Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 30/03/2010 15:55

Honestly

I would send one text back to FIL saying that you do not need his (their) involvement and it is rather too early to be talking about forgiveness.

How dare he text you!

mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 16:03

Yes, the ILs are covering themselves in glory. Ignore them. This is not their finest moment.

Your H has said all sorts of things to you that he thought you would want to hear. I do think Ducati's #3 suggestion would only encourage him to do more of the same. Whatever comes next from his lips has to come from his heart. He has to be guided by his own moral compass, not hints from HBM. And no help or prompting from his mum and dad either.

Even if things get resolved, nothing will ever be the same again. He will have to deal with the repercussions of his choices for the rest of his life, whether with you or without you. This is the real 'til death' scenario that happens when someone doesn't take their first 'til death' statement seriously. The affair will never go away, no matter how much your H may want it to.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 30/03/2010 16:05

If it's not raining/sleeting how about a quick angry walk with the DCs - it will do them good to run around and it'll do you good to get some air round your poor head. And LEAVE YOUR PHONE AT HOME. Really feel for you. Would save calling the OW's H til after the kids are in bed, maybe keep notes because you want facts to prompt your H with when he tries to cover things up. When can you get someone to have the kids for a few hours so that you and H can meet - Saturday? Or one night this week?

ConnieComplaint · 30/03/2010 16:06

HBM - I agree with you, I'd want him to be fighting tooth & nail to prove to you how sorry he is, how much he regrets it etc...not relying on his parents to bring you round

Turn the phone off & go spend some time with your little ones,. What age are they? Are they at the age where they will be wondering where daddy is?

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 16:11

i have to say i would not have got through the day if it wasn't for all you amazing ladies. you are all so kind, just having people 'allow' me to feel everything i do is much needed. and it has been so helpful when you bring me back to earth. i know in my head all the things, but the heart often takes over, so its good for you all to remind my head to come back!

mathanxiety- you are so right. he has not volunteered anything, just told me what he thinks i need to hear. and anytime i pushed he revealed a little bit more. not real honesty.

and, if he did want me back as much as his parents think, surely he should be the one fighting and not bloody them.
i wonder who else in his family is going to try to contact me! sadly for me he's got a big family, phone off and being ignored!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 16:13

You're the amazing one, HBM.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 16:13

dd is nearly 4 and ds is 1. dh (oh the irony!) works long shifts so they are used to days without him.

hail at the mo, id love to go out in it, but dd wont!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 16:15

So two DCs, both young. Maybe life just got too serious and grown-up for the H?

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 16:15

math - thanks! just what i needed.

my family are trying to call, my sister has sent cryptic messages to them, but i just cant bare to talk to them

OP posts:
countingto10 · 30/03/2010 16:18

I'm afraid your H (in the words of our therapist) can't talk himself out of something he has behaved himself into. You need actions now (even small ones) and hiding behind his mum's skirts isn't one of them !!!!!

Give yourself time, do not respond to him anymore today. Give yourself some breathing space. I did pack my DH things (in bin bags) when I found out but he had been living with OW for 6 weeks w/o my knowledge and then I didn't want to speak/see him for a while.

Don't do anything drastic now, at the time my H believed everything that came out of his mouth - I recently found a letter from his solicitor to him from that time telling H that he could divorce me for MY unreasonable behaviour. I actually asked him what my unreasonable behaviour was and he says "for the life of me I don't know but I must have said something !!!" . In fact reading that letter made me realise that H really had convinced himself that his lies were the truth.

Don't go into his work either when you are feeling as you do, dignity at all times in these things. By all means ask who knows about the affair, I know one of my 1st questions was just that, who knows and who has seen you together. I just felt so humiliated.

And mircowave popcorn was also one of my staples at that time too.

And if you need to talk to someone, the samaritans are wonderful in the small hours.

weblette · 30/03/2010 16:19

HBM, nothing really to add to the advice the lovely ladies have given so far.

Maybe ask your sister to be the 'gatekeeper' as far as your family is concerned until you feel able to talk.

You are bloody strong, look after yourself your babies x

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 16:19

math- i think you are exactly right. hit the nail on the head 100% he was 25 when we had dd, and i was only 22. got married 2 years later and then had 2nd baby. although, i know we were young, but so in love and it was all just perfect until last year.

cant really think there was anything i did, or about our relationship that was not going well. i think he just couldnt cope with the pressure and responsibility.

OP posts:
IndiMamaJones · 30/03/2010 16:21

Just read this thread and think you are fantastic homebirthmummy - you sound so strong and to still have you sense of humour through all this is amazing.

BelleDameSansMerci · 30/03/2010 16:23

HBM - trying to send you cyber hugs/strength/best wishes etc.

Please, please don't start looking for things you did. He did this. Not you. Anything that happened between you did not cause his behaviour.

