Over the Shoulder Boulder Holster

[ItsGraceAgain]

How are you?

I have been lurking here since grace started this thread on Thursday. I was there on our original thread. I am rooting for you and thinking about you often.

If you can find the time, (while life is quiet) please try to read one or two of those books recommended) - will help you clarify things.

Sending you love, and yes, we will be here whenever you need us.

not our original thread but YOUR original thread.

For ref

wheel of abuse

and

cycle of abuse

Suspect you are in a cooling off period at the moment. But it is very likely to all start up again.

Thank you everyone, for your words of encouragement - I have not had a reply from the email I'd sent for legal advice - perhaps I sent it to the wrong place - I know this is dangerous, but I have been able to get legal advice from my dh himself. A friend from my dd's school is currently going through a divorce (I only found out about it last week) and I told my dh about it. I told him that her dh is being horrible about it all and I asked him what I can do to help her. We ended up having an hour long discussion about her legal rights! I asked him leading questions, making as if I wanted to know, so that I can give her advice, when in actual fact, I was fishing for info about what my rights would be when I decide to divorce him - he fell for it hook, line and sinker and told me almost everything I need to know - he has even offered to give free legal counselling to this lady. I now know that if I do decide to leave him, that our house will be legally mine (because he put the title deed in my name, when we first bought it) and that he will have no legal claim to it, even though he paid for it.

Hmm, you'd better pass the information on to your friend as well in case he wants to know what she said about it, or worse, in case he ever gets in touch with her directly!

Annie - yes, I will speak to her and tell her what he said - luckily he does not know her well - only ever met her and her dh at children's birthday parties etc.

Clever girl. At least you know your position is much more secure than you thought!

Well done Over.

Keep on trucking.

My SIL phoned me today - apparently my dh was a bastard at work this morning and she wanted to check that I was OK - we ended up chatting for a long time (he was in court, so she could talk freely - she works for him) and she ended up telling me about my dh when he was a child - she said that my FIL treated his wife like dirt and that my dh treated his mom like a maid - she actually started crying and begged me not to allow myself to be treated like her mom - her mom died young (aged 50), because she had had such a hard life. I told my SIL about the fact that I plan to leave my dh - told her that I don't know when I will do it, but that it is definitely going to happen - I said to her that when the time comes that I will need her help and she said "ABSOLUTELY!"

Then my dh phoned in the afternoon and we started chatting about his dad's latest drama (long, boring story) and he told me that his dad is too old to change and that he (my dh) has accepted that I will also never change - he has now accepted that he cannot change me - that he will have to live with the fact that the drawers and cupboards will never be tidy and that it is difficult for him, but he has now made peace with it - I just listened in silence to his little rant and excused myself, by telling him that I must go, because my ds3 is crying and needs me.

He has made peace with it, how good of him

Well done to you for keeping your cool!

I am pleased to hear that your SIL is supporting you, it sounds like she needs to get away from him too.

Good lord, this was one of those fateful days wasn't it, Over?!

I can't convey how happy I am that your SIL intitated this conversation with you - and that you were honest with her

I wonder if today's mini life review means H is heading for a meltdown? Is your escape bag packed, with a charged cellphone in it?

Stay cool. You're impressive

i've been thinking of you every day overtheshoulder. i am sa too and i understand what it's like living in the environment that you do. you do deserve better, you're doing really well, getting your ducks lined up and you're prepping friends to get ready. all the best, i'm sending you all the hugs possible.

crunchbag - I have yeeeeeears of experience when it comes to keeping my cool - it is a necessary survival tool.

Prolesworth - thank you for taking the time to find those numbers for me - I didn't know about the toll-free helpline.

ItsGraceAgain - yes, it was a rather fateful day - now that I am aware of the cycle of abuse, I can see where this is heading - I was very surprised when my SIL phoned me and I am very grateful for her support - as for the 'mini life review', it is not new - he has these 'acceptance' moments from time to time - it never lasts. My bag is packed, but I don't have enough money in it yet - my cell phone is always fully charged.

warthog - I received all your possible hugs this morning - nearly knocked me over - thank you.

I'm always happy to hear from you, Over, and especially this last week.

tortoiseonthehalfshell - I am also always happy to hear from you - my H (I'm not going to use the term 'dh' anymore) just phoned to say that he wants us to have a meeting tonight to discuss our future - things like renovating the house, getting a dog, going overseas, his business etc. .

what a fuckwit.

informing the employees of the Grand Plan no doubt. getting you on board, managing your expectations. except you don't get a salary, time off or to go to your own sanctuary at the end of the day.

