Infidelity - how can I/we rebuild our life?

[MrsJellicle]

Hello everyone

The facts:

My dh had an affair about 5 years ago with a colleague. I think I handled it all wrong at the time - just wanted to sew it all up inside and get back to normal as quickly as possible. He is still working with her - she's his assistant and although I do believe it is all over, I do know they still have a feeble-ish flirty relationship.

Then, after a year or so of suspicion and an unspeakable gradual build up of evidence, I finally found the strength to confront him just before Christmas. He confessed almost immediately to having seen escort girls every month or so for a period of about six years. After a weird period of elation (from having eventually found the truth) and then numbness, the true hurt kicked in. Real, physical pain from my heart. I can;t really describe it - it was an unbearable blur.

We have been together for 20 years, since we were teenagers. We have a lovely family and a lovely life we have built together. In spite of everything, I believe him when he says he loves me and that this was all in a 'compartment', completely separate from his wife and family. But equally, I understand that this was an extreme betrayal. It completely bewilders me. I think I am still in a state of shock...

But (and I know that some people will find this incomprehensible) I know that I want to stay and make this work. I am totally decided about that. My whole identity has been built around being a good wife and a good mum and I want to fight to make this work. I know that he is remorseful and he is making great efforts to change.

My question is - how can I/we possibly turn this around and make things right between us again? How can i get myself better? I can feel myself doing the same thing again - binding everything up inside we and just keeping plodding on, not being able to talk about it or get it sorted in my head.

I am in a muddle - no where near following any of the good advice I have read whilst desperately trying to find some comfort in finding people who have gone through something similar. I feel tired and old and cynical. I can't believe that this has happened to me - I almost refuse to believe it.

I would be very grateful indeed for any thoughts from any of you - especially those who have been through something similar.

AF - please don't make me laugh in a wholly inappropriate way, given the gravity of my situation .

I have to cope with him being away on business tonight - in Amsterdam FFS!!!!

(Actually it's really nice and peaceful and I am about to have a secret ciggie and a big glass of wine)

Good for you!

Mrs J, just about every time you post you make me

The irony of you having a secret ciggie, ffs !!!!

Well, you haven't lost your sense of humour!

Enjoy your ciggie and VERY big glass of wine!

just me then...

Hi Mrs J,

I have just read your post after searching the words 'Sex Addiction'. It was like reading about my own life in fact almost identical. I would love if you would contact me privately so that we may share our experiences and possibly be of support to each other. Every single word you have written I have understood completely. Please PM me I tried to send you a PM but your settings do not allow.

Similiar story, lurking with interest........

Hello everyone. Sorry to revive this old thread of mine, but I just wanted to give an update on things and let off a it more steam. Hope that's OK.

I have been seeing a therapist for several weeks and it has been a huge relief to be able to epxress myself in a safe space. And her help in making me realise that I have to set boundaries to govern his behaviour with the OW has been invaluable.

I have just brought it to an end though, because I felt exasperated by the lady not remembering things I had told her the week before and changing her approach.

So for example, the week before my dh and I had a joint session, she said that she would be telling my dh that she thought he should seek professional help for his "addiction".

And then when he arrives (and submerges her in a charm offensive - remorseful, wounded man sort of thing) he tells her that he has stopped seeing escorts. I say '"well can you just stop after 10 years, just like that?" and she says "yes, in my experience, men can just decide to stop and they do."

Grrr! Of course, I want to believe this too, but I have my doubts...

And it didn't help that the very first thing she raised to talk about with my dh was something that I had told her that I only knew because of my snooping (offering the OW theatre tickets to an event he was going to with me). I think I managed to weasel my way out of it but it wasn't a good start.

I am not saying that it wasn't helpful - we did communicate in that session more openly than we had done previously and went on to talk more afterwards. I was shocked to hear my dh describe what is clearly a deeply embedded madonna/whore complex. I had previously completely denied that this was it, but the words just came flowing out of his mouth - "dirty, exciting sex" with the escorts and me at home - lovely, clean, safe, but not exciting.

I found myself in the session asking "well, what can I do to share in this part of your life - how can we bring it into the marriage?". In other words, how can I be more sexy and exciting; and we explored this in the session. But then afterwards, i had this feeling that it had become all about what I can do to change, in order to accommodate him, and that just didn't feel right. (And in fairness to him, it was my dh who recognised this and pointed it out).

Maybe I am being a bit unfair and selective about the things i have focused on, but I stopped having a good feeling about the sessions. In the next one (just me and her),she told me what an essentially 'good' man she thought he was. I actually happen to agree with her, but I felt I didn't need her to point it out. And I said, yes 'I agree he is a good man, and he has done these bad things essentially out of selfishness' and she began to defend him against that too!!

I started to feel as though I was whiny and unreasonable!

I then looked back on this thread and realised that I was getting far more thoughtful advice on here than from her, and that really, what dh and I need to do now, is to talk. Which is what we are now doing.

