ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 4

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Starting tea mumfun - thankyou xxx

After me now 1 2 3

What goes around comes around What goes around comes around .

Anyway exh kissed like the spin cycle on a washing machine dont know where that came from time to buzz off

Ya & my xh is bound to get a nasty dose of something, hopefully itchy & v v painful & hard to cure

Well done Startin on not raging down the phone at the wank.That is Olympic gold standard self control that i for one can only dream of .My own personal achievement of not committing criminal damage to several individuals personal property was only hampered by my severe lack of babysitters, i have sat and thought that as a first time offender i would possibly get a way with just
community service ,
but now i see the error of my negative visualisations ....that i would have only been reflecting my negativity back upon myself and strayed off my path for inner peace .

Gettin' crying is good to release repressed emotions, it isnt wrong to feel resentment but IMO what you are working on is feeling that raw pain ,anger and resentment but not holding onto it,not putting it in your backpack and carrying it around with you for years to come FEEL it EMBRACE the emotion then get those FORWARDS march boots back on when you can .Also I think tears are better than anger around the dcs,sometimes i would wail uncontrollabe in front of dcs i couldnt keep it in til bedtime,when they asked whats wrong mummy i would say daddy has made mummy a bit sad,but i love you very much.Unrealistic that i wouldnt cry in hindsight .Everyday you try your best ,but you didnt smash his windscreen in town or boot his shiny paintwork while swearing at him {another commendable example of extreme dumpling self control},so a wail and a weep is what you felt like doing and you did !

Re straightening irons section your hair off with bobbles 1 or 2 and watch you dont burn yourself ffs ,start of at a low setting and turn it up if it needs a bit ,prob not need any wax cos your hair will be really healthy but you just have to xperiment TBH i have a shoulder length layered look goin on atm but ask ur hairdresser for advice next time ur in.You can get all sorts of straightening products to protect your hair just shop around x

ps listen to that paul weller tune broken stones that i posted i love it when i need to mellow right out.

was talking to some one today about self esteem and she said she goes to the cooker and turns the dial to zero then turns it to max and as she is doin it she fills herself up with positivity i think i will try the reverse for extreme rage going from 250'C to ZERO for ice cool maybees whilst doing some deep breathing x

Belated birthday greetings Tea hope dd getting the hang of the potty thing x

Waves to all dumplings near and far wishing you great joy and inner peace x

Hello ..... I was told by my husband that he no longer loves me he told me this on Saturday. He said he hasn't felt right for 2 yrs. We have 2 dcs 4 and 20 months.

Hello Armbow Welcome to our thread.

Do you have a separate thread about everything too?

Feel free to share on here x

yes i have another thread with all the details.

thanks,

wierd isn't it how you can love someone but hate them at the same time?

I have not read all through your threads - I am going to sit down tonight and acquaint myself.

Just posted on your other thread. I'm so sorry Armbow But you will come to a stage soon where you're relieved. I now sleep better at night and no longer wonder where he is, if he's lying to me, when he'll be home etc. Or in your case constantly trying to save your marriage and keep it perfect so he doesn't leave. At least that's the impression I got. As we like to say on here he's a twunt of the first order love. I actually enjoy being without him now. I can do what I want when I want with DCs and feel so free not having his bad attitude/ depression/ anger in my home with DCs. Its so nice. I never would've thought that a few months ago. Of course I still have moments of utter rage at what he's done but my house is now a haven of peace like never before.

Share anything you like or feel on here x

Maybees - thankyou so much . I too think its ok for the dcs to sometimes see me feel upset so that they know they can be too and it doesnt have to be hidden. When this all began and I was in tears a lot it helped that they were at school all day so I could let it out then get back under control. I think they felt a bit funny going round to ow for bbq I had assumed exh would take them out for birthday meal and then spend evening with ow 8pm onwards after dropping them home. He is such a twunt and I am furious that he cant recognise they would have preferred that too. I think he is trying to wheedle her and her dcs in on "happy" occasions to help my cs accept her. Never would have given him credit for such behaviour where they are concerned

Anyway maybees thanks for hair tips but can I ask is your hair coloured ? On a review site I saw that there were 3 comments not to use Wet2Straight on coloured hair because it had ruined their and the last thing I need to be facing is bad hair !

Armbow I am so sorry and hugs to you but I agree with tea and when I found this thread a couple of weeks ago and read through it really helped. I will find your other thread because if tea is right that is exactly what I did for years trying to hold onto someone who I shouldnt have.

