'But We Took You to Stately Homes' Part 2...a thread for adult children of abusive families

[therealsmithfield]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parent?s behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotional abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesnt have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/or current parental contact has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful if you have come this far and are still not sure wether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts;.

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

follow up to pages first thread

Im sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out grin. I personally dont claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will recieve a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support.

Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)

Hi there everyone

Just coming back from something from yesterday about the illness/ louise hay thing.

"This is" or anyone else who might know. Did you mean that louise hay suggests that the reason my hand ( example) gave way when lifting furniture, is due to an emotional issue, Ie, somewhere deep within my body wanted to shut down, and put a stop to something?

I have been thinking about this a lot today, my head is scrambled.

My dresses turned up! 2 of them are lovely, 2 too big and have to go back. Boo. I probably didn't need all 4 anyway

Love from 1foot x

Yes, that is exactly what Louise Hay would say. It is extreme, but I think she may be on to something.

Hooray for your dresses!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I agree with Grace about your storyboard...what a fantastic idea!

1 foot, hope that you have enjoyed the clothes x

Well, on Saturday Mother turned up at the door! I stood and spoke to her, she has had a bit of a change in her tact! I eventually invited her in, she is still controlling things, well attempting to anyways, still claiming she does not understand, part of her probably does not and part does. She has partly admitted to offloading when she should not to me as a child, she admits to father hitting me sometimes, claims she didn't allow him, I had to remind her she would stand there and after so many hits she deemed I deserved, she would say that is enough now and pull him off, often he was in such an angry visious mood, he would continue to batter me with her dragging him off, I told her she may not have hit me herself like her mother did to her, but she set a man on me instead, and controlled him battering me, which was worse! I am getting somewhere slowly with her, I shared some things with her, that there were few people in my life, she sat in the living room with me and kids to see we are functioning really well and I am not a fruit loop as she likes to think I am, I had to tell her to leave dd's boobs alone, dd is developing, and as she did with me, she felt that she was entitled to touch her breasts to see how they were getting along, there is nothing sexual about it, it is weird thought, I gave her what for and told her it was not on to do that!

Also we joined mend progaramme and dd is loosing weight, mother commented on that, I think she has a real problem with teen girls, as she was weird about me when going through puberty! I wonder if she will get envious of dd as she did with me!?

Every time she would get annoyed, I would tell her the dog would attack her, she was scared of the dog as step dad told her the dog went for his (after his went for mine, but my dog is bigger) I told her dog is protective towards me, she would raise her voice and dog would growl which kept her quiet and the conversations calm... which was all good...

She was shocked to learn, no ex, and odd things ex did, since she not been in my life, she was shocked I had no bf, and had got rid of friends etc, and I was ok, and that no one was controlling me, there is also interest in who this new person is, this daughter she no longer knows who she is accusing of being hard and heartless now a days!

It is all odd, she has a very very long way to go, in the end I told her she would not be welcome in my home again, as she was not moved on enough, or ehatlhy enough to be around!

I had to tell her when she was going on about her mother again, to go and see a thearpist, I am not interested in it!
I think she had much food for through, it was

Mummyhunnie, your post is most inspirational.

I am standing on my chair for you shaking my cheerleading fluffies - go you!

How very very brave you are. xx

Wow, mh, that must have been a weird experience! Well done doesn't get anywhere near; you did a FANTASTIC thing!!

Go you

oh, bless 1 foot, I did not feel brave, or anything really, I just feel like I am waiting a very long pointless wait for her to come out of denial, I have read up why people live in denial, and I don't expect her to come out of it fully, I will not have her back in my home again, until i get some more from her, I think she knew waiting was not going to work and that was why she gave me something, the thing is I think this is still all a game to her, but I can see less smiling in her, and her coming out of the game mentality with me, I tell her over and over I can see the games, reading that ta stuff and working with the ta family therapist has really helped... I can drill right down to what is going on and see through so much stuff now, even in bb I can see stuff going on, projections, games etc... I was watching last night and am looking at it with different eyes to the eyes I once had!

I can kind of see the frustration in John James I once had, I was not like him exactly, but can recognise some things, that feeling you can't put into words what is bothering you, and the fear, the frustration etc... I had so much of that, not being emotionally mature enough to understand what is bothering me properly, and instead of dealing with people well I would get upset at myself instead!

