just admitted having sex with someone else

[homebirthmummy]

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

Good point Geordieminx, OW in my case was dismissed as the affair was gross misconduct. I didn't let on to her employers though as she had 2 DCs to support and I felt it wasn't fair to include them in the fallout (though she had no regard for my DC ). Nope, she was so brazen (or stupid) about it all that she managed to get the sack all by herself. Karma comes and gets you eventually.....

Oh karma will get these two, without a doubt. I hope their arse-holes heal up.

HBM - strength to you - I promise you will recover and be better off - I know it doesn't feel like it! He's done you a favour. I'd rather be divorced and a single mum than deceived and disrespected and a bloody fool to the whole world. (And I have been both, so you can take my word for it!)

Lie on the floor and scream until you throw up if need be - it will pass and you will get stronger.

Wait, just wait. One thing is true, your relationship, as you know it, it's gone, and it's never going to come back. However, there may be still parts that could be salvaged, the possibility of a new relationship with him, that could be better or worse, but nobody can tell what is going to happen so...

just wait, don't do anything, take your time and think it trough.

Separate for the time being, and take your time, it may be days weeks or even moths but don't do anything in the spur of the moment. Take the hard decisions when you can think with a cold mind. When you know what you need from him and for the children (like the house, maintenance, the car, all the credit cards or whatever). But don't take life changing decisions when your head is taken over by emotion. You will live to regret it.

Let him go, let him move out, and wait, organise your life and once your mind is no longer clouded by all the pain, you will be able to take the decision that is better for you and your children and to know how to go about it, it could be that you divorce or that you go back to be together, but whatever that is, you would be in a best position to start with your new life, as a single mum, or as a wife in a relationship that has survived a huge problem.

HBM, he has essentially pissed on your bed, on your children, on you, on your marriage, on the years you have given him and the fact that you have given him two lovely children.

But this "I asked if he hugged/kissed her at other times and he said yes, but that they didn't meet specially it was when they met with the kids or at work. Then he must have realised how awful that was and sent a second text saying, that it wasn't in front of the kids or at work." this would be the dealbreaker for me. He is an ass-saving, selfish, self-absorbed, immature, and completely irresponsible boy. He kissed his girlfriend in front of your children, and hers too presumably. And despite his protests of wanting to do whatever it takes, blah blah, you are still being dripfed whatever lie he thinks will fly -- and he can't even distinguish reprehensible behaviour ("yes, but that they didn't meet specially it was when they met with the kids or at work") from something that would show him in a better light. So stupid too, as well as amoral. HBM, your H wouldn't know what truth was if it jumped up and slapped him in the face. He can deal with one thought or concept at a time, and the thought that dominates him right now is saving his skin.

Don't waste any time wondering if the H was embellishing anything. He has to know that making such an allegation would break your heart and he has no motivation to hurt you. Take it as the truth. It probably hurts him too to think of his wife shagging another man, being in another man's bed. The truth is probably enough of an insult and injury to him as it stands, so no reason for him to make things up. At this point he is probably reeling, just as you are, and in no condition to engage his brain on anything other than the facts and the pain of it all.

Sending you love and hugs aplenty, and the same for your dear children.

The comfort of knowing what tomorrow will bring, the security of your old life, is priceless, but he has robbed you of that and he will never be able to give you your old life back. Letting him back will not give you back that life you thought you had. This has changed everything.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Please read Mongolia's post several times over. It's great advice.

Second Karmann, it really is a fab post, Mongolia.

Another one agreeing with Mongolia's post.

There is no hurry to do anything, give yourself some space. Ignore him until you are ready to do what you want, he gave up any right to have any say in the matter a very very long time ago.

Bastard - he might have been a wonderful man once, he is not now.

x

What is really sad is that if he had told the truth then he probably could have reconciled some respect or something for him but my feeling is that he is lying through his teeth and wouldn't know the truth if it kicked him in the bollocks. He is telling you just enough to get by and save is sorry arse but I personally think there is more to come.

You poor poor love, please do not swallow the 'i was pushed aside' crap - that is what happens when you have children, it's normal and happens to both parents and you haven't fucked someone else. You were right when you said the sex is not what it is about, it is about the betrayal by them both, conspiring behind your back.

Please do take some legal advice because making sense of practical things can sometimes provide a framework when your head is all over the place emotionally. Try to care for yourself and just be still and let this unfold before you make decisions. You have already shown remarkable character during this horrible time and whether you believe it now or not it will carry you through.

I think all of us here would wave a magic wand if we could to make this go away for you and your children.

I too think Mongolia's advice is great.

It's really early days for you - I wouldn't think about initiating anything on the divorce front at the moment. Gather information yes and think about options - but take some time now to take it all in and see what happens over the coming days.