Morning starting thanks for your lovely post too x

Anyway Dumplings you may have deduced from my slightly less sobbing tone that I have woken up today feeling sooo much better. I have been to the gym and had my quota of the utterly gorgeous personal trainer there. He is way out of my league but has been smiling at me loads but I realised last week this was just to butter me up to ask if I would like a pt session..sigh. Anyway no harm in daydreaming

Today I am going to get loads done and I am back on track , off to do some computer practice and then get some job research done. Maybees today I am wearing my FORWARD marching boots

Welcome Armbow but sorry you had to join this club

Getting - glad you feel better today. Mmm Im interested in the straightener queestion as I have coloured hair too.

Maybees - good info on getting the rage/anger out now. I didnt know that repressed anger can turn to depression until I saw counsellor. I have another friend who says that repressed anger is also found as a factor in some individuals who get cancer. Im glad I have worked a lot of anger out.

Starting Im glad you had a good day. I too would love to tell the DCs many times what their dad has done before they speak very excited to him on the phone.

But another point the counsellor said to me about H and OW - they can never undo what is done. They will have to live with it forever. Powerful scary stuff.

And my first saying from other site is: Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. This is when you first find out your marriage is in trouble. You may be able to get your marriage back on track but best to prepare for the worst (even if it feels unbelievably painful to even consider this)

So and with reference for new joiners you should:

1. Know your rights. Information is power and you need to know your legal/financial situation. You should visit a lawyer or get other competent advice. You may not need it long term but its good to have it.
2. If you think your H may hide information in the future make copies of important financial documents now as they may hide them later. Especially important if they are self employed/have own business 3)Think through whether you need to be tested for STDS - is there an OW. Is there a possibility? You need to protect yourself and DCs
3. Be open to the fact that there may be an OW. It may seem impossible but just be open to the fact especially if they have said they need space, arent in love with you anymore.
4. Think about having counselling for yourself. A lot of dumplings have really benefitted from this. In the UK you may get some sessions from referral from your GP -on NHS.
5. You may need to find out about benefits you are entitled to via visit to Benefits Office, CAB or online research.

Welcome to post additions if this helps

Waves to all...

Getting, glad you're feeling better today. Agree that it's good for dc's to see you showing emotion, in hindsight I prob hid too much from mine trying to protect them.

Armbow, sorry to hear what's happened with your h. I'll read your other thread tonight when I get a chance. Horrible place to be with such small dc's

Tea, my home is a peaceful haven now aswell tg. Glad you've found peace.

Mumfun, wise words from counsellor about never being able to undo what's been done. However I do wonder if some of them ever actually allow themselves to even think about that

Managed to have a good day with dc's again today tg. However am sitting here now feeling a combination of sadness & anger. Exh got someone who works for him to text me today to make arrangements about access for dc's tomorrow. FFS is it too much to ask that he could treat me with the minimum of respect?? Despite everything he's done I have always treated him with respect, why can he not do the same back?? Text back to say he needed to make arrangements himself & heard nothing since. Is it too much to ask that he would just send a text himself?? I am seriously getting really really p**d off of exh. Don't know how I'm going to cope moving forward with him, he just makes everything so so difficult. I feel at the end of my tether . Rant over

Wow, what a lot of chat the last few days.

Its really lovely to see that even though some of you are having a hard time, everyone is focusing on moving forward, and learning from all the crap we go through.

getting - If my H had a mid-life crisis car I'd be wanting to key it. Mine spends what little spare money 'we' have on twice-a-week counselling instead though. You're perfectly entitled to not want to have to have your face rubbed in stuff to do with the OW though :/

I wouldn't get him anything for his birthday either. (H hasn't got me anything so far (but it apparently going to) as he didn't want to get my anything that could be 'misinterpreted')

starting - I haven't had to deal with H being with anyone else (AFAIK, but I really don't think so) but things like the swinging would make me feel quite sick too - I don't think I'd be able to hold back from calling him a pervert, so you've got more self control than me!

I have the wet to straight straighteners and have used them on coloured hair without any problems, although I haven't used them in ages.

Quick welcome to armbow and then I have to go as DD is just waking up after a nice long nap!

Hi everyone, sooo much chat at the moment it's hard to know what to say to who

And my head is not straight either tbh as I have had the month from hell and in particular just had 48 hours from even bigger hell. So bad that I have actually had to take time off work now to work out what to do . For those of you who know some of the story (which I can't really post here), DS has not been good at all for the last few days and all has come to a head. Have sought help and by the end of the week things may be better or worse depending how things go. I have never been religious but please pray for me and DS - we need some luck and serenity.

