Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

[missmama]

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

If she's never met him, does she know he's married? that he's texting her from the marrital bed? Seriously, not on. You are under reacting, and FFS - you sleep in your own bed love, throw his arse out. (of your house)

Oh, and before you do, can you get on to his facebook account and get copies of their correspondence?

If he says he is not going to stop talking to her then he is effectively saying that she is more important to him than your marriage.

I think perhaps you may have given him the wrong impression by saying all you want is him to be happy... maybe that made him think he can carry on having both, and you won't mind?

I think you need to say to him very clearly that his relationship with this woman is making you very unhappy, and he needs to break all contact with her, immediately. If he won't do it, I'm afraid that demonstrates he has chosen her...

I am so sorry for your situation, it sounds horrible. You are NOT overreacting, indeed as others have said you may be underreacting.

Very much agree with normal above. Many men in physical affairs end it when the reality smacks them in the face - he has not been smacked nearly hard enough! (metaphorically speaking)

If this woman is in a relationship, let her dh know if he doesn't already. If you can remove the phone/computer from his grasp, do so and tell him you will be posting a public message on his facebook page telling him to end this schoolboy fantasy. When he realises what a twat he will look, risking his marriage for this, it might bring him to his senses.

I would save actually going public as a very last resort as its harder to rebuild a marriage if everyone knows the details of your misdemenours, I think.

Pah
I would do the same. You only hacked it because you had suspicions. When a person cheats on their spouse they forfeit the right to privacy IMO.
If DH had any sort of affair I would expect full access to his online doings for a long time after.
I think you have a good idea there Where does she live?

oh x posts - you already have. Nope, nothing wrong with that. You needed to know.

An emotional affair is one where his attention/affection is takn away from you and given to her.

Pack his bags and tell him to leave. You have been far too understanding so far...this idiotic fantasy needs the cold light of day focussing on it.

He is jeapordising his marriage...for what ?

Tbh, I would have more respect for him if he actually was shagging this woman.

What a romantic fool he is. Not someone that I would want to remain married to.

I'd be on the plane, with the kids to find the woman and warn her off! .
And he can pack his bags as well, but keep his passport so he can't go running to her.
He will end up the biggest looser in all this.

She knows he is married, because she has said before that she didnt want to do anything that would hurt me, she uses my name in conversations with him, he has told her that he has to be quiet because I am asleep next to him.
Their is no copies of anything, he deletes absolutely everything. My copies I read then delete so that he does not know I have them.

I am shaking again.
About to have another panic attack

No flaming from me that you hacked his account

The end justifies the means in this case

MM, you will be ok

Shock is setting in because you have had such positive validation that you are not over-reacting

read then print.

I've seen countless posts on here from hurt women who have snooped on their dh's phone/computer, found evidence of an affair, and are then scared to confront or feel guilty as if their snooping is worse than pissing all over wedding vows.

That is bollocks - there's rarely no smoke without fire, we women are pretty good as sensing these things,a nd it doesn't sound like he was being too careful covering up his tracks either.

He's in the wrong, not you. Don't lose sight of that in the arguments to follow.

I think we need a little more clarity on this then. Can you tell us how this started - who is she and how did they make contact on FB? Was it a friendship he was open about, until it crossed the line into emotional affair territory? At what point did he realise you knew that had happened? Just a bit unclear about what he thinks you know, iyswim...

I certainly haven't changed my mind to find out that you hacked his FB and bugged your computer and I doubt anyone else will. Better to know than just have overwhelming suspicions.

There may be no physicalness, but like others have said, it is definitely an affair.

He is being a complete arsehole by expecting you to allow him to carry it on as well. I'm sure he'd feel the same if it was you having the emotional affair He needs to be given an ultimatum IMO. That kind of life is not acceptable for you and your DCs.

And goodness me, don't EVER feel bad for snooping. All rights to privacy were gone the moment this started!

Ok your hubbie has done what I did to my parnter, I did not see the implications and was dragged into this fantasy of a new life.
All that aside we talked and nearly broke up but seeing how badly I had hurt him and what I had done and the fact he loves me so very much caused us to try again.
Your husband deserves a second chance but he needs to stay off the PC.
I think you two need to have a long chat, and keep talking, be 100% honest and yes I think he does need to surrender his passwords to you. OR just stay off the PC and change his number.
Falling into these traps are easy, the grass is always greener, when in fact it ISNT.
Your hubbie doesnt see what he has with you, he may feel like he wants freedom, when in fact its all a fantasy.
Talking is key and trust needs to be rebuilt or things WILL go downhill. Dont attack eachother, TALK.
I hope you work it out.

