Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

[missmama]

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

Yes OP, things change when you take control. You don't want this to go on, do you? You want things to change, don't you?

Hope the panic attack has subsided

And everything else Wannabe said

Oh, gosh, OP you poor thing.

I think he doesn't understand that there's a potential ultimatum here, because you've not said so, but I do think you need to decide your own boundaries and then enforce them. This is utterly cruel.

What does he think you know?

missmama

So sorry for you.

Don't waste time feeling bad about the snooping. What choice do you have? It is massively the lesser of two evils.

You are not alone. I read my husband's emails all the time (shh, don't tell him) and would only have found out about his affair by doing so.

Be careful about how much you reveal about exactly how you snoop because otherwise you will lose your only way of knowing if he is telling you the truth.

It's not nice, but there is no choice when you live with a liar and a cheat.

Please do read the good advice on here and get the Shirley Glass book (as a start, you can read some of things she says on her website...). Don't lose hope, but I know that the only chance of proper healing is to get this woman out of his/your lives immediately.

So sorry for you. I know how horrible it is.

Ok
I am back and feeling better.
I have had a cup of tea and a cuddle with DS as he has just got up from his nap.
You are all right. I need to do something. I just need to decide what it is that I want.

Me Me Me for a change.

I am going to go back over the posts and answer your questions, so ask what you want, I need to say it all I think. This is the first time I have 'spoken' about this to anybody.

Are you OK missmama? It can be really shocking when you hear the reactions of others to a personal situation that you've been living with for some time and adapted to.

You sound really strong to be coping with this in the way you have been. Keep focused on what you want and deserve for yourself and your DC

I cannot believe how long you have managed to put up with this behaviour. Were you hoping it would peter out and he would return to your family?

Sorry

I want to know how he knows her? Did you become suspicious of his behaviour at the PC and decide to do a bit of snooping? Where does she live?

Your husband sounds like a very selfish man

Glad to hear you're OK and feeling less panicky. What an awful situation to be in. You do sound very strong though and there's masses of support on her for you

You will get no censure from me for hacking into his account - bloody well done for doing that and at least finding out what the hell is going on.

What an absolute arse he is. It is disrespectful to you, and to your children.

He is having an affair, it is not 'just' a friendship. So his choices are end contact or else your marriage is over. There is no halfway house of him still talking to this woman but remaining in your bed.

hi missmama, the only reason they are not having a sexual affair is because they are on opposite sides of the world, not because he loves or respects you and wouldn't do anything to destroy your relaationship.

I think your relationship is already over, and you need to reclaim your self esteem and make a better life for you and your children without this worthless loser.

No, I do not think you are over-reacting. But it's a funny thing, this cyber-escape, and reading your post made me feel guilty because I have, in the past, had that intensity of relationship with a discussion site like MN. Glued to the screen, late at night, missing family things because I was enthralled in some drama, giving support, and sometimes sending money or gifts or hand-me-downs to posters. And all the time what I was really doing was taking refuge from myself and my life. I was depressed. I was bogged down. And addicted, or using it as a distraction, or displacement. To a certain extent I could re-invent myself, be a nice online person who people liked and laughed with.

He can't have a 'proper'relationship with this woman (unless the deception is greater than you think), so it is some sort of escapist fantasy for him.

But he needs to address it seriously. Delete her, and maybe the two of you go to counselling? Get a grip of his RL with both hands, and understand what it is doing to his wife and family. If he carries on, I don't see it as the big sexual betrayal and infidelity) (I bet that isn't the way he feels it, either, but more a sort of escape like betting or drinking) but rather the slow bleeding to death of his RL marriage. If you want him back, go and get him! Talk with him about working together to bring him back 100% into your lives together. Look at any joint factors that may be making him feel in a rut.

I wrote a letter to myself weeks ago about all this.
I am going to post it here. It was to remind myself of how he had made me feel recently.
I will just take names out.

You cant feel any worse than you do right now

so PLEASE stick up for yourself and give him some shit, he is behaving disgracefully and I hope the feedback on here shows that to you

maybe this marriage had died on the vine (I am so sorry to say that) and maybe it can be saved

But until you kick him into touch,you wont know will you?

I am so sorry, I can read how upset you are. But this is MARRIAGE and he is breaking your contract and I want you to start feeling angry and make him realise how much he has to lose

20th April 2010

I am writing this to remind myself of how I feel.
I have not spoken a single solitary word to anybody in real life. And I really think this will help me to understand or figure out what I should do.
The first thing is that DH needs to know how much I love him. He and my boys are my world. Nothing else matters to me.
I really think that if it hadn't been for my children I would have left months ago, All I wanted at the beginning was for DH to be happy. He works so hard and is so miserable and angry all the time. I get really scared when he kicks off and worried that when he storms off after blowing his top one of these days that he will not come back at all. It was really bad the day before mothers day when I called HER his girlfriend to his face, I really thought that was it then. especially when he didn't come home the next day either.It was the worst mothers day ever. It was totally fitting that the plant he brought home died the next day. He really hated me then. I never saw him or had any messages from him. For the first time ever I never had a mothers day card or present, I don't even think that he realizes he was supposed to buy them from the kids. I was so surprised to see him come home I really thought that he had left us and that it was all over.

