Does anyone else have a very jealous and possesive partner?

[Iriah]

I'm not planning on leaving him.

He is 30 and we've been together a while. I love him to bits and believe he loves me too, my problem is his irrational jealousy and paranoia. I know his ex cheated on him and this has a lot to do with it.

He cannot stand for my friends to be round, he doesn't like me using facebook, he worries about texts on my phone and doesn't like me having male friends/talking to men.

He is passionate, loving, affectionate, funny and hard working. He is also hot headed, impatient and very moody - the moods are mainly to do with the jealousy for example, I have a male friend who I have known since before I met dp although I have only seen him once since we got together. We keep in touch via text but he has asked me to go for a drink with him this week just as a chance to catch up. I asked DP whether it was ok and he said I could do as I pleased but I know that if I go I will have to put up with questions and constant texts whilst I am out. I am going anyway, I don't see why I shouldn't. DP would be welcome to come, but he wont.

I haven't had a night out since we got together, my friends don't visit anymore. He accuses me of being sat at home on FB or chat sites all day, and also of doing nothing all day but if I go out I am answerable to where I have been, who i've talked to etc.

He, on the other hand has plenty of femal friends, which is not an issue for me. He is even going away for a week with one of them and sharing a room with her. I trust him and although I will miss him I hope he has a good time. This was booked before we moved in together, otherwise I might not have been so understanding.

It bothers me that he can spend time with his female friends but I can't spend time with my make friends. I don't argue about it with him as he just storms off or sulks and it gets me nowhere, in the past i've just accepted it and got on with things but i've decided that I don't want to live the rest of my life lonely and constantly having to prove myself trust worthy.

The only time he acknowledges what he is like is when he has had a drink, he tells me then that he is sorry he can't trust me and that he is trying to change.

We have lived together for 6 months. I want to have a bit of freedom, I don't want to have my internet history checked or my texts monitered, I want to be able to go where I want and see whom I want too. But right now he is all I have. I don't really have friends anymore, I stopped going to the pub quizes and dance classes that I enjoyed. I don't watch CSI or Corrie anymore because we watch the nature and documentary channels as he enjoys it.

I want to reassert some control in my relationship, I made the mistake of giving him everything he wanted at the beginning of the relationship because I thought he was scared of loving and possibly losing someone, because I wanted to show him he could trust me. But i've made a rod for my own back and now I don't know how to get back to where I was. His mum told me that he was just like his dad and that it had taken her years to find herself in their relationship, she warned me to stand up for myself now before it was too late. She said although she loved her son she pitied the woman that ends up marrying him.

This has all come to the surface today because my friend has been round and accidently eaten his lunch stuff. He knows I wouldn't touch his stuff, so will know someones been round, even though my friend is female he will want to know everything that was said etc, that on top of me wanting to meet my make friend for a drink will lead to a very sulky evening.

And I've just realised i'm scared to post this incase by some freak chance he sees it. I've name changed but their is enough detail for me to be identified. He knows I read MN occasionally and doesn't approve. I'm not scared about him hurting me BTW, just of the arguement and break up of our relationship it would enivitably cause.

So if anyone has lived with a partner that is jealous and paraniod and managed to establish some trust I would be grateful to know how it was done please.

Sorry, I meant that for him! Her posts will be traceable to her home address, therefore the evidence against him is quickly available should anything happen.

Think everyone is worried for her, hope she's ok and she comes back.

I'm very frightened for her, too, especially as police up here are looking for the body of a woman who went missing a fortnight ago.

It is believed a former partner may have come to her work, where she was last seen, and murdered her.

PLEASE get your locks changed tonight, call WA and the police. Tonight.

They need a record, and that starts with you.

Do it for your boys if you can't bring yourself to do it for you.

oh right, makes more sense. yes you are right ItsGrace

Oh god expatin please don't say things like that.

Just a quick post as I can see people are worried and wouldn't like to leave you hanging. Dp has not turned up as yet tonight, I am fine, watching crap on the tv and going to get an early night.

I don't want to keep updating this thread just incase, but I will let you know that i'm ok when I can.

Thanks Iriah for updating. Stay safe.

please try and get this sorted as soon as possible.

Thinking of you Iriah.
Please have someone with you tomorrow.
I think maybe you should tell someone close what you plan to do tonight. (WA?)

Let me join the chorus of those urging you to call someone tonight. If, as zookeeper suggested, you call the police and let them know you are planning to end it with him tomorrow, and you are afraid of his reaction, they won't automatically come round when it is time to Do the Deed; they won't put that kind of pressure on you. However, you do need to put support measures in place.

Please also consider how your family and friends may react if they discover you did not ask them for help with all of this, but were afraid of contacting them/ approached strangers for help (MN/WA). That lack of trust is not the best basis for rebuilding your relationships with them. If you want these people back in your life, why not call them and ask for help. If your "reconciliations" occur in the context of a fight with "D"P, that is far more intense and meaningful than tentatively finding your way back into their lives with coffee meet-ups full of embarrassed silences... It may feel like a humiliation to ask for help from people, and heaven knows you have had enough humiliation for now, and probably just want to be done with it. However, don't think of it as humiliation, but tender trust in people who didn't betray you before (you were the one to move away from them, thanks to Gitbollox's influence).

