Does anyone else have a very jealous and possesive partner?

[Iriah]

I'm not planning on leaving him.

He is 30 and we've been together a while. I love him to bits and believe he loves me too, my problem is his irrational jealousy and paranoia. I know his ex cheated on him and this has a lot to do with it.

He cannot stand for my friends to be round, he doesn't like me using facebook, he worries about texts on my phone and doesn't like me having male friends/talking to men.

He is passionate, loving, affectionate, funny and hard working. He is also hot headed, impatient and very moody - the moods are mainly to do with the jealousy for example, I have a male friend who I have known since before I met dp although I have only seen him once since we got together. We keep in touch via text but he has asked me to go for a drink with him this week just as a chance to catch up. I asked DP whether it was ok and he said I could do as I pleased but I know that if I go I will have to put up with questions and constant texts whilst I am out. I am going anyway, I don't see why I shouldn't. DP would be welcome to come, but he wont.

I haven't had a night out since we got together, my friends don't visit anymore. He accuses me of being sat at home on FB or chat sites all day, and also of doing nothing all day but if I go out I am answerable to where I have been, who i've talked to etc.

He, on the other hand has plenty of femal friends, which is not an issue for me. He is even going away for a week with one of them and sharing a room with her. I trust him and although I will miss him I hope he has a good time. This was booked before we moved in together, otherwise I might not have been so understanding.

It bothers me that he can spend time with his female friends but I can't spend time with my make friends. I don't argue about it with him as he just storms off or sulks and it gets me nowhere, in the past i've just accepted it and got on with things but i've decided that I don't want to live the rest of my life lonely and constantly having to prove myself trust worthy.

The only time he acknowledges what he is like is when he has had a drink, he tells me then that he is sorry he can't trust me and that he is trying to change.

We have lived together for 6 months. I want to have a bit of freedom, I don't want to have my internet history checked or my texts monitered, I want to be able to go where I want and see whom I want too. But right now he is all I have. I don't really have friends anymore, I stopped going to the pub quizes and dance classes that I enjoyed. I don't watch CSI or Corrie anymore because we watch the nature and documentary channels as he enjoys it.

I want to reassert some control in my relationship, I made the mistake of giving him everything he wanted at the beginning of the relationship because I thought he was scared of loving and possibly losing someone, because I wanted to show him he could trust me. But i've made a rod for my own back and now I don't know how to get back to where I was. His mum told me that he was just like his dad and that it had taken her years to find herself in their relationship, she warned me to stand up for myself now before it was too late. She said although she loved her son she pitied the woman that ends up marrying him.

This has all come to the surface today because my friend has been round and accidently eaten his lunch stuff. He knows I wouldn't touch his stuff, so will know someones been round, even though my friend is female he will want to know everything that was said etc, that on top of me wanting to meet my make friend for a drink will lead to a very sulky evening.

And I've just realised i'm scared to post this incase by some freak chance he sees it. I've name changed but their is enough detail for me to be identified. He knows I read MN occasionally and doesn't approve. I'm not scared about him hurting me BTW, just of the arguement and break up of our relationship it would enivitably cause.

So if anyone has lived with a partner that is jealous and paraniod and managed to establish some trust I would be grateful to know how it was done please.

x posts with you iriah

Iriah, don't feel stupid. I'm a very assertive person with strong feminist beliefs, I'm the last person you'd expect to end up in a relationship like that. And I did it too.

I've only ever tried to make him happy and settled, to make him feel valued and wanted.

This is me too. I thought I was so strong that I would be the rescuer. I never expected my rescuee to turn around and control me!

I take a perverse sort of consolation that many of the strongest, wisest voices on these threads are posters that have been through it themselves. Many good, kind, generous women fall into the same trap, because a certain kind of man will latch onto all these good qualities and then suck you dry.

sorry, the thread moved on before I pressed post.

To whomever asked if I had ever been in an abusive relationship. I haven't.

I just wanted to make him feel secure, so I gave up the things that made him feel threatened or uncomfortable, but the list has extended and now i've got nothing left. No friends really, and he gets irritated by me seeing my family. Although i've never really been close to them.

ItsGraceAgain, I will read your link but just from the bit you copied I can tick every box.

this man doesnt love you, he loves controlling you. no man who loves you would control you and try to stop you doing things you wanted to do, be friends with who you want, and make you unhappy.
please get out. please please please.

you say you are part of a family and friendship group, did you have those before? If he's pushing away all your other friends, his aren't worth it. Their 'loyality' doesn't rest with you.

