Been reading a good book someone lent me. There is this section and I am that woman he discusses. Everything he says is how I feel. Thought I'd share it with my fellow dumplings:
Although you are the innocent party, you may feel that you contributed to the breakdown of your marriage. This may contain an element of truth. As stress escalated in the marriage, you may have overreacted, even though you were not the main cause of the divorce.
As a woman you may have had a cruel, unfaithful husband tell you repeatedly that he never really loved you, that you were too young when you got married. Or he may have attacked the very core of the relationship, telling you that you were not woman enough to satisfy him, that you never really understood him or met his needs, This sort of abuse occurs only too often. One of the commonest ruses of an unfaithful partner is to condone his unfaithfulness by foisting the blame on the partner.
The emotionally devastated partner is in a state of shock. She cannot believe all this is happening to her. She seeks some explanation for her husband's behaviour. To her mind there must be a reason, so she believes his accusations. She feels can correct her short comings, the relationship will be restored. In this way she piles guilt upon guilt.
It is imperative to distinguish between true and false guilt. If you contributed towards the breakdown of the marriage, that constitutes true guilt. Your life will be a misery however, if you listen to false accusations and accept guilt that does not belong to you. You must refuse to believe false accusations and reject the pressure to feel guilty about things you have not done. Although the problem with false guilt applies to both men and women, women are particularly prone to carrying this burden. This may be because of their greater commitment to keeping the family intact. Whatever the reason, it is important to deal with false guilt....
Men and women do not always need special reasons to do the things they do other than the simple fact they want to. As a woman you may find it hard to accept that your spouse does not want you any more because he has found someone else. He needs no reasons for this, nor does she. Their guilty consciences will invent reasons, but they are doing what they want to do and you may have nothing whatever to do with their decision. They are the guilty ones not you.
(Extract from Divorce by Frank Retief)