Sex before marriage

[toonosy]

This is really nosy...but was wondering if anyone actually waits until they are married before having sex these days?

Me and DH waited, we were together almost 6 years before we married. Our decision was for religious reasons, however I can't bring myself to ask my RL friends their opinions on this!

Would love to hear what everyone thinks, was going to put this in Religion but thought I'd get more responses here.

Absolutely SGB, someone further up the thread said they wouldn't be happy about some sweaty teenage boy getting "his rocks off" in her DD's bedroom - I find that a weird attitude, if her DD was happy to be having sex with this boy, that means she is enjoying it too, surely?
I know I was every bit as enthusiastic about sex at 17 as DH was.

So many people seem to think that sex is something done to women, by men, for a man's pleasure only.
Teaching your daughter that sex is an enjoyable and mutually satisfying thing to do is a great gift imho, so much sex education is based on negativity, STIs, pregnancy etc. Not nearly enough focus is placed on the pleasure and fun of sex.
If you have self respect and respect for others, you can't go far wrong.

We did have sex but didn't live together before marriage.

Have a friend who was virgin of 33 years when she married (RC)

Another friend virgin bride at 25 or so.

It's quite rare though.

BTW Allsweet - what if your son marries before age 21? Will he not be allowed to sleep with his lawful wedded wife under your roof in that case?

We both waited until we got married because we are Christians and wanted to keep sex just for our husband/wife. When we married, I was 28 and he was 37.

That's amazing allsweet talking about your home becoming a brothel. So to you there is no difference between someone sleeping with a partner who they love and are committed to, who they sleep with willingly and safely, and being a prostitute? Because I see them as being entirely different things.

Mal - I love your view on life.

This is the attitude to sex that I hope my DC have, not to be promiscuous for the sake of it or due to peer pressure but to enjoy sex when it feels right and for the right reasons. ( they are late teens by the way)

i am lucky in that my DD and I have a good relationship. we are able to talk about sex in a non invasive way. but i and DH treat her and her [lovely] boyfriend as adults in an adult relationship. [they are both 19]
i assume that my DD is not completely naive to us having a sexual relationship. she is not a naive girl!

and allsweet, i find your comments quite disturbing, especially as they apply to me.
my house is not a brothel, and my daughter is not a prostitute. for all you know, your son has already had sex. and i kinda hope he has, because here's teh big bad secret.

ITS FUN.

did you feel no sexual desire until you were 21 by the way? genuine question?

Oh by the way last night/this morning I may have sounded barking but was just drunk.

I wouldn't encourage anybody to have sex in my house and would hope that all the dcs, not just dds would wait until it was right for them.

What has happened to allsweetness?

And then there was light.

Getting back to the OP's original question...

...we um, didn't, first night together, first date...

What we didn't do was have any fun of that nature on the night of our wedding, we were too tired.

"Even mutual masturbation is still sex "

Not if you're an American President Malificence!?

Whats with the deleted posts?

MNHubbie: id love to tell you the deleted posts were 'too hot for mumsnet'. alas, no...

Belatedly coming back to this thread in answer to your request PP.

You described your situation as a problem and so presumably you are looking for a solution. Although I can't see what attendance at a Russell group university has got to do with emotional maturity, I'm sure you're right that your DCs are emotionally well-adjusted. That being the case, I think it's like Mal says; a 23 year old emotionally well-adjusted son will have the maturity to understand that just as he values his own sex life and his own privacy, those same rights should be conferred on his Mum and Dad. Hopefully he hasn't grown up thinking that sex stops in a long marriage, or when people reach their forties, so I'm presuming he knows and hopes that you and your H are still having sex.

Therefore if you really are feeling inhibited while he is in the house and that is having a detrimental effect, it seems you have three choices. Either you both overcome those inhibitions, put your sex life on hold for the duration of his return or confront the situation with tact and humour. Only you know what you are personally capable of achieving and what the different relationships will withstand. WRT to talking to your DS, I don't think it has to be a "heavy" conversation at all. Even a jokey "Your Mum/Dad and I would like a nice romantic dinner with a bottle of wine tonight, so don't rush back!" (said with a smile) would be enough to get the message home to any 23 year old, wouldn't it?

If this approach failed, then yes I would sit down with a son or daughter of this age and explain that adults need private time, especially in the context of having been used to having the house to ourselves while the DCs were at university. I think it's one of many adjustments that are gone through when adult children return to live with us.

But I think it comes down to whether you and/or your H are embarrassed to admit to the DCs that you are still having sex at all. If you are, I suppose you'll have to wait till they leave home again, take your chances while you can and perhaps get away for more short breaks and holidays.

Meant to say too - completely agree with Mal and SGB, that sex is so often presented to DCs in negative terms - and too little time is invested in celebrating and exalting the positives. It has been especially important in our discussions with the DCs that in addition to the messages about safety, responsibility, respect and fairness, we communicate that sex is wonderful and life-enhancing.

We will also continue to advise both of them against using it as a currency or as a weapon and are at pains to eliminate (and challenge) any beliefs that operate along gender lines i.e. girls should "hold out" and boys should "sow their wild oats".

I think it's a HUGE generalisation to say our dcs will have 10 years of therapy to get over their hang-ups if they aren't allowed to sleep with their BF/GF in the parents' house!

Me and DH slept in separate rooms at my parents' house the week before we got married. They didn't actually ask us to do that, it was just assumed and we respected their need for us to do that. My mum would NEVER have allowed me to have a boyfriend stay over. And I promise you I really, really don't have any hang-ups because of it.

