Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

[missmama]

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

You should not stop checking.

It is very, very shit that even after being thrown out of his house he is still online with her.

What communication have you had with him today?

Hi you're doing really well IMO

Would definitely go for some space here so you both have time to think

Remember that nothing has changed in terms of OW / his treatment of you and his committment to the marriage except that he has been asked to leave and will now be in shock.

xpost at what he is doing

tbh he sounds like he has absolutely no idea what he is doing at the moment and I suspect he will act completely randomly for now

I'd recommend you keep your distance

Have to agree with Furious

My heart sank when l read last night texts,

you did not come across as suitably serious or resolute in his banishment to hi sisters.

he's keeping his options open clearly.

how 'shocked' could she possibly be anyway... what did she think would happen?

missmama, i'm sure you (as indeed all who have read this) hoped him being asked to leave would shake some sense into him but i think the texts saying goodnight etc may actually enable him to continue behaving this way.

it's not about punishing him, it's more about protecting yourself.

I really don't mean this to sound hurtful but it sounds very oddly as if both you and dh are not really taking each other/the marriage seriously.

I can't really explain it, I suppose he is lost in a fantasy world there and you are shell-shocked.

It is quite a serious business with all the consequences but he comes across as if your RL is the fantasy, ie to this OW: "Send me a message to let me know what you think about it"?

what you think about it?

perhaps the seriousness of the situation has to sink in with him or be communicated to him something.

Hope things get better somehow or other

"I know you're sorry"!!!
But you know that he is anything but sorry if he is still online with her...and even though you didn't know that when you texted, until he has demonstrated that he has made it clear to her it is over, severed all links and game playing, and shown that he intends to behave like your loving partner, then you really have no idea whether he is sorry or not!

Sorry for HIMSELF, yes, lying around drowning hi sorrows, but so self-pitying that he messages HER for support!!!

Tell him what is needed of him, and refuse all contacat and sympathy until you get it.

missmama - there is as you know a big difference in saying sorry and demonstrating that you are sorry by ceasing the behaviour that required the sorry.

You know that he is "sorry that you are hurt" by his behaviour, BUT he clearly expects YOU to do something to make it ok, i.e. to stop being hurt by it so that he can continue.

He is not so sorry that he is going to stop contact with OW - and until he is that sorry then you are in no better position than you were before.

At the moment he is only sorry that you have decided to throw him out - again, he feels that the answer to that is that you have an attitude change and come to your senses, let him back home and things can go back to normal, where he gets to do what he likes and you suffer in silence.

Stop with the "I love you" texts as well - because at the moment they are counterproductive, as others have said.
In fact, if you carry on giving him love and support while he is out of the house, and give him the impression that he is welcome back, he has just got a little break where he can have unlimited contact with the OW.

He is not sorry for his treacherous behaviour with the OW.

Keep contact civil, not loving. You have to freeze him off so that he realises there is a very real chance of losing you. That what he has already done and is still doing may well have destroyed his cozy little set up, and that he is going to have to deal with the consequences of his irresponsible actions.

Glad you had a good day, btw - but am suspicious that he didn't come for any stuff today - looks like he thinks he'll be coming home very soon.

Pack a bag for him, if you haven't already done so (it's not a loving wifely thing, it's a "get out and stay out" thing) and if he doesn't come to pick it up, take it to his sister's for him.

The message was good in the first instance - don't dilute it by being ambiguous now. Stay strong!

great post thumbwitch

Grumpy Grace alert. (Missmama, I'm supposing you won't see this until tomorrow.)

I understand how you're still reeling from shock - the instinct to "carry on as normal" is almost overwhelming. I know, I've been there too often. That instinct is MISLEADING. Things are normal, everything has changed and will never be the same again. The quicker you take that on board, the less haeartache you will suffer.

It sometimes helps to change everything; just change stuff for the sake of changing. But stop acting like this is bad weather! It will not blow over, it is a permanent change. Start looking forwards, not back.

You've been given good advice about not pandering to your ex but it doesn't go nearly far enough. He is over. You realise he's probably invited himself over to see Miss Facebook, don't you? I advise letting him go. In fact, buy his ticket and visa. You don't need a waster like that around, contaminating your life.

He's selfish, self-centred, immature, idiotic and most of all, MM, he's CRUEL. Is there any reason why you would choose cruelty in your life? No, so get rid.

All the "making him realise" stuff on your thread is an exhausting, time-consuming effort. If you succeed, you will then have got yourself a brand-new, different relationship - with a man who held his first wife in utter contempt, disrespected her to the point of abuse and had to be forced to admit to any wrongdoing. And that wife was you. Why would you want him?? You can have so much better.

Hrrrmph.

Very apt description of this behaviour as cruel, ItsGraceAgain. MissMama think of your children and what sort of messages you will send to them if they realise what this man has been up to and getting away with. He's not exactly being faithful to, or interested in, them, is he?

If he had any respect for you or any intention of sorting your relationship out, his first port of call would NOT have been the facebook floozy. Until he puts you first, get rid. And depending on how long it takes him to put you first (if he ever does), stay rid!!

What is he sorry for? He may be sorry that your relationship has ended. Perhaps you've done what he has wimped out of.

