Infidelity - how can I/we rebuild our life?

[MrsJellicle]

Hello everyone

The facts:

My dh had an affair about 5 years ago with a colleague. I think I handled it all wrong at the time - just wanted to sew it all up inside and get back to normal as quickly as possible. He is still working with her - she's his assistant and although I do believe it is all over, I do know they still have a feeble-ish flirty relationship.

Then, after a year or so of suspicion and an unspeakable gradual build up of evidence, I finally found the strength to confront him just before Christmas. He confessed almost immediately to having seen escort girls every month or so for a period of about six years. After a weird period of elation (from having eventually found the truth) and then numbness, the true hurt kicked in. Real, physical pain from my heart. I can;t really describe it - it was an unbearable blur.

We have been together for 20 years, since we were teenagers. We have a lovely family and a lovely life we have built together. In spite of everything, I believe him when he says he loves me and that this was all in a 'compartment', completely separate from his wife and family. But equally, I understand that this was an extreme betrayal. It completely bewilders me. I think I am still in a state of shock...

But (and I know that some people will find this incomprehensible) I know that I want to stay and make this work. I am totally decided about that. My whole identity has been built around being a good wife and a good mum and I want to fight to make this work. I know that he is remorseful and he is making great efforts to change.

My question is - how can I/we possibly turn this around and make things right between us again? How can i get myself better? I can feel myself doing the same thing again - binding everything up inside we and just keeping plodding on, not being able to talk about it or get it sorted in my head.

I am in a muddle - no where near following any of the good advice I have read whilst desperately trying to find some comfort in finding people who have gone through something similar. I feel tired and old and cynical. I can't believe that this has happened to me - I almost refuse to believe it.

I would be very grateful indeed for any thoughts from any of you - especially those who have been through something similar.

My parents went to relate and it helped, I hope it does for you too.

Not by me you wont, sometimes plain speaking gets through where the flowery stuff doesn't.

That was to AF btw

thanks MO, gonna -X- about it now

Your husband sounds like Donald Draper.

Madonna complex about his wife at home, high powered job, fucking around on the side for years. Loves his family and his children adore him, yet he's been keeping secrets from them for years and years.

Might seem frivolous to compare your real life situation to that of a fictional character but I can't help but see the resemblance. And no matter how he tried, Don Draper never changed.

It's a long time to lie to you for.

You need to see a therapist. Away from your husband. Why is your self worth so irrevocably tied to your house/husband/children/marriage? What is your parents relationship like? Why are you so focused at all costs on saving your marriage? What if it destroys you?

MrsJ - I haven't read all the thread but won't bore you with why, I just wanted to say if you want to stay married and fight to make your marriage better, then do it. People who say you should leave do not live your life and have to deal with a whole different life, they can't possibly, they are not you.

You have several options and you have to decide how you want to proceed.

FWIW just because he went with someone else doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He was thinking with his dick, not his head.

err, fab, with respect, several someone elses over a long period of time

I agree though, only Op knows what she is willing to overlook

which I realise is not quite what you are saying

I just think people are very quick to say leave him/you are a mug if you stay when this is someone's life. It isn't that easy.

Just because someone has a different opinion than what is normally expected doesn't make me mad or deranged. I didn't think we were on this site to judge others.

I am not a complete idiot to not know that there has been a lot of disappointment, anger,sadness, sorrow etc felt. My point was that it can't be changed but how you face today can. You can chose to waste 24hours of precious life hurting or you can open your hand to take theirs and see where that leads.

Relationships aren't always built on trust in the real world but respect goes along way.

I am sure that he is feeling his own range of emotions and its not easy when you see the person you love going through emotions that you caused and you can't comfort them.

Life is precious...

Tavistock would be good, but is this you doing the research and not him? Honestly love, this is just you cleaning up another mess really isn't it? It shouldn't take more than a second's thought that he needs a psychiatrist and if he's got the funds, then he can shortcut to a really good private practitioner.

But this has got to come from him not you. He should be doing the research and making the phone calls.

I suspect Relate would be woefully incapable of dealing with his issues - and that's not meant to diss Relate, but you're right, it's like using a towel to clean up a major flood.

< sits on hands > (not you Fabby)

sorrow.

I understand your (rather flowery and hippy logic) but it all smells like bullshit to me.

Lets all just let our husbands fuck us over, not waste time being sad about it and just move on and live our lives. When does the part where the women stop getting shat on from a height start?

I'm not sure where the respect is in this situation?

well there we go, i was so distracted by the post, I called you sorrow and not sparkles...

Maybe it is appropriate

I didn't say anything about not hurting but if you decide to stay in the relationship then work through both your emotions together. Build new memories and take positive steps to move forward. You can't live in the anger and do this. You both have to let go.

There is sorrow involved. Its like the death of the 'illusion' and reality kicks in. Fear of the unknown.

The gentleman has hurt himself with guilt over the years I am sure. I have never met either party so I am not going to judge why it all occurred. I am sure there are beautiful qualities in each person. We werent all born perfect and people might not change but we as humans can evolve with lessons learnt.

and just for the record I am far from a hippy...I am just someone who has been through a lot of bullshit in my life and survived..

somebody please hold me back...

wwifn, Pfft...help me

obviously people on here would prefer I just jumped on the normal bandwagon and said...for fucks sake what a bastard he was...dump him, he must be a right shit.

Maybe hes just a nice bloke who made a mistake and unfortunately people got hurt.....

Show me the perfect person..

AF, I have never met you but I can just see your face right now...

AF of course its the Madonna/whore thing. Nevermind the prostitutes what about the ones he probably hasnt paid for? there is much more to this, I feel. OP, my heart goes out to you.

hello everyone. I have certainly had a range of opinion! Thank you all.

I will return later to unpick some of this, but junior monopoly and teatime are intervening.

sparkles22 has a point in that the past can't be changed. MrsJ can't do anything to make her husband not have shagged other women but that is all I am agreeing with..

Pleased to hear it AF .

just didn't want you to think my badly-controlled face was at you, fab

I just dont understand what is worth saving. You will never, ever beable to get the thought of him shagging such a variety of women out of your head. If he has an illness its not your problem to fix. I know someone like him who has been doing this for 20 years, and, his wife only married him last year after been with him and having his children for the past 18 years so its amazing what some women will choose to overlook.

poor fucker - riddled with guilt, how does he survive? Lets not hope it kills him, eh?

AF - I could easily be wrong but I am sure you posted on my threads when I was having relationship issues a year or so ago and know you wouldn't pick me apart without very good reason. I respect your opinion .