Also, the snooping is irrelevant if he's lay in bed next to you saying he has to keep quiet cos his wife is asleep next to him. You heard it with your own ears, no snooping was necessary for that.

this is an affair. its doesn't matter if they have not had sex yet.

he's not going to stop - he has already told you so. you cant make him stop

Are you willing to go on sharing a house with him while he is having an affair and treating you and his children like this? If not, you need to see a solicitor , get advice and ask him to move out

you are not ending your marriage - he has already chosen to do so. you would be ending a house/flat sharing arrangement, because that's what you have now.

I'm so sorry

do you have some RL friends / family who will support you emotionally and practically? you don't need to go into the sordid details, just tell them that your Dh is having an affair and wont end it and you are considering seperating

Oh I just reread what he said, that he will KEEP talking to her, in that case he made his choice, you need to leave him.
You cannot continue being with a man that is emotional invovled to someone else. This is going to tear you apart more than leaving him.
You have to kick him out, maybe he feels you are too weak (sorry) to leave so is walking all over you?
For your kids sake, get him out.
It's disgusting what he's doing, and trust me if he's sending her messages and gifts, she's sending him more than just a picture of her face.
Sorry but you have to get him out and move on. your kids need you to be strong, not weak and controlled by this.
Good luck

When you ask him to make a choice, you need to make it clear to him what the options are. Because he's chosen to do nothing.

It isn't as simple as 'leave him, sod him, kick him out' because this is a relationship, a committment. You have given years to this and are raising children. Only you can decide what the options are for you.

But for there to be even the remote possibility of your marriage surviving, the choice has to be you and only you.

The fantasy of a far away love and the pleasure of the illicit is fairytale land. Make him wake up and choose.

You deserve to have a husband that deserves to have you.

And yes, please, talk to somebody in rl about all of this. You need some support.

He's being a disrespectful prick. React more. And when you do, remember you did nothing wrong. You are not at fault. Your snooping is not the problem. Your confrontation is not the end of the marriage. Don't let him make it about that.

Also meant to say that the OW is playing that classic OW/OM trick of appearing to be a nice decent person who is worried about hurting the betrayed spouse. He probably thinks she is such a caring, nice person to feel that way. It is a game and as transparent as a transparent thing.

She is not being kind, or decent or anything of the sort. However, to keep up this charade she has got to pretend to be be horrified that you are being so badly hurt. Which is where full exposure comes in - then it's shit or bust.

Is she single?

Firstly, you are not overreacting.

how did he "meet" this woman?

What he is currently indulging in is a fantasy. Not a fantasy in terms of the hurt it is causing you, that is very real and should not be dismissed. But in terms of the "relationship" he has with this woman, with the texts he is sending her, the time he is spending talking to her on facebook and the phone and what not, is all a fantasy, because it can never be real - they can never be together, so whatever feelings they supposedly have for each other can never be realized. And that is what I would tell him.

It is very easy to get caught up in the moment with someone over the internet and to develop feelings and emotions you might not do if you were in the same situation in rl. Because people can write whatever they want on a screen, and it's much easier to say what you think people want to hear, and thus for the person on the other end to be moved by it and think that they've found a common ground iyswim. The difference is that it's just words and that whatever she's saying to him, she could be deleting and re-deleting her words until she gets them just right, to put them in the way that she knows will make him feel the way he does, and he most likely does the same. So it's a false reality - nothing is spontaneous.

The fact that he doesn't have a physical relationship with her is irelevant. Currently he is giving the emotional side of him that should belong to you, to her. And I would bet that even though they don't have a physical relationship, they still talk about the one they would have if they were together.

SGB is right in that you can't make someone love you if they don't want to. But that doesn't mean that you have to stand by and watch him with someone who is actually just a username/address in his mobile phone.

So I would give him an ultimatum. Say to him that you will not indulge his fantasy life any more. That he is going to end up in a very sad life if he spends it at home on his computer talking to someone he can never have, but that he needs to make a choice between doing that and having a real life with you or your children - he cannot have both.

And then say he ends the relationship, deletes his facebook account right now, or he moves out, right now.

What do you know about the ow? is she married? Does she even know that he is married? I know at least two people who had similar affairs to this, and because it was all conducted online the people involved had no ideas that these people were married/in long-term relationships. It was almost like living a double life.

Lots of good advice here, all boiling down to one main thing: TAKE CONTROL.

YOU need to be in the driving seat now. Be calm, be aloof, be totally straight with him.

Say to him: "If this does not stop NOW, the following will happen... You must leave this house. You will no longer live with me and your children. I will be actively considering divorce and will begin practical steps to make us living apart a reality. I will no longer be your wife. We will no longer be a family. Even if you do stop and continue to live here, you will have along way to go to make this up to me."

He needs to have a metaphorical bucket of cold water thrown over him,