'But We Took You to Stately Homes' Part 2...a thread for adult children of abusive families

[therealsmithfield]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parent?s behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotional abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesnt have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/or current parental contact has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful if you have come this far and are still not sure wether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts;.

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

follow up to pages first thread

Im sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out grin. I personally dont claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will recieve a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support.

Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)

1 foot, good for you x I am loving that you are thinking about what YOU want!

Im back - am finding it really difficult to get my head round the fact that it wasn't me being a difficult child and that I did suffer abuse by my mother. DH wants me to get professional counseling but I have yet to tell anyone apart from him in RL about my childhood - embarrassment/fear of being told it was me/embarrassed that I didnt have a loving mother/head in the sand ???

I havent had any contact with her in 3 weeks since she argued with the answer phone but need to phone my aunt and elderly gran this week (havent spoken to them either). My maiden aunt (mothers only sister) has never left home and has a similar relationship with my gran. Ive tried to find out how much they know but have been told that as she is my mother she can speak to me/treat me how she wishes.

I need to pluck up the courage to say NO. Its easy typing here (well easy isnt the right word but I'm hiding here behind a keyboard)

I still dont know how to talk to anyone in RL about it. How do you start the conversation? how do you know who to talk to?

Hi, scotland (may I call you that?) It is really hard to get your head around. You should be proud of yourself for coming this far! As children we're dependent on our adult carers for survival; we're hard-wired to look up to them and to believe they are always right. It is almost impossible for a child to grasp that her parents treat her badly. Add to that the immense cultural pressure to love your parents, never to badmouth them, etc - and you can see where the 'block' comes from.

As you say, we were always told it wasn't that bad; it was normal; we deserved it; we were lying - or that old chestnut, "too sensitive". Thank goodness your DH supports you. That must be worth a lot.

I agree it's a good idea to talk to a counsellor. It's their job to help you find out what you want to say, iyswim. You can ring round a few, to find one you feel you can trust. Some offer a free introductory meeting. Some people find they chop and change a few times, especially at the beginning. There's a page about counselling on the Mind website. To make sure your counsellor is properly qualified, check that they're BACP registered.

Hi grace, hi Scotland

Scotland have you got the book Toxic families? In this book it shows us that all abused children take a role in keeping the family's secrets of abuse and neglect, to maintain the family system. Since I have read this my world has destabilised slightly. It is entirely true for me. Even recently when my dad was completely unnecessary nasty to me I was completely floored, just didn't know what to say. I had called my mum to say me & ex/p had split up, he just took the opportunity to criticise me for absolutely nothing, when I was probably at my most broken.

It must be horrible to hear elderly relatives saying "you can be treated how she likes" Wonder if they think the same about when they or your mum go into residential care! I always wonder about that it is rather sick - not that I wish it on anyone of course!

Well update on me I'm doing rather well I think. go me. Ex/p came round tp collect some stuff last night, we are on good terms but I don't think getting back together is on the cards although I can see that he wants to. I need to get more out of my therapy as we will just go back the way we were. Haven't spoken to my parents for a couple of weeks, will try and call mum this weekend (quickly)

Have been buying myself a few clothes which is nice and a few frocks I wouldn't neccesarily think "APPROPRIATE" whatever that means for someone in a relationship. Bloody nice though! Cant wait for them to get delivered tomorrow!

Ex/p often rolled his eyes or something when I pointed out clothing that was a bit lacy, slightly see through, a bit short, a bit low cut.So I feel like I have gone around being covered.However it was ok when I was a bit bigger but I've lost a lot of weight this year and feel I should show off a little. Funnily enough my dad used to be like that too, ( not really funny IS IT!) and still comments from time to time about what Im wearing in case you can see a bit of (god forbid) bra strap under a vest top. I guess I learned to swallow it for a quiet life, much like my poor mother. there with dad that I cannot work out yet, my sister once mentioned that his dad SA his sisters, no way of knowing that is true or not but its a terrible thing to make up and would explain a lot in terms of what a teenager should wear or do so as not to "attract the attentions" of an abuser. As well we know this attitude is a pile of shit in any case.

