Does anyone else have a very jealous and possesive partner?

[Iriah]

I'm not planning on leaving him.

He is 30 and we've been together a while. I love him to bits and believe he loves me too, my problem is his irrational jealousy and paranoia. I know his ex cheated on him and this has a lot to do with it.

He cannot stand for my friends to be round, he doesn't like me using facebook, he worries about texts on my phone and doesn't like me having male friends/talking to men.

He is passionate, loving, affectionate, funny and hard working. He is also hot headed, impatient and very moody - the moods are mainly to do with the jealousy for example, I have a male friend who I have known since before I met dp although I have only seen him once since we got together. We keep in touch via text but he has asked me to go for a drink with him this week just as a chance to catch up. I asked DP whether it was ok and he said I could do as I pleased but I know that if I go I will have to put up with questions and constant texts whilst I am out. I am going anyway, I don't see why I shouldn't. DP would be welcome to come, but he wont.

I haven't had a night out since we got together, my friends don't visit anymore. He accuses me of being sat at home on FB or chat sites all day, and also of doing nothing all day but if I go out I am answerable to where I have been, who i've talked to etc.

He, on the other hand has plenty of femal friends, which is not an issue for me. He is even going away for a week with one of them and sharing a room with her. I trust him and although I will miss him I hope he has a good time. This was booked before we moved in together, otherwise I might not have been so understanding.

It bothers me that he can spend time with his female friends but I can't spend time with my make friends. I don't argue about it with him as he just storms off or sulks and it gets me nowhere, in the past i've just accepted it and got on with things but i've decided that I don't want to live the rest of my life lonely and constantly having to prove myself trust worthy.

The only time he acknowledges what he is like is when he has had a drink, he tells me then that he is sorry he can't trust me and that he is trying to change.

We have lived together for 6 months. I want to have a bit of freedom, I don't want to have my internet history checked or my texts monitered, I want to be able to go where I want and see whom I want too. But right now he is all I have. I don't really have friends anymore, I stopped going to the pub quizes and dance classes that I enjoyed. I don't watch CSI or Corrie anymore because we watch the nature and documentary channels as he enjoys it.

I want to reassert some control in my relationship, I made the mistake of giving him everything he wanted at the beginning of the relationship because I thought he was scared of loving and possibly losing someone, because I wanted to show him he could trust me. But i've made a rod for my own back and now I don't know how to get back to where I was. His mum told me that he was just like his dad and that it had taken her years to find herself in their relationship, she warned me to stand up for myself now before it was too late. She said although she loved her son she pitied the woman that ends up marrying him.

This has all come to the surface today because my friend has been round and accidently eaten his lunch stuff. He knows I wouldn't touch his stuff, so will know someones been round, even though my friend is female he will want to know everything that was said etc, that on top of me wanting to meet my make friend for a drink will lead to a very sulky evening.

And I've just realised i'm scared to post this incase by some freak chance he sees it. I've name changed but their is enough detail for me to be identified. He knows I read MN occasionally and doesn't approve. I'm not scared about him hurting me BTW, just of the arguement and break up of our relationship it would enivitably cause.

So if anyone has lived with a partner that is jealous and paraniod and managed to establish some trust I would be grateful to know how it was done please.

this is how it started for me, progressed to pretty serious violence, by which time my self esteem and independence had been removed along with all my friends. I'd shuffle into work in polo necks to hide the bruises from his hands around my neck and I was expert at making up excuses as to why I had marks all over my arms/face etc when he had hit me. You're in a strong position now, it's 'only' been 6 months. Don't let it escalate- can you imagine spending years with this man and losing everyone and everything? You are not financially dependent and nor are you stuck in a joint tenancy so you can get rid of him. fwiw his hotel stay with another woman is not going to be innocent, he treats you as if you are behaving in the way he probably does. Please get out before it gets worse and becomes any harder to escape, please.

Iriah, if you do come back, sorry if I offended with my biccie.

It was your opening sentence followed by a horrific catalogue of insidious abuse that made me want to scream!