I've been there, the longer you leave it the more isolated you become and the harder it is to leave. Oh, and the big circle of friends I was part of when with controlling tosser melted away after we split up, within a year I wasn't in contact with any of them.

I've read on here more then a few times that this is how abusive/violent relationships start, the abuser doesn't like the partner seeing friends or family, they want them all to themselves. It always goes downhill from here.

I read the link and it describes him perfectly.

Apart from the physical violence, he doesn't hit me. He'll playfully tap me but that truly is him just messing around. He has a very high sex drive and expects me to be a porn star, this is the only time he is rough with me (consenually, he would stop if i said no)

I don't know what to do now. Without him I have no one, no one to chat too, to spend time with. If my friend hadn't come round today (she jst knocked the door because I think she realises now that if she calls in advance I will make an excuse) I would have gone 3 days in a row without talking to any adult other than him.

I am scared to say anything to him, but I don't know why. The fear is there but I can't explain it.

The only positive side is that this is my house, in my name alone. I lived here with my children before I met him. Also we are not financially joined together.

This is emotional abuse and it will get worse. There is nothing YOU can do. He has a big problem.

The biggest problem you will now encounter is his complete denial.

This is completely predictable I'm afraid, and could very well end in violence.

Melodramatic....yes. I was in your situaion, I stuck it for seven years and then he started to directly affect the dc's. I had to get rid.

There is only one solution, in the short term....leave.

Apparently, change is possible, but there has to be acceptance of a problem first...they can't do that. And the help that they get must be specialist and long term.

Have a look at the Women's Aid website.

I'm sorry.

Iriah

I guess as well you are very young (in your 20s?) and likely met him when you were at a very low ebb. He attached himself to you and made himself out to be the knight in shining armour.

Abusers are not nasty all the time; they can do nice and nasty very well but it is a continuous circle. Am certain too this bloke is very plausible to the outside world (many abusers are extremely plausible) but you are seeing the true him, his true abusive nature. You cannot break the circle for him by loving him and trying to "fix" him and you certainly cannot rescue and or save him. You were trying to rescue and or save him; you cannot and should not act as someone's rescuer and or saviour in any relationship.

Controlling behaviours too are insidious in its onset but now you are in the full throes of a controlling relationship. If this is what its like after six months, then image 12-18 more months of it.

He will destroy you emotionally if you stay within this and it will take you years to recover from the affects of it. This is not about trust or a lack of; this is all about power and control. This is what abuse is really all about.

Without him I have no one, no one to chat too, to spend time with

Because he's put you in that situation! He's driven people away! He can brainwash you without anyone around to give you a reality check. Go now while you still have a few friends - you'll make plenty more. It'll be even harder in future when he has isolated you totally and messed with your mind even more.

Seriously, every day you stay is a day that it gets harder to escape.

BTW - the 'good news' for you is six months isn't very long - it won't take much effort to get your old life back, I was 2 years and it basically meant starting again and a lot of grovelling to dear friends I'd 'dumped' because he didn't like me being with them and it was easier not to see them than have am argument.

and looking back now, those he didn't like were the strongest, most independent woman and the kind blokes who never wanted to shag me, but just pick my brains about their girlfriends and might have shown me how normal men treat woman they love.

I had just lost my job when we met, I spent the first few nights we were together crying because I was scared to be in a relationship. He listened, made me smile and promised to look after me. His protective nature was part of the attraction. I didn't look at him as someone who needed saving, I wanted him to save me.

He cooked meals, we watched crappy tv, he told me how proud he was to be out with me. When he would leave for work he would leave something of his with me just so I wouldn't have to worry about him not coming back. He would pick stuff up from the shops so I didn't have to bother going, he would call me 30 times a day to make sure I was ok, text me constantly. And I liked it. If anything, i've made him what he now is.

My head is still sore after banging it against a brick wall after Bauble's post, so

"The only positive side is that this is my house, in my name alone. I lived here with my children before I met him. Also we are not financially joined together".

Thank goodness for that!.

Your position here is thus stronger than you think. You can get him out of your house with support from Womens Aid and your family and friends. Please talk to Womens Aid initially; they can and will be able to help you.

I am very sorry it has come to this for you, you really did not deserve this at all and think you were very vulnerable when he walked into your life.

The way he is trying to control you sexually disgusts me. He has no respect for you at all; to him you're just a fanny to service him as and when he wants it.

Longer term as well, it may be an idea to go on the Womens Aid run "Freedom" programme.
When you have finally extricated yourself from him a programme like the above will be helpful. Reading "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft would also be helpful to you.

