Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

[missmama]

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

missmama no one thinks you are stupid, you love and trust your dh HE BETRAYED that trust, YOU ARE NOT STUPID

Seriously, do you have someone you can talk to in RL?? Please do it. It will make it real and then you can (start to) deal with it.

You must be afraid oh him physically hurting you. I am very sorry for that. Nothing less, than knowing that I would be physically injured would have prevented me from jumping straight out of bed and shouting and getting very upset with him.

Physical violence or the threat of it is not acceptable. Never mind about him shagging another woman, long-term, on the phone.

I have told nobody.
I think he has told somebody at work because he gave her an address I dont recognise so she can send 'things' to him.

He goes to his sister when he needs to sort his head out.
I might send him there with the letter the weekend.

what 'things' love?

Can you not speak to his sister? (I know this might be difficult. My ex-sister in law was awful and called me H's 'paramour' not wife) but could she be helpful in your case?

He really has done such a number on you that you would lie there while he conducts his fantasy affair, even going so far as to leave your bed and sleep downstairs!

No decent, loving husband would let his wife do this - tell him this stops now , he cuts off all contact and works at your marriage, or, he can leave.

He's a hideous excuse for a man, if you had a friend who told you her husband was lying in bed at night, texting another woman , what would you say to her?

Please start opening up to a trusted person within your social circle. If you cannot do that then speak to Relate on your own.

Not "I might send him there" either. Send him there, tell his sister exactly why he is gone in such a manner and before this weekend as well.

Indeed send him to his sister's with the letter (which he may ignore entirely and tear it up in front of you) and tell him not to come back either.

I actually understand you missmama.

My exh used to come home with phone numbers, text messages and prostitute cards in his pockets, the first few times I went mad and then I just shut down and didn't talk about it anymore, I knew he was being unfaithful nearly everytime he went out but I convinced myself that it didn't really matter, the family was more important and he was a good dad so it wasn't fair to break the family up.

I never would have thought it but there is a fair chance that in the later stages of our "marriage" after being conditioned for a long term to accept it I may well have just left the room rather than confront his messaging. I think it is called being disconnected from your feelings.

You are NOT stupid. The person you love the most in the world is crapping all over you, it is very hard to know how to deal with that especially when they are doing it right in front of you with no conscience, the drip, drip of information rather than the big shock exposure.

Do you get on well with your SIL and so would she be an effective advocate?

How did you know about the bracelet on Valentine's Day incidentally - and that it was the same as the one he bought you 2 months later?

Do you know the address he's given for his parcels from her? It would be easy to find out who lives there.

I don't know if this has struck you yet but you don't need proof of an affair to leave a marriage, you know. It actually doesn't matter if he denies anything. Your marriage is no longer making you happy. In fact, it is making your life a living hell.

I hope you took something from the Gaslighting article about what normal men in healthy relationships do when their spouse is full of doubt and in pain. They understand and do everything to remove doubt and offer reassurance. They'd do anything to take the pain away.

But not when they are in the grip of the insanity that is an emotional affair. Their allegiance has switched and the only person capable of arousing feelings in them is the affair partner at that point.

missmama - let's imagine for a moment that he really believes he has done nothing wrong. I think it's possible that he doesn't see any harm in what he's doing.

If taken at face value his actions are cold and cruel, but you say he's suffered froom depression. He's built up a rosy fantasy with a woman he will never meet, so probably doesn't think he has anything to feel guilty about.

I believe that because he hasn't (and most likely never will) have sex with her he doesn't see his actions as infidelity.

His ignorance is no excuse, but it doesn't sound to me that you should leave him - you're not in a good place yourself at the moment, are you?

You need to tell him what you know - all of it. Ask him to talk to other people about it and ask them to tell him whether or not what he is doing is wrong.

fortyplus - so if he tells some version of this to a few of his mates ( she lives on the other side of the world, its just a few texts/calls, my wife is paranoid) and they say its not wrong, then where does it leave the OP? She is very, very unhappy in this relationship - having a vote of people who think its ok/not ok is not going to help her decide what SHE wants to do

quite simply, if I had to recruit other people to try and persuade him that what he is doing is cruel and selfish, then I would think there was nothing whatsover to salvage from this...

I'm not suggesting a vote! Clearly he can't talk to OP rationally about it. She is in a vulnerable emotional state and it's hardly going to help her to tell her much-loved husband (whatever his faults) to pack his bags.

He needs to see the error of his ways. At the moment he's not comprehending the seriousness of the situation.

fortyplus...obviously he isn't comprehending the situation

he is a love-sick, deluded fool in the midst of a midlife crisis

oh, and pretty emotionally-abusive to boot!

he isn't going to comprehend anything, even if the next-door neighbour's cat puts it in words of one syllable !

I think shiney's plan of action should take the stupid-goggles from his eyes though !

