My children are the reason he's leaving, any advice?

[PatienceRequired]

Hi all,
I am unsure whether to post this here or on the step family board but i am a regular lurker here and so feel more at home on this board.

My partner and i have been together for nearly 4 years and we both have two children from previous relationships. His are grown and independant while mine are only 7 and 4 years old. We have one dd together who is 26 months.

He wants to leave due to the fact that he just can not tolerate my two children. We have had issues before with the way he disciplines them so harshly and gives them little positive interaction to balance it. But when he tries he can be lovely with them. This is the only sticking point in our relationship.

He says he doesn't want to leave me and dd but just cant bear my 2 anymore. He says if he had somewhere to go he would be gone but he seems to be in such turmoil, like he wants to stay but dosen't want to either. He seems in such a dark place i am worried for his mental health regardless of the outcome for us as a couple. Not helped by the fact that yesterday he found out he may be out of a job in 6 weeks.

We are still "friends" and are talking lots, we don't really do shouting and screaming with venom when we have a problem but a conversation, with calm voices and taking time to consider what is being said. last night he cried which is only the second time i have seen in cry. (the other being at his brothers wedding in feb) To be honest its like he's having a midlife crisis. He assures me its not "us" that is the problem but my 2 children. And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.

I have suggested that we can't be the only step family to have this issue and there must be some help available but he won't entertain the idea at all. He dosen't have any faith in counselling or alternative therapies at all. Or any compassion for mental health problems. As if you cant see the injury it dosen't exist. I have discussed my concern with him re his mental health but he believes that the kids are the cause of how low he feels, when i question if they are just an easy scapegoat.

As it stands he's looking for somewhere to go but not coming up with any options. In the meantime we are all kinda walking on eggshells, and it has over the years affected my relationship with my kids negatively. I know i can't allow him to treat them badly, but feel like i am in no-win situation. If we stay together then 2 of my children may be affected but if we split then the little dd life will never b the same again. I know all about 2 seperate happy parents are better than 2 miserable together, and she is young enough to adapt, but either way some of them are going to end up f*cked up and thats without taking my wishes into consideration.

I'm not sure what i want from this really, any one got any advice, or similar experiences? how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? Perhaps i just need to vent and have a virtual hand hold... i don't know what to feel really...scared to think about how i feel in case i just fall apart and cant get it back together again for the kids. It just seems such a shame when we as a couple are happy together.

to the op's dh, as he is reading: may i suggest that your impulse to leave is right, and you should have done so a long time ago? your presence is currently damaging two small children, by the sounds of it, and will inevitably also harm your dd in due course. as you have the minimal human decency required to recognise this, you should go with that thought and follow it through. your partner also knows what the right thing to do is here, but as the problem is your reaction to her sons, you should make it easy for her. pack.

What do you google to get a link to this thread?

'He acknowledges that the situation cannot continue'.

Has he given you any indication of how he might change his behaviour? Has he accepted responsibility for his actions - is he prepared to apologise, move out, get counselling and prove that he understands the detrimental effects of his appalling behaviour, before he is allowed back into your children's lives?

Are you prepared to do the same time? Understand that you have been enabling this? Allowing it to continue, because you are under the misguided impression that "It just seems such a shame when we as a couple are happy together". Again, how can you be happy when someone treats your children like this?

I suspect the answer to all the questions would be 'no'. And I think little will change. I cannot for the life of me understand your passivity, masquerading as rationality, and can only assume that you have serious issues that need to be addressed with intensive therapy.

I can't find it on goggle even whe putting mumsnet in the search

of course, this "found when searching for help online" is a fabrication

did anyone think it was true ?

God, I hope the last post wasn't written by him.

I'm interested to know what happened about the suspected mental health issues referred to in the OP. It seems to have cleared up all of a sudden. Nor are they all "kinda walking on eggshells" any more. Amazing; let's put it down to the power of Mumsnet improving households that other solutions cannot reach. Or something.

You poor bitch.

OP, you yourself said he is getting angrier and angrier with them every day. He is being so hard on them in discipline terms so that they are never allowed to run around and make a noise in their own home. You said a post sounded familiar (moomaa's I think) that described a family where the H does nothing for his S-DCs, only his "own" child. This is not an absence of "positive interaction", this is cruel and frankly bizarre behaviour on his part.

I tell you what, we have no DC yet but my DP treats my nieces with considerably more warmth, kindness and love than your H can apparently spare for your poor DC, to whom he is daddy.

To return to your OP for a moment, he is blaming them, their mere existence, for his misery. What kind of mental health problems do you think he has got? They must have been around for a heck of a long time. To loathe someone so much that even the sound of their footsteps is irksome - that is a pretty formiable hatred he has blooming there. The fact that his hatred is impinging in your love for your own DC (or your "relationship" with them, whatever) is one of the saddest things I've ever heard.

I think you are wrong to say that posters have been suggesting you put the DC into care - they have been saying "what does he want you to do - put them into care?" and the like. What is his plan, do you know? It's all sounding a little bit Hansel and Gretel.

Also you say he is angry with them because they are forcing him to leave you and your little DD - it is HIM choosing this. They are just little children, however naughty they might sometimes be, and you can hardly call playing with their toys or taking themselves to the toilet when they need to go "naughty".

I think it is very unfair of you to turn on the posters here, and your acknowledging the stories some have told is not adequate. They have opened up their hearts to you not because they want the world to know about their childhoods (quite the opposite), but in the hope that their experiences might drive you to think, really seriously put aside your concerns for your H and think, what are your children going through? How will this affect them? How will this affect their relationships with each other (and don't forget these will hopefully go on after you and your H are gone)? If you are thinking only of the adults in your house, think: how will this affect how they think of me?