Jealousy is a degenerative illness and you can't cure it yourself. If he won't get professional help for this illness then it will progress and your life will become harder. I lived with a jealous man for over 20 years and it ended very badly. Knowing what I know now, I think you should tell him that he needs help and that if he's not prepared to get it then you will leave. Pandering to his jealousy is not the answer - it just confirms in his own mind that he is right. For both your sakes you need to deal with this now. With or without you he will never have a successful relationship unless he gets the help he needs.

OK, he met you when you were vulnerable. He took advantage of that.
He "called you 30 times a day" not because he cares, woman!
He has you imprisoned.

I feel so and for you.
I have been in a relationship like this and I feel sick with recognition. Just believe me when I tell you it is possible to kick him out and it is A-MAZ-ING once you do get out.

Thanks for your advice.

And CrankyTwanky thanks for your input the is by far the most helpful and insightful domment i've seen on MN so far

I don't think I would need any help to get him out of the house, I think he is far to stubborn to stay around, he would tell me it is my loss and he would walk out. I think.

I think though it will take a while for things to sink in, I feel slightly shocked at seeing things in black and white but am oddly not upset. Maybe i've known all along really.

xpost CrankyTwanky

I have to log out now (just didn't want anyone to think I had done a disappearing act) he will be home from work soon and I want to delete this from my history so there is no chance of anyone finding it.

Thanks again.

Iriah, if your old friends were real friends (and I'm sure they were) they will help when you call on them.

The reason men like your DP drive away your friends is so you have nowhere to turn when they get really nasty. The reason he checks up on you is to control & isolate you. You can't even go to pub quizzes or watch Corrie any more.

Your future mother-in-law (god forbid) already pities you.

Look at what you have written. "Right now he is all I have" "I've just realised I'm scared"

Get out now. As fast as you can. Run for the hills. I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear but it can end in tears now or it can end in tears five years time.

Iriah- you say in your OP you aren't going to leave him, and then you yourself list all the reasons why you must.

He hasn't been violent you say....and every woman reading this thread is adding "yet" to that sentence.

Violence and abuse doesn't have to be physical. Just because he isn't thumping you (yet) doesn't mean he's not abusing you.

Arguably psychological violence like the sort you are being subjected to by this man is even worse than physical the one breaks your bones, the other breaks your spirit.

Wishing you all the strength in the world to get rid of him.

Don't go thinking you're stupid to have got caught up in this, no woman is the "type" to find herself in this kind of situation. The "type" belongs to the man here, an insecure, pathetic arsewipe with no respect for women. Any woman.

Take care, and at least keep talking on here.

Iriah, you are not stupid and I think you have done the right thing posting here.

I agree with Attila, the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid is fantastic. It is for women who have been in abusive relationships and helps you to realise what is and isn't 'normal' and acceptable in a relationship and the warning signs to look out for when you decide to start a new relationship. It can take a while to get on it, they don't run very often, but well worth the wait.

Domestic abuse does not discriminate, anyone can find themselves in this sort of situation.

Good luck xxx

"He would pick stuff up from the shops so I didn't have to bother going, he would call me 30 times a day to make sure I was ok, text me constantly. And I liked it. If anything, i've made him what he now is"

You liked it because you were at a low ebb (thought you met him at a low ebb), you enjoyed his flattery. Controlling and abusive men like him have inbuilt radar for vulnerable women and he certainly targetted you.

No, no and no again to the comment you have made him what he is now. He learnt to become controlling and thus abusive because this is what he saw when growing up (look at what his parents showed him when growing up, you spoke to his Mum and she gave you fair warning).

I know what you mean about things spilling out. It's amazing how ideas develop when we examine them. I used to find out the most amazing things about myself and other people by writing a journal.

My ex-bf was jealous and possessive, to a much smaller extent than what you describe, and it was already too much. I didn't dump him immediately, but I guess my rebellions kept his tendencies in check. We had rows, and he did not get worse. Mind you, that was at university, circumstances in which it would have been so difficult for me to have dropped people and withdrawn from circulation, so I suppose it was a lot safer than life on the Outside!

FakePlasticTrees is right about how 6 months is not too long to get your old life and friends back. After all, with modern life being what it is, even good friends sometimes don't see one another in the flesh all that often. I've had friends "drop out" for months at a time with family deaths, work stress and so on, and am always delighted to see them again. You aren't alone, or you needn't be. But with him you will be.