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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
BigBadMummy · 30/03/2010 17:25

Far wiser women have commented on here before me but I just wanted to say I read your OP last night and felt for you.

Your husband is a coward. To not be able to stand in front of you and explain fully exactly what has happened / where / when / who knows / and beg for your forgiveness would be the deal breaker for me.

As somebody else has said "hiding behind mummy's skirts" is pathetic.

You are an amazingly strong woman and you should be proud of what you have acheived in 24 hours.

You need to stay strong, and at times that will not be easy, but know that all these wise ladies are behind you.

And this needs to be on your terms now.

morejuiceplease · 30/03/2010 18:21

Have just read entire thread and I just wanted to tell you how amazing I think you are op, you sound so strong and you're handling this so well, and you've had some really good advice from other posters.

You'll get through this and come out the other side happier and stronger.

This is what I love about mn, the massive support network and good, sensible advice from people who've been there.

Gems55 · 30/03/2010 18:36

Hi Homebirthmummy

I have just read the whole thread and
I just wanted to add my support to you and your situation. You are coping so well in such a horrible and nasty situation.

PLease don't feel guilty that you are not able to give your kids all of the attention they normally get - its not everyday that you are left to deal with a shit of a husband.

Keep strong and don't let his lies and vile behaviour upset you too much - I know this is easier said than done!

Test his parents and ask them to give you some space to think about things. THe last thing you need is them interferring in what is already a really tricky situation.

Much love xxxxxxxx

CowWatcher · 30/03/2010 18:42

Much the same as everyone else. I feel for you & wish you all the best for the coming days and weeks. Best & hugs

BitOfFun · 30/03/2010 18:52

I would tell his parents that you need some time to process that he has been having an affair for months now, and starting arguments at home to try and blame you for it. And then I would look for a solicitor.

I am near you, I think, if you ever want to do the Contact-a-Poster thing

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 19:03

thanks everyone for all the messages.

i took your advice and went out in the torrential rain and it was wonderful. it felt so fresh and the weather kinda mimicked how i was feeling if that makes sense.

he said he wants to come over. i don't know how i feel about that. i do want to see him for
some face to face communication and to get to the bottom of things. but i just dont want to see him. i am so tired and drained.

what should i do lovely ladies?

kids in bed too and sister almost back x

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 19:03

Do always remember, from here on things are ON YOUR TERMS. I completely agree, keep your distance from Relate for however long it takes for you to be sure there are no more lies being told, if you think you need to go in that direction at all. Don't let anyone pressure you into going to any sort of relationship counseling before you're good and ready and feel in your gut that it would benefit YOU. Don't let anyone guilt you into any decision. The calendar means nothing right now -- don't let anyone hurry you up or try to impose a deadline on you. You owe nothing to your H or to his parents or family, no answers, no guarantees, no decisions.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 19:05

thanks for the advice on relate. i thought it would be best to go as soon as, so you could work out whats been going on. does it not work like that?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 19:05

Need to add, if you do go to couples counseling at some stage, make sure you are the one who does the intake interview or the initial appointment set-up. You need to get your speak in first at these things. You need to make the first impression.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 19:06

thanks bitoffun, it would be nice to know some people in Liverpool x

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 19:07

math - what does that mean? i kinda thought, you created the problem, you make the appointment. no?

OP posts:
Gems55 · 30/03/2010 19:15

I totally understand that you want to see him, but you need to make sure that you are feeling strong enough to face him first. If he has lied to you so easily for so long then I would worry that he will have no problem lying to you again in order to get back into the house and relationship with you.

I just want you to make sure that you meet him on your terms and that he understands.

I am so sorry I live so far away from you but it will be ok eventually. You sound like a very strong, sensible and lovely lady.

Take care

mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 19:17

No, I would say, get your version of events on the table first (if at all -- don't go if you don't think it would benefit you). Foolishly I allowed exH to do this, and during our first session it emerged from the counselor's questions to me that Ex had fed the intake interview lady a story about our relationship and why we were in counseling that was completely new and unfamiliar to me. Needless to say, counseling didn't go well.

BitOfFun · 30/03/2010 19:19

Oh, I forgot to say that I have had a homebirth too, and I never run out of wine

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 19:20

thanks gems55. its a hard call. i actually feel really faint at the mo, stress maybe? but i kinda think that maybe i need to see him to begin to process as today was a nightmare as i was trying to get all the facts and figure fact from fiction.

he did say that he didnt care if i didnt want to see him. he wants to come to prive he would do anthing and that we are the most important people in his lives. i guess i want to hear him out, and no matter what im feeling inwardly, outwardly i know i can look strong.

my worry is that, if, in time, we work things out, that i will always hold it against him.

OP posts:
Gems55 · 30/03/2010 19:23

Def stress lovely.

I think if you want to see him then that is totally up to you. It may actually be good to get some things off your chest? Also if you talk to him face to face you will be able to tell if he is lying or not!

Did you ever manage to talk to the H of the OW?

giraffesCANdriveAcar · 30/03/2010 19:24

Just read whole thread and I know it sounds silly but wish I could give you a hug, make you a cuppa and take the kids off your hands for a few hours. Oh what a bastard. Am so sorry. have lots of cbeebies and dvds and give yourself some time.

glad youve got mumsnet now for some support.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 19:24

math- thats interesting to know. i will make sure i speak first.

bitoffun - ok i defo need to meet you then!! are you in Liverpool? and what wine do you drink!! the important questions!

OP posts:
FabIsGettingThere · 30/03/2010 19:28

He doesn't care if you don't want to see him..

He wants to prove to you..

Still all about him isn't it?

mathanxiety · 30/03/2010 19:29

It's posturing.

AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 19:31

In your situation, I would not meet with him

You sound vulnerable to me...to the pretty words he will feed to you

I know posters are saying you sound strong...and of course you are doing the best you can in shitty circumstances

and...you must do what you feel comfortable with

but, hand on heart, if you were my RL friend I would tell you to keep your distance until much more time had passed and you were much clearer about your feelings

you will be all over the place at the moment...and I think you are in grave danger of caving and accepting his comfort

you will regret that very, very much if you were to do that so soon...with so little reparation from him

I don't mean for you to play games...but you are under waaaaay too much pressure here

he will want you to accept his version of events and sweep all this "unpleasantness" under the carpet so you can all "get back to normal"

no

that is now how it should be

< just my opinion...one of several different versions of the right thing to do, I am sure >

AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 19:31

not how it should be...

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 19:34

giraffes - i too am so glad i have mn! and a hug is never silly! i had a beautiful hug with my dc earlier and it really helped.

i have not called the OWH yet, i have contacts for all the people that knew too. anyone want to pretend to be me and call.

just to add, i have been very strong and called the shots re seeing him. i told him he can wait in the car outside until my sister arrives then we can go for a walk and chat. and i said I dont want to see his parents (apparently his mum in car too -WTF?!! baby boy). i said i need the house to be my space for now.

(baby steps i know, but i feel in control!)

OP posts:
Gems55 · 30/03/2010 19:38

Are you meeting him tonight then?

Does he not drive himself????? Why does he need his mother to take him!!!

FabIsGettingThere · 30/03/2010 19:40

Why do you want to see him?

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