Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

[missmama]

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

Missmama

I think it's worth giving him ONE more chance to cut off contact with her.

You need to give him an ultimatum. I don't think you've done that yet.

Please will you do that?

(And give him your letter at the same time).

He is (was) a good person He was fantastic with the older kids when they were little, I never bathed them or did bedtime he did all that for them.
I suppose he like a quiet life no confrontation, we have never argued. He will (would) do anything for me. He has always been prone to a bit of depression though and needed time to himself until he comes out of it.

MM...listen to what wwifn says

and do that googling

be prepared for the most massive lightulb moment, though

How's he going to feel when your 16 month old asks why mummy and daddy aren't still together

"daddy become obsessed with this Aussie bird that he met on a website."

"are they married mummy?'

"no darling, daddy saved all his money, left me and your brothers and sisters, quit his job and flew to Australia to be with her. But she turned out to be 40 stone with no teeth and lived in a caravan with 12 cats."

nancy...that is called karma, baby

That's what our distance and unhappiness is all about, right there! You are always thinking I'm having an affair

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.

10. You have trouble making simple decisions. 11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed. 12. You feel hopeless and joyless. 13. You feel as though you can't do anything right. 14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter. 15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.

oh Shit

I suppose 15 out of 15 isnt really a score to aim for

nope

Oh shit

Is he doing this to me on purpose.
I will kill him in his sleep if he is. How can you make a person feel like this?

MM, take some time to process this information

You are getting some terrible shocks today

Read around some more and please will you speak to someone in RL...just a friend or relative will do

You are going to drive yourself nuts

Onine support is one thing, but we don't know you, nor your husband

We react to what you say...but you need someone with some insight into what you are like as a person to help you through this

As regards to is he doing this on purpose ? Probably not...that kind of self-entitled, self-centered personality only sees things from their own viewpoint. He would probably deny to his dying breath any of this was "on purpose"

it doesn't change the "outcome" of being on the receiving end of it though...and that is what you should be focussing on now

I doubt he's doing it to you on purpose because I very much doubt he is even thinking about you at all. That sounds brutal and it's meant to - he is ONLY thinking about himself, NOT you, NOT his family.

Emotional affairs are horribly destructive - as you are finding out. Stop him destroying you - reclaim your self-worth and boot him off.

If he really wanted to make things better for you, make you feel better, he would stop contact with this woman - the fact that he won't says he doesn't actually care about your feelings except that you being sad and angry about it makes him feel guilty, and he doesn't like feeling guilty because it's uncomfortable for him - so his way out of feeling guilty is for you to stop mithering about this OW. Utterly unacceptable! for you.

FWIW, no I don't think he's doing this to you on purpose - and we've got to trust your view that prior to this, he was loving and kind, although I couldn't help note you only mentioned him doing perfectly normal fatherly things with the DCs as evidence of his kindness....

But he is in the grip of a kind of insanity at the moment and will do anything to keep his addiction going. That entails belittling you, making you feel as though you are the mad one here. My God woman, look at what you first wrote. You thought you were over-reacting. Scary stuff huh?

Naturally I want you to kick his sorry arse out of the door. Perhaps you still will. You do have some other options here though.

Does anyone else - that is friends, family, his boss or colleagues know what's going on?
You could actually enlist their support here. If someone he trusted and whom he has always connected with could snap their fingers in front of his eyes and said "Wake up, you prize dickhead. You're about to lose the best thing that ever happened to you. You're risking that beautiful woman and your lovely children for some idiot who plays PC games." Is there anyone you could enlist for support here?

If this has been happening within a wall of silence, it has never been exposed in all its ridiculousness.

If he's fundamentally a decent man, he will spend his whole life feeling horrified that he ever had the capacity to be this cruel.

But it cannot and must not go on.

Trust what we are saying and trust what you have read. Never doubt yourself or put yourself down ever again. This has taken its toll on your whole life.

I am going to get totally flamed here, but something doesn't ring true here.