You need to put your own happiness and that of your children first. Forget him for now, he has been the cause of misery and stress. You need to recover from that first and foremost. Anything else must wait.

missmama - I kind of know how you're feeling up to a point. Years ago my fiancé buggered off with OW 3m prior to our wedding - I spent a while assuming he would come back again and wondering if we could work it out if he did. Luckily for me (in hindsight, not at the time) he never gave me the choice.

It may be too soon for you to contemplate this as being anything other than temporary but I think it would be a wise idea, as someone else said earlier, to plan for the worst (at this stage, nothing wrong with hoping for the best but be prepared for it not to happen).

A good friend once told me that a relationship is like a china ornament - once it's broken, you can glue it back together if it's worth enough to you, but it will never be the same again. To glue it back together though, you need all the parts - and if half the parts are missing you will never get a whole relationship back. So - your DH has to wholeheartedly want to glue it back together - or the gaps will make the whole thing collapse again in no time.

You've been together a long time, I know - I had only been with my ex for 11y and that was hard enough - but others have done it and managed. Maybe start another thread asking for people who have been in 20+ y relationships that have broken down - how did they manage? I know there are at least a few on MN (some already on this thread, I think).

Lots to think about - keep taking little steps for now but keep going in one direction - forwards. (((hugs))) to you - you probably need them.

MM, Thumbwitch is right - you need to start thinking about your future even if it is the worst case scenario, for your own protection.

Your mind must be so messed up by the constant fear of him getting in touch with the OW and I'm surprised you've been able to get on with everyday life. Surely you can't keep on with this farce?
He's addicted to the fantasy, as if his life is a computer game. I'm not trying to explain his actions but it might be good for you to realise that he is an addict. Unless he can tell her its over and go cold turkey, I really don't know how your relationship will ever repair itself. He is so deluded and has absolutely no idea of the pain he's causing you. You have to break contact with him for a while to repair yourself IMO. No more "i know how sorry you are" conversations - especially when he's still in touch with her.

My mum and dad have been together for nearly 40 years, even though my Dad had a brief affair about 20 years ago. She decided that they should stay together because their love is so obvious, they are just meant to be together (I know, it sounds very Mills and Boon...),they gave us a great childhood because of this. I don't agree with what he's done, but he adores my mum and she's totally in control. I think you need to be able to feel that love from your DH if anythings going to change. By not giving up the OW he's taking your control and - more importantly - your happiness away. He, therefore, can't really love you, I'm afraid.

You need to feel happy again, for the sake of yourself and your DC's.

"You realise he's probably invited himself over to see Miss Facebook, don't you?"

Yes, thumbwitch is right. What he will have done is told Miss Facebook that he's decided to do the honourable thing and break free of you so that he can see her properly and in person, and is thinking of coming over to Australia so that they can consummate their love.

He's not told her that you've kicked him out. He's told her that he's left you.

Just think about what that says.

He is living a fantasy, an emotional affair is an addiction. I am not at all surprised he has been back in contact with her. Keep looking, keep yourself informed, but at the moment this separation is for you and dc. For you to care for yourself and have some time. Try very hard to detach from him and his muddles at the moment and focus on you. How are you? Have you managed to get RL support? What are you and children going to do this weekend?

Keep interaction to perhaps asking him when he would like to see children that is when he would like to collect and return them and then plan out your next few days. Can you get to the sea? A brisk walk and fish and chips might take care if one if the days. X

Sorry if im reading too much inot this but what does she need to think about? is he planning a trip?
he sounds like he wants it all and not sorry at all tbh. I would be threading very carefully and gewtting the point across what he has done is way out of order!

My head is constantly on 'filling in the blanks mode', when you wrote his text to her, two scenarios came to mind

Scenario 1

You sounded shocked - when I told you that my wife deems this to be an affair and has kicked me out

Let me know what you think - If it is an affair and how I should handle the situation

Scenario 2

You sounded shocked - when I suggested I go over there or you come over here

Let me know what you think - let me know what you think

Personally, I think the latter is more plausible and would be my first instinct if I were in the situation

I'm sorry you're going through this MM, read back on your letter before sending him any more 'I love you' texts, he's fucked you about, don't let him continue to do so

If he wanted to go over to see him, and she said no and dumped him, would you take him back? Bearing in mind in that scenario he hasn't actually chosen you over her. Sorry if that's blunt, but it might end up being the decision you're faced with.

"to see her"

To quote thumbwitch - "You've been together a long time, I know - I had only been with my ex for 11y and that was hard enough - but others have done it and managed. Maybe start another thread asking for people who have been in 20+ y relationships that have broken down - how did they manage? I know there are at least a few on MN (some already on this thread, I think)."

This is me, read my posts, it is so hard to cope losing someone who you have spent most of your adult life with. I have good days and bad, but I keep plodding on and hope there is light at the end.

A just want to tell you all how awesome you are, helping me through this, giving me courage and enabling me to see the truth in my relationship.
I would never have come this far without you all.

Hang in there, MM
You are a wonderful woman! Please treat yourself with the respect you deserve - and stay away from anyone who doesn't.

MM - long time lurker here and just wanted to send you support and tell you how much i'm in awe of you for having the courage to kick him out.

I know from experience this will be hard to maintain, but for your own sanity and peace of mind, it's better to have short term pain for the long term gain.

WWIFN will be back to tell you how to get through the forseeable future. Her advice is so so good you'l do well to listen very carefully.

Keep posting and keep strong