him when I was so up for it with all my old boyfriends (Do you know the really sad thing? I found some old diaries and I really wasn't up for it all the time with my exes, but I believed him that I had been and thought there was something wrong with me)

I have seen someone else since I left (about 6 months ago) and my sex drive is perfectly fine, and I surprised myself by enjoying sex, really enjoying it, not just thinking "Oh this isn't too bad" when it got going.

The funniest thing (which I can laugh about now I have left) is that his new girlfriend, he is on facebook every day (which is funny in itself as he always used to say "Facebook is for stupid people with nothing better to do") proclaiming his undying love for her, it only took him 2 days to fall for her (less than 24 hours actually if you use FB as a guide) she is "The one" etc. And these proclomations of love are worded EXACTLY the same as things he said to me or things I used to say to him! He even went so far as to take a song lyric from the film "PS I Love You" which we went to see in the cinema together. Just makes me realise nothing he said to me was original or came from the heart, he just stole it from somewhere else and recycled it. Also I remember our relationship moved very fast at the beginning, don't know if this is the same for you or not.

But I really think you need to have someone there when you tell him he's gone. Don't worry about him thinking that you've been sleeping with that person or plotting against him etc or that you haven't afforded him even the basic respect to do it one on one - he hasn't shown you any respect during this relationship. If you do it one on one, he very likely will talk you down. It is going to be upsetting for you, he's either going to get very angry or very upset, but if there is someone there he'll probably keep it to a minimum.

Also, keep your mobile in your pocket in case you need to phone the police. You probably won't, but it will make you feel safer. And then go out for a drink with your friend afterwards, or get a takeaway in and stay in with a bottle of wine and toast your new life. It will be okay

It wouldn't have stayed the same, you do realise that don't you? it would have become worse, gradually until you were unable to see a way out. It felt normal because that is all part of the process, normalising unacceptable behaviour. My ex shagged around, drunk 10 cans every night and was totally verbally abusive but I still thought it was all my own fault till I came on here.

"does like all the Chris Ryan stuff and collects air rifles and cross bow things and army related stuff"

I don't want to be dramatic I really don't but this man so fits the profile of a dangerous abuser. When I called the police re my ex one of the questions they asked me was if he was into all that kind of stuff (he isn't, thankfully).

Call Woman's Aid. When I did they were so business like and totally understood what I was trying to tell them, they knew exactly what I was talking about.

Be careful, have the police number dialled on your phone ready to call, seriously. Obviously I don't know your dp but it can't hurt to have some safety measures in place can it?

"I want them to have a stepdad that feels lucky to be in their lives, that treats them like his own, teaches them stuff and makes them laugh, that I can be a family with, if that exsists"

Well this current man does not fit that particular bill in any way, shape or form. He has emotionally harmed you and undoubtedly as well your boys can likely see what is happening to you.

I note as well that he leaves his job at the end of the month, you do not have much time at all. Do have someone with you when you tell him to leave as he also likely kick off and turn sweary and alternatively teary if not directly violent at you.

It is only when you are fully extricated from him will you realise how much harm he has actually done since meeting. That is when the work on you to emotionally heal you begins. Freedom programme would be an excellent idea at that time as would be reading the Lundy Bancroft book I recommended.

Our relationship moved very fast, from the first time we met each other he was here every night, telling me he loved me etc.

I can idenify with the play fighing too, I have little finger type bruises all over me from us messing around. Or from his random (what I assumed were playful little digs) little digs. I just thought he didn't know his own strengh.

I am ashamed again to say this but with the sex thing he puts his hands round my neck, slaps me, spits on me. It wasn't always like that and I never say no, its just how it is. He has made me sick during it before. Its only like that in the evenings though. Like I said, he thinks i'm a porn star. He thinks I enjoy it and I don't know why I haven't told him I dont. After his approval I suppose

Reading that back it sounds horrific, but living it you don't see it like that at all, it just feels normal.

I am worried that if my male friend is here it will turn into a fight, he is gentle but built and Dp is built and hot headed, it wouldn't end well.

My guess as well - he is known to the police already in some capacity.

Please call women's aid. They will advise you on how to get out of this relationship safely. Agree that he sounds dangerous.

I will ring the womens aid number now because if I wait it will be to late to call and I wont have chance to be alone.

I am worried that you will all think that i'm a troll, i've seen it on here before and thought the same about some threads. But you really don't realise how bad things are until its written down, it doesn't feel that bad because its spread out. Reading this back it doesn't even feel like i've written it, thats not my life.

YOu really, really need someone there when you tell him to leave. THis is the most classic, textbook picture I have ever read of the sort of bloke who kills his partner. ANd FFS get the DC out of the house to a safe place before you tell him to go, men as dangerous as this frequently hurt children to punish their female partners. Have a word with the police domestic violence unit now, they may well be happy to send a police officer round to support you when you tell this man to leave.

Could you have more than one person with you?
You get on with his sister, yes? Would she be willing to come round?

