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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Infidelity - how can I/we rebuild our life?

160 replies

MrsJellicle · 13/04/2010 23:14

Hello everyone

The facts:

My dh had an affair about 5 years ago with a colleague. I think I handled it all wrong at the time - just wanted to sew it all up inside and get back to normal as quickly as possible. He is still working with her - she's his assistant and although I do believe it is all over, I do know they still have a feeble-ish flirty relationship.

Then, after a year or so of suspicion and an unspeakable gradual build up of evidence, I finally found the strength to confront him just before Christmas. He confessed almost immediately to having seen escort girls every month or so for a period of about six years. After a weird period of elation (from having eventually found the truth) and then numbness, the true hurt kicked in. Real, physical pain from my heart. I can;t really describe it - it was an unbearable blur.

We have been together for 20 years, since we were teenagers. We have a lovely family and a lovely life we have built together. In spite of everything, I believe him when he says he loves me and that this was all in a 'compartment', completely separate from his wife and family. But equally, I understand that this was an extreme betrayal. It completely bewilders me. I think I am still in a state of shock...

But (and I know that some people will find this incomprehensible) I know that I want to stay and make this work. I am totally decided about that. My whole identity has been built around being a good wife and a good mum and I want to fight to make this work. I know that he is remorseful and he is making great efforts to change.

My question is - how can I/we possibly turn this around and make things right between us again? How can i get myself better? I can feel myself doing the same thing again - binding everything up inside we and just keeping plodding on, not being able to talk about it or get it sorted in my head.

I am in a muddle - no where near following any of the good advice I have read whilst desperately trying to find some comfort in finding people who have gone through something similar. I feel tired and old and cynical. I can't believe that this has happened to me - I almost refuse to believe it.

I would be very grateful indeed for any thoughts from any of you - especially those who have been through something similar.

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDragon · 14/04/2010 18:31

go for it, AF

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 18:32

yes, I did fab

and I probably didn't say "leave the fucker"

but for this one, I do

unless Op is willing to accept an open marriage (which she clearly isn't), I don't feel this man could be trusted...with my love, with my health, with my well-being

his attitude is outstandingly awful and I can't see a few cups of tea being made making much of a dent here, tbh

personally, I would fucking take him to the cleaners...and back again

but that is just me

kittya · 14/04/2010 18:37

They dont feel guilt, they are good play actors. Its a completely double life, isnt it? respectable father at the school gates, knows all the right people, takes you on smashing family holidays, then, the minute they can get away with work a whole seedy side comes out. Men like this hate women. I cant see whats worth saving. I often wonder whether their wives notice anything untoward about their sex lives or, if they just keep all the perverted stuff for their other women? I reckon once the lid is lifted there will be loads and loads of other women and, not all of them prostitutes. For your own pride you should walk from this. And, get yourself tested and for a smear, if you havent already done so.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 18:43

Pfft, stop it, you won't like me when I'm angry

kittya · 14/04/2010 18:44

what is pfft?

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 18:46

PfftTheMagicDragon...look at poster above

we are having a little side issue going on here

Apologies to MrsJellicle, I have no wish to hijack her thread with my silliness

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 14/04/2010 18:48

AF - you definitely wouldn't have said leave the fecker as that wasn't the issue!!

kittya · 14/04/2010 18:50

oh, I hate it when it goes onto the next page!

Yes, take him to the sodding cleaners. This man will never ever change? how old is he? flipping out him to his family as well. Imagine this bloke being your dad? its a terrible thought.

Doha · 14/04/2010 18:55

No AF it is not just you

I would take this twat to the cleaners.

A self obsessed selfish git who thought nothing of his wife and DC's while he was being serviced.

Horrified about what he has done--NO horrified that he got caught

This man will not change, he has his choice after OW abd thought he would get caught if he paid for it.

Where is your self respect Mrs J. get off your knees and get a life.

Sorry to seem harsh but you need to open your eyes. What would your reaction be if you were reading this posted by someone else???

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 18:56

oh, ok then fab

Doha · 14/04/2010 18:59

oops would Not get caught sorry

kittya · 14/04/2010 19:01

There are no excuses for this blokes behaviour. I dont know how you can bare to be in the same bed as him, without dissinfecting him.

DandyLioness · 14/04/2010 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 20:01

DL, I think the reason that particular point wasn't picked up on, is the fact that some of us just didn't know where to start !!

I mean...where do you go with trying to convince someone of the sheer wrongness of their situation without either...

being actually very hurtful indeed to a lady who sounds lovely but about as deluded as a person could possibly be
losing your fucking temper and ranting at blood-pressure splitting levels

So...you rein yourself in (badly and ineffectively, tbh) in the hope that someone more reasonable than me could find a chink in that denial...