If you are the kind of parent that makes lovely packed lunches and takes the kids on trips and tells them stories and makes a real effort, I can almost say forget all that - that is not what they'll remember, THIS is what they'll remember. The fact that their daddy hated them and ignored them and made their lives a misery.

If he behaved like this to you, how would you feel? In all honesty?

I would like an answer to this please, I have not said anything offensive about your H nor gone beyond the facts provided.

The whole last post was just smoke and mirrors anyway.

When you strip away everything; strip out all the accusations of "extreme reactions" (interestingly LOTS of use of the word "extreme") and the paying of lip service to those who have so bravely told their stories, what are we left with?

A mother who has allowed her children to live with someone who dislikes them.

THE END.

No amount of dressing-up and proclaimations that he's a good man, will change that, and I have zero respect for the OP.

Annie I wondered that too, but the style, ("i" in the middle of sentences, "I" at the start of them) is the same.

Not sure about the Google thing though...

What an horrible situation, hope you do the right thing by your children OP whatever that may be.

Oh and to the OP's DH. You must know that your attitude and behaviour is making your kids' lives a misery. Yes they are your kids because you are all the father they really know. If you don't want to become the old man whose children refuse to come and see him in hospital, and refuse to let him near his grandchildren, either get into the GP today and make an appointment for counselling of some kind, or just walk out right now. You need to stop bullying them, and if the only way to do this is by leaving the house, then that is what you have to do.

PR, we can't direct you to helpful "support from a step family group or a course" to attend, because this situation is so far outside the norm than no such help exists. As far as I am aware.

This thread is so disturbing to read, i actually have shiver's up my spine.

Op, you carry on making excuses, aslong as you are ok, that's all that matter's.

Your poor children for them.

Did you really think this forum would be full of parents who loathe their children and step-children and vaguely try and overcome it with 'handy hints' and 'top tips'? It's not VIZ.

This is one of the most curious threads I have ever read. What ARE you doing?

Oh, and I will carry on worrying about your children, even if you don't. Even more so, now that I have glimpsed this peculiar manipulation you think none of us will pick up on.

You can't control or manipulate what I choose to worry about. Nor can your apparently omniscient DH.

Christ.

Waht a fucking nightmare thread.

Those poor kids.

She hasn't read any of the advice. She has put up with this shit for years. She has no intention of changing anything in her life.

Vicar I am so so sorry. That letter you wrote when youy were a kid. May your SF burn in hell. That stuff about the canes made my blood run cold. My grandmother used to discipline me with a bloody cane - I still can't bear them anyweher near me (DP used to have canes all over the garden to hold the plants up, I got rid of them as it reminded me of being a kid). Vicar I am so ghlad you have a loving DP and kids, and glad you are happy now.

Dear god the thought of kids living in abject fear makes me feel utterly ill. Jesus wept.

I would guess that the only thing that culd help in a situation ike this would be for the SF to attend therapy to address why he cannot cope wih another man's children in his household.

I can understand that step relationships can have their tensions, but to not be able to tolerate pr acccept a child you have 'cared for' sonce babyhood is something different, and is about territory, not a relationship with the child him or herself.

This thread makes me very sad. My children are a similar age. It breaks my heart to think they do not get the love, attention and support from the man that they call Daddy.

I agree with everyone else who posted.

hugs to those who have been on the receiving end of men like this.

Oh and OP - this is not normal. My DP is a stepfather to my 14 year old dd, I am stepmother to his 22 year old son. WE love each other - there is no need for 'toleration' in this house.

Google scans Mumsnet every few hours - I've found active threads this way.

PM started her thread because her partner was saying he should leave. So, yes: He was offering a solution of sorts. I read it as a controlling threat (it certainly had that effect on OP) but it does mean, at least, the situation has been discussed & recognised as a serious issue.

"Walking on eggshells" means "living in fear". Therefore, PatienceRequired, it's completely reasonable to infer your partner has anger problems that may be damaging to you, your children and family life in general.

As I mentioned a few pages back, I was a nanny specialising in 'difficult' children. They were all whiny, plus about half of them were withdrawn ("sullen") and the other half were stroppy. Without exception, the child's behaviours were distress symptoms. Although their mums meant well, their parenting was inappropriate to the child's age. The mums were depressed, to varying degrees. I wouldn't be surprised if they themselves had been insufficiently nurtured as tots, leading to emotional dissonance when they had kids.

It can be fixed. But I agree with the others, in that you seem to be worryingly keen to upweight your (adult) relationship vs. the children's welfare. Believe me, I do know how painful it is to have to examine your partnership for faults and I do feel for you ... It's important, though. Please let us know how you go along.

I am still struggling with the last line of the OP. I cannot imagine how any mother gets to the point where she is happy with a man who doesn't like her children.

PR - am horrified at how you're able to "normalise" all of this. if this man is being harsh with your children and you accept it, then you are letting him know that you are not a force to be reckoned with and that his actions are okay.

this is not okay. not for your children (any of them), not for you.

and if, as some posters suspect, your dp/dh/whatever has written a post in your name, then you have more problems that you know. someone who is controlling and angry is not going to change just because they get their way. they'll get worse. believe me and the other on this thread who've had worse experiences than me.

am so sad that so many ppl have invested emotionally in this thread to help you, and you disregard it because they don't get all the facts right. some bravery has been shown here. not necessarily by PR.

OP - when you first posted you talked about the physical stuff in the present tense:

"And yes sometimes the discipline is physical, as i said i know its wrong. I know it needs to change."

Today you posted: "The physical discipline is not an issue now due to me standing up for my children in the past."

There's some serious denial going on here...

OP - I have been thinking about you all the time. Thank you for coming back to the thread.
I feel there is a need for more support for stepfamilies. Where it is, I don't know.
Well done for acknowledging there is a problem.
Good luck.