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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
StarExpat · 31/03/2010 13:59

what do you teach, hbm

He's using "feeling pushed aside" to justify himself.

He realizes he can't have her now and he's messed up and he had a nice life before. Now he's desperately trying to save himself. "oh i'm a horrible, horrible person for doing this to you, I'll do anything, just give me a second chance after cheating on you for 4 months with a sexual and emotional affair that I now realize I can't have..."

He thinks you will fall for his sad, pathetic self loathing self and feel sorry for him enough to take him back.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 14:00

lemonade yes it was twice. after 2 work do's.
they saw each other (for kids things) but as far as i know, that was the end of the physical side.

the actual sex thing i can cope with more, i think. i mean, we've all had sex with other people in the past and it is just a physical action, its the emotional side i am struggling with.

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 14:02

star - i know you are right. i said the exact same thing to him last night.

but what do i do?

(i'm an antenatal teacher too)

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 31/03/2010 14:02

HBM Thanks for updating and glad you saw him face-to-face. They are both to blame - and OW has been no more manipulative than him from what you say. They are both equally responsible for arranging meetings when you would be there, and this is a horrible twist in your tale. You asked him about how he could have gone along with this - and you got a "I don't know". I'm afraid I think this pair got some extra thrills from that - and that would make me incandescent with rage.

Well done for being non-committal. You've given him a chance to tell all - now go and verify it all. Do NOT accept that he is now telling you the truth. He will still be in damage limitation mode, evidenced by his assertion that the OW set the whole discovery up after it was clear he wasn't going to leave you. That may or may not be true, but it casts him in a better light, doesn't it?

Like I said upthread, it's impossible to move on properly until one is sure that all the truth is out there. The other thing I want to say to you is that 4 months (at least) is long enough to develop a liar habit. That has become so ingrained, it is almost impossible for someone to shake it off within 2 days.

For your own peace of mind, get digging and verifying.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 14:09

ok just to update on the cunt of an ex husband.

turns out he has kissed her with the children around.

am i being irrational in my last text to him which says i will be finding legal representation?

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 31/03/2010 14:12

How did that info come out? Have you sent the text?

norksinmywaistband · 31/03/2010 14:12

OMG what a Cunt

I think It would be a decider for me as well - File as soon as possible. Your poor DC the eldest must have been so confused

StarExpat · 31/03/2010 14:14

ew. Did the kids tell you that? not irrational at all. I guess that wasn't the end of the "physical" side. he's a loser.

ladylush · 31/03/2010 14:14

I agree with WWIFN. I thought I knew my h very well (we'd been together for 18 years) yet he was able to lie to me for over a year. Even now, I don't know if I would really know whether he is telling the truth. I do know that if he ever lied to me again about another woman I would be seeing a divorce lawyer sharpish. Do you really think it was just the two occasions? What do you want to do? Hope you are managing to eat. I found it very hard to eat as I had no appetite and every time I tried to eat the food seemed to stick in my throat.

StarExpat · 31/03/2010 14:15

I meant you texting that would not be irrational at all.
It was certainly irrational forhim to kiss her in front of dc... or at all for that matter!

ladylush · 31/03/2010 14:16

Cross posted Omg - so sorry

ggglimpopo · 31/03/2010 14:19

Go and see a lawyer and the cab and photocopy everything you need (mortgage/bank/certs everything).

You don't need to do anything with this information, but having it will give you confidence. It gives you control over what you do and your choices and means you can be proactive, rather than reactive, especially if you decide to have him back and it goes tits up.

Ditto emotionally - go see someone by yourself - relate or a counsellor. To get yourself strong and into a good place where you are not all fuzzy and sad all the time (some of the time is admissable!).

Knowing where you stand is very powerful.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 14:22

he i asked if he hugged/kissed her at other times and he said yes, but that they didn't meet specially it was when they met with the kids or at work. the he must have realised how awful that was and sent a second text saying, that it wasn't in front of the kids or at work.

i replied saying thanks for the half honesty, i will be finding legal representation. and thats that. hes tried calling, but i am not buying any more shit.

no food, just want to vomit

OP posts:
skidoodly · 31/03/2010 14:24

you are not being irrational

what an utter, utter cunt

your poor children

ladylush · 31/03/2010 14:25

try to do something nice for yourself as soon as you feel able. Maybe go out with your sister or a friend?

norksinmywaistband · 31/03/2010 14:27

Can you drink if you can't eat - I remember surviving on milky coffee with sugar for a few days til I could stomach food then progressed to soup.

I agree you should go round the house and get all documentation re house/mortgage
savings accounts
credit card/loans
his wages
Car
Marriage certificate
photo ID for you

photocopied to take along to any meeting you do have with a solicitor. makes it quicker and saves you going back just to hand over paperwork.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 14:29

i am just so scared of being on my own

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 31/03/2010 14:30

so for you

He is still thinking he can control the situation - sounds like he was only as honest as he wanted to be

He is IMO only clawing his way back to you with his feel sorry for me act, because he has realised how much his being led by his cock has lost him everything.

Bit too late really

ladylush · 31/03/2010 14:33

Personally the continued lying would be a complete deal breaker. You made it clear to him that you wanted the truth, yet he is still lying.

bossyboop · 31/03/2010 14:34

oh no it just gets worse, tho in a way it might give you strength to walk away - reassure you its the right thing to do. I hope that is the end for them both tho - would like to see him suffer and lose everything and the inlaws will be fretting firstly over the fact they have him living at home again permanently and secondly over how often they will get to see their grandchildren, thus meaning he will be getting more stick off them. Feel empowered as now you are calling the shots and he is left feeling awful.

ggglimpopo · 31/03/2010 14:36

I think because you are still being fed nonsense you should ring the husband. At least you will know more about what has really being going on.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 14:38

i feel the least empowered i have ever done.

i didnt think i could feel worse than i did

i feel like i dont want to lose him, but i lost him months ago didnt i.

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 31/03/2010 14:38

tried calling husband, no answer

OP posts:
kyotokate · 31/03/2010 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

norksinmywaistband · 31/03/2010 14:42

hbm - you didn't lose him though he chose to disregard you and your feelings.
But yes, this didn't start when he said that sentence it started ages ago

Sorry he is still lying.
Don't ring him, it won't bring you comfort