Anyone ever had an affair and managed to keep it secret?

[parkranger]

well have you and do you regret it now?

Mal - that dog you shagged ? She's got a nasty rash. HTH.

Fizzfiend, No I haven't ever made a mistake /done anything wrong / betrayed my marriage vows , I'm perfect in every way.

If you want smug and judgemental, I have just the pair of judgy-pants for that, great big sparkly ones.

Mine is stuck abroad, is that just cause for an affair? I don't know when he will be back...that has to be abandonment. Or shall I just carry on painting my nails, cuddling the dog and looking for flight updates on the internet?

In fact, he is probably having a fling out there anyway as that is what men do when their other halves are unavailable to them. Hey ho.

It's alright chickens, I can wear DH's kite boarding helmet and strap the camcorder to it, miners-lamp stylee.

The dog ran away after I called her a dirty cheating bitch.

I have made mistakes, all the time. I often put the tea bags in the fridge, for example. Have I ever accidentally, mistakenly had sex with someone else though? No. If I did would I think it acceptable to stay married to my none the wiser DH, and enquire whether anyone else was having such an 'exciting' time online? No. If you have any sparkly judgeypants going spare, Mal, can I have some in a 10? Cheers.

I can keep going all night you know.
I like thread-trashing, are we bad, girls?

It has taken me over an hour to read this thread and I feel compelled to interrupt the scrapping between AF, LeQ, Sass et al.

Obviously I am a namechanger. I admit this is because I am totally shamed of what I am about to share. If you figure out who I am (I hope not) then please do not out me

When dd was 5mths I caught XP with drugs. Class A's. He proceeded to tell me that he would never give them up regardless of what I said/felt and regardless of the fact we had a newborn.

I couldn't see past that and felt betrayed (he had been doing it since dd was 2mths but I didn't know) and felt out relationship was over. However, I tried to stay and make things work, even agreeing to a "band-aid baby". How stupid.

Anyway, cue dd turning 6mths and me going back to work. OM took an interest in me and pursued me. I resisted at first. I was adamant I would never cheat. He also had DP but said and appeared to be unhappy - I knew her a little bit but not mates.

I totally and ashamedly admit that after a month of being pursued and feeling wanted, beautiful and flattered and all that crap I entered into an affair.

I knew that I would be causing pain and I knew that it was likely to have a very bad fallout. I was under no illusions that I was in the wrong and so was OM. Regardless of what then DP had done and said I was wrong. But I conveniently brushed it under the carpet and concentrated on how he made me feel.

After about half a year we each left DP's for each other and stayed together for 5 years.

Now: Karma is a bitch. For me anyway. He cheated on me. I found out. I was hurt as hell. Even though I knew he had previous form. FGS I was prime example of that. But, I got what I deserved I guess.

Even though my relationship with then DP would have ended one way or another, I didn't have to cause extra hurt of the affair. Same goes for OM. We were hateful.

I am ashamed of it and I am not telling this for any reason than to say that out of 4 lives, 3 living those lives got seriously damaged at some point or another. Rarely does anyone escape unhurt. And also rarely does it stay a secret for long. People at work sussed us but never said anything so we were never 'outed' as such until we both walked away from DPs.

All affairs ever amount to is pain. I have been on both ends and would never do it again.

I had reason to hate DP. I should have left, I was scared to go it alone, waited for a reason/security to go, but it is still no excuse in hindsight. Yes, I had wonderful couple of years with OM after, but then what? He does it to me. Like I said. Karma is a bitch that exacts perfect revenge

Sorry for the rambling.

Well, one day I accidentally fell onto the window-cleaner's dick

Does that count ?

That dog was a really old dog Mal. That dog has had her day. And I can be as BAD as you want me to be

Were you hanging your bum out of the window again AF? Pesky window cleaners, always climbing those damn ladders just when you least expect it!

I've had to rewind Sherlock Holmes 3 times because I'm paying no attention.

