Does anyone else have a very jealous and possesive partner?

[Iriah]

I'm not planning on leaving him.

He is 30 and we've been together a while. I love him to bits and believe he loves me too, my problem is his irrational jealousy and paranoia. I know his ex cheated on him and this has a lot to do with it.

He cannot stand for my friends to be round, he doesn't like me using facebook, he worries about texts on my phone and doesn't like me having male friends/talking to men.

He is passionate, loving, affectionate, funny and hard working. He is also hot headed, impatient and very moody - the moods are mainly to do with the jealousy for example, I have a male friend who I have known since before I met dp although I have only seen him once since we got together. We keep in touch via text but he has asked me to go for a drink with him this week just as a chance to catch up. I asked DP whether it was ok and he said I could do as I pleased but I know that if I go I will have to put up with questions and constant texts whilst I am out. I am going anyway, I don't see why I shouldn't. DP would be welcome to come, but he wont.

I haven't had a night out since we got together, my friends don't visit anymore. He accuses me of being sat at home on FB or chat sites all day, and also of doing nothing all day but if I go out I am answerable to where I have been, who i've talked to etc.

He, on the other hand has plenty of femal friends, which is not an issue for me. He is even going away for a week with one of them and sharing a room with her. I trust him and although I will miss him I hope he has a good time. This was booked before we moved in together, otherwise I might not have been so understanding.

It bothers me that he can spend time with his female friends but I can't spend time with my make friends. I don't argue about it with him as he just storms off or sulks and it gets me nowhere, in the past i've just accepted it and got on with things but i've decided that I don't want to live the rest of my life lonely and constantly having to prove myself trust worthy.

The only time he acknowledges what he is like is when he has had a drink, he tells me then that he is sorry he can't trust me and that he is trying to change.

We have lived together for 6 months. I want to have a bit of freedom, I don't want to have my internet history checked or my texts monitered, I want to be able to go where I want and see whom I want too. But right now he is all I have. I don't really have friends anymore, I stopped going to the pub quizes and dance classes that I enjoyed. I don't watch CSI or Corrie anymore because we watch the nature and documentary channels as he enjoys it.

I want to reassert some control in my relationship, I made the mistake of giving him everything he wanted at the beginning of the relationship because I thought he was scared of loving and possibly losing someone, because I wanted to show him he could trust me. But i've made a rod for my own back and now I don't know how to get back to where I was. His mum told me that he was just like his dad and that it had taken her years to find herself in their relationship, she warned me to stand up for myself now before it was too late. She said although she loved her son she pitied the woman that ends up marrying him.

This has all come to the surface today because my friend has been round and accidently eaten his lunch stuff. He knows I wouldn't touch his stuff, so will know someones been round, even though my friend is female he will want to know everything that was said etc, that on top of me wanting to meet my make friend for a drink will lead to a very sulky evening.

And I've just realised i'm scared to post this incase by some freak chance he sees it. I've name changed but their is enough detail for me to be identified. He knows I read MN occasionally and doesn't approve. I'm not scared about him hurting me BTW, just of the arguement and break up of our relationship it would enivitably cause.

So if anyone has lived with a partner that is jealous and paraniod and managed to establish some trust I would be grateful to know how it was done please.

this friend is not in the phone book or you don't know the number of someone else off by heart who will know his cell phone number?

I agree with trinity, don't mess about

It's quite surreal reading this as I too have been in a relationship just like this.

My XP used to stand by the window and write down car numberplate's and if there were any he didn't recognise as living in the street or that came past more than once I was automatically shagging every one of them. He used to smell my breath because he thought I was giving other men blow jobs, he used to check my phone and laptop 3 or 4 times a day, he never allowed me to go out anywhere, not even to the paper shop without him coming 'because he didn't want anything to happen to me, it wasn't safe', he used to wake me up in the middle of the night and demand to know who it was I was shagging.

He told me his other partners cheated on him that's why he was so cautious. I have since been in contact with one of them and it wasn't even true.

When I did leave, he posted under my name on websites that I was a member of like MN, that I wanted to be free to shag other people, just like Anniegetyourgun says. And that we had split up because I had run up lots of debts in his name. None of which were true.

It is soul destroying and the bestest and strongest thing I did was to get out of there. Once you see it from your sons point of view it is easier. I didn't want my beautiful babies to grow up always treading on eggshells around him, thinking this is how to treat mummy.