Will attempt to comment on recent posts!

Chair, lovely to see you seem to be doing well - you are a strong lady
Tea and MumFun, glad to see that you are posting wise words as always
Starting, your XH is a prize twunt - it's amazing that you can deal with him so sensibly, hold your head high and continue to focus on yourself and the DC's
Maybees, hope you are retaining your serenity today
Getting, you have got us all chatting avidly and that's nice to see - keep on thread
Armbow, have read all of your thread, good to see you here but sorry you have had to join. I hope your XH is clear of OW. In my case, Bald Eagle continued to say it was a friendship throughout and only ever admitted anything when I found evidence. I think he just didn't want to be seen as the bad guy and wanted to keep believing that this was to do with our poor marriage and not with Country Bumpkin. He had a major depression at home for months while he continued with his affair, looked awful, slept all of the time, shouted at me, etc - and in the end I think it was all because deep down he knew he was doing wrong but couldn't admit it to himself. We wasted hundreds on relate whilst he refused to talk in the sessions and was not honest. Even when he left he refused to be honest with the kids (who are teens) and told me it was not a real relationship whilst having her to stay for weekends.

Happy, really sorry to hear things so bad for you with ds atm. I do believe in a god & will indeed pray for you, your family & ds. In fact your post has made me think I need to pray about my own situation aswell atm. I have been doing it but not really in a focused way. Normally if something is really upsetting me I visit church & light candles for 5/6 consecutive days & really find it helps. Will start doing this tomorrow for you & me both.

starting

Methinks I will light my ginger candle now for us all too (looks for matches)

It's a nice song with an apt heading

what have I done to deserve this?

Am glad to be free of twunt tho; it's just the aftermath DCwise that is my problem

Tell you what, if this week doesn't get any better I will be throwing myself at musicman, just for some light relief

V good choice & v appropriate Happy. It's the connection with dc's that I'm struggling with too.......... I have to hand my dc's over tomorow to someone who doesn't even have the respect to communicate with me (even by text) & I now have the added nice thoughts of him swinging with 24 year olds fu**ing fed up!

Hugs to all will say a prayer too Happy ,i know i have posted this before but it has helped me thru so much......

Let nothing disturb you,
Nothing frighten you,
All things are passing,
God never changes,
Patience obtains all things.
Nothing is wanting to him who possesses God,
God alone suffices.

Getting lovin those boots honey,i think generally any heat treatment is bad for your hair but if you use deep conditioners and get ur haircut regularly thats your best plan.Best advice is ask your hairdresser re the condition of your hair if your worried because its coloured,also you could post a thread on the style and beauty thread and still have curly days too if your style allows and dry naturally .All about nourishment i think but i agree take your time and suss things out x

Love that Maybees & for those less religious remember GOD also stands for Good Orderly Direction

Nice one Maybees

Starting et al I think we need this

prayer note that it takes a while to get going

armbow try and stay in the day as much as you can, try not to trip out on stuff you dont know yet [i know its hard not to]look after yourself you will discover a strength and independence you never knew you had,look after yourself.I remember at the start someone said to me this might be it,he might not be coming back so concentate on creating a stable environment for you and the dcs atm and detatch from him because you cant fix him he can only do that himself and space is what i needed from h.take care of yourself it is an emotional rollercoaster keep posting i got so much [and still do]from this thread x

Startin' re wise old owl....better than a grumpy old crow....

Good Morning everyone !!!

thanks for all you kind words of encouragement and advice (both on this thread and my other one too!!!)

I have an unerving suspicion that I am hoping he will come back despite everything. I have promised myself that this time it is going to get done properly. i have to live this now as though he is not coming back from this moment on. not quite sure how i can do that but i will try.

he is coming round tonight to see the kids - I will go for a run.

today I will:
1)get all the forms i need re tax credits etc.
2)tell him that he has to stay away as much as possible as it is affecting me moving on.

I have read through as much of your thread as i can (have to admit to not keeping up with most it tho ) but what is it you guys say?... Putting my forward marhcing boots on!

Chin up, tits out is another saying on here

Yes you should be eligible for quite a lot of things. You can call tax credits, you don't need to fill in form as far as I'm aware. Be a bit of a wait on hold as people are renewing right now so the phones are mad. They were so helpful when I spearated from h.

BTW you do have your own back account don't you? Everything should go into that. Child benefit, tax credits etc.

I still say go into citizens advice, you'll be surprised what you're eligible for, and it will help you to know your rights. Especially regading the house etc.