My children are the reason he's leaving, any advice?

[PatienceRequired]

Hi all,
I am unsure whether to post this here or on the step family board but i am a regular lurker here and so feel more at home on this board.

My partner and i have been together for nearly 4 years and we both have two children from previous relationships. His are grown and independant while mine are only 7 and 4 years old. We have one dd together who is 26 months.

He wants to leave due to the fact that he just can not tolerate my two children. We have had issues before with the way he disciplines them so harshly and gives them little positive interaction to balance it. But when he tries he can be lovely with them. This is the only sticking point in our relationship.

He says he doesn't want to leave me and dd but just cant bear my 2 anymore. He says if he had somewhere to go he would be gone but he seems to be in such turmoil, like he wants to stay but dosen't want to either. He seems in such a dark place i am worried for his mental health regardless of the outcome for us as a couple. Not helped by the fact that yesterday he found out he may be out of a job in 6 weeks.

We are still "friends" and are talking lots, we don't really do shouting and screaming with venom when we have a problem but a conversation, with calm voices and taking time to consider what is being said. last night he cried which is only the second time i have seen in cry. (the other being at his brothers wedding in feb) To be honest its like he's having a midlife crisis. He assures me its not "us" that is the problem but my 2 children. And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.

I have suggested that we can't be the only step family to have this issue and there must be some help available but he won't entertain the idea at all. He dosen't have any faith in counselling or alternative therapies at all. Or any compassion for mental health problems. As if you cant see the injury it dosen't exist. I have discussed my concern with him re his mental health but he believes that the kids are the cause of how low he feels, when i question if they are just an easy scapegoat.

As it stands he's looking for somewhere to go but not coming up with any options. In the meantime we are all kinda walking on eggshells, and it has over the years affected my relationship with my kids negatively. I know i can't allow him to treat them badly, but feel like i am in no-win situation. If we stay together then 2 of my children may be affected but if we split then the little dd life will never b the same again. I know all about 2 seperate happy parents are better than 2 miserable together, and she is young enough to adapt, but either way some of them are going to end up f*cked up and thats without taking my wishes into consideration.

I'm not sure what i want from this really, any one got any advice, or similar experiences? how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? Perhaps i just need to vent and have a virtual hand hold... i don't know what to feel really...scared to think about how i feel in case i just fall apart and cant get it back together again for the kids. It just seems such a shame when we as a couple are happy together.

I feel so sick when reading through your posts on here and on other subjects.

I think you are a vile woman in all honesty.

You go so far as to openly say you yourself dislike your four year old What hope has that little lad got if you and the bastard of a stepfather both resent him and treat him with such disregard and malice?

The little man tells you he loves you over and over and you repay him and your eldest dd by allowing them to be bullied and treated like dogs in their own home.

You take an active part in the abuse of these babies. You shout at them and it 'tickles' you that they get scared by the fact you are bellowing at them.
What the fuck is wrong with you?

You have posted asking for help but refuse to accept any advice that isnt 'oh thats fine, we all beat the shit out of little people but thats ok cos we go to a group for 25mins once a fortnight to swap stories'

Who is this 'fab friend' Does she think its all okay? How odd if so.

Mmm, OP - want to start thinking with your head instead of another part of your anatomy? Do you not realise that your children come first? They do not have a voice - you do. They do not have a choice - you do. They cannot defend themselves - you can do that for them.

This thread is making me feel sick, to be honest.

This is the saddest thread I have ever read.

It seems that the undying loyalty that we all feel for our children is missing in the OP...

Even if the OP were to leave him, I fear she would blame and resent her children for the break up of her relationship.

I haven't heard from MNHQ yet.

It wouldn't suprise me if they ahd mialed her and that's what prompted her last message.

To the OP's DP

You met the OP when her children were 3 and a very young baby. You are the only FATHER figure they have known yet you not only openly admit you only tolerate them, BUT you obviously do NOT love them. You have children from your previous relationship that TOLERATE you, see a pattern here? and the root cause of it is YOU. You are an abusive, controlling freak of nature who needs to grow a back bone and move out stay away and let these children regain some sense of normality in their lives, Because while you are there they are having none. You are the kind of person who will eventually end up hurting one of the children because they won't comply to your rules/demands. I think we all know from what your DP has written that you were the same to your other children so you will therefore be the same to "your" dd, do the lot of them a favour and leave them alone.

