Over the Shoulder Boulder Holster

[ItsGraceAgain]

How are you?

I was wondering that. Holder, though, surely?

You're absolutely right. My bad!

Hi Grace and Tortoiseonthehalfshell - thank you for your concern - I'm OK.

Just in denial I suppose - quietly analysing everything my dh says and does - trying to convince myself that it (the exemplary behaviour from dh) will not last and that I am going to have to be more pro-active. He is talking about getting a new puppy for my 7 year old ds, us going overseas in October, having the house renovated to perfection etc, etc, etc - it is exhausting to pretend that I am excited about it - I still have many moments where I think that I can it - I know I am only fooling myself and I am actually guilty of trying to sabotage our relationship, so that he would show his true colours, just so that it will motivate me into taking action - I am in a strange kind of idiotic limbo (self-inflicted) the other day I found some odd text messages on his phone - got exited at the prospect of him having an affair so that I could kick him out - found out later that my dd had used his phone to text a friend.

I still have many moments where I think that I can FIX it

What about all the abuse he has inflicted to you and his children to date?. The e-mail lists, you acting as his unpaid skivvy, his previous violence shown towards you, the hatred and contempt shown by him.

The harsh reality here is that you cannot fix this. You can only help your own self here and you are indeed fooling yourself. Your parents did indeed teach you damaging lessons here when you were growing up; the repercussions of which continue within you to this day (you thinking you can fix it for instance).

Oh, Over. I never know what to say to you - I don't want to remind you of specifics because I don't want to resurrect your fear that he'll find this and recognise details. But I do want to remind you because of the whole denial thing.

Can we help in any way? Like, would it be helpful to be gently prodded towards talking anonymously to a family lawyer just to get a hypothetical sense of your position should things ever...?

AttilaTheMeerkat - the emails are not so frequent anymore - he prefers to Skype me now and his 'tone' is better. I am still doing everything and am still unpaid - nothing has really changed - except maybe a greater awareness from me about the truth of my life - that is all I can cope with at the moment.

All that makes it okay then does it. His actions towards you still fills me with horror

Denial is truly a powerful force.

But you cannot deny the following - two generations i.e your Mum and you have already been profoundly affected/damaged by the actions of the men in their lives. Your children being this third generation are also being profoundly affected by your H's personality disordered actions and your reactions to it. You are the proverbial rabbit caught in the headlights.

What on earth are you teaching your children here about relationships?. Two words suffice - damaging lessons.

tortoiseonthehalfshell - I would like to ask you something please, if I may - when, on my initial thread, I recounted the incident with my dd, you said that you hope that I wasn't just doing it for puriest/puritist/ (can't recall the word) reasons - I am Afrikaans and I did not know what the word meant, so I googled it and was shocked to see what you were implying - maybe I understood wrong - what did you mean?

It's so hard to get there though. OVER knows. It takes time, and although it may be frustrating, the genie IS out of the bottle.

We all know it will kick off again, so does OVER. And we will be here to help at all the right moments.

In the meantime...OVER, do things to rebuild your self esteem, little things, nice things.

Grace, do you still have a copy of my original thread?

thisishowifeel - thank you - when I went to the chemist to get medicine for my ds1, I threw in a bottle of hair colour as well - I have used it on my hair and dh has not noticed, as it is a very subtle change, but I feel better.

Yes, I do

Very happy to hear from you! You must be finding yourself very tired by your current position - effectively holding two opposite viewpoints at the same time. Perhaps you need to do this for a while, but I'd like to reinforce your reality ... which means, in a way, abandoning a dream, doesn't it? It's terribly difficult. Glad you're remembering to treat yourself - and well done on the hair colour Did the kids notice?

Do you want me to find that quote?

"prurient"
I am certain that nobody thought you were trying to capitalise on the incident, Over! As you saw, some readers were so horrified by what they read, they wished to believe it wasn't real. The same thing has happened on some other, equally saddening, threads lately.

It's encouraging to know there are so many people whose lives are so very safe, they can't believe bad people really do bad things in this world. But bloody annoying at the same time!

Grace, this is what I got when I googled "prurient"

1.having, inclined to have, or characterized by lascivious or lustful thoughts, desires, etc.
2.causing lasciviousness or lust.
3.having a restless desire or longing.

Never mind - thanks for looking it up for me - I want to read my original thread again to remind myself that my life is not normal - I will send you an email (maybe tomorrow morning) if that is OK with you.

Sorry - forgot to add - my dd noticed my hair.

Cool about the hair

I thought it was an odd choice of word.

I've kept that email address open for you, will check it for the next few days.

x

Thank you Grace.

Over, I read your original thread and was really shocked and saddened by it. I just want to say that I think you are very brave in starting to stand up for yourself.

Keep talking to the wise ladies on here and please do not get lured back into a false sense of security.

tortoiseonthehalfshell - please, I do not want you to think that I am not grateful for all the time, advice and encouragement you have given me - you were there with me on the first night (right through the whole night), when I really needed to talk and your probing questions led me to realise the severity of my situation.

When I read your posts to me, I can feel your exasperation, but it never stops you from offering me help and for that I am really grateful.

Over, it probably wasn't the right choice of word - I certainly didn't mean it in the literal sense of lustful thoughts. How horrific, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't be so cavalier.

I meant that - well, it's not really relevant now anyway, but - I meant that I was struck by the detail with which you described the incident, and hoped that there wasn't an element of enjoying the drama, of on some level getting something out of the horror of the episode. You know, like people enjoy reading True Crime stories and things? I think of that as prurient.

But I do know that you weren't doing that, and it's just your writing style and a way of working through the actual reality of the situation. It was a fleeting suspicion, to be honest. I'm sorry it stayed with you.

I'm not exasperated at all, either. I feel for you, and I believe you'll do what you need to do in your own time.

OTSBH - glad you're still here.
In a kind of perverse way I am sorry that your DH has backed off some - better for you at the moment but the momentum is lost.

I can see that you are still not comfortable within your marriage however, and I hope that you will use this "down time" to start putting plans into place should things kick off again. Or even if they don't "kick off" - they just degenerate to a point of misery again. Work towards your escape as it were.

Keep strong - you know you are worth more than what you have.

emailed

Thank you Grace.

It's always a pleasure to talk to you, Over, and thank you for the lol!

Along with the physical isolation that abusers often inflict on their targets, there is emotional isolation. The erosion of support networks; the slow, insistent corruption of shame; the gradual twisting of duty. As intended by the abuser, his target becomes unable to speak honestly to anybody - that allows him to define her perceptions, her realities, to his own contorted preference.

Your supporters here know this, because we've been there - and are walking out the other side of Alice's looking glass, into the sunshine. It's why we're always happy to provide a proper mirror for your experiences, and why I'm delighted you asked for a copy of your thread.

I care about you and your kids, you know, and so do many, many others