Over the Shoulder Boulder Holster

[ItsGraceAgain]

How are you?

Over, I can see you're doing what you can and need to, to survive. I think you're a brave, resourceful and resilient woman. You wouldn't have got this far otherwise and I hope you begin to trust yourself and your own intuition about what's best for you in this situation. Nobody here knows what that really is as we're not you.

I absolutely respect your need to do this in your way. It's really important that you have control over your life and what you choose to do with it. (I know I'm repeating what a lot of others have said but I suppose I want to reinforce it.)

Over, I've no doubt at all that you love your children. I imagine you love them fiercely and are wound up in knots worrying about them and how to protect them a lot of the time. I can really hear you're doing the best you can and that for a lot of the time, staying put has and sometimes, continues to feel the least worst option.

I also know that once you've had children with someone it changes any relationship. We become threaded together in a way that means it's difficult to untangle isn't it.

I want to add, I don't think you're a failure and there IS hope. There is nothing stupid, pathetic or wrong about you or whatever other judgements you may have about yourself. (I don't expect you to believe what I say but I want to say it anyway, just so you get to hear some other people's perceptions of you). However ashamed, angry or humiliated you may feel, you haven't brought this upon yourself.

I'm really sorry that you felt bouyed up with a 'false confidence' that then led to it all crashing down again. It must be like trying to scramble up an unclimbable mountain right now and then I was thinking, another way of looking at it - is you tried. Which is what you'd said you wanted to do. You wanted to give him a chance.

See, I think that's another example of your compassion and sensitivity toward him, your loyalty, committment and tenacity to the relationship. There's nothing wrong with any thing that you're offering, what's wrong is how he responds to it. You don't deserve to be anyone's emotional punchbag.

I'll say it again- One day, maybe you'll be able to offer those qualities to yourself. To be compassionate and sensitive to what you need, to be committed, loyal and tenacious in loving and knowing yourself and doing what's best for you.

Dizietsma, Over did contact at least one of the helplines. On their advice, she packed an escape bag and began squirelling away bits of cash. As her husband controls every cent of the household budget, the monthly pocket-money allowance she negotiated was potentially very useful in that respect (now rescinded, I suppose). She also - very cleverly - managed to get advice on her legal & financial position from her own husband! She had her wedding ring valued, as it's likely to be her only asset after makng the break.

Bear in mind, she has achieved all this in only 8 weeks after 'waking up'. Many abused women take 8 years to get this far.

Some people, especially those familiar with Over's home country, have offered relevant information and I'm sure it's all being used where possible.

Now and again, threads here seem to take a turn that reminds me of a crowd yelling "It's horrible in there! Why don't you get out, you fool!" ... to somebody locked in a dingy cell, patiently working out a plan to steal the gaoler's key.
The prisoner knows she's locked in; that knowledge doesn't opne the door.

You've mentioned that your own history informs the nature of your replies. I confess to the same. My father said he'd kill my mother if she left him. He was more than capable of it. She could, in fact, have left him: the rest of the story is complicated, but boils down to the fact there was no support for women such as her, or their children. Again from my own experience: the reason I never told anyone about the abuse from my XHs was shame. I believed people would brand me as weak, stupid, masochistic ... in denial.

Nuff said, probably.

From the Women's Aid website:
"Why doesn't she leave?"
Women and children need to know that they will be taken seriously and that their rights will be enforced. They need to have accessible options and be supported to make safe changes for themselves and their children. Resources and support they will need to leave safely include: money, housing, help with moving, transport, ongoing protection from the police, legal support to protect her and the children, a guaranteed income and emotional support. If a woman is not sure if these are available to her, this may also prevent her from leaving.

Grace, you said - "Bear in mind, she has achieved all this in only 8 weeks after 'waking up'. Many abused women take 8 years to get this far."

I agree. In my case it was over ten years and not as complicated as Over's situation.

All that reaching out and planning happened before the "he's not really so bad" episode though didn't it?

Fact is that there is help.

Fact is that leaving means you're strong, not weak.

I'm well aware of why women don't leave abusive partners, my abusive stepafther died in bed next to my mother. He destroyed her. He permanently psychologically scarred 5 children. There are many reasons people stay with abusers, but none of them make it right to stay with an abuser.