It is possible that the Man you love is still there, although on present evidence it seems unlikely. There is an excellent site about midlife crisis midlifeclubforum.com/index.php that has a lot to say that I think you will find helpful Sadly there are fewer threads about reconciliation than splitting up but the overall message is to take care of yourself. His behaviour at the moment is utterly unacceptable. he dare he hurt you (and obviously also the dc) out of pure selfishness. The message on the site I have linked to is to detach; to let them go and sort out their own problems while you get on with your life. I can't think of a better message for you right now. you need to take time to think and to care for yourself.

If you lived close to me I would bring you a coffee and a biscuit right now. I bet you are not eating today. You sound so shocked by all the posts. Do you have anyone you could confide in? Ask him to leave (it does not have to be forever or attached to an ultimatum if you are not ready for that) and get yourself some space and peace. x

My parents came. Then theboys came home from school. So I am on the iPod now.

His sister likes me and would most likly give him a slap and a good talking too.
I don't want to split up with him. That is the last thing I want.
I don't think he realised that by saying he will keep talking to her that he has chosen her over me. JuSt that he wants to keep talking to her.
He is 44 so yes a midlife crisis. No long hair or motorbike but he has put his earing back in.

I'm glad you have soem RL support

have you told you parents about his affair?

i knwo that you dont want to split up with him. you want him to end this relationship and for everything to go back to " normal". But you must know that you cant make anyone else do anything. You can only decide what YOU want to do

do you want to go on living like this ? it seems to me that your husband is quite happy with the situation - its you who is unhappy. So you are the one who is motivated to change things.

I would hope that when you tell your husband that you want a separation because of his affair, he will decide to end it now and go for counselling with you to rebuild your relationship. But he may not. But at least you will know where you stand and you can start making practical steps to sort things out - housing, money, legal stuff, the kids.

And he will see clearly the choice he is making - his marriage and kids or the OW.

This might be useful to you.

I'm afraid the only thing to jolt him out of this fantasy is to take control and get him to leave ie pack his bags for him if he refusing to cut contact with this OW. You need him to hand over all his passwords, email a/cs, mobile phone etc. And get him to go to counselling to sort himself out.

At the moment he is in love with being in love, he is attracted to the feelings this woman has aroused in him and she has replaced you as his "primary" partner. It is complete fantasy obviously but it is still no excuse to put up with this behaviour. My DH had a major crisis (mid life or otherwise) and left me for an OW who he had only been actively seeing for a couple of weeks (quite unbelievable behaviour) - told me he was staying with "mates". I found out what he was really up to after about 4/5 weeks and the fantasy bubble was well and truly burst. I got legal advice and made him pack his stuff in bin bags. I can honestly say it was the worst time in our lives. We had a lot of counselling and he is struggling now to come to terms with what he did to me and the kids - he cannot believe he did it himself. He behaviour towards me at the time was vile and some of things he got up to was unbelievable. He says that at the time he just didn't give a damn about anything or anybody (including himself).

Please try and talk to someone in RL - people were extremely kind when they found out what was going on. Mums at the school especially one who confessed that her H had had an affair when her 1st DC was six weeks old - she had some very wise words for me.

Good luck and please try and take some control.

"I don't think he realised that by saying he will keep talking to her that he has chosen her over me."

Please, please point out to him that by continuing the contact he is choosing her over your marriage.

It is JUST possible that if you point this out, he will choose you, and cut off contact with her.

Maybe he won't of course. But no point assuming till you know.

I bet he wears a bandana, doesn't he ?

One with skulls on, or marijuana leaves

OP...I am getting the message loud and clear you are too frightened to talk to him properly and lay your cards on the table (in case he does leave you)

I am sorry you feel like that

But really...is this how you want to live your life ? How you would want any daughter of yours to live her life ?

What AnyFucker said. Print it out and give it to him. God MM I am so sad for you
Your diary entry has really brought tears to my eyes. No person should be made to feel how you do now. No wife of 22 years should put up with your H's cruel behaviour. He is incredibly selfish and a complete wanker for buying this present that's just a replica and means nothing to him.

You need to be strong for your dc and for yourself, preserve your dignity and don't take any more crap from him. I would advise you to speak to someone in Real Life (RL) and seek solicitor's advice re a separation/divorce to know where you stand (just in case). Make plans, see girl friends, do not lock yourself in, go out and be active. It's easy to hole up with a glass of wine and cry your eyes out, but getting friends on your side or telling a sister or confidante is going to make you stronger and give you new input.

Seriously, I would ask him to move out. He has forfeited his right to be with you now. Let him moon over that OW and face reality of living without you, in a bedsit, hardly seeing the kids because they will be disgusted at what he has done.

Please be strong and continue to post here for support.

Thumbs up for shiny:

"dropping her a line to check she has room for one stupid, sad bastard and telling him that he has to leave"