In the next few days and weeks your thoughts will evolve a lot and other events, whether good and/or bad will happen.

Rooting for you - I know from experience it is awful to be in this position.

HBM I've followed the thread but not posted yet. I am just and and at the lies he has told and his behaviour this week.

I'm sure he won't have told his parents the truth either.

Very sensible advice from Mongolia

HBM are you ok? haven't heard anything for a while

Yes, Mongolia's advice is great. I feel sorry for you, not only for what has happened, but that you are getting such conflicting advice on here. You sound sensible enough to pick out what is important though and do with it what you will.

Couldn't agree more Pinkpanettone.

Totally agree with Mongolia's post. At last, a voice of reason amongst the baying hoardes shrieking 'throw the bastard out' without thinking of any of the future ramifications for OP or her family.

Its like a crowd willing someone to jump off the top of a building, very distasteful.

HBM I think Mongolia's advice is brilliant. It's an extension of what many of us have been saying about taking time to make decisions.

With any major decisions we make in life, we need to make them with a cool head and based on all the information possible. This is why it is important that everything - in all its awfulness - is known to you.

Once all that information is "out there" - you need further time again, to process it, double-check it and conclude. Decisions made when emotions are running high and when other factors like pride, hurt and anger, loss and fear are paramount - are rarely the wisest ones.

It would be as unwise to end this relationship now as it would to have him back. You need thinking time and more information about what you do next, in terms of financial and legal matters.

I suspect there will be more information emerging in the coming days about the affair too, so make sure you've got RL support on hand and recognise that the shock waves will keep coming. Every fresh bit of information will be like another body blow. You need this information, but it will be taking a toll.

It would be sensible to visit your GP as some medication might help you in these early days and you also need to keep your body nourished to a basic level. Food like soup and Complan drinks are good. Everyone of us can empathise with the resistance to food, but you do need your strength for the DCs.

Thinking of you.

kiwinyc - I do not think, there are baying hoards shrieking at the op.

People are giving their honest opinions on the situation as it has been portrayed through messages on an open forum.

All of my posts are based in experience - and although all men are different and react in different ways, I think that based on the op's account of the situation many of us have been through it and are trying to offer support.

And to suggest that people are not aware of any ramifications her future actions may have on either her or her DC is utter tripe.

I for one, believe the OP has strength and individuality of mind to make her own decisions, and will do so as many have before her.

I agree Mongolia offers sound advice, but so do many other posts on here.

kiwi...you have gone too far

are you trying to cause a row on this thread...because that would be "distasteful", wouldn't it ?

if you have an opinion...give it with tact, please, because everyone on this thread has been on OP's side and that is completely clear to me

how dare you insinuate any of OP's suffering is providing any sick kind of amusement for anybody...

people post from the heart...and OP has appreciated all advice given so far

cross posted norks..grr, kiwi's post has made me quite angry

Kiwinyc - I'm surprised how hurt I am by that comment, actually. I posted (as I'm sure others have)from my own very painful experience of this and felt quite tearful doing it. I won't say more so as not to hijack the thread but your instinctive blaming of other women for the possible end of this relationship speaks volumes to me.

Sorry cross post and posted crossly!

No one has done that kiwi. Just ignore comments like that everyone HBM has had a lot of perspectives and support here.
homebirthmummy - has he asked at all to see the dc?? or talk to them?

HBM

I hope you are feeling OK.

It was less than 48 hours ago that this all started. This new situation you find yourself in is very new and it hasn't stopped unfolding yet I don't think.

Now isn't the time, as others have said, for deciding anything definite. It's the time for getting through the days as best you can, and letting what you know sink in so you can decide how you feel about it when your emotions aren't swinging wildly from anger to sadness to confusion to hurt.

It seems to me that the thought of being without your H permanently is too painful for you right now. New pieces of information seem to be set up as lines in the sand "now he has gone too far", "no NOW he has definitely gone too far and there's no way back". But each time it seems, to me at least, as though you're saying that to punish him, but it's hurting you as well.

There are women on here who have come back from worse than this with their DHs and who have better relationships now than they ever had. It takes strength and courage, but it is possible in some situations.

I'm not saying you should (or could) forgive in the future. There is still too much you don't know - about what really happened, about how he feels about her now, about how you will feel about him as time goes on.

If I were in your situation I would incline towards being definite very early about what I was going to do, but I think I would just make life harder for myself by doing so. I think the smart thing here is to play a long game and remember that you're really at the very start of it.

Three days ago you knew how your future would be and now you don't. But living with that uncertainty (and the possibilities it contains) seems better than replacing it with a new certainty (that you will divorce him) that you aren't ready for and that may well not come to pass.

I don't know if this will help, but I hope you're doing OK.