OTSBH you need to recontact these helplines. I really think you need to contact the police, but do understand your reluctance, so would urge calling a helpline at the very least. You don't need to do this alone and you will have a much better chance of actually safely leaving with good local support. Alone is much more dangerous than with support.

Years is too long. By then the kids will be well on their way to being abusers/abused as adults if not already.

It's clear from Grace's history and it's clear from OTSBH and her H that this is a cycle repeated down generations. To end it we can't wait years.

Hi

I'm not far away enough from my own experiences to offer general wisdom and have read no books relating to abuse. However, I am able to share my own experience and would like to say that I think you are doing really well.

It took me about 6-7 months from the realisation that I needed to end my relationship to actually doing so. I didn't have a house or children with my ex. In this time I tried all sorts of things to 'fix' our relationship before finally admitting defeat. It was almost like testing the hypothesis I had set. It sounds like this is what you have done Over. Hopefully you'll process the fact that it is unfixable sooner than I did.

I think it became final for me when I told people like family, colleagues and my boss. Silly as it sounds it made it real and I didn't want to then go back on what I'd said. You can't do this so you'll have to find the will power not to go back to him from yourself and here.

Obviously it would be better for Over to leave ASAP but her situation is more complex and she will need time to seek advice, obtain money etc
Over maybe you could keep on setting yourself small goals working towards ending your relationship.

The other posters have highlighted the need to move on for your own and your children's safety. I'd also really like to reinforce the fact that your life will be so much better when you move on in small and seemingly insignificant ways too. When I was single and when I met my current partner little things felt brilliant. A cup of tea in a cafe felt like I was on holiday! I kept saying 'I'm really happy'.
The stress of being in an abusive relationship makes you numb to life. You can't focus and everything is hard work.

I have a new baby who is breastfed and still wakes several times through the night. He was in hospital for several days last week seriously ill (is now fine), I still feel less tired than a normal day with my ex.

Really just want to say that you are doing well and keep going. Move forward in small steps as quickly as you can.

We can only advise and support, it's up to the posters here to decide on the action they take as a result.

dizietsma - "My intention has never been to give you "false courage" to confront your H. I have never ever advocated you confront your H. I have always urged caution, stealth planning and leaving."

You are right, you never did - I did that all by myself.

Over, all you did was have one last try to convince your H to show you goodwill, respect, love, etc... It was a perfectly logical move and it wasn't the wrong thing to do.

I doubt that confronting him has made you more vulnerable to your H, (you are already in a dangerously volatile situation) but I think it has helped you along this very painful process, - the one that will eventually set you free.

Can you set any plans in motion today? Is there anyone else apart from your SIL who you could trust to help you? Or will you just get that Women's Aid agency to get you out? All you need is to make that call, take your dcs, your documents and some clothes.

OTSBH is not in the UK, mumonthenet. WA is not available to her.

yup I know dizie, I meant the Agency which gives Women aid. (iyswim!) The one which she already contacted.

Prolesworth - thank you - I did make a note of those numbers you posted yesterday and I read the link you gave.

As I said before, I am denial (dizietsma can confirm this) - even though I know my situation is terrible, I somehow still feel that I will be taking advantage of the help offered by these various agencies, as I believe that they are there to provide for 'true' victims of violent domestic abuse and victims of violent rape - yes, my H is violent, but not to the point where I need to run away to save my and my dcs lives - yes, he rapes me, but not to the point where I am scarred beyond recognition, physically and emotionally. I have contacted the equivalent of Women's Aid here in SA and they gave me helpful practical tips on how to eventually make my exit - I have done what they have suggested. I did that before I tried to fix things with my H by being more assertive and demanding better treatment - I have not abandoned my plans - I've merely put it on ice. It just seems such a huge step to go to the police or to apply for shelter - surely those alternatives are only really meant for women who are in dire circumstances - I am not - life carries on here by me - much as it always has - my H is pleasant enough at the moment - I now know that this will not last and I am working towards a plan to cut myself and my dcs from him. I want to do this properly - not rush off to a shelter and live in squalor with my dcs (SA's agencies are overcrowded with 'real' victims of abuse and are underfunded and struggling). I do not want to add to their burden or traumatise my dcs by exposing them to that.

Over,

You don't see yourself as a domestic violence or "real" victim do you hence all the denial and downplaying of the ongoing violence you suffer. Those women in the shelters are now safe from harm, you are still not safe. Do you think you are not adding to their trauma by remaining with him?. What about you because you're traumatised by it all and PTSD is a real condition.