You definitely don't want to do this on your own,and I think your instincts are right; he may well see your friend as a challenge and start a fight. He's less likely to do that if he's outnumbered and if there is another woman there.

It would be very useful for you to ring WA, they are knowledgeable and will be able to advise you of the best way to bring this about. Don't stay on your own after he's gone, either. He's not going to give up easily and could just turn up on your doorstep.

Plus you are probably going to feel strange once you have done it - don't expect some rush of joy, you will need time to take it all in. Your emotions are likely to be confused. This has been a very quick journey for you, and you have done/are doing so well in getting this fuckwit man, out of your life.

I've got as far as typing the number in my phone and I can't bring myself to ring it. I don't know what I would say to them, I feel stupid and like i'm going to be wasting their time.

I feel totally detached to be honest. He has no idea that this is coming, he thinks everything is fine. I'm scared and a big part of me doesn't want to be without him, doesn't know what to do without him. But a bigger part of me feels humiliated because everyone seems to know.

I think i'm going to turn the computer off for a bit and have a break, a cup of tea and a bath, think things through (not about whether or not to stay with him, thats decided but the best way to minimise the fall out especially as I don't want wny trouble around the kids or at my front door, stupidly worried about what the neighbours will think)

If I put it off then I wont do it. Even tomorrow might be long enough for me to lose my nerve so maybe it will have to be today. The kids will be home from club soon though so I don't know.

I am so over whelmed and confused at the moment. I almost don't feel justified in turning his life upside down, a little bit of me is thinking that he only wanted to keep me safe, that he has been hurt before blah blah blah and i'm scared that if i wait until tomorrow that voice might get louder and win.

I am going against my instints by leaving him. How mad is that.

oh iriah, this has all moved v fast hasn't it. feel very concerned for your safety (and that of your little boys) reading all this (especially what you've said about interest in weapons and his horrific sexual abuse of you). please get some advice from women's aid / police. the police may be able to help if they know what is planned. they may agree to be present if they fear a breach of the peace / assault etc. good luck. you are being v brave.

He has left you with marks and bruises? Oh Iriah. This has gone far further than I think you could bring yourself to admit at first. Please call women's aid straight away. And trust your instincts in your old friend, who seems a gentle soul. You don't need to do this on your own.

Also, try to think outside of yourself. Imagine if a sister, daughter or friend of yours had said or written all that you've said in the past few hours. How would you react? What would you advise?

Its all sounds so scary, with talk of the police and womens aid. I know what hes doing is abusive but I don't feel abused, I don't have black eyes or anything I would associate with abouse, although from reading the links I see it is. The sex thing is consenual though, I never tell him to stop and he doesn't realise i'm not enjoying it.

Yes but this is a damage limitation exercise. Or you're going to find yourself thinking, "It was only a black eye, I won't phone." And then, "It was only a sprained wrist".

Trust me, I've seen this, and compassion turns to frustration pretty quickly (sorry). An aunt of my husband's ruined every aspect of her life and health by getting involved with one abusive man after another; every word of wisdom, every letter of advice, every pleading phone call was ignored. And you can bet your bottom dollar none of her men began with a thump.

Please just make that call to Women's Aid, Iriah. Do it NOW. RIGHT NOW. Redial and press the green button. Chat to them first, then you can think.

No.

Dig deep, be brave, and do this.

Phone WA - you are not being stupid - they will understand. A bunch of strangers on the internet can see it, your friends can see it, you, yourself, can see it.

You deserve to be safe, happy and loved. The life you have at the moment is not going to give you that.

I know it's scary. But action conquers fear.

Look ahead to the future - is this where you want to be? Covered in bruises, scared of what he will say to you, painful sex and worried, worried, worried? That's where you are now. The occasional nice bout of behaviour doesn't make up for any of that.

You can do it - and you don't have to do it on your own.

You have been brainwashed,that's why it feels like going against your instincts.

Please don't feel you are mad or silly.

I agree with all the excellent advice here.

I ,like many here,speak from experience.I wish I had found MN when only 6 months into what turned out to be a 3 year "experience".

I loved the feeling of safety,I felt I was turning his life upside down.I didn't know how I'd cope without him.

I was enlightened by MN in the way you are starting to e ,only it took longer,was more entrenched...and I had his baby 6 weeks ago.

The brainwashing starts to wear off after about 1-2 weeks.I didn't believe it,but it's true.

I have a panic button on my phone and the police changed my locks for me ---and my xp had no guns and no one else had seen his bad side until last month...What I mean is,they believed me nevertheless...You will be believed.

I am so relieved you have found out at this stage.
It will hurt.I still miss my xp - and I hate him and feel like an idiot for getting sucked in - I am a strong , independent mother of 4 - like you,it was my dc's that tipped the balance but now I can't believe I allowed ANY of it,right from the start.Looking back,the intense and wonderful soulmate love stuff was not greatly in evidence for long,although I can only see that from now.

Please make the break NOW. XXX