Scotland, i would also agree seeing a counsellor is a good idea, something just for you, helps to get your head straight. I have managed to say to one of my friends who suggested I went home for a week "oH there's no way, my mum is lovely but my dad is totally mental will surely blame me for ex/p not being able to put up with me' She looked shocked and I just said " yeah , he isn't really right to be honest, not what I need right now". That's enough I think, she doesn't need to know the ins and outs and I don't really feel I need to say as I've got my therapist now who will say the right thing to keep me contained in a safe environment.

Love from 1foot xxx

I am growing more astinished, daily, at the reality that was my childhood.

It is horrid,sickening, and very frightening to become aware of this stuff isn't it?

For me, with the help of therapy, I have come to realise that no, it wasn't that bad....it was much, much worse. Living in a world of total falsehoods, and the conflict with the rest of the world that saw me an a completely diffrent way. I am surprised I am as sane as I am.

I had two children's workers here on Tuesday. They are going to be supporting my dc's. The one thing that they were absolutely emphatic about was that my dc's have zero contact with my mother.

Yes it is that bad. She said that she would never usually recommend this, but in my case, it is crucial to keep her away from them.

I still worry that people will think that it must be me...after all, ALL of those people can't be wrong, and little old me right? But actually that is the fact. My family and exh, and h are all under her spell, and it is not me. I have had the temerity to upset the apple cart. My proven sanity makes them face stuff they don't want to face. After all, if I am sane, and right, they have to face that it must be them and that strength in numbers means nothing.

I'm not surprised they're angry with me.

Hi TIHIF

I used to be a social worker a few years ago, and I used to be discussing things with my manager like "I just don't know how this mum will react if I suggest that her parents/sibs arent good enough, what if... " then when I approached it with the mum herself, sometimes I felt a sheer rush of relief and vindication from my client, that they were believed, understood. And that they could use the powers of the social work department to protect and empower themselves, in complete opposite to what most people think of as being powerless in an "intervention".

I think it is fantastic you are opening up to this level of support when so many others are colluding with her and becoming part of such a toxic family system. Many reject workers, as they don't want the system to be messed with, destabilised.

I'm not surprised they are angry with you either, textbook stuff isn't it. I find when you stand back and look at your own family through the lens of systemic family therapy ( which I studied before) It really is most illuminating.

My problem is that I intellectualise to the degree where I can understand why, but often I have no feelings about it either way, it takes the heat out of it. My therapist pointed that out too, so it must be true.

It sounds to me like you are really wading through it. I admire you, you must be truly very strong and of course very clever!

Lovefrom 1foot xx

Thank you 1foot

I put mascara on this morning.....new me and all that...now it's making two lines down my cheeks.

I have feelings about it, but they're SO big I'm scared of them. The injustice of it all just overwhelms me, but motivates me to save my kids from this. They are what is getting me through this. I will accept any and every help to STOP this cycle and not pass it down.

I am a pattern breaker.

Off to re apply mascara.

well done pattern breaker This is x x x

1 foot what you say is so insightfull x

This is, how did the family support workers become involved, have missed stuff sorry x

Well done you for working so very hard x

I was talking to someone yesterday, I would have loved to have chatted for longer, she said that she had studied so very much both personal and professionally, I met her at my voluntary place!

She said that the worst type were those that lived in fantasy worlds, those that were in denial, those that projected and those that scapegoated! I said is that not normal then, she said no, normal families do not have that sort of behaviour, wow! That is a revelation, that average normal families don't have that in them at all, I feel so hard done by, as that is all I have ever known that family dynamic, it goes to show the sort of people I have been surrounded by all my life, I want to break free and hang around these normal people instead, how do I break out of this script that attracts me to dysfunctional folk and them to me?

Thank you for your kind words MH x they mean a lot

"how do I break out of this script that attracts me to dysfunctional folk and them to me?"

I guess the advice I give is that that I have I gained in my professional life as a social worker. One thing I used to do was "Assessments". Again, apologies for "intellectualising". In doing this, I (as a worker) wasnt EMOTIONALLY involved in this family ( hence not being drawn into the system-not easy!) but intellectually involved.