What interested me is him saying to ben that some people would think certain things of ben, what john was meaning was he see's those things as annoying, so projects them as others seeing them as anoying, in a way to protect ben, but mainly to control ben to stop the annoying behaviours to John, James, I think John James is not conciously aware of what he is doing when he does this... also John James and the others tittle tattling telling one another what others have said, all interesting observations of human behaviour!

how I got form mother to bb, I dont know....

I really can't be bothered with mother, ex husband etc's games, I am loving the time of year and my family, which is bit by bit healing and growing healthier emotionally and mentally, by the day! I do need to deal with my eating disorder as I know it is partly why the children have food issues also... I feel like a druggy having to give up my habbit!

Can I just ask what you guys thing is well done in particular, I can't see it, I was just reporting what was going on really, I still not fully getting normality, I know I am changing, what was wrong and what did I do right, I can see standing up to her was right and having boundaries was right, is there something I was missing that I did you can see...

Hi mh,

Yes- standing up to her and having boundaries -

That is Fantastic!!!

Wish I could do it with my m,never mind describe it so casually!

Incidentally,my m does that breast touching thing and comments openly on dd's developing bodies.Always has done about me,too.Doesn't hear when asked not to,or denies,or screams in upset.
Mad cow.
Am avoiding ,in my unassertive manner....

Wish I could copy your example!

I think also what makes a difference is the type of person they are, my father now, he is far too uninterested in me to even want to bother having a relationship with me, so it would not work with someone like him, also my ex husband the same, it would not work with someone like that, with her she is softer, and there are things I know about her, when I moved out of home to begin with, with some friends, I was later told by my bro and step dad she cried for a year after me leaving, more so than my brother leaving, yet he was the golden child, how odd?? she never admitted to it, until after they told me years later, it is like having a hold on me makes her feel strong and having no hold on me makes her feel weak, from what I can work out!

When you say I say things so causually, the thing is I have been through hell and back, the past few years, with my narc ex husband, with his lies and abuse, nothing will ever be as bad as that again in my life, that challenge changed me, and made me become self reliant and strong, as at the end of the day, the words a friend told me years ago, you come in to this world alone and leave it alone, are true, no one really gives two hoots about me and my children, but me and my children, at the end of the day, and I am finally comfortable with that fact! I don't ever expect that to change until the children meet healthy partners and things will be different for them then, and for me when they have children then some other people will care for me, and I am ok with that now!

It's a very strong place you have got to with them.
I admire the clear and direct way in which you state and reinforce your boundaries with your M.
I guess by casually I mean that I read your words as a fluent and automatic description about something I would have agonised over and declared as a triumph if I had achieved! Yet you asked what it was that had earned you praise!

Dd1 just pointed out to me that this evening I spent an hour painting a picture to make into a birthday card for my father whilst moaning that I wouldn't make the post in time.She asked why the hell I was bothering after my own recent rubbish birthday experience.I had not even considered it until she pointed it out.

Well I've done it! DH took me to see the GP last week and I've been referred for "talking therapy" - basically there is a counsellor with the practice and she is going to phone me and arrange some sessions.

The GP asked me loads of questions and it was almost surreal actually talking about the relationship with my mother and my childhood. Am still not sure about the whole "abuse" label although after reading Toxic Parents, its making seem more real if you know what I mean. She wanted me to start either antidepressants or betablockers but have said no at the moment as we want to TTC a 3 child in the near future and I've been managing without meds for 35yrs.

Its almost like a weight has been lifted in the sense that I've taken the 1st step although Im terrified of actually talking about it.

One thing was weird - the GP asked about suicidal thoughts as yes, I do think about it on a daily basis but I don't feel suicidal - its just that SHE has worn away my self esteem over the years that I often feel that DH and DC would be much better off without me as I'm a burden. The GP appeared alarmed at my response but no-one has ever asked me about this before and because its been ongoing for so long, its normal for me to think like this. Am I making sense or just rambling as normal????

On a more positive note, DH and I have decided that the long term plan is to move to Canada. I am on the "38 desirable occupations list" so am going to discuss with a recruitment agency the possibility of a job offer before leaving the UK. I say "long term plan" as we are caring for elderly FIL who doesnt have good health so our plans are on hold at the moment as we need to stay close to him.

