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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/03/2010 14:28

Also HBM, did he leave of his own accord last night or did you ask him to? If he left himself, that also speaks volumes about someone who took flight rather than stay and fight for his marriage.

norksinmywaistband · 30/03/2010 14:29

AF, thanks for the squeeze
They definately follow a pattern - took some space last night to read my thread back through from Nov.
So many similarities. H "not happy for months", Sober H, work do, Nothing told for months,others all knowing, lies over lies.

Btw HBM having been through the same, I chose to rid my life of him ( after 16 years together) fingers crossed it will be only another 8 weeks til I am a free, strong and independent woman.

It has taken time, lots of support and self belief but I am getting there

AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 14:31

wwifn...mummy picked him up and took him back to her house

aww, bless

ConnieComplaint · 30/03/2010 14:34

If her dh knows, do you think there's any chance they are planning on carrying on the affair? Has she left her dh too?

I feel for you, really I do.

I'd be like you, I'd want to know everything, but, at the moment, he's not sounding like someone who's sorry, just someone who's sorry he had to come clean.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:34

news just in...

i told him i knew it wasnt the truth and guess what

it wasnt

not 2 times on one night. different times.

its all over. thats that.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/03/2010 14:34

Yes, saw that AF, but wondered whether that was as a result of HBM asking him to leave.

GeekOfTheWeek · 30/03/2010 14:36

Homebirth, so sad for you. Its time to get angry and I second speaking to the ow husband.

I have read the whole thread and what originally looked like a one night stand now appears to be a full blown affair.

More than a mistake. A contrived, premeditated betrayal of trust on all accounts. I really think that it would still be going on now if the ow hadn't ended it because her husband found out.

Look out for yourself. Get angry.

ConnieComplaint · 30/03/2010 14:36

Aw sweetheart.

Still, at least you know now... and can move on in time. You know he's capable of lies..and hurting you so much.

I thought twice in one night when she was drunk was a bit suss

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/03/2010 14:36

Oh so sorry HBM. Tell us more if you can.

ConnieComplaint · 30/03/2010 14:37

I can't believe the skank drank coffee with you at sodtplay & talked to you at Ballet!! The fucker!!

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:37

oh yes so angry, so very angry.

cant really type, shaking all over

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 30/03/2010 14:39

It is horrid to find out more, but if it helps you decide, then it is for the best.

You will come through this, always hold your head high, you did not break your marriage, he did.

He has to carry the guilt, sorrow, and knowledge he won't be around to see his DC growing up day to day.

You will grow stronger by the day believe me

ConnieComplaint · 30/03/2010 14:39

HBM - is he at work today?

Does the other woman still work in his office? Do you know anyone there who could give you her number?

TBH I'd be puching her for the truth. Tell her your dh has just told you everything & now you wanted to hear her version. Bitch.

I know you say you don't blame her, but, it takes two - he didn't rape her - twice

GeekOfTheWeek · 30/03/2010 14:40

Oh god HB.

You will get through this. And you will be stronger on the other side.

AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 14:40

so sorry, hbm

that is another snippet he has "allowed" you to know

because he realises if you speak to her/her DH that they will not corroborate his "story"

there will be more...lots, lots more

WillowM2B · 30/03/2010 14:41

And the reason he doesnt want you to have her number is that its very likely to have been more than 2 occasions.

I really think you need to take a step back right now for a little while. Turn off the phone, leave the emails, do something "normal". Difficult I know, but not impossible. Clear your head a little.

Also, limit contact with his family for the time being. They will have been acutely aware of his lies to you and what he's been up to, whatever they may tell you.

poshwellies · 30/03/2010 14:41

I would be speaking to the other hurt person in all this-her husband.

Thoughts OP.

GeekOfTheWeek · 30/03/2010 14:42

Agree AF.

Think its a full blown affair.

The fuckers.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/03/2010 14:45

The likely truth here is that this was a full-blown affair until yesterday, or this week, when her H found out.

He has now lost all right to belief. He is admitting to only what he thinks you can prove, or can find out easily. If you now want more information, don't ask him or her.

SheWillBeLoved · 30/03/2010 14:45

Unbelievable. He goes on about wanting to earn your trust again, when he knows he is still lying to you? Cowardly shit of the highest ranking. I'd be packing his stuff and getting his parents to come and collect it round about now.

Stay strong, keep talking. The ladies on here are amazing

northernmonkey · 30/03/2010 14:46

HBM I saw this thread last night but never posted.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through but you sound like a strong woman and there's some great support on here too.

Just last year a friend of mine found out her oh was leading a double life and he had a daughter with him
He promised he wanted to be with my friend so they tried to work things out
Anyhow one morning he went to work then rang my friend saying ow is in labour...sorry

She left him and i helped her find a new home and she's so happy now and just recently has started another relationship
Her ex is so unhappy with the other woman but thats his fault.

What i'm trying to say is like others on here you will get stronger and you will be happy one day. Its his loss, you've done nothing wrong

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:47

hes just sent me his number but i dont have the strength anymore

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/03/2010 14:48

Whose number? The husband's?

SheWillBeLoved · 30/03/2010 14:49

Just relax for a day or two, give yourself time to absorb everything and figure out what you want to do with the information you now have, and will continue to get when his little damage limitation plan comes crumbling down.

ConnieComplaint · 30/03/2010 14:49

Can your sister call him?

Don't lose your strength now pet. The sooner you know the truth the sooner you & your children can start to get your life in order..