My children are the reason he's leaving, any advice?

[PatienceRequired]

Hi all,
I am unsure whether to post this here or on the step family board but i am a regular lurker here and so feel more at home on this board.

My partner and i have been together for nearly 4 years and we both have two children from previous relationships. His are grown and independant while mine are only 7 and 4 years old. We have one dd together who is 26 months.

He wants to leave due to the fact that he just can not tolerate my two children. We have had issues before with the way he disciplines them so harshly and gives them little positive interaction to balance it. But when he tries he can be lovely with them. This is the only sticking point in our relationship.

He says he doesn't want to leave me and dd but just cant bear my 2 anymore. He says if he had somewhere to go he would be gone but he seems to be in such turmoil, like he wants to stay but dosen't want to either. He seems in such a dark place i am worried for his mental health regardless of the outcome for us as a couple. Not helped by the fact that yesterday he found out he may be out of a job in 6 weeks.

We are still "friends" and are talking lots, we don't really do shouting and screaming with venom when we have a problem but a conversation, with calm voices and taking time to consider what is being said. last night he cried which is only the second time i have seen in cry. (the other being at his brothers wedding in feb) To be honest its like he's having a midlife crisis. He assures me its not "us" that is the problem but my 2 children. And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.

I have suggested that we can't be the only step family to have this issue and there must be some help available but he won't entertain the idea at all. He dosen't have any faith in counselling or alternative therapies at all. Or any compassion for mental health problems. As if you cant see the injury it dosen't exist. I have discussed my concern with him re his mental health but he believes that the kids are the cause of how low he feels, when i question if they are just an easy scapegoat.

As it stands he's looking for somewhere to go but not coming up with any options. In the meantime we are all kinda walking on eggshells, and it has over the years affected my relationship with my kids negatively. I know i can't allow him to treat them badly, but feel like i am in no-win situation. If we stay together then 2 of my children may be affected but if we split then the little dd life will never b the same again. I know all about 2 seperate happy parents are better than 2 miserable together, and she is young enough to adapt, but either way some of them are going to end up f*cked up and thats without taking my wishes into consideration.

I'm not sure what i want from this really, any one got any advice, or similar experiences? how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? Perhaps i just need to vent and have a virtual hand hold... i don't know what to feel really...scared to think about how i feel in case i just fall apart and cant get it back together again for the kids. It just seems such a shame when we as a couple are happy together.

It is easier than you think but you need to think of your children first of all and not him. Get emotional instead re your children, be on their bloody side for once!!.

He is responsible for his own actions, not you. He is choosing to leave his DD but you and your other children all came as part of the package. If he cannot stomach the thought of bringing up another man's child then he should not have got together with you in the first place.

so he's been with you since one child was a toddler and the other was a baby?

He should love these children like his own - if he doesn't then tell him to fuck off.

I would also be wary of placing too much importance on him being nice to your children "when he tries".

I grew up in the same house as someone very much like your dp, so can sadly hazard a guess at what some of the punishments and methods of discipline are that your dp uses. My mother would either pretend she hadn't noticed it, say nothing at all, or would join in with the "Well it wouldn't have happened if you'd done what you were supposed to do!".

A couple of times a year she would step in and tell her dp that she wouldn't put up with it anymore. He would make a few token gestures and then the pattern would continue. Meanwhile, when things were getting bad again my mother would tell herself that he couldn't be all that bad because after all he'd taken us to such-and-such a place once or done something with us. It was all an act to keep her off his back.

It's not good enough for him to be nice only when he feels like it. He sounds like a whining brat. Midlife crisis is an excuse to act like a turd. Why is he hanging around? Why not just leave? Is he giving you time to dwell in the hope you choose him over your children?

right ok, bottom line

if you put your relationship with a man, before that with your children, you will live to regret it

I have no respect for any person who would sacrifice their children's emotional happiness for some bloke

think about that

What Nancy66 said. He must be heartless to "resent" small children, when he must have been a huge part of their lives.

OP, if you mean that your partner disciplines your children physically, I really don't think that you have a choice. Honestly, please ask him to leave.

If I've misunderstood that, I apologise.

Either way, I think you know this relationship is not right for your or your children.

please read my post - i know what its like to grow up walking on eggshells, to be anxious all the time in case i did something to trigger him, and for me that could also be eating in the 'wrong' way, or not washing up properly, or not doing things in the 'right' order when clearing a table, in his contempt for me he ended up not being able to speak to me, he used to click his fingers and point. he also beat me badly, for the slightest thing, he used to look for an excuse to hit me, with belts, canes, kitchen utensils,

i hate my mother more than him for allowing the abuse tbh. its her i still think about, not him, and im nearly 40 now.

sorry OP just seen you did reply - i missed it - you seem to know what you need to do. if he cant seek help then thats his choice made,
good luck.

If it helps you, you must realise that he will be absolutely fine when he leaves. He is responsible for his own behaviour, as he is an adult. It's his responsibility to have a job and to find a place to live if he's not sure he can tolerate 'your' children.

Don't use the mental health issues as an excuse not to face up to the truth that he is not capable of being a grown-up, and a decent human being. Yes, I suppose he is feeling rather bleak about things. He bloody should be. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

'And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.'

He sounds deranged, and frankly quite dangerous. What does he want? For them to be adopted by someone else? It's bizarre.