1foot - interesting reading about your thoughts about moving and self-esteem. has made me reflect on our desire to move. Its has been a long ideal (been discussing it for the better part of 10yrs) but I want to get my head sorted with the help of therapy and then make a new start with my family where my toxic family don't have an influence.

fled, glad you are getting therapy sorted, my letter arrived at last this weekend, so I am going to phone in a bit to make the appointment!

I cleared all people from the past from my fb list, that were involved with unhealthy friends, and extended family, as one of them posted something that hurt me on my fb wall the weekend, got an odd email the fourth (get them intermitadly from one of the group of unhealthy old friends) again sent to me yesterday, thought they would have forgotten about me by now!

fled, well done. It is the strangest thing, almost being introduced to you own reality, but from another place. Does that make sense.

I will keep all my drawings and writing from my therapy,as a reminder of just how very bad it was. Blimey, just typing that makes me well up. There is some way to go. I feel so sorry for little me.

How could someone do that to a child?

As an update. My h is getting very intense therapy. His sessions are sometimes two hours long! I can see that changes are starting to happen, in the people he is choosing to be with, (healthier people, who have relationships! not the over eating over drinking serial failed relationship people) the language he's using and his general "vibe". He has spent a couple of afternoons here, which have been very lovely.

Baby steps.

This thread has really moved me, I must admit i have read a few posts and I have to face up to the fact that my Mum is "toxic".
I am nearly 39, yet when I talk to her she makes me feel 9! The terrible thing is I phone her everyday and keep in touch with her even though she is fundamentally horrible! My Dad is lovely but very afraid of my Mother, I have wished over the years he would stand up to her but I know now that he never will.

She has always made me feel guilty about everything, when I was growing up and going out with friends, she would sulk and make remarks, so that in the end I would cancel and stay in with her! Shes called me a whore in the past, simply because I didnt want to go out with this particular guy anymore, I was only 19! As an adult if I ask her to babysit she makes comments along the lines of "your Dad and i never went out when you kids were small", then in the next breath she complains about how she hardly sees the kids!! I could go on but as i said earlier why do i feel compelled to stay in touch?

Last year my parents paid for the family to go to Florida for a fortnight, which was amazing but I swear had we not been in such a wonderful place ,I would have come home. She was vile to me, my sister and 2 brothers seem to get away with it but they are "damaged" by her as well. We did come to blows in Florida,she was putting my daughter down, so i jumped to her defence and I swear she exploded at me, it was awful. When i tried to point out her wrongs she turned it around on me and started saying she felt ill, which has been another pattern all my life.

I have not been perfect i know, but all i ever wanted was her love and affection but her self centredness has always been at the centre of it all. Please dont judge me,i feel bad saying all this but at the same time relieved to get it off my chest. Thankyou!

marmon, I think the last paragraph, sums a great deal of us up, none of us are perfect, and all of us wanted to feel truely loved and feel afection, rather than having to live with damaged parents, who continue into our adult hood to treat us in a way that is not on, never mind treat our children unacceptabily.

I too like you thought if I (licked up) to the parents, kept in touch told them everything etc, they would give me what I wanted, what I ended up with was scraps and lots of negativity, I am still working on rewriting the scripts of what I will accept from people, changing the boundaries, it is not easy and I have found it too difficult to do with people from the past in my life, growing in the way you need to do is something that some people can do with those around them from the past coming along for the ride and for some it has to be a clean break!

Take care you x

Hi ladies

Would be grateful if any one of you could have a look at the therad on these relationship pages entitled "My Mum".

TIA.

Mummiehunnie- you are an inspiration for being honest with your mum and telling her she isn't welcome in your house anymore. I applaud you.

I've come back to this thread because I am in pieces over my mum right now, I hope some of you with similar experiences can help me. I did have a thread in relationships a few days ago about it but I think it'll probably help me to have this ongoing thread as a sounding board, hope nobody minds.

History in a nutshell:

• My mum got together with this thuggish type when I was 7. She forced him on me within 5 minutes as my new 'dad', despite the fact that he was intimidating, nasty and scary. He used to pull my dresses off, shout at me, be very rough with me and we would all go and do strange things together like go down the woods with a gun and shoot at coke cans. I was terrified of him and puzzled as to why mum chose him but we soon moved in together and thats when the abuse started. He waterboarded me when I was 8, I thought I was going to die. He kicked me, called me names, told me I was useless, basically made me into a nervous wreck and all the while my mum continued bleating on about how I should love him and sit on his lap/ cuddle him more. This hell went on til I escaped aged 19.