I was locked into that relationship for 5 years but I truly feel like me again, such a revelation and a liberation to be finally free and I hope you find the sense to do something.

Yes, 'Split Arses' i'd never heard the expression until he said it. He usually says it when hes shouting at other cars or drivers (like the car can hear him or something?!)

I hate it, but again its always been easier to ignore it rather than have the moods and sulks.

He told me once, when he was drunk, that he has anger management as a child. Maybe that should have rung alarm bells. They are ringing now.

I read somewhere that you can tell what a man is like by the way he speaks about his ex, I got caught up in feeling safe and secure, protected. I can see it clearer now, part of me doesn't want to give up the nice stuff, doesn't want to be alone and have no friends etc but a bigger part of me doesn't want this influence around my children and they come first. I'm ashamed to say that if it was just me then i'd probably stay but I don't come first, they do. I've always been a pretty good judge of people royally fucked up this time.

I am so sorry, but have to agree that there are massive warning signs here.

My 'H' was like this, almost to the letter. I lost all my friends, missed my Graduation ceremony, had verbal abuse when I was depressed, sulking and stoney silences. We were 'together' for 14 /12/ yrs and although he knows he had a problem, wouldn't get help.
I thought it would get easier as we were together, married and I really am not a flirt, although have an easy superficial relationship with guys. It didn't. It got worse, despite the fact that like your DP, he got on just fine and dandy with women. He 'strokes' people in a friendly manner but would sulk and huff if I even talked to my neighbour.

He hated me going on MN and FB.

It does 'creep up on you' Iriah. But please, re consider this relationship. You think you feel safe, but the truth is, safe means being able to have a chat with a man, turn round, smile at your DP and carry on, not a sick feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach that he might fire off.

the abuse is escalating.

road rage, punching someone who asked for a ciggy???

you are next. watch out.

he bought you a new phone and now you have no numbers? where's your old phone? can't you get the numbers off that?

oh please, please wake up and smell the coffee OP, before its too late.

can't you see? its like you are walking blinfolded towards a steep cliff edge and we can see where you are headed but you won't listen to the wearnings.

All his exes either didn't cheat on him but he is so paranoid he thinks they did or they DID because he bloody drove them to it!

All of this stuff he does to control you only works because you let it. Its YOU who is allowing this to happen to you. Its a slippery slope and once you are on it he will keep upping the control tactics and it will get harder and harder for you to get control of yourself back.

He has deeep psychological issues that are going to casue you to have a very miserable life.

What you say about making him feel better by being good - is very very sad. Will you really sacrifice your own mental well being to shore up that of some pathetic bloke who will never ever be satisfied no matter how much he grinds you down?

If you carry on you will not recognise yourself in six months time.

He calls us what??????

When he bought you a new phone you lost all your numbers? Or he wiped them all?

Get that binliner packed and a new lock for the door ready.

I could probably get his number by asking around on FB but I dont want to look an idiot I sent out a message to some of my friends last night with my new number in it, so hopefully people will text me and I can store their numbers again. DP keeps asking me if i've given my new number to anyone yet, like I have to justify myself and my reasons for giving a particular person a way to contact me. My friend will probably turn up in an hour apoligising for over sleeping or something. I just get nervous when things don't run to a plan because it makes him paraniod that i'm trying to trick him or decieve him in someway.

My ex was like this to, they have to be nice so you don't feel to far from there grip.

Friend is here!

iriah I could have written your post 20 odd years ago over an ex I had back then for nearly 3 years. I was young and immature and honestly thought he loved me. There came a point when I suddenly realised that this relationship was warped and I mananged to break it off and I thank God I did as looking back, it wouldn't have been long before the violence would have started. But everyword you have written in your posts could have been me.It still bothers me even now that I almost let him slowly deconstruct the life I had to try and build it into the life he wanted me to have. Please please get out of it now.

fall to far

So, when are you packing his stuff?

If you're still there, show your friend this thread. You need some real people in your corner as well, not just us!

"I've seen him punch someone who asked him for a ciggerette and his road rage is scary."

Iriah, this man is genuinely dangerous. There are so many warning signs in what you're writing that I am worried for your safety.

There is a very perceptive article about spotting abusers and written by a psychologist. It's here. I recommend you read it.