To the OP, you also need to grow a backbone and desperatly need to learn how to be a mother, you are at best a carer for your children atm doing the basics while you ensure you have your "man" and a regular fuck putting it bluntly, although why you would want to have an arsehole like this in your life I and all the other posters fail to see. Try being a MUM you may be better off googling what being a MUM means because right about now you are failing miserably and your poor children are going to suffer so much more than they already are.

Its been a while since a thread truly sickened me but this one has. I have two little boys and i cant imagine them being hurt this way. I also have a dss and whilst I cant claim to feel for him what I do for my own children, I certainly wouldnt want him to suffer this way either. I think YOU are to blame op. YOU exposed your children to this YOU put yourself first and your children second and YOU are too pathetic to change the situation for children you chose. I cant believe you said you didnt like your own four year old - unless he has adhd or another behavioural disorder then his behaviour at that age is a product of his influences - i.e you and your disgusting partner. Its good though that you feel this way because one day they will hate you and at least you wont mind that.

This thread has left a nasty feeling in my stomach.

'He assures me its not "us" that is the problem but my 2 children.'

He "assures" me. ASSURES. ASSURES

There it is in a nutshell.

'I wish i, or anyone i knew, had the problem free lives and you all seem to live.'

With a large dose of self-pity and sarcasm to boot.

'I wish i, or anyone i knew, had the problem free lives and you all seem to live.'

Cheeky fecker.

Patience Required - is there a relative that your two older children can stay with for a while? This may prove to you and your partner that all your problems do not stem from your children.

I understand you are probably reeling right now... you posted seeking advice and comfort. And instead, got something very different.

People are really angry with you. Can you understand why? Just a little bit?

Children are emotion absorbers. Please don't think they won't have sensed what is going on in your home. I am assuming/hoping that you and your partner haven't discussed how he feels in front of them. Anyway, whether you have or you haven't, they will be aware of it.

Please know that what is going on is NOT normal. I don't know how your childhood was, but I think it (or something) may have coloured your view of what is acceptable.

This is normal: If ANYONE, whether it was my DH, my parents, the PM or even the Pope dared to say that they did not like my children - not only would I never ever speak to them again - I would give them a mouthful too. They would be out of my life.

This is not normal: Saying 'I do not like your children.' I doubt that phrase has been used much at all. Ever. Because it is not normal. And not acceptable.

People are worried for you and your family.

If you take anything from this thread. Take this:
THIS IS NOT YOUR CHILDREN'S FAULT.

Please do not stop coming to Mumsnet. There is some good advice here.

Please do not cover up for your partner.

Please love your children.

OP - what was your upbringing like?

OP, please listen, because i think you are very much like my mother was,(you will balk at the suggestion - i know) if you asked her now if i had it rough, she would swear blind that i didnt.

she turned a blind eye, and occasionally if she did question his discipline, then he would start an argument with her, throw such a petulant childish strop and in the end she would agree with him that i was the root cause of all unrest in their relationship.

my SF didnt like me to start with but it did get worse when his own child came along. OP has your partner changed at all since you had your baby together? or has he always disliked your kids?

i think if it was only this thread of yours then i could accept better what your saying, but you have posted lots on your children and partner and it makes very unsettling reading. do you want your kids to end up hating you? because i cant forgive my mother. she will die alone. (SF died aged 52).

i forgot to say to Getridofhim, your experiences sound very similar to mine, even down to how you stopped it - i just wanted to say ((hugs)) back at you and to all others in the same boat.

I don't reckon she has experienced what her kids are going through tbh.

No woman in their right mind would let their own flesh and blood experience anything they had in their own childhood.

urgh, what a disgusting thread. OP - how dare you let someone treat your children like that? I hope you are still reading all these responses and that you are not still in denial about your horrible husband. You should have got rid of him a long time ago, your poor dcs.

Sadly, Staycee, too many parents repeat the mis-treatment or lack of care they suffered as children.

I believe it's known as the cycle of abuse, and it is only when you face the painful knowledge that your parents didn't do right by you that you can make the decision that your own DCs will not suffer the same maltreatment.

I hope the OP finds it in herself to come to terms with where her (and her DP's) attitude comes from, and uses the power she has to turn everyone's life around.

Very glad the OP did come back and not surprised by the response. It will take a lot for her to admit she has allowed someone to abuse her children (and openly and actively disliking children you are supposed to love is abuse, IMO, even without the physical stuff) for so long. She even sounds PROUD of herself for sometimes standing up for them.