Please come back later down the line-lots of people here with excellent, helpful, non-wheat-based advice.

This thread has me in tears. Especially Atillas post:
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"I guess as well you are very young (in your 20s?) and likely met him when you were at a very low ebb. He attached himself to you and made himself out to be the knight in shining armour.

Abusers are not nasty all the time; they can do nice and nasty very well but it is a continuous circle. Am certain too this bloke is very plausible to the outside world (many abusers are extremely plausible) but you are seeing the true him, his true abusive nature. You cannot break the circle for him by loving him and trying to "fix" him and you certainly cannot rescue and or save him. You were trying to rescue and or save him; you cannot and should not act as someone's rescuer and or saviour in any relationship.

Controlling behaviours too are insidious in its onset but now you are in the full throes of a controlling relationship. If this is what its like after six months, then image 12-18 more months of it. "
*

It's so incredibly true. I stayed for almost three years. I don't even have the energy to work out exactly what to say, just please, don't let it carry on. Tell him it's over. It just gets worse and worse, otherwise

Iriah, I really, really hope you have had your "lightbulb" moment

Save yourself, while you still can

her real problem isn't him - it's her low self esteem.

God this is all too familiar. Classic classic behaviour. Glad you have posted, these women are on top on giving real life sound advise. I wish I knew of mumsnet yrs ago.

Tragically, Zedd, some of us had to suffer so we could help others save themselves ...

(there has to have been some point to it, right?)

"he tells me all the time that i'm beautiful, that he loves me. He always wants me with him"

there comes a lightbulb moment when you wake up and realise that this isnt about love but about control - it isnt romantic to be the only one he needs, it is abuse..

you have had that wake up moment...now plan your escape...
be warned - he might not like it when you take back control. he might get agreesive...

but you have a chance when he away with the "friend" - to change the locks and not let him back in....dump his stuff in a self storage.

Iriah I guess you are posting while he is at work, so you might see him tomorrow.

I have been in exactly the kind of relationship you describe. It's funny how often you see this when you post on here or speak to other "survivors" because these people are all the same!

I mean literally, I can identify with almost every sentence in your OP. EVERY single one of my XP's ex-girlfriends had cheated on him. I remember getting to a point where I realised why, and just how easy it would be - he was always telling me he loved me, cuddling me in bed, etc, buying me flowers, being "romantic" in all the traditional ways, but it was conditional. If I didn't want to have sex he wouldn't cuddle me. If I said something slightly wrong in a text (or waited slightly too long to text him back) he'd drop the "Love you" from the end of his reply. (And the "love you" when it was there was always something like "Love you forever and ever xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx" or "Love you with all of my heart" - a bit OTT looking back for a text about what was for dinner!) Things like that. Also he didn't seem to know how to be affectionate for the sake of it - he was obsessed with sex and every time I kissed him, touched him, hugged him or even vaguely looked in his direction he took it as an invitation for sex. So a simple kiss had to turn into a full on snog, or a hug he'd always end up grabbing my bum, every time he walked past me he'd slap my arse, like some kind of prize race horse!

When I talked to his friends, (who were the only male friends I was "allowed" I found them rational and normal, I was able to talk to them without them immediately jumping on me, I craved affection so much I realised how easy it would be to fall for someone else, and I was proud that I was resisting these urges - I can't believe this now, it sounds ridiculous - but he'd indoctrinated me so much that every girl had ever cheated on him and he fully expected me to do the same, (though he never said that explicitly) that instead of not having the thought of cheating cross my mind, I was constantly thinking of how good I was being by not cheating.

I can even identify with your part about the TV watching! I don't watch TV that much but I had a few things I liked watching, but no we could never watch what I wanted to because it was "boring" - instead we would watch the same DVD of "My Family" or various comedians, on repeat, every single night. It drove me insane. My Family isn't that funny in the first place, after you've seen the same episode ten times in the last week it is beyond awful.

You say in your original post: "I don't want to live the rest of my life lonely and constantly having to prove myself trust worthy."