As for my own dcs, I'm still considering that one, but I hope they will want to wait anyway.

Mal- do you think that me and my DH should have 10 years of therapy too?
My parents would not allow us to share a room at their house a few weeks before our wedding ( they live 250 miles away ) yet we were living together at the time, and we both 29!

You hussy Purple! ;) We had to have separate rooms at my parents until we were married despite me being at Uni and my now DW being an all grown up divorcee (or perhaps because of). I always came home (even if at 6am) when I was home at uni holidays and round DW's. Her parents used to be the same before her first marriage but decided sod it and just made us a bed up together the first time we went round there.

My parents couldn't bring themselves to change how they felt but decided not to fight it and when I came back for a grandparents' wedding anniversary and took my bags upstairs I found an office there my late mum just shrugged and said "we thought you'd be staying round DW's".

little brother and sister didn't have the same problem after WE were married. They got floor and bed in same room!

Definately do not believe in sex before marriage, and I'm not so sure of it in marriage either!

What do you believe in Comp, immaculate conception?

The only people I know in real life who "waited" are rabidly religious.

UnquietDad, that's because those who aren't rabidly religious tend to keep such matters private in real life.

Anyway, I am one of those people who waited (and yes, it was for religious reasons). So did the DW. Just to note that what slhilly said earlier accords with my own teenage memories (including those of my siblings). Much as I'd like to think that I didn't get any sexual experience that early because of the strength of my convictions and morals, I suspect really it was because I just wasn't particularly attractive.

My only sexual experience prior to marriage was a relationship which involved an awful lot of muff-diving; an experience for which I am grateful (and I hope and trust the girlfriend in question was grateful too - she certainly wanted a lot of it).

I got married at 25 and lost my virginity on my wedding night. It was a rather unmemorable experience. I have been very happily married for close to ten years now, and my marriage is very strong. We are, for the most part, very happy with each other and very committed to our relationship and our children. I have to admit though that sex is perhaps not a strength of the relationship, and I wouldn't be surprised if it dried up in the next fifteen years or so. My DW likes sex, and we have it regularly enough, but tends to be a bit down on our list of priorities.

Some of you may think that what I have written sounds dire. I do admit that it would be nice to have a sexual relationship with someone with whom I 'click' with in bed, as I do with my wife in all other respects. The truth is, however, that what I looked forward to, even when I was a hot and hormonal teenager, was a committed relationship with a woman: if you had asked me back then whether I would prefer hot sex in an unstable relationship, or average sex in a good relationship, I would have chosen the latter. Sex is important in marriage, but that is not to say that a marriage be built on sex. If I had, let's say, an unfortunate accident which resulted in my being gelded, our marriage would certainly survive.

I noticed an earlier comment from a person who said that people like me have insufficient experience to comment on their choices. If so, such a person has quite the wrong sort of experience to comment on mine: you are either a virgin at marriage or you aren't. I made my choice, and I have no doubt that it worked well for me.

"OP- I thought religion meant you had a choice not that it was prescriptive?"

Interesting interpretation!

Whatsall that was my comment- I am not religious though used to be _ Sunday school teacher and all that for years.
I understood- and correct me if I am wrong- that the bible ( talking Chrstianity here) was not prescriptive and open to varied interpretations on many matters. I thought a lot of what is in the scriptures was suggestive and meant you followed your own conscience.

I also thought- again, could be wrong, that it does not state tha sex outside of marriage is wrong.

And if it does, could it not be for reasons to do with fathering illegitimate children in pre-contraception times, rather than for any other reason?

Purplepeony, you're correct in that the Bible is not prescriptive (insofar that it is not a book of law, but a mixture of stories, histories and letters of advice), but the context is pretty negative whenever the subject of sex outside marriage comes up. I suppose that is why churches have taught for centuries that it is wrong. That in turn would explain why illegitimacy was traditionally seen as bad: it is a concept that doesn't exist in a great many cultures.

Thanks veryon- that confirms my thinking.

I do wonder if the bible stated that because of no contraception, as a means of limting child birth in circumstances when women could not support themselves.

As Isaid, I am not relgious anymore and do find it hard to understand why some people who are follow a creed rather blindly, possibly, without thinking through the morality and consequences of it themselves.

I have the utmost respect for anyone who can state why they believe in something having thought it through, but I can't respect anyone who blindly follows a faith and behaves in certain ways just because "they are told to".

Well, the theologians (leastways the ones traditionally regarded as worth reading) say that proper Christianity is faith seeking understanding. Put another way, it involves the acceptance of things that may seem mysterious, but which make sense as one contemplates them through one's life.

As for me - I hope that I think things through when I perceive a need to do so. ISTM that we all believe stuff without thinking about it, whether or not we are religious.

For what it's worth, I think various explanations have been put forward as to why the Bible appears to have a downer on sex outside marriage, but none of them are conclusive. The reason I was given when I was younger was that if sex was restricted to marriage it would ensure that the (previously virgin) husband and wife would have a special bond unique to them. That might well be true, but to my mind it's not a good explanation. First, what about people who remarry after being widowed, second, I reckon there are other ways to create that unique bond, and finally, church teaching about the place of sex in marriage is traditionally to do with sacrament, ie, quite a different thing.

I have to admit that if I were to turn the clock back I'd not bother with the no-sex-before-marriage thing.