But, on the basis that she (or he) may still be reading,I can't bear to sit and wait for an Msnetter somewhere to spot them and raise concerns, I wanted to add a couple of things. Firstly, I would say to the OP, if what you post this last time is a more accurate assessment of the situation, you admit yourself it is very very far from ideal. There is no reason you couldn't do all of the things you say your DH has miraculously decided to do during a temporary separation.

Secondly, get on the phone to your DC's real Dad. Fine, you think he is a waste of space (and I wonder whose opinion that is - abusers don't like having other adults/friends/support around those they have chosen to abuse)but he is their real Dad and I'm going to guess that even if he hasn't made the effort to stay in touch he probably doesn't dislike his own kids (because - and in case you missed it - THAT'S NOT NORMAL)

Get in touch with him, tell him his kids need him and offer to drop them at his house for some quality time this Easter. (Statistics show that kids who have regular contact with their natural father are less likely to be abused)And if, as you say, all in the garden is lovely, it can't do them any harm to have a better relationship with their Dad.

he sounds like a twat.

she sounds like a twat too

but i think there is some serious over analysing going on on this thread.

its all gone a bit hysterical

calm down you bunch of nutters.

Tanga- my mum also tried to justify making me live with an abuser by saying that she sometimes stood up for me.

Thing is, I didn't want her to fight with him about me, I wanted her to protect my family from his abuse.

Such a sad thread.
What is your problem OP that you have allowed a man into your life who dislikes your children ?????
Your job is to protect and love your children, not service your own needs first.
I'm disgusted.
You can say all you like that this is not a similar situation to abuse cases that have been in the news but WAKE UP WOMAN!!!! if you put anyone above your dcs in your loyalties and affections then you are being ignorant and vile.
Kick this twat out and start giving your children the love they deserve and need.

I think that this has got out of hand, PR only wanted some advice and all she has got is abuse. I think that her partner has faced up to his problems and thinks that leaving the woman he loves will be the best thing for the children... this is not abuse, it's preventing it. Fair play to you DP if you're reading this for standing up to your problems, it takes a real man to do that. You are thinking of the children and not yourself.

I am sure PR has talked about this issue with her friends and they are helping her get through a really tough time in her life. SS do not need to be involved as the Children have not been physically abused and the family are trying to do what is best for the children.

I feel for all the posters that have been through abuse as children and thank them for sharing their stories. Let's hope Mumsnetters can start helping people rather than presuming the worst all the time

doesn't really sound like he does want whats best for the children though, he blames them entirely for all the problems in his relationship and heres OP searching for a solution to make it easier for him to tolerate her children.
He's just not normal.
and Op should never even have given him the time of day,let alone have a 4 year relationship with this arsehole. It should never have come to this

Er, there was a strong suggestion of physical abuse actually- and emotional neglect is very much in the remit of Social Services. Plus the leaving threat seems to be just that- a stick to beat the OP with, and presumably ensure that the children don't dare leave their bedroms to go to the toilet etc.

As for "Let's hope Mumsnetters can start helping people rather than presuming the worst all the time"- that has got to be one of the most patronising things I've read on here all day, and I've been on a thread with LeQueen. Wow.

I agree with BOF

all of it

To Unlikelyamazonian.....who the fuck do u think u are to give such blunt and disgusting advice!?
And to all on this feed that have badmouthed this poor individual who is not even able to come on here and defend themselves!!

Not once has PatienceRequired stated that this man hits/abuses/mentally scars these children. he is obviously doing his best as a step dad to them to take the place as male role model in their life and show them how to act/behave/be polite etc.

I too wud get annoyed if my children ate with their mouth open, any DECENT parent would, 1 it is rude and 2 they need to learn manners. If Supernanny read any of your comments Im sure she'd be around your households instead.

I think PatienceRequired needs to grow a backbone themself with their children and back this man up once in a while instead of whats sound like...him looking the bad guy everytime!

And to ORMRENEWED, not once has PR said anything about him showing venom towards them, where u getting this from loser!?

Alot of these replies are based on asumptions not fact!

Maggie00..."Your poor 7 year old and 4 year old. They must be confused" If these children were so confused and so badly treated by him would if not of been brought up in the first post.

What i want tp know PR is, are the children happy in day to day life, do they interact with each other still not looking over their shoulders, do they go to school happy and come home after a good day?! Do u work? do u disciplin?

Oh and finally, if you say PR that you both communicate so well why are you on here and feel the need to broadcast your lives!?

oh. the OP's other half has found this then i see. good oh.