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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 16:00

spoke to OWH, was in my bed too

OP posts:
countingto10 · 31/03/2010 16:00

HBM, you have to understand that the relationship you had with your H is dead, anything you have now will be a new relationship be that together as husband and wife or as co-parents.

You are in shock at the moment and really need time to digest everything that he has said (probably more things to come out as well ). Get some legal advice (you don't have to do anything about it but you will know what you are entitled to) and phone Relate to get some counselling for yourself primarily, someone to talk all your feelings through. If YOU decide you want to repair the marriage your H can join you later. He also probably needs counselling to get to the bottom of why he did this, his arrogance, his sense of entitlement etc.

You don't have to do anything now other than cry your heart out because it hurts like hell. And FWIW, the worse part of my DH's affair was the fact that he took our DC to OW's place on the pretense of staying with "mates". Anger does not come into that, I was beyond angry when I put 2 and 2 together.

Take care, lots of sweet tea and don't speak to him for a while - I just wanted to curl up and die quietly when I found out what my H was up to .

You will get through this one way or another.

countingto10 · 31/03/2010 16:02

HBM, sorry there was bound to be worse to come , at least you are getting some facts now and not 3 months down the line. Not much comfort I know

bossyboop · 31/03/2010 16:02

so so sorry

bossyboop · 31/03/2010 16:08

the whole time ive been reading this, i hoped it wouldnt be that bad, if it was just sex its maybe something i could forgive tho i dont know ( i can understand john terry's wife for staying with him even if he didnt have the pay packet). Maybe he hasnt come fighting coz he knows he doesnt deserve forgiveness, maybe he cant tell the truth but doesnt want to lie so he stays away. I would get him to buy a new bed.

Bicnod · 31/03/2010 16:08

Oh HBM so sorry

countingto10 is right - you will get through this somehow.

thinking of you.

geordieminx · 31/03/2010 16:10

Is there anywhere you can go for a few days? Maybe a bit longer?

I would collect up passports, bank statements, all policies and take the kids somewhere for a long weekend. Dont tell him where you are going, infact dont even take your phone. Get yourself a PAYG so you can keep in touch with parents/sister.

Let him sweat for a few days.

Give yourself some head space, away from everything, without sitting by your phone waiting for his text.

The only thing that is sticking in my throat is this is exactly what the nasty little slag wanted, but you cant think about her.

I would also phone her husband. I would bet my life that she hasnt told him everything, she'll be hedging her bets. She'll probably have told him that your h chased her, and that she ended it yada yada. Infact I would ring her husband and perhaps embellish the truth a little - STD tests, that she was going to clear him out then leave, that she has had affairs before. I would really stir it up for her.

But then I am nasty.

Conundrumish · 31/03/2010 16:14

They had sex in your bed . So sorry HBM.

susie100 · 31/03/2010 16:15

HBM I have been lurking but have not posted as did not feel I had anything to add.

You poor poor thing, what did the OWH say?
In your bed? He is reaching new levels of scumdom.

I agree with you that what is most upsetting is he is notfighting for you, you seem to be doing the running. I would tell him as much and stop ALL communication. He really has to grovel and make things right and make you feel like a million dollars not make you call him 3 times WTF?

I am so angry on your behalf. You sound lovely, he sounds like he needs to grow up.

Conundrumish · 31/03/2010 16:17

Sorry, but I wouldn't lie to the OWH like Geordieminx says - I think at least the two of them have to be honest with each other. They are both the injured parties here.

Lizzylou · 31/03/2010 16:19

HBM, I have read this thread before and was rooting for you, thugh had nothing to say that hadn't been said.

I would do what has been suggested, get all your documents etc together and take copies.

I would also let his parents know exactly what he has done and also do what Geordie said about speaking with OW's H and embellishing stuff.

He has crossed some major lines, your bed and your children are a huge bridge too far.
I am so so sorry.

Please get all rl support that you can, you have done nothing wrong here, it is your H who is the moral vacuum.

determined2 · 31/03/2010 16:19

The only person that can sort this out is you. At the moment you are feeling too raw to even eat, so don't give yourself a hard time about trying to decide what to do.

The only advise I can give is that if you can't stop thinking about them, then it will eat away at you and even if you do decide to get back together those thoughts will still eat away at you.

Take the time, start to breath again, get back to normal boring duties, then see how you feel. This is not about him, he made his choice, this is about you now.

xx

AllAboutFace · 31/03/2010 16:20

Hi HBM,
I haven't posted further up the thread but I've been following it - I just wanted to offer my support too. Nothing to add to what has been advised above - just to say I am so sorry for how you are feeling and what you are finding out. Big heartfelt hug.

FabIsGettingThere · 31/03/2010 16:26

HBM

This man is not the man you married. He is a stranger to you. Would you want a stranger in your house, in your life?

You need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself now be it financially or with a home.

This man screwed another woman in your bed, then screwed you. He is scum.

weblette · 31/03/2010 16:28

Oh HBM

Can your sister come back to stay with you this weekend?

MunchkinsMumof2 · 31/03/2010 16:29

I too have been following this and I think you really need to confide in a friend as this forum is good for practical advice but I think you need a real shoulder to cry on rather than virtual ones. One of my closest friends went through something very similar and I just listened...no judging or slagging her dh off and after a year alone they got back together and the relationship is stronger than before. Ask a trusted friend for help and try and look after yourself, if not for your sake then for your dc. Thinking of you x

morejuiceplease · 31/03/2010 16:32

Oh God HBM.

What a total shit.

Wish I could do something to help make it better.

I agree with Lizzylou, make sure his parents know what he's done. Don't let him sugar coat it to them.

Don't do anything rash, take your time to decide what to do.

I'm so sorry, big unmumsnetty hugs!

CountessDracula · 31/03/2010 16:36

Goodness
What a total bastard
So sorry
YOu have lots of good advice here

norksinmywaistband · 31/03/2010 16:36

at the latest revelation

hope you are as ok as you can be

MrsTicklemouseWantsBunnyEars · 31/03/2010 16:49

That is definitely a step too far, as if kissing in front of the kids wasn't bad enough

Do not start embellishing, not that i think you would actually want to add to the lies, nothing good will come from you making things up to OHW

what did OHW say, how does he feel, did you already know him?

is your sister back at yours?

xoxo

MrsTicklemouseWantsBunnyEars · 31/03/2010 16:51

sorry too many questions, don't feel like you have to answer them

confuseddoiordonti · 31/03/2010 16:52

Hi HBM,
I posted when you first started this thread and have only just caught up now.
Well, what can I say apart from the obvious (what a cunt.) It sounds as if things are unravelling big time, and my heart goes out to you it really does.
I can't add to the advice you have already been given, and it helps that many have been through similar, and hope it is helping soften the blow. It will take time for it all to filter through, be digested and then for you to get more of an idea of what the next step will be but, I promise, it will happen!

And, as always, you're virtual friends are here as well as your RL one's!

Lots of love xxx

Lizzylou · 31/03/2010 16:54

Yep, sorry, I do agree with MrsTickle, don't embellish, that was a kneejerk reaction.

I am so sorry, I really feel for you.

Am hoping that you can get some rl support.

drloves8 · 31/03/2010 17:03

. he`s a fool.

geordieminx · 31/03/2010 17:06

Probably right about embelishing... although it is a thought that perhaps OWH could be doing it in order to get at your h?

My knee-jerk reaction would be to try and destroy them both, rightly or wrongly so. I have been in a similar situation (although not married or with kids), and I guess we all do what we have to in order to cope.

You say he works with this woman... I wonder what his employers' stance would be on this...