• They then split up, and after a few years of just living with my sister, my mum found a new man. She forced him on my sister in the exact same way- on their first date she bought him home and the loud sounds of them doing it downstairs led my sister to start throwing up in horror; as a result my mum ran upstairs and screamed at her to stop ruining her date. So, my mum moved in with this guy, and said my sister couldn't live with them because the computer was already in the spare room. My sister was therefore stuck with her horrible dad (the guy I described above) and ended up so terribly anorexic that she was collapsing daily. Mum still wouldn't take her in.

Fast forward to today and things are still bad. Whenever me and my sis are in trouble/ need the smallest thing my mum doesn't want to know. And yet, oddly, she is so excited about my pregnancy and stuff and always so pleased to see us- I can't figure her out.

The key thing is, my pregnancy has bought her terrible mothering into sharp focus, and I just don't want to know anymore. I can't be doing with being all light and chatty, I am so pissed at her and so sad about it all, and she is still just as selfish now towards not only me and my sister but also other relatives/ friends.

Her and her partner (another rough type) are growing marijuana in their house and listening to heavy rock music, and me and my sister are just baffled by how she moulds herself to fit whatever weird bloke she picks, and puts them before us to the nth degree.

I don't want my baby son staying with her ever and I can't be doing with her anymore. Too much hurt, too much sadness. I am trying to sort our will at the moment and I realised that in terms of deciding on a guardian for our son, I could never pick her because she wouldn't want him. She wouldn't even take in my sister when she was severely ill, let alone my son for life. (I know she is highly inappropriate as a guardian anyway, but it still saddens me).

I don't know how to deal with all this anymore, or how to get rid of my guilt over not wanting her around.

She's meant to be coming round on Saturday but I don't want her here.

Bloody hell, MmeG. So sorry for you and your sister - and sorry, too, that you still feel obliged to be civil to her!

My advice is obvious and harsh. Cancel her visit, and keep cancelling until she stops trying to arrange them. Practise saying "Because I don't want to see you. You upset me. I'll ring you sometime soon, goodbye." Get together with your poor sister over a starchy meal & lots of wine, and compare notes until you've vented enough for one night - and repeat until done! Give some serious thought to the benefits of counselling.

Letting go of your mum is a weirdly complex thing, and I know others here will support you. Just want you to feel supported - you DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT! You can't change her, either, so get yourself a breathing space. Good luck

MadameG, all that energy that's going into guilt would maybe be better directed at healing for YOU.

I am so sorry that you have had to go through this horror. Your mum clearly has "stuff", but that is her stuff. The only thing you can do is love yourself, work on yourself and heal yourself from all of this. I am so sorry for your sister too.

Are you close to your sister? You may have an ideal healing partner and mutually benefit as you move on.

If you don't want her to come on Saturday, cancel. Simple as that. She just another human being really...there's billions of them. She is simply one more, and one that causes you pain and distress. Love yourself enough to be worth a damn sight more than pain and distress.

You only need postive, generous, empathic and kind people in your life. It's only what you and your sister deserve. She is not one of those.

Thanks Grace.

I think I've stayed civil to her because the situation confuses me. She can be so awfully nasty and selfish and at other times she's oddly sweet. The sweetness doesn't let her off the awful stuff, but it just messes with my head. Maybe the sweetness is through guilt, I don't know.

Also, my dad didn't want to be in my life and my stepdad was, as described, an abusive shit, so I feel very frightened of having no family left. That said, I know this isn't what family is about.

Another reason I've stayed civil is through hope that she really will make me feel loved. I'm clutching at straws really. Sometimes she does, but then the situation reverses again. I don't get it. I guess she loves us but loves herself about 500 times more.

My sister hasn't reached the point yet where she's as done with it as me; she's more confused than I am and lets mum off cos she can be nice. But I'm going through a transformation now like a lizard shedding its skin.

I could give you about 5,000 examples of horrific things she's said and done, and they all would make your jaw drop.