Does this joint future by any chance include hiring some help to run the house and garden?

A dog, that's all you need. Long daily walks, muddy paws and hair to vacuum, and pplenty of jolly doo-doos to pick up from the garden. Because life is no fun if it's too easy, is it? (Of course if it's you wanting a dog, just make sure it's a guard-trained Rottweiler...)

You're really moving forward, Over! Great to see it and I'm delighted that SIL is supportive. Real-life support makes a huge difference.

"or to go to your own sanctuary at the end of the day"

warthog - when I spoke to my SIL yesterday, that was one of the things she'd said - she said that she can at least go home at the end of the day and that she feels sorry for me, because I have to live and sleep with him.

Anniegetyourgun - no, it does not include hiring help to run the house and garden - the dog is for my ds1 (7) - he is a lonely child and I thought that getting him his own puppy would help him, so the dog was my idea and I have reconciled myself to the extra work that it is going to involve, for the sake of my ds.

NicknameTaken - I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have my SIL's support - now it is not just in my own head anymore.

I've been reading through my original thread (which Grace so kindly copied and sent to me) and a lot of people made comment about how my parents had conditioned me, because of their behaviour when I grew up - I have to agree that it is true and I am not the only one in my family that has been affected by it - I have a brother (he is 11 months older than me) and he came to visit me a fortnight ago (he was away from home, on business - he lives 5hrs drive away from me) - he is the kindest, most generous soul I know - he is a soft spoken man who absolutely adores his dcs - he is also very good looking - while he was here, he confided in me that his life is a living hell - I was shocked, as he had never said anything to me before - I have never told him, but I've never really liked his wife - I found her to be very bossy - anyway, he told me that he is at the end of his tether - they both have full time jobs, but he comes home before she does and he cooks, cleans, does homework with their 2 dcs, baths them and puts them to bed - he does this every day and she has never once thanked him for it - she expects it - one day he arrived home a bit later than usual and did not have time to clean the kitchen properly and when she got home, she screamed at him in front of their dcs - when he later tried to explain to her why the kitchen wasn't done, she spat at him and said 'fuck you' - he got so mad that he punched a wall with his fist and injured himself quite badly - he says that she often treats him like that - I was aghast and asked him why he puts up with it and then I realised why - the same reason I have been putting up with my H's abuse - from what people who responded to my thread had said, I understood that if a boy grows up in a house where the dad is abuse and the mother is submissive, that the boy will most likely repeat the behaviour patterns from the abusive father - but in my brother's case, he is displaying my mother's submissiveness (is there such a word) - I feel so sad for him - he wants to leave, but is scared for their dcs, because of his wife's temper and controlling behaviour - I told him to try and get evidence of her outburst, so that he could apply for sole custody (if he decides to divorce her), but he says that her outburst are very unpredictable and it is virtually impossible to prepare for them - I cannot believe that we are both in this situation.

Over, I have a dear male friend who grew up in a household with an abusive (loud shouty critical) father and a mother who coped by using emotional manipulation and martydom as a survival technique. He ended up with an abusive wife, who will scream at him that he is a useless [expletive] who she loathes the sight of, and then she'll 'swoon' and when she 'revives' she will claim to have no memory of the abuse. She's thrown crockery at the wall next to his head many a time.

He finally left because she was cheating on him blatantly and refused to stop.

So, yes, men from those sorts of families can play out either role, I suppose. It's all very sad. Is it good for you to talk to your brother, though? Are you support for one another?

tortoise the half shell - I only found out about all of this 2 weeks ago - I want to support him, but I feel that I cannot, as that will make me a hypocrite - I did not confide in him about my situation - in a way I do want to, to let him know that I understand what he is going through - I did tell him that my marriage has also had its ups and downs, but I think he needed to talk, so I just listened. I don't think that I will seek support from him though, because it will be like the blind leading the blind.

Blimey In most ways, Over, I'm very glad this conversation arose - it bolsters your insight into your own situation and is, tangentially, still more proof of your predicament. You must have such painful empathy with your brother now!

Perhaps, after you have made your break, you'll be able to help your brother perceive his situation and his options. For now, I agree, you have to take a back seat. As they say in the pre-flight advice: "Secure your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others."

Sorry to hear about your brother's situation, even more reason now to get out with your children and break this cycle!

Regarding getting a dog, I fully understand your reasoning but please reconsider this idea for the moment. It is only going to complicate your getting away and you don't want to upset your son by having to leave the dog behind. I don't know how you are going to explain to h that you have changed your mind though, sorry.

Your doing great!