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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 30/03/2010 19:41

I will send you a message through the system- they can take a few hours to arrive, but sometimes it's faster- then you'll have my email address. I forgot to say too that I can recommend an excellent solicitor locally that specialises in family law too x

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 19:41

Fab - yes it is about him. part of that i think is his really immature way of communicating, another part is that he is a man, and finally that i know he only is not with her cos they got found out.

AF - i appreciate your comments and honesty. I think i need to see him, just to have some facts as i really don't think i can come to terms or make decisions until that is done. believe me, there will be sweeping under the carpet and (without sounding like a psycho) i kinda what him to pay for a good while.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 30/03/2010 19:42

Ah, I see that you're not set up to recieve messages. But if you click on the contact poster link on my posts, then I can reply to you. Dry white is my preference

FabIsGettingThere · 30/03/2010 19:43

What, and all men only think of themselves?

AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 19:46

ok, hbm x

btw...had he already set off in the car with mummy in tow before "asking" to see you ?

if that is so...he is still calling the shots

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 19:47

thanks bitoffun, i will look out for it!

no idea why he didn't drive, maybe too stressed? i know i wasn't at my peak driving earlier.

he was doing a masters as i was trying to do a degree. he has just told me that he has quit his masters as it was selfish of him as i should have had the time to do mine. i think he has realised a few things. the grass isnt always greener, that he is childish and selfish. i feel so much stronger as i know he is feeling all weak and pathetic (insert evil laugh!)

p.s im not really a psycho!

OP posts:
FabIsGettingThere · 30/03/2010 19:49

I really don't get he is feeling weak and pathetic.

What time are you meeting him?

Gems55 · 30/03/2010 19:53

PLease be cautious. Dont let him straight back in after everything he has done to you.

x

mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 19:53

Well done HBM, about setting your conditions. It's a very good idea to claim the house as your space, terrific instinct there. And doing the chat while you walk is a really sound idea. At home, on the couch, in the familiar shared space would not be the place to do this. I think you will learn a lot from observing his demeanour. If anything strikes you in any way, pay attention to it.

I am also about mummy doing the driving; no doubt there will also be a lot of chatting between them, and presumably the talk you have will be raked over by his parents and him afterwards. I would ask your H to tell his parents he will be keeping it all private and between the two of you -- ask him if he can tell you why he thinks you are asking for this from him. (Hint: if he can do this it is out of needing to honour your relationship, honour you by agreeing to your request, and prove he is willing to do something you ask of him. It is not because you dislike his parents or think they're nosey. And you are not making a request that is unreasonable or implying that you can't trust him.) If you think he hesitates or does some hemming and hawing, or if you think he will say ok and then spill the beans when he's back in mummy's car, that's bad news.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 19:54

fab - not all men, just him!!
i think he is feeling weak, but i will let you know anyway!

AF- dont say that! i was feeling all empowered!

i've told him to wait in the park (opposite my house) until i'm ready. (and when my sis arrives to baby sit)

told him he cant come here as i need the house to be my space at the mo.

OP posts:
FabIsGettingThere · 30/03/2010 19:58

Why are you seeing him?

StarExpat · 30/03/2010 19:58

I've just read this because was in active convos and your op was so moving. I am so sorry you are going through this Other posters have such great advice, glad you are taking it all in

YOu just said he told you he quit his masters.... when was that? You had thought he was going out to his classes recently. Was he seeing ow instead?
I second talking to ow's H.
And your h sounds like a childish idiot.
He is going to be manipulative when you see him. He knows you well and he will know how to get to you, what to say...etc. Stay strong.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 20:00

gem - don't worry, i will absolutely not let him back just like that. no way at all. too much trust has gone to pretend its ok.

math - thanks so much for the advice. really good idea. i think i will quiz him about the parents in car thing. according to my SIL (who is one of my absolute best friends and trust with my life) my IL's are totally furious and told my SIL that they are worried that by him staying with them i will think they are on his side, when they're on mine. I know its not about side, well, actually it is isn't it?

guess i should get, i know im in liverpool but I do not feel comfortable going out in my pj's!

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 20:02

i feel i need to see him, as remember since he told me ive not actually spoken to him. just for my sanity i think.

thanks star - he quit it today. not sure why, but i will ask everything i want to know and thats that

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 30/03/2010 20:02

Please be aware HBM, He is now a hardened liar, and you did not see through them before.
Whatever he says tonight, please remember he has had all day to practice his responses to any questions you may ask and you still may not get the truth.
I am glad you have claimed the house as a place for you and your DC for the moment.
When he comes for his chat I would also hand him a bag and request he leaves you alone for a while to consider his actions and your plan for the future.

He needs to show he is sorry but respecting you and your wishes any sign he is not doing this and it is still his game

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 20:05

good advice as usual nork.

ok ladies i will go and meet him and feedback later if you are around.

bitoffun - no idea how to contact you! just paid £5 though!

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 30/03/2010 20:06

HBM, be cautious of your IL's
I still have a close relationship with my SIL, and my PIL were very supportive of me when we first split and were "on my side" in the same way you have mentioned.
However they soon showed their true colours when I petitioned for divorce- have not spoken to me since

StarExpat · 30/03/2010 20:07

Pack him up a bag so he can't claim to need to come in and get stuff!

AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 20:07

hbm...go to the post of a MN'er you want to email

on the right of the blue line above the words is "contact poster"

it can take w while to get through though

Xales · 30/03/2010 20:07

Pack him a bag of bits he will need for a week away and give it to him. It is not final but it gives you space.

Don't agree to anything. Make non-commital noises or say you will think about it.

Don't let him draw you into an argument on it's your fault because............

Leave him whenever you want, just walk away if you need.

Good luck! (hugs)

Karmann · 30/03/2010 20:13

I think you're ready to listen to him now but that you are also very strong and won't listen to crap. Having this day to yourself with the support you have had here has given you strength - the strength you will need to get you through.

And I must say this, you have maintained an amazing sense of humour throughout an extremely difficult day - must be the scouse in you! Good luck and stay strong.

serendipitous · 30/03/2010 20:16

Take care, take it slow and stay strong.

AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 20:16

lol @ "scouse in you"

very true

PlumBumMum · 30/03/2010 20:24

good luck

mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 20:27

Possibly too late and you may already be gone out, but you don't have to agree to anything he suggests right there on the spot. Just say, 'I'll think about that and get back to you when I can'. Don't let him put any pressure on you to decide anything tonight and don't agree to any timetable.