I just need to push her away. Thing is, I'm afraid that at some point she will either make me feel horribly guilty over it by crying and stuff, or she'll throw a bitch fit and swear at me. Both have happened previously and I don't want to have to deal with either.

The thought of her never being in my life again is scary to me, but I also can't carry on like this.

Thisis- thanks for your message, its made me really consider all this guilt I'm feeling. I think the guilt is worse because in the past when I've tried to ask about all the past nastiness, she just explodes into tears and says how she wishes she could take it back- but sadly she's just as selfish right now as ever. Because I care about her I don't like seeing her sad, but I seem to now be crossing into different territory where I've had enough.

My sister and I are really close, yes. We bitch about our mum endlessly. I've had 9 more years of it though so I think I'm further into anger than she is at the moment.

I'm trying to mentally stamp into my head that I shouldn't feel guilty for cancelling her. It's hard. And yet, if anyone else had told me the above story I'd be telling them to abandon the horrid cow!

MmeG, could you put her off just for this week? Perhaps we could help you, over the coming week, to identify some of the 'triggers' between you and her - so as to devise neutral responses to them. This is working with my mother: it's slow, but she's moving away from me quite noticeably - hurrah

Oddly enough, I've noticed Golden Sis becoming more vicious to both me & mum. My theory is that she's angry with us both (I'm the eldest) for failing to protect her. But she can't admit that, as she's still in "wasn't that bad" mode ... and has repeated the weirdnesses in her own family. I'm observing this one with interest - luckily, I don't give a stuff what she thinks of me! Mum does, though, so I let her fret over Sis's latest attack while going "hmmm, yes ... "

In a way, the guilt is your own disapointment in not being able to really get her to genuinely face her own problems. I think that is one of the hardest things to unravel. You FROM her. You are not HER mother, she is yours and has/had a responsibility to keep you safe and nuture you. She did not do that. And yet YOU feel guilt...strange isn't it. I do understand though.

Your mum's problems belong to her, and they cause you pain. She CHOOSES not to address her stuff. You are choosing to address yours.

That's the bit that is so hard, separating yourself in your head from her and developing the knack of putting that energy mis spent on wanting her to be different, into you instead, healing from the trauma you have lived through.

You know that as your mother, you owe her nothing. She owes you BIG time.

You have been through such horror, that therapy or counselling would be very useful. There are lots of therapies that deal specifically with these issues. GP is the place to start. If you don't know what to say, print your post and give it to your gp.

Grace- yes I will put her off and not see her, and I'm very touched by your suggestion to use that time on here to try and identify triggers. I'd be very grateful if anyone will help me unravel this mess. Sorry to read about your mum/ sister situation- so much stress!

ThisIs- she definitely does have problems. They can't stem from her parents because my grandparents are two of the most loving, lovely people you could ever meet and my aunts turned out to be very level headed people. My mum's issues are all to do with men. Whoever she's with becomes her whole world. She changes and moulds herself and loses her whole identity, and if anyone else gets in the way (like her children) she reacts selfishly and callously. It's all about protecting the relationship. Men walk all over her, she will never stand up for herself and she just goes gaga over her boyfriend/ husband of the time. You've never seen anything like it.

But as you rightly say, that's her problem and not my fault, and we have been deeply afected by it. I was on the brink of suicide until my sister and husband saved my life 3 years ago. I was very seriously ill and on anti-psychotics and god knows what. I've got scars all over me too from serious self harm. I'm lucky to be alive.

I'd like to do counselling again, I might go down the private counselling route this time though, my NHS psych profile is poor and they keep tabs on me quite heavily. I'm mentally healthy now, but I'd rather keep it private I think, this time. NHS therapy was very hit and miss anyway.

One thing that's very important that I should mention: I am always trying to impress her. With clothes, with hairstyles, with stupid things like nail polish, even how clean my house is. Whenever I'm due to see her I get really stressed about what I'll wear and how clean everything is. It's not right!

Oh, bless. Okay, let's not worry about how your mum arrived at her very strange place wrt men. Let's start with you trying to impress her. When you think about her coming to visit, what runs through you mind? What will she say? Or what do you think she'll think?

It's interesting that the stuff you mentioned - your appearance; your houseekeping - are areas where women are traditionally (supposed to be) competitive. Would it be fair to wonder if your mum sees you as a rival for male attention?