Malificence · 14/04/2010 20:19

I'd be doing time by now. It would be worth it for having my life torn apart by such a bastard, I'm sorry OP but to me he is a monster.

Someone who pays women for sex is inadequate on so many levels, as a man, as a husband and as a father. He may not be the very worst type of man, but he's not far off.
The actual affair is the very least of it.

bobbiewickham · 14/04/2010 20:22

I agree with you, Mal.

So low.

needsdirection · 14/04/2010 20:27

MrsJ - to echo what everyone else has said, you sound thoughtful, intelligent and kind, and are obviously aware that life is not all black and white but many shades of grey, which makes decisions hard sometimes.

I also think the desire to forgive is a noble one and I understand why you want to be able to let go and move on. If this had been a one-off affair/fling from your dh, then I would imagine forgivness and rebuilding your marriage would be possible, with lots of work on both sides.

However, your dh has repeatedly, consciously betrayed you - and the idea that he didn't do it to 'intentionally' hurt you is nonsense. He has behaved in a way that he knew would hurt you if you found out and just carried on regardless. I cannot imagine that someone capable of such sustained levels of selfishness and deceit can just switch that off overnight and turn into the kind, faithful family man you (rightly) want. He is a liar and a cheat and liars and cheats don't suddenly turn decent and honest and stay that way for the rest of their lives.

You have already said you don't trust him, and without trust a marriage can only rot. You're holding onto a picture of a marriage that you believed in, but (I'm sorry if this is cruel) it was an illusion. You didn't have the sort of marriage you're striving to keep and I don't think you ever will with this man.

Your dh hasn't been able to be honest with you; it's up to you to be honest with yourself, as painful as that might be. Try to see things as they are, not as he is trying to portray them. Try to realise that small kindnesses - as important as they are in a marriage - are not adequate recompense for what he's done. Think what it says about him and his relationship to you that he was able to do what he did for so long, even if he says he's sorry now. Try not to be grateful for the small crumbs he's throwing your way after so many years of treating you with absolutely no respect. Don't ignore nagging doubts. Think about whether you want to be posting on here again next year bc you've discovered another infidelity. Think about whether you want to be the sort of woman who will accept being treated like this because the outward picture of a perfect family life is more important.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this, it sounds horrendous; and I hope you will remember to put yourself first, and find a way out to happier times.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 20:30

ah, needsdirection just posted what I alluded to...so reasonable and much less likely to send OP off screaming for the hills

Malificence · 14/04/2010 20:40

You know I rarely do reasonable AF.

My sister was married for 25 years to such a creature, everyone ( but me, it seems) thought he was charm personified - he is now shacked up with a much older, disabled ( but rich) woman - he goes to Thailand for weeks at a time to go "diving" - nice eh?

needsdirection · 14/04/2010 20:42

Ah, but AF - you are always spot on, and always pithy, which probably has more lasting effect. I'm a serial lurker round here but had the urge to write something tonight, it's such a sad op.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 20:45

I know Mal, I get the impression sometimes though that rants like "wtf are you doing, woman!!!" will just drive these women further into the arms of abusers as they are programmed to spring to their defence

I know a lot of what I post is likely to do that, tbh

I really, really struggle to rein it in though

However, when accusatiosn fly that "you wouldn't say these things in RL"...actually, I would, and I do

PfftTheMagicDragon · 14/04/2010 21:01

How do you know that he is not still seeing the woman at work?

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 21:02

no, nd, your approach was better in this scenario, of that I am certain

Original poster

MrsJellicle · 14/04/2010 21:25

Thank you all once again for giving me the benefit of your time and thought. There is so much here that it is difficult to take in all at once.

I can understand the strong feelings and the fact that some people will find my position incomprehensible if not lunatic. If I had been advising a friend in a similar position (and believe it or not, given what an f* up I have made of my own life, people do turn to me for help!), then I know that I would be outraged on her behalf.

But as needsdirection implied, I live in the grey zone, where nothing is clear cut or straightforward anymore. I do want to give him a chance. It isn't just delusion - we did have a good marriage before all this started and I want to get back to that. It can't possibly be any worse than this, so it has to get better.

I know the fact that he still works with his (ex)mistress is weird. I think the argument was that he would have to leave if it all came out because his reputation would be damaged and it would be unsustainable for him to stay. At the time I bought this because i couldn't face all the uncertainty of a complete change of life (he siad he wouldn't get a similar job in the place where we live - it would have to be a complete and total change). I also thought (she said truthfully but trepidatiously, knowing that they will all think she is mad) I thought that messing up their careers woudl be too high a price for them to have to pay for their mistake.

I think it is too late to try to do anything about it now. Anyway, i think the OW is the least of my problems and in fact I feel v sorry for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsJellicle · 14/04/2010 21:29

Pfft - I know because I secretly read all his work emails. (Don;t feel good about it but don;t feel too bad either).

OP posts:

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