Anyone ever had an affair and managed to keep it secret?

[parkranger]

well have you and do you regret it now?

thanks Fizz out of all the posts this evening yours has actually been sensible.

I am a frigigng mess tonight - close to taking a bottle of pills with a bottle of whiskey - and looking for someone somewhere to say hey babe you are a bitch but come on we are all women here lets talk eh?

No I am just a knicker dropping bitch who on the face of it is a calcualting tart with no feelings

I think if I offered support to someone having an affair it would be like condoning it and I think affairs are ultimately destructive.

Having said that I have 'supported' my friend through her affair. I have never condoned it and we've had some hard discussions where I've said how I felt. She knew I thought she was wrong. She all knew I recognised how she'd got there and couldn't judge because I'd been in that place (different choice from me but it made me more 'sympathetic')

The affair has destroyed her.

(and her marriage and her children and this other family)

Many of her other friends have dumped her because of this. She is left with women who encourage her with the justification used by anyone having affairs......and me who doesn't justify or encourage but does stand alongside and say stop this destructive behaviour please

TTL...you are thick-skinned enough to conduct an affair under the noses of your husband and children

But close to taking a bottle of pills after a few comments from a bunch of women who have never even met you ?

You sound very, very unhappy and I strongly suggest you ring The Samaritans to get you some support in RL

thick skinned not - actually I came on this site looking for advice and support and instead found people who rather would shoot you when you are down - surely forums are there for discussion rather than vitrolic attack

yes I am deeply unhappy - don't flatter yourelf AF - its not your bitchy comments that have made me feel like this - its a deepening realisation that my life is pretty worthless actually

If you had a stroke 2 years ago and were diagnosed with epilepsy a week ago - if you had a husband who treated you like shite - perhaps you would feel like i do

TLL...in all seriousness then why did you join this particular thread ? It was obvious which way it was going to go...

Like I said to you in particular about 20 pages back...if you posted for support on your own thread with what you are now revealing by stealth, you would get masses of support (and I don't flatter myself...I don't mean just from me)

but instead you wade into a thread that came from a place of almost casual infidelity (you cannot deny the original tone was pretty self-congratulatory) and start berating people for not "supporting" you

you are on the wrong thread, seriously, it is doing you no favours at all

I am not surprised you feel so bad...joining this particular thread was a mistake

would you consider ringing The Samaritans ?

What do you want - approval? Not from me.

What about one-offs and one-off snogging? Where do they come on the affairs ladder/anger graph?

Thank you for saying no flaming AF.

And my comment about the scrapping was meaning the fun you lot were having at that moment when I was posting.

Victorias... some of us that have done that are lucky and do keep our friends. My close mates knew what I was doing. They didn't condone it by any means, but they understood that I had done it due to weakness through being very unhappy and in a way looking for an out and feeling very flattered and desired by another man.

We all like to feel appreciated by our man, and unfortunately I found that this hunk was making me feel that way and immersed myself in that rather than do what I should have been doing which was leaving DP for the reasons that he had given me. Not for those reasons plus I had found someone else.

But all my mates stood by me in the end and are still here today where I am alone and rebuilding my life for me and dd. Just us.

I understand what you are saying and I do applaud you as a friend. For telling her how it is and being there, yet also letting her know you are there for her.

An affair is never right, bit sometimes there is can be a reason to help understand why someone has embarked on one.

But one must take responsibility and own what one has done.

Your last line is important SMN.

My friend still hasn't and like TTL is desperately unhappy and still looking for other people/things to make 'it right'

I know she needs to take that big scary step and then it will feel better but taking responsibility is so hard. Avoiding it ultimately causes more pain though

There is one more thing I should admit to.

I knew I was doing wrong from day 1.

But I kept justifying it until about 4-5mths after leaving DP. As much as I knew inside I couldn't face the shame of admitting it properly until then.

Maybe she knows but can't yet face up to it? As you say it is hard. But yes, you are right, avoiding it causes untold more pain on top of what has already happened.

Ladies to have an affair suggests that someone is either a) deeply deeply unhappy and unfulfiled or b) a total mare who has not respect for herself nor anyone else.

Have read thru the whole damn thread and whereas I cannot condone affairs I feel a degree of sympathy for TTL - she seems very unhappy and lonely - and I wonder just how easy it is for her to live with herself and what she has done????

yes of course people can have affairs and keep them secret.

I don't know anyone who thinks having an affair is a smart move but nor do I think the very strong anti affair mumsnet stance is representative of real life views.

Things that touch people deeply will always elicit very vocal views amongst those who have been affected .

I agree with Higgle fwiw

Only made it to page 19, but had to say: we both committed to respect and honour each other. So why does DH ignore me, refuse to sleep with me, not give me a reason, treat me like a dinner lady, refuse to spend time with kids?

It works both ways. I ended up having an affair (he's not married) because someone actually treated me like a human being with opinions. I had forgotten that I was one. Not because I am a sex crazed animal with loose knicker elastic.

er...it did say there were 19 pages and now there are 11..oh well.

Life is complex. People are f*ed up. I am stunned by the sanctimonious claptrap on this thread.

No, affairs are not good, not right. But unless you've been living in a time capsule, they happen for all sorts of reasons. If only people could accept that not everyone who has an affair is a selfish bitch. Life is long....50 years with a man that treats you like a nobody is pretty hard to handle.

Yes, in an idea world, we would all have a lovely, clean separation, then move on to OM. Now that is naive. Most people cannot even begin to contemplate the horrendous financial implications/family emotions, etc. Sometimes it takes an affair to realise how crap your life is.

Anyway, I'm off. TTL, don't take all this stuff personally. Every single one of my friends has supported me because they know exactly how crap my marriage has been. I sometimes wonder if I've stumbled on the Born again Christian site when I see some of the threads on MN. You just have to do what you're comfortable with, so that you're not wracked with guilt. It's your life...don't ever think about pills and whiskey. I'm depressed now and I don't even have any big moral issues (DH and I are separated now..he is happy as a clam now).

brilliant posts , Fizz

Fizz - no one is saying that you shouldn't get out of an unhappy relationship, life is too short to be miserable, but surely the right thing to do is inform your DP how you are feeling and end that relationship before embarking on a new one.
It is the lying and deceitfulness that is so destructive, I was cheated on for 3 years, I suspected, I had no proof, I asked my ExH if he was seeing someone else and he denied it over and over, my sanity was shot to pieces.
Then I found out and the upset since has been horrendous for me and DC. How can people do this to children and DP, it baffles me, and always you hear 'I didn't want to hurt you@ etc.
He is now being nasty about the finances, I didn't ask for any of this, I still can't believe he has done this to us, I always trusted him and on the face of it he was loyal and had integrity,. How wrong I was.

I have every sympathy for you Partytime and it sounds as if your exH wanted to have his married life and his affair. It is the dishonesty that is wrong.

I also see what Fizz is saying and think she has made some great points. As the wife of a man who had an affair I can with hind sight see that he was unhappy and thinking 'is this it?' about his satisfaction with married life. I had become mumsy and tired and obsessed with babies and small children (2 and 4 yr old DC...) He wanted to be happy but wasn't. Hence he was vulnerable to the younger woman who did target him.

Oddly as the yrs rolled on he settled and became grumpy old git/quite happy to settle down into old age and now my DC are teens I am raring to go and ready to party........ so we have a quandary.

He stayed when the kids were small but was a terrible DH and his staying was very much on his terms. I have been desperately unhappy for yrs. He became comfortable with this. So it was me that ended it.

It has been amicable because we both have talked and respected each other throughout. That has been helpful to our children I hope

wow. it would seem like my thread has enraged all of the self appointed moral Taliban of Mumsnet.

Just so it's clear, I'm not looking for support, understanding, forgiveness or indeed anything from you. I dont't know you and your opinions mean nothing to me. Likewise you know nothing of me or my personal circumstances. What is clear is that so many of you get some real enjoyment from shouting down others who you see as easy targets. Makes see feel better about yourself doesn't it?

You are the equivalent of the mob that you see on the news banging on the side of the police vans when you see high profile court cases bringing the accused the court. Pathetic.

Not at all, Parkranger, don't be so dismissive.
I posted about my parent's infidelity and how that affected me, how I couldn't imagine hurting them by having an affair.
But, my marriage is good, we are very happy so I concede I have no need to look elsewhere.

Do you have children? Does the OM?

Parkranger, you're the pathetic one in all this for starting such a stupid thread.
What exactly was the point?
People who have affairs are all the same, weak and inadequate in one way or another.

Lizzy,

would love to asnwer but I just dont want to open up any more personal information for othes to use as ammunition against me.

Its a shame that it's not possible to have a frank and open discussion about something that affects me and many others without the thread getting hijacked.

Sorry, my post wasn't clear, "How I couldn't imagine hurting my children by having an affair".

Let alone my DH.

OK, you obviously have your reasons, take care.