We spoke yesterday for a long time as, unusually, we both found ourselves at home for a morning. It was utterly exhausting, but we had a proper, long talk at last - no tears or shouting. I asked a lot of very difficult questions about everything and told him some of the bad things that I am still feeling, and he answered openly. I feel as though I have to look this thing in the eye before I can move on. He was silent and sad this morning (and my instinct is to cheer him up) but I think this is OK. I know he is positive and committed to clearing up this mess.

And i also think we are ready to go to Relate (I am now keener on the idea of the phone counselling so he can't be quite so charming and take over!).

I don;t know if anyone is still following this sorry saga, but the things I am still struggling with are:

How do you break down the madonna/whore thing? I;ve got a label on it now, but what to i do about it? How can I change this without losing my self respect? Given what has happened, I feel that if i 'dress up' for bed, I will seem like some sort of grotesque parody of the 20 yr old professionals he has been seeing. How can I get over this hurdle?

Also, how can I stop my knowledge of what has been going on from poisoning my memories of all the lovely times we have had as a family. When I look at photos now, I think, 'yes, we were having such a lovely happy time - but is he just thinking of the next time he can 'escape'?'. How can I stop thinking this?

And my other big thing is to find something for me, that I can focus on and achieve for myself. I am putting more effort into work and social contacts and I am actively seeking something positive that I can get stuck into. I've become anaemic over the last few months and have just taken steps to get that sorted (having a Mirena coil put in tomorrow) and i am looking forward to having more energy.

By the way, thank you very much for the offer to PM, TheSadTruth. I've very sorry to hear that you have been going through something similar (and sadposter, too) and my thoughts go out to you. I'm sorry though, but I'd rather keep everything here, in one place, and not popping into my email (we have a shared laptop). Sorry.

Thanks again to everyone.

Mrs J you are brilliant for updating this thread and I'm so pleased you did it. In the midst of your own pain and confusion, I notice too that you are unstinting in your support of others. You really do come across as a lovely woman - someone who really likes people. Your H has been unbelievably lucky to have had you at his side all these years.

I can imagine your frustration with the counsellor, breaching your confidentiality, forgetting things and allowing herself to be smarmed by your H. Perhaps a heterosexual male counsellor would have been better for you - and your joint sessions? Is there any way you could request that, as if you're still going to the centre that was so helpfully suggested downthread, this seems a better bet than Relate or a general counsellor? Any counsellor that makes you feel small or belittled or unreasonable should be avoided at all costs, but I do think you need someone, just someone different.

You might recall that I expressed downthread that I felt your H needed some clinical treatment for this addiction - and that a psychiatrist would perhaps be a better treatment solution for him.

I well understand your reluctance to mimic the escorts, although I understand that all you have wanted is for your H to see you the sexual side of you as part of the whole woman he loves. It seems he has to compartmentalise sex and at some level, I think he needs help resolving his view of female sexuality and women generally. A psychiatrist who specialises in sexual addiction and dysunction might just be able to do that. So I would shelve any plans at the moment to engage in the "bells and whistles" sex that he has been addicted to in the past.

I'm afraid I'm still sceptical about whether Relate or phone counselling would be able to help you. I might be doing them a great disservice and perhaps there are Relate therapists on here that can counter what I'm about to say, but I'm not sure they would have someone with the skills necessary to unpick this, plus I think he needs to see a qualified doctor, not a therapist.

The memories being tainted? That's hard isn't it? I know I still find it painful to see a photo from the summer of my H's affair, but on some of those memories I have made huge progress. Your H might tell you that while he was with you and the family, that's where he wanted to be. He perhaps saw the time spent with the escorts as a completely separate life and one didn't intrude on the other. One of the things that would be useful to talk about in your discussions would be those memories of family events. He needs to recall what he was feeling and his recollections might surprise you and help you.

Look at the photos together then and get some perspective on the memories. That really did help me.

I do think you should be thinking of yourself and achieving something that is just for you. It will help you enormously. But that might come later, after you have resolved some of the inner turmoil about your relationship.

There is a poster called Karmann on here who used a life coach instead of a traditional counsellor and this might be a good approach for you. This could be undertaken alongside the (different) counsellor from the centre, or instead of this person.

Hello Mrs J. I too am pleased that you've come back to give an update.

As WWIFN has mentioned I am using a life coach. I'm still seeing him and it is an absolute eye opener. He counsels me too but there is a lot of focus on the mind, thought processes and ways to label unpleasant events and 'let them go'. By letting them go, I don't mean forgetting them but taking away their ability to cause you pain.

When I started counselling I told him what I expected to achieve from it and I'm getting there. The past few months have been extremely difficult but I have coped with them far better than I would have without his teachings.

I devoted myself to my family and really forgot to give myself any value. I feel very much like a different person now. I do still have down days but they are much less than they were and not so consuming.

I really hope you will be able to find a counsellor that suits you.