But, please, don't beat yourself up about falling for him. Abusers are very good at fooling you during the "honeymoon period", those first few months when everything is roses and chocolates. It's like the "love-bombing" that religious cults do to lure people in and make them dependent.

In finding yourself in an abusive relationship you have made a mistake that an awful lot of other people make. It doesn't make you a bad person. But do call Women's Aid for advice on how to safely get him out of your life.

You said

A] but i've decided that I don't want to live the rest of my life lonely and constantly having to prove myself trust worthy

B] I'm not planning on leaving him.

I am pretty sure you won't achieve A, unless you change your mind about B

Please make sure that you have someone with you when you tell this man to leave. I don't think he will 'walk out and never come back', I think he will attack you if you confront him on your own. Call Women's Aid or the local domestic violence unit, they can send someone round to support you in getting him out - and in recovering after he has gone and not panicking to the point you consider letting him come back. You may also need support if he won't go quietly but starts stalking you - if he does, he can be locked up BTW.

Iriah,

He is systematically destroying you by taking away and self respect and worth that you once had. You wrote that you met him when you were at a low ebb. Its not your fault per se you were targetted; these men are very clever and plausible to those in the outside world. His early niceness was an act to lure you in, it was all planned and calculated on his part.

The new phone is just another way of controlling you (did you meekly hand over your old phone to him?) and isolating you further from your friends.

You are now seeing his true dangerous nature and this will escalate. He is a very dangerous individual. Do call Womens Aid for help on how to get him out of your life. These men too do not let go of their victims easily and I am certain he has left a trail of emotional destruction in his wake, women who thought like you do that you can actually help him.

You cannot be happy in a relationship like that. If you love him and are adament he means it when he says hes going to change. Say to him
'You are nont his Ex, you are not going to cheat'

If he does continue to be like that then i would walk. I was in a controlling relationship and i fucking hated it. I look back now and think WTF didnt i have a back bone and stand up to the little twunt! Cos if i ever saw him today i would tell him exactly what i thought about him and thats not much. People like make you hate them eventually. I would tell him what you have said to us.

Hes not confortable with you going for a drink with a male friend but he expects you to be confortable with him going away for a week with a FEMALE friend. I would do what he does to you, and ask, ask, ask, ask questions. If he does snap and say about you asking so many questions, tell him thats what he does to you.

hope your ok x

cheekypinksox not quite sure that your advice is the best. The OP recognises he is controlling her now and has written about his capacity for violence.

I really don't think that staying and playing the same 'games' back at him would be either constructive or safe for her.

A man who controls his women and accuses her of shagging other people are themselves shagging others.

I have been in that sitation like many others on here have, my Ex used to take my bank cards, wouldn't let me go to family bbqs/partys etc etc he even had a row with me when i bought my first ever car with my dad. He wanted me not to buy a car so he could keep tabs on me, he wanted me to fail my driving test because he knew i would get my own independance and he didnt want that.

I even had to tell him WHO i spoke to at work (in a sales office) every day because men worked in the office. It was bloody stupid and because of his controlling ways and the
'your fat, you need to go to the gym , no ones going to look at you looking like that'

I thought it was true. I joined the gym and i was 18, 4ft 11in and weighed 7st but fat according to him.
He was shagging everything and anything including prostitutes in which he gave me an STI, which went un-noticed for some time, in the end he drove me to sleep with someone else, i got checked at the Drs and an infection i had, had developed due to breeding on the STI Chlamydia Which meant i had had it for some time. It was a bloody good job i got myself checked because if not i probably wouldn't have the two adorable kids i have today. When i told him what the Dr found, i was afraid of what would happen.

Can you imagine calling your controlling, possessive Boyfriend up and telling him you have Chlamydia??

I was thinking whats he going to say?
All he said was:
'how you got that?' then he said he must have gave me it because he had shared a can of pop with a mate who sleeps around! (yeah OK Knobsack - You stick to that story)

In the end he drove me into the arms of my husband - Best thing he ever did!!

I look back and think WTF was i doing. But as they say love is blind.

i hope you are ok. find the strength to leave, for your boys sake.

xx

I agree that this man is too dangeraous for cheekypinksox advice.

Their behaviour can escalate dramatically when they begin to lose control. This is very serious indeed. He is already violent.

I really would advice Women's Aid....0808 2000 247.

advise....sorry.