Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:50

my sister had to leave this morning.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 14:51

That's the most real thing he has expressed so far, HBM. This is the truth that you're dealing with now. The other texts and the emails were him doing an act for your (his) benefit. They came from his head. The sudden silence and the reticence about her number is his heart speaking.

I would also put the 'give the kids a hug' message in the same category. This is an unsubtle way to remind you that there are children involved here and an attempt to get his foot back in the door just because of them. He has conveniently remembered them now that the sh#t has hit the fan, but they were a long way from his mind (or whatever part of his anatomy it was that he was doing his thinking with) while he and the OW were at that Christmas do. Reminders to you about the children are an attempt at manipulation.

I also think the alleged drunkenness of the OW is not the truth. He is covering up for her, and for himself too, to try to make it seem like something purely spur of the moment and also 'just' sexual. He is so self-deluded that he doesn't see that this makes him look like a complete creep, taking advantage of a drunk woman at the Christmas outing (what a sad cliche). My guess is that you would never have heard him admit anything unless the OW's H hadn't found out.

dizietsma · 30/03/2010 14:53

So sorry HBM, he's been a total bastard to you

As far as getting to the truth of what happened I would try guessing passwords to email and facebook accounts. Also to online banking and phone bills etc.

Calling OW's OH, as weird and unpleasant as it sounds, will also bear fruit.

You have every right to be incandescently furious and grief stricken all at once.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/03/2010 14:55

Oh love, are you on your own then? Can anyone in RL come round?

bossyboop · 30/03/2010 14:57

oh well that would probably be the point where i would say in that case i dont want to see you, 2 different occasions makes it very different or at least it would for me. His loss though, there is light at the end of the tunnel, you will be happy again. If i was certain it was final I would distract myself with practicalities and start with CAB for advice, even just browsing the site.

I think it would have to be something major for me and dh to part but thats not to say i havent made sure I know what would happen if we did. When I looked at child maintenance i was shocked by how much he would have to pay I dont really know how he would afford it if he had his own set of bills to pay, in fact despite me being a sahm and him having a good job i would end up being better off financially than he would be if we split! Keeping busy with the practical stuff would show him i meant business as well as being a distraction from crying and a positive step, looking towards the future. (its good to know where you would stand if you became a single parent as it shows you arent going to be financially dependant on them otherwise they would think they could get away with anything coz u need them)

You have the dc, so no matter what happens you at least have that to smile about and somewher down the line you will meet someone else much better and that is something to look forward to.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 30/03/2010 14:57

Just read through this and I am so sad and angry on your behalf, HBM.

Just wanted to say you seem to be doing really well so far- I admire your strength, as I imagine I would not be so capable. Keep on going. Show the bastard how strong you can be. I really hope things get better for you

mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 15:02

Missed so much while answering the door before posting.

xxxxx to you, HBM. This is the hurt that keeps on hurting.

But you need to get yourself std checked -- maybe your midwife could help? Nothing helps you see things in the right perspective like asking for an std test for yourself because you've been sleeping with your husband.

I agree with WWIFN -- this was going on right up to the last minute, probably still is. I would call the OW's H. Questions unanswered or half answered will eat you alive, HBM.

livingthehighlife · 30/03/2010 15:02

I've just read thru every post in this thread.

I am so so so sorry for what you are going thru. My heart truly goes out to you and your children.

I will never understand how as human beings, we can do such horrible things to one another.
Please don't let this destroy you. You have been given some great advice here, particularly from whenwillifeelnormal and anyfucker.

I will be following this thread to see how things turn out for you.

My sincerest heartfelt thoughts and best wishes to you xx

TheGashlycrumbTinies · 30/03/2010 15:06

HBM- Do you have anyone who can come round?

Sorry your sister had to leave, would it be feasible to go to stay with anyone?

Very sorry.

motherlovebone · 30/03/2010 15:10

Had to post, great advice from the Mumsnet Genii, you are in good hands.

Lots of folks at home, silently wishing you well, sending our love.

ladylush · 30/03/2010 15:11

He told you twice on the one night because he knew there was no way you could forgive him if he continued seeing her. It took several days for my h to tell me the whole truth. I didn't get it from the ow -she lied even more than h. It is so awful when it comes out in dribs and drabs - torture. Do you feel the need to find out everything that happened - even though you don't want him back? If so, maybe you should delay telling him that. Sounds devious - but do what you need to do to find some peace. You are the injured party here.

Karmann · 30/03/2010 15:32

I spoke to the husband of my H's OW and he was really supportive, in fact, for a time we helped each other through it. Not suggesting this is right for everyone but it helped me (and him).