No, AF. That was an accident. You don't need to declare it.

oh, I apologise for the X-post timing of my flippant comment

it was not meant as a response to your post, SMN, but to FF's who asked if none of us smug women had ever "made a mistake"

SMN...I admire the way you have taken responsibilty for the mistakes you have made. That was what most of us were having a dig at the OP about...not taking responsibilty for fucking up not just their own, but other's, lives

I will not flame you

And for the record, when FF was posting about her difficult situation, I supported her too

Sassy, are you flirting?
It's been 9 days you know, I don't know how much longer I can hold out, I really don't.

Fizz, I think the OP et al's most glaringly insensitive mistake was posting this in a forum area predominantly used by women wanting support...more often or not when their husband's are found having affairs. What response was expected?

I am not infallible by any means and certainly far from perfect, but I do love my husband very much and respect him more than anyone. If I didn't, I wouldn't have married him. And yes, he can be a pain in the arse at times. But he is mine, and not hurting him is a responsibility I took on when we started becoming serious, and especially when we got married. Equally, I know he feels responsibility for me and my feelings and would do anything not to hurt them. I KNOW he wouldn't cheat on me (niave? Moi?) but were he to fall out of love with me he would treat me with the respect that his wife and (soon-to-be) mother of his child deserves.

As an aside, I am starting to look marginally like a beachball so I suspect all of the bikini clad ladies in Antigua are starting to look rather appealing!

mal..stick your arse out the window

works like a charm

I don't flirt. I just take what I want.

I can't stand the people that have repeated affairs and think they can justify them.

I do have sympathy with those who had an affair when their marriage had hit rock bottom. I was 'courted' when I was ....well ....rock bottom covers it...

I didn't leap into bed with the guy however but did have a wake up call to end my marriage because I was obviously vulnerable to an affair.

Best thing I could have done.

Anyways... I know loads of people who have had secret affairs. They are maddeningly romantic, exciting, make them feel alive and sexy and omnipotent....like they want to shout about it to the world because they have found some fantastic drug!!!!!!!!!

I've also seen how they end. The kids are confused/hurt and their partners are humiliated and destroyed. My 'friend's lover left her and returned to his wife. His kids are disgusted and let down by their father. His wife is destroyed and depressed. He is desperate to recover his marriage. It has not invigorated their marriage.... The 'friend' was called a filthy whore by her own teenage son. I worried that her husband or her might commit suicide, she has neglected her daughters because she was so obsessed by chasing this guy. She's drinking too much to try and blot it all out. The family is broken........

So the alternative to this mess? behave like adults and be honest. Fix a marriage or leave. I know what I'm talking about because I have been both the woman who's husband had an affair, the woman who could easily have had an affair and have left (it was a difficult decision to make)

Lequeen..the OPs post was not actually about people who deliberately enter into an affair

AnyFucker: I have appreciated your comments and support...but I just think that the whole thread has been turned into a woman-bashing post, rather than support. We all support our best friends, even when they do something really stupid/selfish etc.

MrsC: why is this a forum about women whose husbands are having affairs...surely relationships covers a whole gamut of issues, including women who are struggling with feelings they should not be having for other men (once again, human nature, rather than evil bitches).

Also, why do all the angry women (and I really really do understand why some of them are so angry) reduce everything to "fucking", "dropping your knickers" etc. In my experience, women who have affairs are looking for appriciation and affection..a hot sex god is really not top of their agenda.

the main point is...there are slappers who couldn't give a toss about their husbands and kids.

And there are women who are desperately lonely/abused/controlled/ignored, who try and try to fix their marriages without any success so spiral into affairs (not necessarily with married men by the way)

I think this is the confusion on this thread.

I agree with nearly everyone else on here that marriages should be worked at and worked at and worked at. But when you end up bashing your head against a brick wall, that's when things usually go wrong.

FF, I am very honest with my friends when they ask for my opinion < take note of when (or if) they ask >

I would give the exact same answer in RL