Go on then

I suppose you are going to point out that nobody could be as stupid as I am?

Haven't had time to read entire thread just the first few posts.

This man is an emotional abuser known as a gaslighter.

He's also cheating on you.

If you do anything at all, get to counselling or find some real life support, preferably professional, for people who are with or have been with emotional abusers.

So that YOU can make a decision that is best for YOU and yours.

Because all he cares about is himself and his feelings, so it's time for you to start taking care of youself and your feelings.

missmama - i havn't post on here for quite some time, just lurked a bit, however, your letter moved me beyond words

i would just like to say that i feel you now need to think of 'self-preservation', your dcs need you more than ever and what ever you decide to do ie. chuck him out, try and save your marriage (only YOU can decide) etc you will need the strength to see your decisions through!

please talk to someone in rl - i bet you will be surprised by the support you will recieve from friends and family.

ok, that was the resonable me - personally i would shove the phone right up his arse, send her a nice packet of his skiddy pants and a copy of your bank statement and tell she is welcome to the dickhead!

Sorry MM, I am only going on my own experience and if I am wrong then please forgive me. But you actually do seem suitably angry and in control of what is happening with your H and know that you should get rid of him. But you are not.

I needed MN help so so badly when my world went tits up. But I didn't have the strength of tone that you have for about four to six months I was so traumatised.

I am sorry, again, if my thoughtsd are out of order.

Where is your husband right now? Is he at work? have you never thought of rining the girl in Australia and putting her right on a few things?

You wrote your letter on 20th April, yes? Was it a diary entry? Why are you still lying next to him in bed?

What a horrible situation you are in.

He may or may not be doing it on purpose. He might be a classic emotional abuser, or he might be so deep in denial about his own behaviour and what he is trying to hide from within himself that he is deluding himself as well as trying to justify it as your paranoia.

Either way, it is no way for you to live. From now on do not doubt yourself. be confident that your reaction is normal and more than justified! Trust your own self and instincts. If he is emotionally abusing you, you can prevent him by refusing to let him persuade you that you are in the wrong, and that his behaviour is acceptable.

OK money is tight - but you can get 6 free counselling sessions through your GP, I think - go on your own and bolster your self-esteem and assertiveness. Alternatively some areas offer 'Freedom Training' for women in abusive or suspected abusive relationships - ask your Health Visitor about it, or call Women's Aid - they may know if it operates in your area. Freedom Training is like counselling and helps you develop clarity over what is going on, and make decisions.

You confrinted him once and he managed to fob you off and rob you of your confidence to challenge him further. Have another go, but find the strength and support to stand your ground this time.

Do you have family and friends in RL to lean on? I had/have no family and that made it a lot worse. I hsad wonderful friends but needed MNetters help hour by hour almost. My friends all live away.

If you have friends and decent family they shjould be helping you.

Maybe the OP is not quite as traumatised as she might be because she has been telling herself this isn't an affair because sex isn't involved. (although it could be - they could be having text sex for all she knows).
So in reality she has only just realised how serious this situation is, and is probably in a bit of shock. Also her H is still there so the shock you had, UA, hasn't happened to her.

However - I can't understand how, missmama, you could possibly lie there in bed with him while he is texting her and getting replies! I just would not have put up with it, apart from anything else it would have kept me awake (and I am seriously grumpy if that happens)

20th April was a few days after my birthday.
The whole thing with my bracelet floored me, it really wiped me out.
I personally know how my memories and emotions work.
I will be mad for a little while and then forget the strength of my feelings and start to doubt that I ever felt as angry and as hurt as I did.
I did not want me to forget how I felt at that point because it just quickly fades to numbness so I wrote myself an email to keep it fresh whenever I read it. I had cut some passages from it also before I posted here.

I pretended to be asleep while he was texting her in bed to keep the peace and to not upset him again

So does anyone in RL know?

Does he have that one person in his life who has always been able to get through to him, other than you? A sister/brother, a friend or a parent?