So Id sit down with the parent/s and explore their circumstances, taking note of what wasnt said, taking note of what they told me through body language, looking away, looking down, where they were uncomfortable, angry, defensive, objective, where they felt strong, safe, comfortable.

I have taken these skills into my personal life too- , some events that stick in my mind that have really stuck because they were so wrong, a comment, a look on a face, however fleeting, has told me some things about people that have helped me shape my opinions of them. I particularly note when someone scares me. I feel it very sharply, like a knife in the chest. I felt this once with Ex/ps dad ( not a pleasant man, although he has been very/over pleasant to me, I know ex/ps truths) He asked me why I left social work, I didn't tell the truth as it was too personal but just uttered some gumpf about being under resourced and not being able to really work effectively due to lack of time etc.A fleeting look across his face was s smile, like Id been "beaten", and that that was A GOOD THING as one less SW in the world was A GOOD THING. Needless to say, im sure that vacancy was filled afterwards by someone else equally as capable as I was

That in itself scared me, because I could see how he was capable of acting, just from that one expression. Ex/p didn't see it, if you were sat at another angle, it would have been impossible to see. If ex/p had seen it I know he would have understood.

I guess that is listening to the inner child, and taking note of what she is saying. If someone scares you, is creepy, is demanding something of you you dont feel confident about sharing, then you are right to listen to her. I guess the problem is that our inner child's have been silenced? So we dont feel comfortable thinking "this is about them" we think we are stupid or rude for not just acquiescing to what they want?

I dont know, im thinking out loud as usual.

I would love to know more about the "inner child" has anyone got any good websites they can tell me of to understand what she might want? Or who she might be?

1foot That is SOOOOO right about listening to your body. I know now when I am being abused, because I get a funny feeling in my tummy. Like a sick, butterflies/adrenalin feeling.I now give myself time to work out was is going on, sometimes with the help of WA and more frequently on my own. I recognise the feeling, and panic less. Just give myself quiet time to work it out and where it's coming from.

You have reminded me of when I was about 8 or 9, walking home from school with friends. There was a man in a parked car. We were all petrified and ran. Based on NOTHING but our 9 year old instincts. I'd put money on us being right.

I am in touch with little me now. She is not remotely demonic, but a really gorgeous, bright, alive little girl. What fools they were for not seeing her, and seeing devils instead.

My inner child therapy is via the GP, on the NHS. It's VERY hard and intense, but very, very good.

Can I ask This is,

What do you actually DO in it.

I mean, what sorts of things do you talk about?

I must admit, apart from the "scared" stuff, Im at a bit of a loss about my inner child and what to do with her.

Considering I broke down and practically had to be carried out of my GPs surgery, with no tablets, counselling, or anything, nor anything on the horizon, I cant see inner child therapy being offered to me any time soon, plus I already have my own therapy going on in any case, just wondered if there were any exercises or anything that I could look at?

Completely get you about the bright little girl inside. I just worry my inner child is a lot more petrified than I am! Im sure it will all come out sooner than later....

thanks love from 1foot xx

The first session she put up a large piece of paper and asked me what I wanted.

After 45 minutes, the conclusion was that I wanted to "exist"...blimey....filling up again, just thinking about it. I only existed as someone elses projections. Thosr projections are all bad.

Then, in a similar way, to describe a good mother. My own mother ticked not one single box.

I literally used to hide under the sofa against the wall, to find somewhere to be safe.

Then there is the communication with your inner child writing with the non dominant hand. Loads and loads (for me) of picture drawing and colouring in. It was the pictures that drew my attention to things that I hadn't realised before. There is a weird gender thing going on. My mum hates males...hates me EVEN MORE for having the nerve to give birth to a boy. But when I was a child, she defined me as the thing she hated the most....a boy. She cut my hair off, very short herself, and laughed at me when I cried. I was never allowed barbies etc, I had blue things, clothes, toothbrush etc, where my golden child sister had pink or red, I was given cars and bricks to play with. I had never clocked it before....but there it was in the pictures.

