Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

[missmama]

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

I really feel for you. Please - you must put yourself first.
Your kids will suffer more greatly if they see their rock (ie YOU) go under because of what he has done.

I agree counselling could help and there will be loads of people on here to help. I'm worried he'll use this letter to wear you down even more, though so be careful if you show him.

Try to stay strong, you've done absolutely nothing wrong

Only a monster would fail to be moved by that letter

And therein lies your answer

You really need to find someone in rl who will help you. Is there anyone?

If counselling isn't an otion, can you get a friend to help you through this? Someone you can trust to listen to you and help you make decisions without discussing with other people? You are going to have to be so strong to stand up to your H

miss mama What was he like before he started this relationship? Has he always been bad-tempered and irritable? I appreciate that he is much worse at the moment - men involved in affairs give themselves away all the time by this classic detachment trick - but is this an aberration, or truthfully has this man always been selfish and prone to feelings of entitlement?

You don't need to ask him what he wants. He has already made it clear, I'm sorry.

Give him your letter along with his bags and keep his passport and take his keys.

Don't think past that point.

You will get through it, take 1 day at a time but do not let yourself be treating in such a dispicable manner. You are too precious for that.

Be kind to yourself and your ds's!

LMG...why take his passport ? So he couldn't go off to OW

Let him have it I say...extremely painful for the OP if he did jet off...but like a plaster over a scab... this thing needs ripping right off

At least this nightmare limbo would be obliterated in one fell swoop. That is what I would do...

We live in England
She lives in Australia - he knows how many miles away that is - as in How can I be having an affair with somebody who lives ?????? miles away.

He plays games on facebook that you need lots of members for - so I suppose that is how they became friends, she joined his mafia or poked him or whatever. They were friendly and chatting at first and he would tell me things and show me her photos. This was when their was a big dust storm over Sydney and the photos were beautiful and something about forest fires at the time too. Then he just stopped telling me things so I wondered what she was doing and logged on as him to have a look. Its so long ago I cant remember exactly what she had done or said but it made me stop and think. So I carried on checking every now and then and asked him and he just laughed it off and said it meant nothing or it was one of the games they were all playing, and one of them was that it was the way she was, she spoke to everybody the same way and was just a really friendly person, beautiful babes and kisses that sort of thing.

yuk....love's young dream eh ?

< puke >

AnyF You made me laugh

I would like to hand you a glass of wine and give you a big cuddle too

Your husband is a prize prick.

throwing his marriage away for some trollop he's never met and who he knows nothing about - but imagines he's in love with because she sends him sexy texts.

Stupid bastard. I know I've never met your DH but I really feel like I hate him.

What a sad letter. Does it open your eyes though?

I second WillIfeelnormal though in asking what he was like before this OW came along.

Nancy, I hate him too

I want to punch him in his stupid face

But he isn't throwing his marriage away, or hasn't yet, because he is being allowed to carry on with this affair and be married.

I can see why, missmama, because you still love him and want to stay together, but you have allowed him to have you both and that's what has to change or this will get worse and destroy your family in the long run anyway. Take action now as this isn't going away unless you do something

"Only a monster would fail to be moved by that letter

And therein lies your answer "

AF speaks true. Give him the letter. He should not be shielded from the depths of the upset that he is causing you. If he is unmoved, or blames you, well....as AF says....

Oh god, this is awful.

He is awful. Selfish, manipulative, cold wanker.

That letter is just so sad, I can only imagine how horrid this all is for you.

It's really astonishing that confronted with all this he refuses to stop. Any respect he had for you is gone, how on earth could he put you through this?

I relly hope you will be able to see this with some level of clarity - you need to take control here.

My own view is that demanding he stops contact, witholding his passport etc is pointless - he has to stop because he wants to, otherwise you just confirm all the things he will be thinking currently to justify what he's doing, that you are the problem and she is the answer.

You asked him to stop and he said no. It's now your call.

Please, please tell him to go. You deserve so much better. And being on your own is definitely better than this. Not easy by any means but having some control over your own life will be so empowering and help you to build back some of the confidence his despicable behaviour has erased.

I so hope you find the strength to do what is right for you x

You are all right of course, thats why I came to you. I just needed to be told.

Missmama, that letter made me cry, you don't deserve to be treated like this, get angry and use that anger to motivate yourself to take control. When I found out my DH was having an affair it was the anger that got me through it, how dare he treat me like that, was my motto. Let him see how hurt & angry you are, sometimes that can be a real shock to man who has previously walked all over you.

Be strong, he sounds like a bully, stand up to him for your sake and your sons.

The amount of posts I have sat through while mumsnetters help somebody decide how to move forward. And here I am on the receiving end of that help. How did I get to this

Well, what was he like before all this? You need to be honest with yourself about this because it's one of the most illuminating realisations you will ever have. Has he always had a cruel streak? Did he always have selfish and entitled tendencies? Has he ever caused you pain before?

missmama,

Your letter is very sad but you cannot bury your head in the sand now you are in the possession of further knowledge. Emotional affairs are very powerful things.

He is deeply involved in this emotional affair both of them are conducting (is she married as well?). He and his Aussie bit on the side are both as bad as one another and they are equally at fault here. Both of them could have said no.

You need to decide what you are going to do about your H and soon because he has told you that he will not stop contact with his other woman. I would ram the bracelet down his throat now metaphorically speaking by talking to a Solicitor about your legal position and subsequently telling him that you are now seeking legal separation on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.

I know you love him and all that but love alone is not enough in these situations and you're going to end up becoming very angry for being taken for a fool for so long.

May I ask how old your children are?. I only ask this as the older ones may well have picked up on the unspoken problems between the two of you. He's also hurting his children too by acting the way he does.

I would also think he has always been a difficult person in life to get along with and he sounds like a bully. This is all about power and control and at the moment he holds the cards. Take some control back, you can do so.

Missmama, I think the amount of outrage here is pretty telling.

You don't work? How old is your youngest?

The Dcs are 12, 9 and 16 months.

OP, re-read this:

"He called me stupid and paranoid the last time I tried to bring this up and really had a go. It really had me questioning myself and for a while I believed him that it was all in my mind. Until he did more. It makes me feel stupid and mad at myself that I let him do this to me. But I don't want to upset him by bringing it up."

And then google "gaslighting".

This is an affair and it is emotional abuse.