Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:00

WWIFN - yes you are exactly right.

and now he doesn't even have her number, shaking again now.

any of you MNetters up north and want to do some digging! I need a private investigator!

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/03/2010 14:02

His phone company will have his (shredded) bills though. All the numbers - and much worse - will be on there.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:04

i really am shaking now. now he's asking me why i want the number.

WWIFN - i know she wont tell me anything, but i want him to know i could call her if you know what i mean.

why is he still trying to protect her

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:05

not so quick at replying to my messages now is he!

OP posts:
bossyboop · 30/03/2010 14:08

If it was me I wouldnt want to distance myself until i was sure i knew every last detail. I would need an uninterupted face to face confrontation even if it lasted hours and hours going over everything and more importantly hearing him grovel, seeing his body language the reactions on his face and seeing if he was crying too. I would need this to know if he was genuinely sorry because if i didnt believe that he was i wouldnt see any point in being together. I would need to be with him to talk this through, not sure i could deal with it in isolation, would need to know what he was thinking and how he was feeling too.

I had a bf who always fought for me, fought for forgiveness, fought to win me back, fought for me to love him again. If we had a tiff he left work early to sort it out if i was ignoring his calls and texts. When we were kids and used to break up a lot, if i said i wanted to be left alone he would pester me by text or calls or be at my door, everything he could to get me to talk to him and he would cry and beg and promise the world, pour his heart out to my mum and bombard me with flowers, balloons chocs and allsorts to say sorry.

I married that man, the only man who has ever fought for me, a man that is truly worthy of my time and love, my best friend and my rock.

AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 14:11

he is shitting himself

hbm..you say you are in the NW

can you where, vaguely ?

KerryMumbles · 30/03/2010 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:13

bossyboop - yes i do want some face to face to see his body lang.

all i want is to be fought for. hes not really done that. i want him to be knocking on the door, not going until i listen to him grovel etc etc. your husband sounds wonderful. you are very lucky!

still no reply from him. not a good sign me thinks.

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:14

anyfucker - I'm in merseyside (any of my sister in laws on here - my DH is a twat!)

OP posts:
teaandcakeplease · 30/03/2010 14:15

If he is feeling ambivalent then he will resist being honest. Learnt that the hard way too

Give it time, I seriously would turn phone off and have some proper space, write down any questions you have over the coming days and then have a meeting and write down all his answers as you do it IMO.

mrsboogie · 30/03/2010 14:15

he's worried you'll find out the rest of it. It sounds as if her husband knows more than you at this stage. Can you get in contact with him? Is their phone number on your husband's bill? you could keep calling her number until she lets you speak to her husband.

Ignore your husband's lies about not having numbers - he is trying to block your path. If what he had said was the truth there would be no reason to prevent you contacting her.

You really need to speak to the husband. Tell your husband that you are not going to stop until you have the whole truth and have spoken to them both.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:16

interestingly on all the texts he's put lots of kisses, on the last two saying 'i don't have it' (her number) and 'why' (do i want her number) there are no kisses.

funny that isn't it.

still no reply.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 14:17

ok, hbm

I am in the NW too..but not near Merseyside

norksinmywaistband · 30/03/2010 14:18

HBM - I couldn't leave this thread after all, Have been following and have read all.

You will never get all the answers you want/need. You will always doubt from his dripfeeding what he is holding back.

He was sober and knowingly got into another womans bed knowing you and the DC were at home waiting for him to come home.

He only told you in as you were likely to find out from other sources.

He has not truely thought about you and the DC at all over the last 6 months. He has been totally self absorbed.

Keep the anger - let it build

Get yourself checked out at the STD clinic( it is not pleasant,I know from experience, but totally necessary) He has not considered your health either in this time let alone your emotions

Look after yourself and DC.

Give yourself space from him - stop the texting( I know you want answers) but it is just reassuring him that there may be a point where you will forgive him. That may be so, but don't give him the hope atm.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:19

mrsboogie i think you are right. he has no paper bills, so cant find numbers. if its the truth, why the stalling.

he's always been very possessive about his phone, now i know why. if he doesn't give me the numbers of the people i will go to his work and make a scene until i know everything.

OP posts:
gonnabehappy · 30/03/2010 14:21

Norks - you are brave and right! One thing - I made husband go to STD clinic and produce a clean bill of health. He did not enjoy it much!

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 30/03/2010 14:22

What network is he on? I set up an online account for Dhs no. after his 'thing' and can view everything. I think I may have needed the mobile account no. though, which should be on any letter from his provider.

DuelingFanjo · 30/03/2010 14:22

Agree with Norks. You also need to insist that he have himself tested. If he really does waht to fight for your relationship then he should do whatever you ask without stalling.

AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 14:23

< quick squeeze for norks >

these blokes follow a script, don't they ?

norksinmywaistband · 30/03/2010 14:23

gonnabehappy - I went then told H he needed to get checked as they had found something on my tests - didn't tell him what. He had a worried week or two for nothing

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 14:24

norks - thanks for coming back!
you are so right. in everything actually. 20 mins on and still nothing.

i cant add much to that except you are so so so right and i will heed your advice

(i just wish he was like bossyboop's dh)

OP posts:
groundhogs · 30/03/2010 14:25

Such great advice from some very brave and wonderful women.. HBM, you will get through this.

I hear the STD tests are really unpleasant for men... [evil grin]

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/03/2010 14:25

Does he have a contract phone or did he use a second PAYG mobile to contact her? If he used a contract phone, he's probably been shredding his bills. If it's a work phone, his company will have his bills. All you need to do if he has a contract phone is register him for online billing. Then you will have access to the last 2 years of bills in some cases.

His silence is very revealing. He will be shitting himself right now.

bossyboop · 30/03/2010 14:26

My DH is wonderful but not perfect hence the fact i like sites like this, I feel lonely, neglected and a bit bored sometimes, and love the company and support you get here. If he did something like this im not sure i would walk away, i think he would fight for me like always and i might can find a way though but if he didnt come across like he was truly sorry then why waste time, energy and emotions on someone who isnt really trying hard to be forgiven.

Lulumaam · 30/03/2010 14:27

i'm in merseyside, not one of your SIL's though

just read the thread, anyfucker speaks a lots of sense.

so sorry you are going through this, stay strong