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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
kyotokate · 31/03/2010 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 14:44

how could he do this to me

OP posts:
FabIsGettingThere · 31/03/2010 14:47

HBM - I think you are amazing. You have done what you wanted but have been clear thinking enough to also take advice from the wise women on here.

I think he has been drip feeding you what he has been up too and I would be surprised if no more came out.

I kind of agree with you about the physical act/emotional affair but an EA can be just as devastating.

The deal breaker for me is the kissing in front of the children. I can't remember how old your eldest is but that is just not on.

I would see a solicitor, file for divorce and tbh not tell him what you are going to do ot talk to him for a while.

It won't be any fun being on your own at first but you will find it liberating and it also frees you to meet someone who will treat you like a princess should you decide that is what you want in the future.

Good luck. Stay strong.

StarExpat · 31/03/2010 14:50

Any chance he's reading this? I hope not. It will help him formulate responses and manipulate more.

norksinmywaistband · 31/03/2010 14:56

Starexpat - I had the same concerns about my Ex reading my posts at the time and even namechanged for a bit,
BUT he can only use the posts to manipulate if HBM lets him.

No outpouring of emotion or facts will have any effect on the truth of the situation.

hbm has done nothing wrong, he has.

She can divorce him on grounds of Adultery.

HBM I know it feels awful as if nothing can get any worse. The only way forwards now will be positive for you and your DC.

I agree it is sad to see the person you thought you knew so totally was a mirage

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 14:56

but i dont want anyone else, i want the man i married

OP posts:
IndiMamaJones · 31/03/2010 14:57

Got to do school run but thinking of you

StarExpat · 31/03/2010 15:00

sorry hbm and norks. I didn't mean to make that sound like I thought you shouldn't post. Not at all. And you've definitely done nothing wrong. It takes a lot of strength to even write this stuff down.

I just thought out loud and thought I'd post it just in case he does read it.

bossyboop · 31/03/2010 15:00

if he was willing to fight hard for you would you want him back? From reading all this if it was me, I would want him to fight for me and i would want him to win me round as i wouldnt want to be on my own either and more to the point i would want to be with him. Whether i could be with him or whether we would just argue is something else entirely.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 15:03

bossyboop, everything you said really. sorry cant type at the mo. i cant actually breathe

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 31/03/2010 15:05

Homebirthmummy, I'm in Liverpool if you need me to track him down and give him an anonymous bollocking or just a chat.

The man you married, he's a man with the moral fabric of a sewer rat I'm afraid. Do you really want that? Do you and your daughter need that?

bossyboop · 31/03/2010 15:08

this isnt something you have to do or fix or change overnight, whether you stay together or stay apart its going to be a long journey. I would want to talk to him coz how could he convince me or win me back if i ignore his texts or calls. But there would be times when i would need time on my own. You dont have to decide on anything. I just wish he was making more of an effort.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 15:09

i just miss him. the old him.

please do track him down! i just need all the truth. it is killing me not knowing

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 31/03/2010 15:11

I honestly can't believe how someone think its okay to meet the OW/OM with their children in tow, OMG

I think you need to speak to the other husband

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 15:11

i wish he was making an effort too. he text saying 'he didn't think telling me would make it worse'.

if he loved me wouldn't he be here? banging the door down? begging for forgiveness? not sitting at his parents feeling sorry for himself.

OP posts:
Bicnod · 31/03/2010 15:11

HBM I'm so so sorry I've been lurking on the thread and I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain

Please don't rush into anything. You don't have to make any decisions right now. I know if it were me my head would be spinning. I don't know when that will settle down but I think you need to be kind to yourself, lean on your sister/friends as much as possible, cry a lot and not make any big decisions until the dust has settled.

I agree with bossyboop. I've always said to my DH one strike and you're out, but I think that's because I don't believe he'd ever do anything (who does?). I can't imagine I would stop loving him/stop wanting him/be able to let the past 10 years go even if he had revealed he had done the unthinkable. I don't know how you move forward and forgive - but I know people do it.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 15:12

plum - tried 3 times, on verge of looking like a stalker

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 31/03/2010 15:12

Is the man you married still there? Does he exist, at all, now?? Or was he that bloke who wanted you & only you; who wouldn't even hurt you to save his own life?