I have found having a daughter is helpful...I was kind of already doing this unconsciously, but treating my dd the way that I should have been treated. She gets the hugs I never got...she gets listened to, never deridid, called names, ridiculed, hit, I would never dream of hacking her hair off and then laughing at her. What a dreadfully cruel thing to do.

In the supermarket, I allow liilte me a packet of sweets, or a treat of some kind....like you would with a real time child. I bought a maxi dress....but secretly knew, and told little me that it was really a princess dress because it went down to the ground....something very important to her...cos she was never allowed to be a princess.

The more I can see my mother for what she really is, the less guilt I have about NC, and the more it becomes about ME.

Sounds daft...but it works.

I exist and I matter and I am as important as any other princess.

I have two more sessions left. I go on a monday every fortnight, and by the thursday, I am in bits.

I am up to writing down the words that are NOT me. I am not a demon, a bully, a liar etc etc.....all the things my mother PROJECTED on to me.

But the hardest thing so far has been to say out loud, the good things that I am...I simply physically could not do it. I haven't been allowed for 46 years, it's hard...but I am nice, I am gentle and loving and kind...and I am very bright...and this feels desperately uncomfortable, and I still cannot say it out loud.

But I will.

Thank you for your most moving post This is.
I know you will too say it out loud. You deserve to.

xx

1foot, it is good to do this kind of work with a therapist - because, as you picked up on subtle signposts while interviewing your clients, so your therapist will pick up yours and use them to guide you.

Have you looked at this book? "Recovery of Your Inner Child" Workbook by Lucia Cappachione

thisis, thank you for the SHOCK you just gave me!
"I exist and I matter and I am as important as any other princess."

... Important, me? Princess?? Hahahaha!
Today I shall refer to myself as "My Highness"

Hi Grace, thanks for this

I have looked at this a few days ago. i have to be honest i was put off by the role of God in all this. I am not religious at all, in fact im rather repelled by it, although its fine for other people, not for me. Is this work book as religious as the preface suggests?

The other thing is that due to an injury to my non dominant hand, I'm wondering whether using it ( i'm not meant to use it at all) might make my injury worse, I should at the least try not to use it at the moment, although in saying that it could be a lifelong injury anyway ( who bloody knows) Is the non-dominant hand drawing essential in this.

Sorry, theres always one isnt there

thanks again from 1foot xxx

I am a huge fan of Louise Hay....I think that she is way ahead of her time. Mainstream thinking is coming towards her view that emotional hurt causes physical illness, or dis-ease as she calls it.

I wonder whether the injury to your non dominant hand is an expression of a deep rooted disconnect?

I have rheumatoid arthritis...Louise Hay wouldn't be at all surprised...according to her it is unexpressed rage. Yup....that's me!

grace you maybe should look at a maxi (Princess) dress too!

1foot, she uses God in the "higher power" sense that AA uses. One of the constant threads in damaged lives is a feeling of being at fault for everything. I shouldn't imagine I need to elaborate ...

In AA they talk about "handing it over" [to god]. This is a shortcut to relinquishing responsibility for things which cannot be altered by a simple act of will. In my mind, I sort of hand over my worries to a formless idea of The Universe. It works for me.

Some people have a teddy bear and, in fact, many recoverers use those dinky sets of Peruvian worry dolls - I've got one, too: in times of huge, knotty anxiety I use the Universe, my teddy, the worry dolls, a quartz stone AND my bookshelf Buddha!

For recovering Adult Children, the higher power concept is doubly important. Although this power is, ultimately, found within ourselves, children literally see their parents as godlike. Since ours failed to live up to that status, it's beneficial to replace the "God slot" in our souls with something more reliable. This aids us in contacting our inner wisdom, and helps to fill a hard-wired need of the mind.

Hope that made any sense ...

thisis, I'm not as big a fan of Louise Hay, though I've read all her books and she helped me greatly when I started breaking down. It's interesting that my current 'bible', The Compassionate Mind, explains many of her concepts in neuro-psychological terms that sit more comfortably with me.

