My children are the reason he's leaving, any advice?

[PatienceRequired]

Hi all,
I am unsure whether to post this here or on the step family board but i am a regular lurker here and so feel more at home on this board.

My partner and i have been together for nearly 4 years and we both have two children from previous relationships. His are grown and independant while mine are only 7 and 4 years old. We have one dd together who is 26 months.

He wants to leave due to the fact that he just can not tolerate my two children. We have had issues before with the way he disciplines them so harshly and gives them little positive interaction to balance it. But when he tries he can be lovely with them. This is the only sticking point in our relationship.

He says he doesn't want to leave me and dd but just cant bear my 2 anymore. He says if he had somewhere to go he would be gone but he seems to be in such turmoil, like he wants to stay but dosen't want to either. He seems in such a dark place i am worried for his mental health regardless of the outcome for us as a couple. Not helped by the fact that yesterday he found out he may be out of a job in 6 weeks.

We are still "friends" and are talking lots, we don't really do shouting and screaming with venom when we have a problem but a conversation, with calm voices and taking time to consider what is being said. last night he cried which is only the second time i have seen in cry. (the other being at his brothers wedding in feb) To be honest its like he's having a midlife crisis. He assures me its not "us" that is the problem but my 2 children. And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.

I have suggested that we can't be the only step family to have this issue and there must be some help available but he won't entertain the idea at all. He dosen't have any faith in counselling or alternative therapies at all. Or any compassion for mental health problems. As if you cant see the injury it dosen't exist. I have discussed my concern with him re his mental health but he believes that the kids are the cause of how low he feels, when i question if they are just an easy scapegoat.

As it stands he's looking for somewhere to go but not coming up with any options. In the meantime we are all kinda walking on eggshells, and it has over the years affected my relationship with my kids negatively. I know i can't allow him to treat them badly, but feel like i am in no-win situation. If we stay together then 2 of my children may be affected but if we split then the little dd life will never b the same again. I know all about 2 seperate happy parents are better than 2 miserable together, and she is young enough to adapt, but either way some of them are going to end up f*cked up and thats without taking my wishes into consideration.

I'm not sure what i want from this really, any one got any advice, or similar experiences? how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? Perhaps i just need to vent and have a virtual hand hold... i don't know what to feel really...scared to think about how i feel in case i just fall apart and cant get it back together again for the kids. It just seems such a shame when we as a couple are happy together.

Not a troll. Massive denial. Look how the OP leaps on assumptions that have been made as an excuse to discount every bit of advice here. Someone referred to him as "husband", but we're not married, so you're wrong, so I don't have to listen! Someone talked about cruelty to pets, we don't have any, so you're wrong again and I don't have to... etc. Additionally her most recent post almost entirely contradicts the original one with respect to the P's attitude and the atmosphere at home. This reasonable talking they do would appear to be of the nature of him tying her in conversational knots, proving to her intellectually that things aren't that bad of course, and her concerns that compel her to post about it are pushed back down again and it's all right really. Mumsnet don't know what they're talking about, they're a bunch of hysterical women who don't know the true story.

No of course we don't, how could we? But really, not too many of us are thick or daft, and we can smell a stinking fish when it's waved under our noses even if you do snatch it away afterwards. And most of us have been there and know the absolute classic signs, of abuse, of dysfunctional partnerships and of denial. It's come straight from the Mr Murdstone Textbook of How To Get Away With Abusing Your Stepchildren, subtitled It's All For Their Own Good Really. It's classic. Seriously. And so, so frustrating. Just pray that one day the OP will wake up, take fingers out of ears, listen to her real instincts properly at last, and feel able to come here and say Yes, I did it, and the children are so much happier now.

Good grief. Is this the stage of development the human race has reached?
Depressing reminder that some are still firmly in the dark ages.
Words fail.

This is just a terribly sad thread and I wish I could help those kids.

OP - you posted asking for advice and help. Just because the advice and help you've been given is what you wanted to hear doesn't make it less valid.

This guy is a cancer in your family.

I sincerely hope this is a troll. This is how Baby P type cases happen, where one parent loses all empathy for their child to kowtow to a cruel partner. One of the most disturbing threads I've ever read on MN.

How do you feel about your older 2 children op? Are they close to their grandparents? I only ask because I really hope they have someone in their lives to care for them

Have thought very long and hard about posting this... apologies in advance if I'm barking up the wrong tree entirely.