I'm not trying to influence you, one way or the other. I think you're managing brilliantly (though you must get some calories down you, even if they're all chocolate!) I really know how you feel; it may take longer than a few days for this to play out ...

What I realised, eventually, was that the husband and marriage I loved were figments of my imagination. They were the life I wished I had; I was in love with who I thought he was.

As you know, it's a sensible precaution to get your docs together - regardless of how things turn out. Please remember, too, to take as much care of yourself as you can manage. Surround yourself with friends & family who love you honestly. Eat! If you can't sleep, ask your GP for some short-term help with that. Get a daily treat, even if you don't feel like it.
Wishing you all the support & wisdom you need.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 15:13

bicnod- thanks. sorry cant type more

OP posts:
serendipitous · 31/03/2010 15:16

No - it would be sensible whatever happens to find out where you stand legally. Do follow WWIFN's advice and try and find out as much as you can. Try very hard not to talk to children about it until you are more in control. I ending up using my children dreadfully when I was emotional and out of control.

For everything else - take time, as much as you want. He has been preparing for today for at least 4 months; you have only had a few hours.

Can your sister come at weekend? Anyone else? This is a time when you could do with the TLC. I don't know if you can teach tonight, I know I wouldn't be able to. I have a feeling you do not go 'off sick' at the drop of a hat. Maybe tonight is the night to do it?

X

bossyboop · 31/03/2010 15:18

7 years ago me and dh split up, he deceived me financially, nowhere near as bad as this but i was still very upset, then i got thinking of every other bad thing he had ever said or done, it ate away at me and we split up. He begged for me to take him back, it was hard seeing him crying but i walked away. He insisted on texting, calling and wanted to meet up socially, it was hard resisting and being so mean to him when he was being so nice, even tho he did a bad thing. After a few months of spending time together as friends he won my heart again, as i just fell in love with him again. We drew a line on the past and started the relationship again from scratch. We started a new relationship and have never been happier.

I dont know what the future holds for you but i dont want to just write this marriage off and assume its over, despite it all sounding so terrible, nor do i want you to feel weak for wanting him. You love him and he's done a terrible thing to you but it doesnt mean you can switch love off and i understand that.

WhoIsAsking · 31/03/2010 15:22

Christ alive.

Thinking of you hbm.

serendipitous · 31/03/2010 15:26

Sorry I was not thinking and typing in the same time frame (this thread is almost total deja vu for me). I of course I meant No it would not be daft for you to seek legal representation.

I am happy to trade telephone numbers if you just want to talk/weep/wail to a stranger tonight. I know I felt so irrational I did not want to talk to friends/family at times, and I know the feeling of being unable to type! I think I did not want to admit to anyone in real life how horrid he had been, I was still in the mode of protecting him. I still loved him while hating him and OW. I too blame OW for a great deal including some of the most manipulative behaviour known to woman...that does not excuse husband mind. It was just my way of understanding how he felt. I even at times felt sorry for him that he was so miserable! Ha ha!

Anyway, not my thread, just wanted to tell you that I had some dreadful thoughts about almost everything! Just in case you do - you are not alone or going mad. I promise.

IsThatTheTime · 31/03/2010 15:33

Oh sweetheart, I don't have anything useful to add here but didn't want to not post, am sending a most un-MN-ish hug your way. Horrid, horrid situation for you and DCs

MrsTicklemouseWantsBunnyEars · 31/03/2010 15:37

Blimey i go away for 24 hours and so much has changed,

he obviously is not the man you thought he was, and is a total low life at that

HBM it will be the hardest thing you ever do but you need to call it a day now, H and the in-laws will do everything to stop you but you need to be strong, like you have been so far,
like you say the only way he could have deserved a second chance would be to have fought like mad, he hasn't he's just carried on lying/hiding the truth which he will do for ever more

Meet BoF get drunk have a glass of wine in a classy wine bar and start planning the next steps

the reality of whats next will be terrifying but it will be so much easier soon

you have the power/thoughts/prayers of MN behind you and a fab sister to hold your hand

you can and will do this!!

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