I just don't believe the Universe is full of happy vibes waiting to wash over me. By understanding what that idea does for me, in more scientific terms, though, I get a similar effect
Same thing; different languages!

I'm going to curl my hair tonight. Little Grace sees princesses with curls

Enjoy the curling Grace! I love curly hair. One day Id like to have lovely long curly big curls like Nigella maybe At the moment im in the scrunching stage with lots of lovely girly clips!

Have given quite a lot of thought to the idea that "emotional blockages" impair health. I'm quite certain in some ways is does, but no, my hand was a lifting accident at work ( moving furniture alone) At one stage I thought that gynae pain and fainting must be due to this cos every test they did, no matter how much i presented to different places, got me labelled a time-waster. I took this idea to my GP, who basically told me to forget it. A few days later i got ambulanced in as a urine infection that had previously come back all clear, had spread to my stomach, liver, kidneys....

I have just read lots more of Toxic parents. Is it natural to feel NOTHING? Absolutely nothing? I don't blame myself for how I was treated, I don't think I was a "bad kid" or have any of those thoughts.

Feeling very confused at the moment..
1foot xx

OOOh gosh lots and lots on here again...how exciting!!!!!

Yes I think that Louise Hay is a bit too hippy, but I think there is definitely something in it...and I am enjoying the fact that the "ideas" are developing real credence. I suppose in the way that the Green party were considered too far out there maaan up until quite recently...now it's mainstream, and becoming more so.

I can't get into the fact that we choose our parents, before birth, in order to learn whatever lesson, I think that's mean and a bit David Icke. But the idea that we hold grief within the structure of our bodies, is utterly believable....to me at least. So I think grace we're probably closer on that than my other post would merit.

I think it's normal for our bodies and minds to allow us to feel things when we can. Like blocking memories...I don't know, I had no idea just how angry I was/am. I am terrified of what may happen now I know it's there!

I am growing my hair innapropriately, for my age (according to whom?), long, in an effort to welcome my inner princess. It is a shade lighter too.

Yes, Nigella is a princess isn't she?

Yeah Nigella really looks the part!

I have a pile of magazines here and might go through them a bit tomorrow ( I have to wait in for the dresses to arrive! and maybe do some cutting out of lovely things that I like, clothing, household stuff, general pictures etc. Make myself a storyboard of the things I like.

I share a similar thing about "girliness" although it wasnt I don't think to do with the boy stuff that you had to contend with "this is" but I was put in mind of these god-awful outfits me and my sister were made to wear. We were definitely NOT allowed to have long hair. Even now I have choppy hair ( i went a bit short last time) but I have "beachy hair" my hairdresser says, longish, quite thick with a wave and he cuts it so the curls bounce up more. Dad HATES long hair, and shouts at us "stop messing with it"." your so VAIN". There is always some criticism of it. My sister has grown hers long too- she always seems to make a point when we are at home that she LOVES long hair and "it really suits US BOTH doesnt it 1foot".

The more i think of it the more im convinced that there is something FUCKING dysfunctional about children "attracting abusers" with my dad. One time I was in the garden in the sun - was about 17- and Id burned really badly on my chest. You could feel the heat. Laughing I said "feel that" ( not my boobs obviously, like near my neck) THE LOOK he gave me, its so hard to describe it was like "WTF are you MAKING me touch you for?" I'm sure that's not normal! As if maybe I was trying to encourage him to have dodgy thoughts?!!?

The minute I moved out of home I grew my hair. And pony tail it all the time!

I had it cut too short for an interview that never materialised but it is being grown back and a few weeks I will go to my amazing hairdresser who truly makes me feel like a princess. I go to a posh place as well

Thanks for all your support today everyone it has been most useful xxxx

What fabulous posts. I wonder if that's why I just dislike Nigella so much? Am I jealous?? Think I'll interrogate that with curly hair & nail polish ...

1foot, your "I like" board is a fantastic idea. Enjoy it! And your new dresses!
I forgot to answer your non-dominant hand question. You do have to use that hand, though there's no reason why you can't do your pictures on A1 sheets, with a big fat paintbrush. It's not an art exam!