But....

I found this thread over the weekend while searching for something else entirely.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/274564-can-t-stand-dp-s-kids

It seems that there were a spate of similar threads back in 2007, but written from the step parent's perspective.

I don't know what conclusion to draw, just felt I had to raise it.

Nah, that one was a troll, don't worry about it. I don't see this OP encouraging her kids to make stepdad's life a misery, do you?

I agree with Annie - the one you linked to had a different almost slapstick feel, whereas this is bleak as fuck.

Thanks - relieved in one sense, horrified that this is real in another.

"He assures me its not "us" that is the problem but my 2 children. And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd."

"I understand that abusive relationships are drip drip affect and normalised by the victim but that isn't the case here."

Just look at those two excerpts taken together. They show a classic pattern of denial.

The OP doesn't acknowledge that her DP is deliberately isolating and bullying. She doesn't see this because she doesn't want to recognise it. And regrettably, there is nothing anyone can do.

I'm really sorry for everyone posting on this thread who has willingly and supportively opened up old wounds. It must feel like you are dealing with your own mothers all over again. Hug your children and thank goodness they and you are in a fantastic place now

This is so not a troll.

I can't sit by and let this couple ruin these babies lives any longer.

I am going to do something about it.

How Fab?

Fab, what can you do? If there's some positive action we can take then a hundred posters on this thread will be right there with you.

I have contacted MNHQ for a start. I can't do nothing .

OK OP you are quite right. Your children are clearly not worth looking out for. Just hang on to your wonderful man and ditch the kids.

I hope you aren't real because no children deserve to be in that position.

Can MNHQ make direct contact with the OP?

Can anything be done in situations like this with regards to RL intervention? I am going to contact MNHQ too Fab.

This thread has made my blood boil, those poor children - even the DD will be hugely affected by her father's behaviour. The OP's previous post describing her 4 yr old's behaviour is also very telling in that he is very nonresponsive and withdrawn at home but constantly telling his mummy he loves her and she is reassuring him by saying it back (but not actually acting on his unhappiness at home).

What I also find shocking and upsetting is the brave posters on here who have shared their own very personal and emotional experiences with you in the hope of helping you see the situation from your sons POV and you have not even acknowledged them, never mind thanked them or shown any concern or sympathy. You ought to be ashamed.

OP if you continue burying your head in the sand like this your children are all going to suffer a damaging childhood and reach adulthood with a great many issues. I speak from experience. Do you realise the effect this is having on them all???

Well.

Actually cried while reading this thread. Actually, literally cried.

To all who've shared their stories, I'm so sorry that your childhoods were so hard and fucking awful.

To the OP - It doesn't matter what I write does it? You will continue to abuse your children by staying with this cunt. Be under no illusions. YOU are abusing your children by not kicking this piece of shit out.

I had a friend once who was dating a man who said to her "Everything would be great between us if it wasn't for your kids" I was beyond shocked that this didn't result in him getting a mouthful of abuse, followed by never seeing him again. Of course, I heard through the grapevine, he left her eventually. I wouldn't know, I didn't remain close to her after she told me what he'd said, and her reaction to it. It actually made me sick.

OP,how about, if he really is looking into getting help himself, asking him to go until he sorts himself out? Not being with you and his biological child might be a motivation to him. And he'll realise you mean what you say, that the situation has to change.

Patience - I don't know if you're depressed, blind, in denial or just plain fucked up.

The fact that your partner hits/chastises/physically disciplines (dress it up anyway you want) your children shouldn't be a 'sticking point'. It should be "a get up and walk away from the abusive tosser" point.

How can you in all honesty claim that you have a good relationship,and are 'so happy together' when he treats your children with such contempt and disdain.

I'm usually quite "it's just words on a screen", but his thread has genuinely upset me; it made me cry for your babies last night. It brings back bad memories for me of my own childhood, (although I didn't have a stepfather), as it does for a lot of people.

I really hope that you figure out that there is damage being done to your children. Get some counselling/therapy to see if you can do something about your situation. Maybe that will open your eyes. I don't know, but I do care.

I too spent last night thinking of your children OP, can you really not see that this amounts to abuse of your children???

me too ladyeventstar. I was thinking exactly the same.