The only way to do this is to leave. Please don't let him control you any more (and please make sure you DO NOT have any children with him). There is a lovely lovely man out there waiting for you and you're never going to meet him while you are with this loser. Be strong - it's an amazing feeling when you do get out and you can do whatever you want

PS if you download Firefox, Google Chrome or are using the latest version of Internet Explorer, they all have "Private Browsing" mode which not only doesn't save your history, but things like when you type something into google it won't save it in the box. It's just safer and easier for you than having to manually erase your tracks. If he notices you have downloaded a new browser just say someone told you it's faster or safer or something (because they are).

Might see THIS tomorrow I meant, sorry!

erm- he's sharing a room with another woman but is irrationally jealous and won't let you have any other friends at all.

He's blatantly shagging her. Get out now woman.

He's jealous because he knows what people can be like.

You need to contact women's aid as he's controlling you. How can it be acceptable for you not to have any friends?

I wasted 3 years on the control freak I was with - don't let this be you, Iriah.

Morning,

I am only here for a few minute, I have read through your posts again and BertieBotts you could be discribing my life perfectly. The only people I am allowed to talk to are his friends because he trusts them. When we go out it is with them or his family, his friends are male and i'm the only girl that goes out with them on 'lads nights' I guess now thats its so he knows what i'm up too.

He drops the kisses and love you' from hi texts when i've said something wrong, they become hmmm or oh rite

He constantly wants sex even if i'm tired or just not in the mood. 3 times a day quite often, I wouldn't mind if it was a quickie but I feel as though I am expected to 'perform' every time. TMI but we've had to buy some lubricant because its just not happening otherwise and rubs.

That said,

Last night he was lovely. Didn't sulk, and when we went to bed he (for the first time ever) held me close whilst we had sex, kissing me and being gentle. He did still control what was on the tv and what we had to eat etc but there were no comments about me being lazy or having done nothing all day. I actually felt bad for having posted this last night, I felt guilty for doubting him. I am meeting my friend this morning (I said 'a drink' in my OP as I was changing details so not to look totally identifable, but its actually breakfast) and although he has questioned me he hasn't gone off in a strop.

I keep reading the link that was posted earlier and I know that changing behaviour is a way of making sure you don't push someone far enough that they leave. I had a quick look this morning to see exactly what was in my house of his and there isn't a lot, mainly electrical stuff like his Ipod and some dvds, maytbe a black bags worth of clothes. It was never planned that he would move in it just happened so there wasn't any big clear out of his stuff from his moms to here so that should be quite easy.

His brother and sister in law are always telling me I must be crazy and that if I am going to be with DP I would have to be a strong person, now I see why. His family know what hes like, they are all too aware of his mood swings and very hot temper. I've seen him punch someone who asked him for a ciggerette and his road rage is scary.

So, all that I have to do now is find my backbone and deal with it. I don't know why i'm scared, i'm an adult and have always been independant and strong minded. I don't think I have low self esteem, I know i'm reasonable pretty, funny and (was) bubbly and popular. So whats wrong with me? I know the fact but I feel like my body is frozen.

I really appreciate all your imput, thank you. I know it must be hard for some of you to talk about, I feel stupid saying all thois as I can't believe i've let myself get into this situation. He says I talk funny, i'm slow, i'm stupid, he says i've got fat but that he still thinks i'm beautiful. I can see now, looking at it this way that he is breaking my confidence down and I don't want to be that person, I wont let my children (boys) grow up with the same influence as he has and turn out like him. He doesn't like children although he is polite to mine, he never wants his own. You'd think he would, it'd be a way to ensure he would always be in my life, lucky for me I haven'y made that mistake.

He always told me that if we argued he would leave and never come back. So I never argued. I hope he is going to keep his word.

I feel strong and angry right now but I will be upset when he has gone, I think I will be doing the right thing but i'm sure I will doubt myself at some point so I'm going to copy and paste this thread to my email box to read when I wobble.

oh stop excusing him fgs

Iriah - stay strong, keep seeing it how it is and get rid, as soon as possible.

