Mrs Jellicle
I have joined Mumsnet specifically to respond to you.
Two years ago, I discovered that my DP had been bringing prostitutes into our home whenever I was away for work (about once a month) and my children were with their father. He had been doing this for three years. We have been together for 11 years since my children were 3 and 5 and I thought we had a fantastic, loving relationship. I and my children trusted him completely as he is in most ways an interesting, fun, confident, lovely, caring man. He is not perfect and could certainly be selfish, and like your H had insecurities behind the outward confidence.
Like your husband he liked (was addicted to) the risk taking, the buzz and the thrill, he also liked being able to "have what he wanted, when he wanted it" and of course the high of sexual gratification.
He saw nothing of the consequences of his actions and thought literally nothing at all about the women as people. This was at complete odds with his very real sense of social justice in his normal life. He also had completely compartmentalized this part of his life from his 'normal' daily life. This is why it is called 'acting out' and was almost impossible to me to understand. Even when I had found out, it was so shocking that it was like watching it happen to someone else on the television.
When I found out (he had accidently left open an online escort website when he was booking a prostitute), it rocked the foundations of my whole world. I just couldn't reconcile this person with the man that I know, love and live with and I had not even a single suspicion. I could not believe that he had put my family and I at such risk - in our home.
My first reaction was one of absolute confusion, anger, hurt and of course to tell him to leave. He was utterly devastated and appeared horrified about what he had been doing. It was so completely opposite to the values by which he seemed to live day-to-day. He seemed almost relieved that I had found out.
When I first found out, he did try to rationalize his behaviour which is part of the denial and it is easy for us as partners to fall into our own denial and immerse ourselves in keeping everything going. Like you, I could initially keep busy with daily life. There was no way that I would have talked about it to anyone I knew and certainly would not have told my children. I felt somehow that it was my fault and that I should have been 'better' in some way.
There are a couple of things that were of knowledgeable, practical, active help in those early days;
First, a book about understanding sexual addiction called 'Out of the Shadows' by Patrick Carne.
Second the British Association of Sexual and Relationship Therapy. you can find them on www.basrt.org.uk
BASRT have knowledgeable, trained therapists for both you and your husband, they understand exactly the problem, they are not shocked and can help. The only advice I can give you is to book an appointment with one of these for yourself. For you, a BASRT therapist will be able to help you understand and be able to give you personally some support. Later, you may want joint counselling but not yet.
Your husband should also see a BASRT recommended therapist but do so separately. Your husband has a problem, it is his problem and he needs to help himself. If he really means it when he tells you he is genuinely sorry then he must get help for himself, on his own. He no doubt will be feeling scared about what will come out, there may be other lies but he must get help if he is to recover and you both are eventually to have any chance of rebuilding your relationship.
The most important thing for you to understand is that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, you have done nothing wrong. Look after you for a while.
I hope this note is of some practical help.