I can't believe this is the only issue between you. So he's blissfully brilliant and kind and sensitive, but incredibly unpleasant, aggressive and intolerant towards your babies? I find that highly unlikely.

And if it's true, it's kind of weird and, er, selfish of you to consider staying with him, isn't it? Or are you very very scared of him?

Aw Patience You do sound as if you know this can't go on.
I also am thinking, if he has helped bring them up from babyhood and then says he can't tolerate them then there is something wrong with him.
That is a nasty thing to say to you and if you let him stay and divide the whole family then you will regret it.
Good luck this will be hard now but worth it when you see all three of your dcs happy faces after you've done it.

My DD was 3 when I met my husband, If he had said then or now (6 yrs and another DD later) anything like what your partner is saying to you he would be out on his ear.

You are their mother, if they cannot trust you to ensure they are loved and cared for by all who live in their family home then who can they trust?

Your partner is a twat, ditch him before he ruins the self esteem of all 3 of your children (who knows, he may well find your DD just as intolerable as she gets older/develops her character).

No man should EVER come before your DC's.

He's looking for an outlet for his problems and using your children as the excuse: weak man. Afraid I concur with the others.

I had a horrible SF and grew up always feeling in the way and as if i did not belong - i def did affect my relationship with my mother as i felt she had chosen him over me. My mum got cancer and i nursed her and eventually she died - my SF was being really nice to everyone during this time but in fact even when she was poorly and begged him to come home and help move her he carried on working etc - it was all a show to other people. A few months after she dies and he was done crying on my shoulder he started to pick fights with me and eventually decided never to speak to me again, beofre he did this, he sat me down and told me he had never wanted me and had tolerated me for 20 odd years but now she was dead he didn't have to do it anymore - a lot of it was due to the fact i am the sole heir to anything my mum had but it has now passed to him and nothing i can do about it.

Whilst i know that this is projecing far into the future i did always know as a little one that he felt this way.

I was really scared after my marriage broke up to involve another man with my children - but very early on my H told me that if he could not love my dd's as his own then he had no business being with me. We have another son and are expecting another baby soo, things are not always easy particularly with my oldest dd who has a lot of issues around her borth father but i can tell you he would lay down his life for them, no question.

Please do not compromise your children and stay around this man, he has made his position clear.

I know (because I remember) how hard it can be sometimes even to end a relationship you don't want to be in and know isn't right. I finally, finally ended a relationship when my dc1 aged 4 regressed to wetting her knickers. There were lots of pre-catalysts, but that was the rocket up my arse. I'd been analysing and weighing up pros and cons (there were not pros, what was I thinking), but it was fear of change really. I'm glad that I was gone within two weeks of realising that my daughter was so nervous and anxious all the time that she was wetting her knickers. That was her own father btw. When you have to split up you have to split up. The longer you leave it the harder the break-up will be.

I agree with pp, no man should ever come before your children. Not even for a moment, not when they are this young.

I think you are being too calm tbh. Your children should be your priority not some man who can't grow up. I really couldn't stand there while someone said that about my children.

What is he like with his dd?

He sounds like an utterly poisonous presence in their childhood. If he does favout his bio child, then you can be sure that you are setting your children up for some very difficult sibling relationhips in later life if you don't tell him to leave. I feel so so sorry for your children.

Blinking heck AF Your 16:53 post is exactly what my mother did. I have kind of always known it but reading something about someone else and it could apply to me is hard to take.

My step dad sounds a lot like the man you describe in your OP. He is a twat, treated me like shit, I left home at 15.

I adore my Mother, she is my best friend and I am so glad our relationship survived this toxic man, however, there is always a part of me that thinks why didn't she leave him. Was I not more important? Did she not love me more? Or enough? Why did she pick him over me? As an adult I can now just about understand the complexities of the situation but for a long time I just felt pretty shit and I would NEVER ever let my child be in this situation and I suggest you don't either.

Please leave him!

he is manipulative and nasty to attribute blame to your children

be bold, tell him to go,his attitude is divisive and toxic.making it clear he favours his biological daughter will cause harm and pain to your children.

it will be tough
you will cry
but for sake of all the children, end it

fab...do you agree with me that what your mother did was horribly, horribly wrong ?

Of course. She did it more than once as well.

And you've let this continue for 4 years?

If you don't want to relate just what form his disciplining of your children takes, then we have to assume it's abusive.

Please get rid of him now. His behaviour is just shocking.

Urgh, your op left a nasty taste in my mouth.

The language you use suggests that you are siding with him over your own children

''If we stay together then 2 of my children may be affected but if we split then the little dd life will never b the same again.'' Oh please, your eldest two are living with a step parent why would it be so awful for your dd if you ditched this nasty lowlife and met someone else and she had a step dad also?

''And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.''

''and it has over the years affected my relationship with my kids negatively'' which YOU have allowed to happen.

'I know i can't allow him to treat them badly, but feel like i am in no-win situation.'
I really cannot see the cause of your conflict, he treats them disgustingly. You need to prioritise your children. ALL of them as dd will pick up on the tension even at her young age and the difference in the way he treats her and the difference in the way that you allow him to treat them.

It sickens me that you are allowing his childish pathetic selfish behaviour to continue and that you are sacrificing the relationship with your beautiful very young children for the whim of some middle aged twat.

Get rid of him.

((( fab )))