You say he constantly wants sex even if you're tired or not in the mood - so you feel that you have to have sex with him to avoid moods / silent treatment - or worse?

You said he was nice last night because he didn't sulk. That's not being nice! Not sulking should be the default option, not a nice to have.

He held you close during sex for the first time since you got together?? Enough said. Please don't wobble.

OP, of course you will feel sad when he goes as there were good bits to miss, and your own expectations of a nice future with him to let go of. But really, there will be so much more bad than good for ever and ever. Congratulations on realising that before he has done too much damage. The nice behaviours, the kind lovemaking, are there to reel you in, you know. So that you'll cling on hoping for more of it and feeling that if only you worked harder at the relationship, he'd be nice again... They all follow the textbook, it's amazing, and unfortunately, so do we - up to the point when we open our eyes.

Bertie: "instead of not having the thought of cheating cross my mind, I was constantly thinking of how good I was being by not cheating"... fuck yeah! I too was sorry for the bugger because he was insecure, and thought that after a while he would get to know and trust me. For 23 years! I started neglecting my appearance, overeating, and looking forward to getting old so he would finally accept nobody else would want me. In fact I'm still irrationally proud of the fact that I'm not looking for another man. I don't feel as if it's my choice not to want a relationship, if that makes sense. Though perfectly understandable that I don't!

Btw XH never did get violent - although I have recently thought over incidents early on when he was probably testing the boundaries, and I reacted so strongly that he didn't try it again. It also helped that I was the breadwinner so he couldn't stop me getting out of the house and meeting real live human beings, aka a reality check.

Iriah, Look at the "freedom programme" website. It outlines particular types of abusers.

Whe I forst looked, I could see that my h was "the headworker", but once I'd done the programme, I could see that he was/is all of them.

It also outlines what a good decent man is like.

They are all the same, to the point where it becomes jaw dropping. They are very predictable.It's worth informing yourself, because when you've got rid of this one....which you will....you don't want another!

good luck iriah.

I had a boyfriend once who was very jealous (with no reason I might add). I am glad it fizzled out. I found out later he had bugged my phone and used to trail me. That kind of strangeness is going nowhere good.

Oh, and I'd lay money on the prediction that he tells everyone, especially his next girlfriend, that you left him because you wanted to be free to shag other men. Don't worry about it. It's his problem, not yours (and the next victim's of course).

My friend hasn't turned up yet, only 30 minutes late but i'm slightly worried that as i've let everyone down so often that its expected of me so he isn't going to bother to come because he assumes i'm going to cancel or not answer the door when he gets here. I can't even text or call to check as DP bought me a new phone and I don't have anyones number anymore. I would normally send texts via facebook messages but hes not online. Maybe he os just running late. I am sat here ready to go though, answering dps texts about what we are going to do, talk about, what i'm wearing.

I can identify with the feeling of being 'good' he actually tells me sometimes i'm a good girl. Sometimes I think that I am making him proud of me, helping him become more secure and showing him that i'm not like any of his exs. And yes, he says they all cheated on him.

He has a deep dislike and mistrust of women (or split arses as he calls them!!) They are all slags etc. He didn't talk like this when we first met, its been a wirlwind relationship, from our first date I have seen him every day and every night, he would come round at 7am before he went to work, pop in and out during the day (his job involves visiting people in there homes so is always in the area) and then coming home at 6ish for the night.

I didn't realise until I sat and thought about it how much hes changed since we first met in such a small space of time.

'He always told me that if we argued he would leave and never come back'.

I would put money on it he wouldn't, it is another way of controlling you.

My ex,had always said he would leave the country if we split up,nope mores a pity he is still here.

I feel for you

he calls women "split arses"?

Morning Iriah.

Glad you are still posting. OK he was nice last night. Fine. But that's not good enough is it?

I'm sorry but I think this is the real him and not the guy you encountered when you first met - that was the act

you need to run very fast