If it was just me and DS3 I would have left by now. But the bigger boys really don't need to be unsettled like that DS1 is worried enough at the moment as it is, and DS2..... I dont even know what he thinks and feels. I don't think he notices he believes me when I lie to him that daddy is at work or just tiered or just gone to bed. It helps i think when he works really long hours.

I need to write about HER. It is really serious they love each other. I am crying now.
She has my bracelet
No I have her bracelet she had hers first. I cant believe he bought her jewelery. I threw up when I saw. I had a panic attack. I haven't had one of those for years. I am getting nose bleeds from the stress and my hair is falling out. I cant sleep.

And when he texts her or facebooks her when he is lying in the bed beside me I die inside. He does it a lot. he sleeps with his phone in his pocket of all things thats how bad it is.
And he bought me the same bracelet! I cant even take it out of the box without crying. he bought me the same thing for my birthday that he had already bought his girlfriend for valentines day.
We have been together 22 years this week. He always does the dates and the reminding as he knows how bad my memory is usually I do know but I love the fact that he remembers. But either he hasn't remembered this time or it means nothing to him now.

We havnt had a conversation for god knows how long that wasnt about mafia wars or dinner. He wont even sit in the same room as me. He flinches when I touch him. He has always said I love you on his way to bed no matter how bad things have been before. He stopped saying it weeks ago. So I started to say it first and he ignores me.

I am crying again. in the last week he has told me that he loves me twice and I tell him thank you for telling me and I love you too. But I feel that he is forcing himself as in oh shit I think I had better say something in case she kicks off again.

Its really bad isnt it. Reading it back I think its over I need to ask him what he wants out of life i think. I am so scared that the answer will be not you.

They text each other all the time. I dread to think how much money he is putting on his phone and sending each other pictures.
I think I need to leave but I can't I love him too much. But this is bad for my health I am depressed and crying all the time It is really had work just to get the energy together just to have a bath. and when I do I have to take DS3 into the bathroom with me or he just shouts at him for playing and that upsets DS3 and makes him do more things that upset DH.
I can't blame her. He hasn't even met her. And hopefully never will. She is pretty thin rich and tells him how handsome he is. Which he is but I don't think I have ever told him that.
He called me stupid and paranoid the last time I tried to bring this up and really had a go. It really had me questioning myself and for a while I believed him that it was all in my mind. Until he did more. It makes me feel stupid and mad at myself that I let him do this to me. But I don't want to upset him by bringing it up.
What happened to me I used to be a strong person. Now I am just this stupid fat lump who can't cope anymore.
When I was pregnant with DS3 he said he had never been happier how did we get from that to this.

God, what an utter wanker. To lie next to you texting her.

You are not overreacting. Not at all. And I don't blame you for snooping.

Take your time. Think about what YOU want.

Do you have anyone in RL who you can talk to?

Just prink this letter off

Give it to him without a word and tell him to go

Oh my love, your post made me go cold. This is classic emotional abuse. It really is. Please go and speak to someone for counselling, I did, and it really helped me see what I'd been living with. I'm so much happier out of the situation I was in, it was honestly like being tortured.

I also couldn't sleep and lost hair, a year on it's all back and I'm so much happier without that stress. How can you really love someone who treats you so cruelly?

Missmama
(((hugs))). I am so so sorry. Reading your last post, it is so sad. I want to slap your H, I really do.

Could you let him read that? If that letter does not bring him to his senses, nothing will.

Agree with AF.

This isn't some poor sap in a humdrum marriage who hasn't been able to help himself and has ended up in over his head (not that that would be forgivable).

This is an aggressive, controlling pig who needs the shock of his life.

You poor thing. You are NOT responsible for any of this.

You do need help. Sounds as though this is going to be so hard for you, you need someone to help you through this - friend or counsellor/life coach if you can afford it. You and your DC don't deserve to be treated like this.

Missmama

You deserve so much better than this.

You must speak to a friend/relative in RL

You sound in no fit state to carry on like this

I am so, so sorry

That letter brought me to tears

MisMama - I don't know where to start. You are not happy and you are worried aboout him being happy, that you are overreacting or that things are all in your head? The self-doubt that these men cause is the worst thing. If he had not done this to you, you would know that you should not put up with this.

The anger, his moods, his frustration, it is all part of him blaming you in his head for anything wrong with his life, for keeping him from her et etc and the fantasy of her and the better life he probably thinks he could have with her is incredibly hard to break.

At least you are hopefully now facing reality. I'm so sorry. One way or another it gets worse before it gets better - but it does get better once you take control and stop feeling like you are just a pawn in someone elses life. I'm amazed you've managed to put up with this for so long without cracking up - well done.

No counselling. We have no money. I scrape by for food and nappies.
Thats why the 2 bracelets were a double blow. The fact that he was sending her jewelery and the fact of the cost. He would not usually give me jewellery and never something that expensive before. I have seen both reciepts identical apart from the dates 2 months apart.