This is very real indeed and you are in dire circumstances. You've completely normalised all that is happening to you from the lists of tasks on A4 he gives you up to the multiple times he has raped you. You are completely downtrodden and he has really done a bang up job on you hasn't he.

My concern is that by the time you are yourself ready to leave perhaps another two or even three years will have passed with further suffering to you all in the meantime. The longer you remain there the harder it is to leave, the first step taken to leave is always the hardest.

How long do you think it will take you to recover from his litany of abuse?. Have you considered that?. Leaving him is only the first part of a very long journey for you and your children. It will take all of you many years to recover from this evil man's abuse.

Prolesworth - no, please don't apologise - I should have acknowledged your post containing the information - I neglected to do that, because I have to use stolen moments to post on here.

AttilaTheMeerkat - "How long do you think it will take you to recover from his litany of abuse?. Have you considered that?"

I have not thought that far ahead yet Atilla.

I did not think you had yet thought about the long term consequences of his actions and this is solely why I asked. It is something you will though have to consider at some stage after you have separated. I think you realise this.

You are trapped but you can still leave that prison of his. I just hope you do not leave it too late.

Atilla - no, I have not thought about the long term consequences - I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

iso - meant to say the other day - thank you very much for coming out of lurking and for your kind, encouraging words - thank you.

FlyMeToDunoon - thank you too for delurking and for wishing me well.

It makes me feel sad, Over, to see the efforts you make, without fail, to apologise for any perceived slight or omission. It's very sweet of you, and extremely diplomatic

I find it sad because it shows how anxious you are to avoid upsetting anyone. I used to be exactly the same! I hope I'm still polite, these days, but also hope I fight for my ground and piss a few people off now & again

It probably indicates how thoroughly your parents trained you, to be ... inoffensive. Unfortunately, that very quality leads many people to stomp all over you: if everyone were 100% considerate & thoughtful of others, the world would be a lovely place. It's not that lovely, though, and every individual has their own agenda to pursue. Most will pursue it at the expense of those they perceive as weak.

Is your brother, also, quite self-effacing? Have you & he ever had a conversation about it? Might be interesting.

Hope your weekend worked out OK. x

Hi again Over, I read your gentle message to me. I agree with Grace. (now, I'll try to make this message shorter. I know I can write too much!)

It's really kind you thanked me and it's really ok if you don't. You don't need to look after my feelings. Just your own. Like others, I will still be here, read what you write and listen to you.

I wonder if you're in what's called a hypervigilant state, a lot of the time. By this I mean, you're so used to having to meet other people's needs at the expense of your own, it's like you've heightened antennae that picks up the feelings and needs of others or what you perceive to be their needs. In order to survive you're hyperaware of other people's moods because to not be so, is psychologically and/or physically dangerous for you.

As I was reading your thread, I was reminded that Attilla is right when she says the first step is always the hardest and from what you're writing, it sounds like you'll take it when you're ready.

I know you don't feel it much of the time but I think you're doing fantastically. Really.

Hi Over, how are you doing today? We're all cheering you on and willing you to do this. It's great that you're taking the first few steps.

Just a word of caution, from my own experience. Yes, you've got to get the practical stuff in place, but don't wait until you feel emotionally ready to go. Do it when you know intellectually that you have things in place. Your emotions will take time to catch up. When you leave, you might feel stupid and guilty and that you're over-reacting and doing the wrong thing - that's very, very common. Sometimes it's necessary to bottle up your feelings for just a little while longer, until you're finally safe and can start dealing with them.

over i rememebr that trapped feeling, i did ahve good counsellor...i also didnt want to flee to a refuge - was diff in that i was workig so i suddenly saw i could rent my own place...it was a light bulb moment seeing a way out... you are clealry not in an underpriveleged situation - you must have access to friends/relatives who could support you financially, loan you money - knowing that your H has money and will owe you...

you will get our lightbhulb moment - th main thing is you at point of recognising things need to change drastically and you can only achieve this by leaving him...

OTSBH, i've just caught up.

i believe you're doing the right thing. i would do exactly the same in your circumstances. i really admire your strength, resilience and honour.

i do agree that your plan of playing the submissive wife while getting things ready is the right one, hard as it may be. it's best for your safety and that of your children.

sterkte.