Please be kind to yourself and wrap yourself in cotton wool. You probably need a bit of space and some peace. I'm sure you feel as if you are in a weird bubble and a bit distanced from reality right now.

I know this will sound hollow but whichever path you choose to take, things will get better for you. You and your DC will be ok. You really will. xxx

AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 16:24

hbm...it was nothing you did

and there was nothing wrong with your relationship

aww diddums...too much pressure for lover-boy, eh ?

never mind, mummy will look after him < tosser >

ConnieComplaint · 30/03/2010 16:29

Do you have any RL friends who can come round & keep an eye on the kids? Give you time for a nice hot soak or something else to make you feel a bit more, 'normal'?

I know if I was in the same situation, I have a large family, but doubtful if I'd want them to see me so vulnerable....

Has he given you any indication about whether or not the other couple are working it out? Though it should make no difference to what you decide to do, it would be interesting what she's told him & if it will have any bearing on whether or not they'll work things out.

Are they a young couple too HBM?

FabIsGettingThere · 30/03/2010 16:32

Sounds like classic throwing his toys out of the pram because your soul focus was no longer on him but on the children. I would kick him out and refuse to talk for a long time. It is all about his feelings and trying to say what it takes for you to take him back.

norksinmywaistband · 30/03/2010 16:35

Tonight, I would get the DC up and into bed earlyish then run yourself a hot bath, take your time and let it all out.

I will be on here all evening, so if you need to talk later I will be here.

But I would advise giving a close mate a ring and sitting together, maybe with a bottle of wine. It won't change anything but it helps.

This is going to be a long hard slog, however things turn out and you need your friends around you.
The ones that support you now( like your sister did) will be the ones you know you can trust to always be there.

I fond the hard thing was that most of my friends were his friends too - and because I didn't want him to know what I was thinking I held back from talking to them.

I wish I had now, they are good friends.

Do you have anyone you can call on?

Lulumaam · 30/03/2010 16:35

you sound like you are doing better!

which bit of merseyside you in? there is usually a liverpool meet up this time of year..

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 30/03/2010 16:36

Oh my gay gordons, you're only a year older than me. God I wish I lived near you so I could take you out for a large whisky coffee, or look after your kids while you went to meet up with your manchild husband. If you're short of local support someone could start a separate thread looking for Merseyside MNers you could maybe meet with. Or I think there is an MN local section . What do you think?

I think you are amazing too, you are being incredibly strong and lucid, please carry on putting the blame where it belongs - with him

norksinmywaistband · 30/03/2010 16:38

Also I would go round the house and pack him a bag for at least a week. Then if he texts again to say he needs to come and get some stuff. You can tell him it is packed and to collect but not stop.
If he wanted to talk properly he would have instigated that by now, but may turn up for his stuff and then begin talking.

It has to be on your terms now, not just a passing thought when stood on the doorstep

Stay strong - we are here for you

FabIsGettingThere · 30/03/2010 16:44

I think it would help if you could text your inlaws and tell ask them to stop texting you. It isn't their battle to fight or their business.

Xales · 30/03/2010 16:53

So sorry for what is happening /-:

I feel like a harbringer of doom everytime I type a message.

Nothing you think or feel for the next few weeks/months is wrong. You are entitled to them all.

I would still recommend you take a long while before you make any decisions.

Do not let him back in until you are sure YOU want him back and that he honestly is sorry and doing everything to show you and to prove to you that it is you he wants. Not just you he wants because she and her husband are trying again and he has nothing better.

You have no idea what is going on with her and her husband right now. If they seperate you could have her chasing your husband again.

Stay strong.

tartyhighheels · 30/03/2010 16:59

I have read through the thread and I just wanted to lend my support to you - everyone here has given great advice so i have nothing to add but just to let you know i have read all this and i am very sad for you and the dcs - what a fucking bastard loser who just does not deserve you at all.

Keep strong sweetheart - we will all be keeping an eye on you.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/03/2010 17:18

HBM I'm going to be big sister stern with you - (look into my eyes emoticon) you did NOTHING to deserve this. It is one of the biggest affair myths that there must have been "problems in the marriage" for an affair to happen. There was certainly a problem, but with your husband, not you - and not the marriage.

Trust your instincts above everything. You know what your marriage was like. One of these days when you really find out when all this started, do a timeline. I would bet you my life savings that he only started feeling "unhappy" when OW loomed into view.

In fairness to his parents, they are hurting too. They are misguided and flawed for doing his bidding for him - and for even giving him safe harbour. They might only be doing that to stop him running off with OW, so don't be too hard on them. They feel pain too.

He should however be beating a path round to your door to explain. Please don't engage in a remote exchange with him, via text or E mail. It is such a terrible way to communicate about something so important. This needs to be face to face, but what today has proved beyond measure is that he will lie and lie again, to save his skin. Listen to him - ask him to turn over all sources of evidence - and go away and work it out for yourself.

Don't go anywhere near Relate yet. It will be worthless while lies are still being told.