Some interesting research has been done with people whose left brain has become non-functioning - these are mostly accident victims, though I believe some subjects agreed to have one side of their brain deliberately blocked - not sure of that.
Anyway, they found that right-brain-only subjects have immediate access to their more instinctual, buried thoughts. Although the right-brain/non-dominant connection isn't direct (left-handed people don't have reverse brains), the available evidence suggests the non-dominant hand does connect more readily with the right brain. The letters I wrote, during these exercises, really surprised me. Poor Little Grace was such a scared, apologetic child; I had no idea.

Thank you to all of you posting.

Am blocked by extreme tiredness,misery and self-pity...and spread sooo thin amongst all dc's now,with baby.....

Loevly post about inner child work,thisis.

1foot,identifying with what you say about being girly and having a daughter.And re assessment skills...me too ,but never so good at using /tuning into same skills in personal life..

Grace ,higher power concept - been exploring this for long while now. I do like Louise Hay and have a much stronger stomach for hippy shit stuff than I ever did when I was a hard faced cow in my youth.....(think my inner child is "allowed" to explore and even embrace "nice warm feely things"...without scorn)
Has anyone tried Stuart Wilde? Though if you think Louise is a bit David Icke,be warned!

Can't bear Nigella though!

xxx

Soemthing about mirroring.

h does this to such an extreme. I had noticed before, but didn't know what it was, or why he does it. He was/is a good mimic, he does a very funny Tony Blair....but then it gets sinister.

When certain people ring him...he becomes them! He talks exactly like they do and takes on their mannerisms. I suppose they must think that he's really like that, as that's the only way they see him. It's bizarre! This would explain why he never wants/ wanted to socialise in groups, or go to anything. He couldn't "be" everyone could he?

I always thought it was just one of his little quirks, but it isn't is it? It's a massive part of what wrong with him. He doesn't exist, for him, does he? I wonder if he is aware that he does this?

I hide, he mimics, but we neither of us "exist" in our own right. What an attraction!!!

He told me that his therapist had asked him what he wanted in life....he said he had no idea. This seems to have really triggered something.

When we fell for each other, he was probably doing "me". So who is the narc? Because I essentially fell in love with myself.....bleugh! It's all too sick.

this is, you have triggered something in me, I have mirrored people I have admired in the past, not all of them, ways they hold themselves, how they do their makeup, certain ways they pronounce words that sort of thing, I suppose it is that I did not know who I was and did not like who I was, I have spent so much of my life trying to better myself and take bits from various sources to make myself better than I am, maybe that is narc stuff when you discuss your oh...

I am loving all the inner child work you guys are discussing, and the princess dress and pleasing the inner girl, I am really loving that big time, I think next week I just may go and spoli my inner child, I have too much adult stuff to do today and the weekend!

Morning THISIS

This mirroring thing is very complex I think.

In counselling for example its a really valued skill! I noticed in one of the early sessions my therapist was touching her nose a lot as I was sniffling away behind my tissue. She also sits the same way I'm sitting, at the same angle. So if you write "So who is the narc? Because I essentially fell in love with myself", one could also wonder whether it was the empathy- after all that is what mirroring is trying to convey. Fakely or not- that person is trying to convey that they understand or can empathise.

On the phone, is he trying to BE them, or trying to really empathise over to that person that he understands/shares, OR "I can be what you want me to be" in a needy way? There are a few different angles I guess.

Ive always wondered whether those people who move cities and change their accents have a self esteem issue, a need to fit in, become invisible, not be different? Is that in itself a bad thing ( i have been a bit judgemental in my head about people who I've known who've done this, maybe I was wrong to? ) Is it a protection mechanism to avoid attention being drawn to them?

Have you asked him if he knows he does this?

ME: up early and desperate for these dresses. Have started chopping up some magazines for my picture board. Have got a ME thing also to work on today, I must try and get on with it. and a few appointments to book and stuff. Meeting Ex-p later, wonder if we will actually talk? He seems a bit resistant.

A week today its our 5th anniversary. I know he is struggling with this. I feel detached.
Intellectualised all feelings away I fear.

Love to all xxx