Good luck!

God. I hope she doesn't try to do it on her own.

WV,I wasn't suggesting that the police come around to help the op dump her dp, just that they are made aware that there is a potential problem here and that if they get a call they should act immediately.

Iriah,
I don't think your 'D'P had to see this thread
to know you are in a bath. I am sure that being as controlling as he is he's used to picking up the noises in the background wherever you are so like you say, he probably heard the water.

Nobody has mentioned this but I think your 'D'P is lying to you. This sudden change in his behaviour- not comming home, going for 'family' meal, being less controling hints and one thing to me - he is cheating on you. I bet he has spent last evening/ night with a women (I bet it's the one he is going to stay with in one room!). All that can only be a good thing (although I pity that woman, poor thing she doesn't know what she's getting herself into...).

Did you manage to call anyone last night? Also, I would ring his sister- as 'D'P thinks she causes trouble that can only mean she's a strong woman and can help you.

Do you have all of their numbers on your phone? Surely you have the number of the friend who came round yesterday? Get in touch with him and get your friends numbers from him.

Sorry, zookeeper, I meant that the police wouldn't come roundimmediately, notifying them was a "safe" and non-final step to take, one which doesn't imply the level of commitment to ending it all which Iriah seems a bit afraid of. Sorry if I was misinterpreted.

Good morning, Iriah, I hope you slept well and enjoyed the feeling of being alone and comfortable.

Hi Iriah,

How are things this morning? Good luck today.
Keep your chin up. For your own sake try and have some support there as it is bound to be upsetting one way or the other. Let us know how you get on. Setting lots of good thoughts your way.

Sending...not setting

This thread genuinely gives me the chills. Please get away from this man Iriah, just reading this thread makes me terrified for you, and I'm not easily spooked.

mozarela, that too was my first thought on reading that he was spending the night somewhere else and not seeming bothered about how Iriah had spent her day: that he is with someone else. I'd put money on it.

The bath thing, I believe to be intended to make her feel spooked/spied upon, and it worked exactly as intended, didn't it? One might be shagging another woman, but it doesn't pay to leave the regular gf in peace in case she has time to think. Keep her on the back foot. That way she'll never dare to ask questions.

Two more points occurred to me. One, that there is no question that this man is dangerous. I said my XH never turned violent; well he never attacked me in bed either, nor punched strangers in the street. This man, on the other hand, has already shown a capacity for casual violence which is frankly disturbing. It doesn't even have to escalate by much because he's half-way there already. (I bet he bloody well does know you don't enjoy it, too, which may even be part of the appeal to him, but that's something you'll probably never know for certain.)

The other one is that Iriah is sorry for him because he has been hurt in the past. I don't believe it, frankly. As I said before, he says his other girlfriends all cheated on him and he will say that you cheated on him when you leave (probably with the friend who he so trustingly let you go out with, because he loved you so much, never thought you would do a thing like that etc). It's a thing he says to garner sympathy. But he doesn't feel hurt in his heart - he's the one who's done the hurting, to them, and one by one they got out when they opened their eyes as you are doing now. You are not the first, honey, and you won't be the last, unless and until he's locked up.

And one last thought: Womens Aid are there for women exactly like you. You don't have to have broken bones to be entitled to call them. They are there for anyone who needs help, regardless of the degree of abuse, and they know better than to judge a woman for getting into trouble. I bet you're not the mildest case of abuse they've seen this year, even, because it sounds pretty dreadful to me. The most dreadful thing about it is what it's done to your head so that you think it isn't bad. Trust us all on this; we have nothing to win or lose by your actions. You sound like such a nice person and you do NOT deserve such treatment. That's where we're coming from.

Hi Iriah, hope you are ok and just know we are all thinking about you.

I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear but if a relationship is going to work long-term then there has to be trust on both sides. I also believe both parties need their own space, friends, activities, hobbies, etc otherwise the whole thing gets too insular and clingy. My advice, hard though it is, is to run for the hills and make a fresh start and in time you will find a new partner who will treat you as an equal, not a chattel.

Hi Iriah, just found this thread and am keeping everything crossed for you breaking free from this man. He doesn't love you, he hates you and looks down on you, he likes hurting you and scaring you and that's not what love is.

Please please please ring WA if you haven't already, they will help you and support you. Also please talk to the police, point out that he hurts you and humiliates you, is constantly tracking you, has an interest with weapons and there are children in the house. It is dangerous, really dangerous. But you have to make a move, or your life and those of your boys will not be worth living.

Been watching the thread - Just to say i'm thinking of you Iriah, Be strong

thinking of you iriah

Iriah, I am seriously scared for you.

Please be careful of yourself, at least for the sake of your lovely children. Please, please get some RL help.

abuse doesnt neccisarily have to be in the form of physical or sexual; mental and psychological abuse are equally as demoralising.the fact that you have"got this off your chest" suggests to me you have already made your decision-empower yourself and leave as quickly as you can -you deserve so much better ;please dont be another statistc.be safe, and above all else, be happy!!

Iriah please come back (at some point, even if tomorrow) and let us know you are ok and how it went tonight. Hope it went well and you managed to get someone to be in the house with you.