I really think you need to stop the texts, it's impossible to hold a full and frank discussion this way. You need to see him face to face (but only when you are ready) and watch his reactions. Text will give him a better opportunity to keep things to himself, if you know him well enough to see when he's lying you can only do that face to face.

Although you have had shock number two today, it is still possible to get through this, and it is likely that there are more to come. You do not have to make any decisions right now.

Keep posting, you are doing really, really well.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 15:36

sorry been processing all the info, and crying.

hes sent me a barrage of texts, but ive not replied. i mean 6 years together 2 children and all he can go is text. good fighting isnt it.

i am all over the place at the. kids know something is up, and i cant seem to give them any attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 15:40

the fact is it was an affair and it only stopped as they got found out.

now he feels a tool as he's lost out all round. i hope it was worth it.

its really hards as i want to go to see my family etc, but i teach in the evenings and i have a class tomorrow which i just dont want to cancel, i hate letting people down. so for now im here, with grumpy children, feeling like shit, but hey ho. i can get through it.

(back to acceptance stage, wont last long...no tears back!)
god damn it

OP posts:
motherlovebone · 30/03/2010 15:41

C beebies?

any treats in the house to placate them?

mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 15:42

Put on some dvds for the LOs, make some popcorn, don't overextend yourself with housework or any other effort, make yourself a cuppa. Turn off the phone.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 15:44

for fucks sake, now my father in law is texting me.

please please forgive him, he cant stop crying.....blah blah blah

what a load of shit, if your that sorry at least bang on the front door till i throw water over you. not sit around feeling sorry for yourself.

pricks

wow how symbolic, theres thunder! i love thunder (think i'm becoming delirious)

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 15:46

c beebies been on all day!! for lunch my daughter had pizza and m&m's and my son is pulling all the tissues out the box! really am not straining myself!

OP posts:
livingthehighlife · 30/03/2010 15:46

Yes it is inevitable that your kids will sense that something is up.

BUT you did not create this.

Maybe some cuddles for mummy might feel good right now? I know i cuddled my little boy to death whenever i split from his dad.

Go easy on yourself right now xxx

ducati · 30/03/2010 15:47

I am so moved by your story and the turmoil you are in. I was in the exact same place a year ago tho for different reasons (husband had major breakdown and was total shit for 6 months to me) so I so sympathise with the fury/sorrow/jealousy/misery rollercoaster you are on.

Several things occur to me.

  1. friends/family are great for support, but not so great for advice. You have to decide what is right for you, and that can be really hard. People with best intentions saying "I could never have a man back after that" or "It was clearly a mistake, you should forgive him" or whatever are not that helpful. I have found best support is from people who have been thru something terrible themselves and just sympathise with how awful it is

  2. things may not be resolved very quickly. even if he comes home etc so prepare for many more months (can't bear to mention years) on the emotional rollercoaster

  3. I was so interested in posts about men "fighting" for their women. if my dh had fought for me after all the horrible stuff and basically said "i do not want to lose you over this", it would have made all difference. But some men too proud, some men are not capable of it and some men don't think they should have to make that sort of effort for a woman. you might want to mention to dh that this sort of "I don't want to lose you" fight from him would reassure you -- if that is how you feel.

good luck. life really is shit sometimes....

motherlovebone · 30/03/2010 15:47

hes shitting it, thats why he is getting them to test the water.

hiding there until you say he can come home

COME ON THUNDER!

livingthehighlife · 30/03/2010 15:48

You have the right to tell everyone that this is between you and your H.

You need space and time to yourself right now, not a barrage of texts from everyone.

If you are going to say anthing tho, tell them to tell their son to grow a pair and fight his own bloody battles. If he wants you back so badly then show it.

Rossco · 30/03/2010 15:49

I've just read through this and am angry on your behalf!

Turn your phone off, no texts, no nothing for a while to give yourself time to think about what to do next.

GeekOfTheWeek · 30/03/2010 15:50

Finding it odd that fil is texting you especially so early on.

I would respond with a polite but firm text asking to be left alone for a while.

PollyTechnique · 30/03/2010 15:54

So very sorry for you.

A few days of tv and convenience food is not going to hurt your dcs. Make life as easy as poss for yourself.

If you are able, carrying on with your teaching is going to give you a boost. What you need to do is to cling onto as much routine and normality as you can, even thought there's an emotional meltdown going on.

Would it help to ring the Samaritans just to share and offload - to try and express all that pain?

I wouldn't take anything your dh said at face value for now. He may be merely playing the role of repentant husband.

You need a lot of time to recover and make some calm decisions.

Have seen my own mother get through this. You will too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread